Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Divorce/Separation :
Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!

default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 2:56 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Leaving all the stuff behind is a bigger ‘F U’ than taking all the stuff because you are reducing their value to zero. You don’t need to even take all your clothes, have ties or cuff links she gifted you? Ugly suit you don’t like? Undies and socks that have had their day? leave them behind.

If you like furniture because of a function you liked (the desk for example) take a pic and look for that feature in a new item. The problem, aside from cost of moving/shipping, is your new place, that might be perfect for you, might not have the area to make the old furniture work and they might be more cumbersome than anything.

Books and tools, take those. Clothes you wear and like, take those. Things no readily available like vinyl (if you collect), art, handmade items, signed things etc would be next on the list. No need to pack toiletries like shampoo and soaps so don’t bulk yourself up with those. Same with linens (bedsheets, towels etc), leave those. Do you cook and love to make a certain dish? Pack the utensils needed for that, leave the rest.

New start, new life, new beginnings, new stuff. You might find a fair bit of stuff you want is out of familiarity, not because it’s something you want or need or even like.

If you still want to not leave everything there is goodwill too, many people struggling, more so now, a well looked after couch or desk or chairs or plate set will be valued by those who need it. Plenty of charities around you can call to pickup the furniture for goodwill. You can always time it the day you plan on leaving you can get them in the morning then leave when they have finished.

Also think the day you leave is a day WW doesn’t know or expect. You leaving without her knowing or having been involved christens the first day of your new start without her, you moving onwards being your own man. You also don’t want to face/hear the farewell “hope we stay in touch, hope we can be friends, it wasn’t an affair” speech that will happen if she knows the day you leave. Blindside, have her return to the house with the stuff (or not) and you just never come back, she will call to check after 24hrs but you’ve blocked her. More of a ‘F U’ than taking the stuff.

As for self help, like you I got to a point of wanting more healing (self help) books and less on those focused purely on betrayal and infidelity. Are you an app guy? Check out these apps and see if any of these affirmation/self-love/mental health helper apps are your cup of tea:

> Kwippy (sorry I think it's now inactive, used to be something I used to make me laugh and get my mind off negative thoughts)

> ThinkUp

> SmilingMind

> Shine

> Happier

> I Am

> Grateful

If you are an app person I also have found these next apps to help me break the habit of wanting my WH around, thinking about him, pain shopping etc:

> RescueTime (blocking distractions via goal setting)

> Forest (if you are trying to stop pain shopping on your phone)

> Productive Habit Tracker (visual way to motivate yourself to keep going, I have added things like 'don't look at WH socials' on mine as one of my 'moving in the right direction' habits i'm trying to create)

If you want some book recommendations.

> The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson

> Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop (warning, tough love approach)

> The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

> Choose Yourself by James Altucher

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 10:09 PM, July 24th (Saturday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8678082
default

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 4:52 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

You don’t own things, things own you

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1438   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8678098
default

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:15 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

@LostInHisFog:

Leaving all the stuff behind is a bigger ‘F U’ than taking all the stuff because you are reducing their value to zero. You don’t need to even take all your clothes, have ties or cuff links she gifted you? Ugly suit you don’t like? Undies and socks that have had their day? leave them behind.

If you like furniture because of a function you liked (the desk for example) take a pic and look for that feature in a new item. The problem, aside from cost of moving/shipping, is your new place, that might be perfect for you, might not have the area to make the old furniture work and they might be more cumbersome than anything.

Books and tools, take those. Clothes you wear and like, take those. Things no readily available like vinyl (if you collect), art, handmade items, signed things etc would be next on the list. No need to pack toiletries like shampoo and soaps so don’t bulk yourself up with those. Same with linens (bedsheets, towels etc), leave those. Do you cook and love to make a certain dish? Pack the utensils needed for that, leave the rest.

New start, new life, new beginnings, new stuff. You might find a fair bit of stuff you want is out of familiarity, not because it’s something you want or need or even like.

Thank you for this advice. I like it. New start, new stuff...I am planning on taking just the "essentials', I think. I don't have a timeframe for when I am actually going to have my own place and I don't really want to have to figure out what to do with all the big bulky furniture that I probably won't even want by the time I can set it up.

Also - thank you for all your book recommendations. I have downloaded them all and am going to check them out. I also appreciate all the App recommendations! That is very helpful and I hadn't gotten into anything like that previously.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8678167
default

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 4:17 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

@CuriousObserver:

You should be proud of yourself for the changes you have made to take back your dignity and control of your life. I really worried about you early on but you have lifted yourself above the floodwaters and all you had to do to accomplish that was to stand on your own two feet. Well done.

I have heard from many folks both here and on Reddit that they were very worried and doubtful of me early on. But I have also heard from the same number of people that they are impressed with how quickly I resolved to make essential changes to improve my life and take back my dignity. That validation feels good and is something I haven't felt for a long time. I want to continue working on myself to improve myself in new, and lasting, ways.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8678168
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 4:24 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

You're most welcome.

There are so many apps, I found some that were for light hearted wholesome laughs helped immensely as well, having said that I just logged back onto Kwippy and sadly it looks to be abandoned now so you might want to skip that, see if there is anything new in wholesome laugh category. I used it because it required me to actually do something to partake in the laughs, thinking about what to do helped drag my thoughts off toxic negative thoughts, any app like that, something to give you a moment of happy, is a great app during this time.

I'm an idiot person, over ten years ago I did leave my WH for a moment before I moved back ( ) and what I learnt from leaving the martial home is tools are something you want on you from the start, screwdrivers, 3M hooks, hammers, scissors, nails, stanley knife, wrench, broom, dust pan etc etc when you finally move into your new place there is always something to cut, something to assemble, something to sweep, nails to be removed or hammered in, things to be hung or tightened which need a screwdriver etc. So definitely take the tools. You can buy new fluffy towels when you are at your parents, towels are something else important (but i told you to leave the ones you currently have because trust me new fluffy towels make you feel good lol), devices and chargers, bowl, spoon, kettle, a decent chair, cup the other little essentials.

There is positive energy and invigoration in setting up a fresh start with new stuff, bonus is you can take your time, see what you need and go from there, no need to furnish an entire new place, set your bed up, kitchen with essentials and a comfy spot to work/chill and then go from there.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 10:27 PM, July 24th (Saturday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8678272
default

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 5:00 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Ugh. I’m really struggling tonight. I went to a baseball game but I had been having to take care of my dog the last few days. When I left to the game I set my security camera on because he was going to be home alone and that’s something I have always done just in case.

I just got an alert of motion going on and checked the app to see what the commotion was. On the live video feed I see a video of my soon to be ex wife and her other guy in the living room playing with the dog at home…. I’m so angry and frustrated and hurt and sad now. I want to text her and chew her out and say something shitty. She has treated me like absolute crap for months and months and seems to have no regard for my feelings at all. I want her to feel just an ounce of the pain I’ve been through….

I wish she would know how absolutely devastating it is to have the person you thought you could love and trust more than anyone just REPLACE you at the drop of a hat?? And not seem to feel any remorse at all??

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8678275
default

HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 6:18 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

She's likely not capable of feeling that pain, because she's just not that kind of person. I know it's hard, but feel blessed you are getting out of a toxic relationship.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8678289
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 6:48 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Sorry that happened to you, it's why getting away from allllll of that and moving is the best thing.

Since she believes she isn't the bad guy, hasn't done anything wrong she won't ever notice your attempt to dish out the pain, if anything she might think you're just being a big meanie because she is just such a good person it's why leaving without ever looking back, leaving without her knowing the day, just one day not being there and then never contact her, ever, is the best thing to do... that and take all the chairs, spoons and cups with you when you go (I kid here but imagine her returning home after work and no chairs.)

But no in all seriousness this will continue to happen, the being on the edge of your own marriage, being the only one mourning the ashes of it, until you break free.

A ground rule is mark should not be in your home until it's just her home however, that's callous, thoughtless and cruel, but also not surprising she did it since she is in denial about this affair.

edit: just putting this out there for food for thought, feel free to buy a copy of "not just friends" and inscribe it saying something along the lines of 'you better read this if you wish to keep your adulterous wife from straying' (and do write adulterous wife to drive it home) and leave it in OM letterbox as a final nail in it all.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 1:22 AM, July 25th (Sunday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8678291
default

Unrealized ( member #77151) posted at 8:03 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Don’t waste your breath on her. Just pack up and go. Nothing you say is going to get the reaction from her that you want. She clearly is a selfish and doesn’t give a shit. It’s hard but having no more contact with her will be your best bet. Have fun in your travels

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2021
id 8678292
default

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 8:26 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Just take the dog when you go! No asking or debating just take him.

What consequences has your STBX faced since she started this shit show? Nothing and she is getting most if the house hold effects and a new partner. You get to drive home with what you can carry.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8678296
default

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 8:30 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

So now she's showing that this 'best friend' is now her lover.

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8678297
default

CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 8:32 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

HARD 180 now. She is showing you her character. Anything you say to her will just give them something to laugh about at your expense. Don't give them that privilege.

I guarantee you she will realize her mistake too late, but by then she won't know how to even contact you.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 115   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8678298
default

smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 9:51 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

I wish she would know how absolutely devastating it is to have the person you thought you could love and trust more than anyone just REPLACE you at the drop of a hat?? And not seem to feel any remorse at all??

She does know what she is doing to you, that is why she is doing it.

It is in your best interest to move out ahead of any schedule your wife is aware of. It is best to leave unannounced. She will continue to escalate her behavior so long as she believes you remain a captive audience.

Your pain and misery is her fuel.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8678302
default

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:00 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

If she cared about how you felt, you wouldn't be in this situation anyway.

Keep being indifferent and not engaging with her.

Without showing any signs of emotion, you can say that as long as you're living in that house, you just expect her to show you respect at least formally and not to bring her AP to your house.

Btw, you see how fast and far she moved on. Even now she lives in a world where you are not.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 4:03 AM, July 25th (Sunday)]

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8678303
default

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:05 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

I don't remember where you are at in the process. If everything is signed and filed and the dig isn't specifically listed, take him and leave. She has Mark after all.

If you legally need to leave him behind, just take what you have to and get out. No notice. No contact. Just don't be there when she comes home. Block her on your phone and email. Your lawyer can handle the remaining contacts needed. Stop letting her have access to you to twist the knife with which she stabbed you in your back. Get on with living your better life.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:08 AM, Sunday, July 25th]

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8678305
default

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:53 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by annb at 5:54 AM, July 25th (Sunday)]

posts: 11258   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8678308
default

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:54 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Honestly, I'd take the dog. Why is the pet you obviously love negotiable? All of this is on her, take the dog.

Leave the other stuff behind and let her deal with it.

She is showing total disrespect for you. Take the dog, she's put you through enough emotional trauma.

posts: 11258   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8678309
default

gijoe ( new member #76049) posted at 1:29 PM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Earlier in this thread you were thinking that leaving stuff behind was weak. That's not true.

Taking what you want, and leaving behind what is easily replaced is not weak in any way, shape, or form.

Knowing that the dog means most to you, and that you are, in fact, best for the dog, means that leaving the dog behind is weak.

*Do not leave the dog behind.*

Period.

And do not negotiate for the dog. When you leave, the dog leaves with you. In the end, that's what is best for the dog. That would be the strong move.

Read:

Read Cory Wayne's How to be a 3% man.

It will help you understand how your wife lost attraction for you. And it will give you insight and tips on how to improve as a man. There are a lot of things you think a man *should* be that is actually unattractive to most women. You can get this book for free on his website which you can easily search for and find.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2020
id 8678318
default

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:32 PM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

Honestly, I'd take the dog. Why is the pet you obviously love negotiable? All of this is on her, take the dog.

If there’s no mention of ownership or custody of your dog in the decree, I’d have exactly zero problem with this.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8678330
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:17 PM on Sunday, July 25th, 2021

I just got an alert of motion going on and checked the app to see what the commotion was. On the live video feed I see a video of my soon to be ex wife and her other guy in the living room playing with the dog at home…. I’m so angry and frustrated and hurt and sad now.

Sorry man but this is nothing new. It’s been going on for a long time. This is who she is. She doesn’t care.

The sooner you fully realize this the better off you’ll be.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8678339
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210924 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy