Please view my post in "Just Found Out" for more info regarding the background/lead-up to divorce. I just don't feel like typing it all out again :(
Status as of right now? The initial divorce filing has been served; just hashing out some portions of the separation agreement now. It won't take long to finalize. I have resigned from my current role and accepted a really great position at the top law firm in a city about thirty minutes from where I grew up. I will be moving back there (across the country from where I am now) on August 6 and starting the new job shortly thereafter.
Because of how fast this all happened, I'll initially be staying with my parents while I get settled with the new job, and figure out my own housing situation. But I am looking forward to living nearby my family (my parents, two siblings) who I am very close with. I also have lots of good friends out there who I haven't seen very much since I moved away about 6-7 years ago and am looking forward to spending more time with.
Given how fast all this is happening and I'm not certain exactly where I'll end up living - at least not for probably a month or two - I had to make a lot of quick decisions. My initial thoughts were to spend the next two weeks packing up my stuff and then load boxes and furniture into one of those POD things (for storage and moving). That way I could just have it shipped to the new location and stored while I figure out exactly where I will be living after staying with my parents for a bit. That way I could just drive myself out there, with my essentials in the car, and kinda turn it into a fun road trip to cool off with. Not having to worry about a trailer or a moving truck or anything - I could just stop by and go see some MLB games at various ballparks, hit up some cool craft breweries, or maybe see some new sights in states I've not visited before.
But, at the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am struggling right now. This shit is hard. I have good days; I have lots of bad days. I am trying to stay strong, but it is so difficult. I am doing my best 180 and grey rock; not helping out around the house at all; and just trying to take care of myself as much as possible.
Even though I've made this decision, and feel good about it, and feel like it's the right choice - I am still so scared and nervous. It's like I am packing up my whole life from the last 6 years and just flinging it away. It makes me feel badly that I am moving back in with my parents and I'm almost 30. Even knowing it is only temporary still makes feel like I'm just kinda...losing it. Returning to my hometown area makes me feel like I'm taking a step backwards. Like, I moved out, got my law degree, got married...it all felt like I was forging my own path and now? I'm just retracing my steps. It's hard to feel confident and strong in my decisions now and going forward when I feel like I've lost ground.
I have zero motivation to pack or move furniture. I've packed a few boxes of books and winter clothes and stuff. But the more I look at it and the more I see all the other stuff I have, the more I'm just like: "Do I really need or want any of this?" Plus, the POD thing seems like a great idea, but it's going to end up being crazy expensive at a time when I'm going to be straining a little financially until things stabilize a bit more.
I almost would rather just fucking leave it all. Just pack my Civic with my clothes, my essentials; maybe rent a small trailer or something if I need a little extra space; and then just get the hell outta town. Do my little road-trip and get some "me time". And then not look back.
I don't really want most of the furniture we have anyway. It's going to remind me of her and of getting it with her and stuff... I thought about some of it (like the grill, the bar cart I have that I really like, my home office desk)...but ultimately, I'm not going to be able to even use any of that for a few months anyway, given that I don't even have my own place yet and don't know for sure when or where that will be. And when I do figure that out, then I could just buy new stuff myself!
But then my brain flip-flops and thinks, "You're still being WEAK! You're giving her EVERYTHING! Take it all! Take everything! GET OVER IT."
Ugh. This is all so HARD. It messes with your head in so many different and surprising ways. I know I need to do what's best for me - but like...navigating all these little nuanced details and making the tiny "every day" decisions that comes with a divorce AND a big move AND a job change...man it is just a lot and it is hard to deal with and figure things out.
it's just...so much change, happening so fast and all at the same time. I feel like it hasn't really "hit" me yet. I feel so emotionally drained. I mean, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm nervous, I'm excited...it all sucks. I feel like I haven't yet had that big "release" emotionally...