Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!

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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 6:17 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

@Freeme:

I think you will have a new outlook on the situation when you come back. A new grasp on what's important enough for you to take and what would be better off left. You have time. No need to pack up the POD right now.

Yeah. I've thought of this. I've considered just FLYING out there to be with my family; or flying somewhere else in between jobs to literally just chill and hang out and breathe a bit. Then start the new job...work there and get settled for a few weeks and get some actual time and distance from the STBXW and divorce situation.

Then fly back and, with a refreshing outlook, decide what stuff I really want/need and pack anything up, get a Uhaul if I decide I need to, and then drive it all back to my family's place.

Huh. I'm not sure what the best thing is to do. On the one hand, some breathing room would be very welcome and healthy for me. On the other hand, that path would prolong the "finalization" of everything and may require me to see the STBXW again, or risk her doing stupid shit with my stuff (I don't think she would, but as I've learned time and time again...you never know).

I welcome any thoughts/opinions on the proposed ideas above...

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8677538
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 6:19 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

@tushnurse:

Well I'm not a saver, or keeper of things, so I say F it. Let her have it.

You are the prize here. You are getting out with your sanity, and a good new life.

Thank you! I do feel more "sane", truly. For MONTHS on end I was feeling paranoid, confused, crushed...wondering constantly where she was, what she was doing, what they were talking about...blah blah blah. When it finally all came out and I resolved to divorce...I remember the relief I felt. It was a good feeling to finally stop feeling paranoid.

Don't worry about staying with your folks for a short period. Hell I lived with my H's mom and stepdad, and my parents each for 3 months when we had a cross country move, and built our own home, when we returned home. I did it with a newborn, and a toddler. It was a means to an end. No one judges that, and if they do, F them too.

That's true. And it's not for forever! Just for a little while as I transition and need people who TRULY CARE ABOUT ME to lean on. It'll be good.

Embrace this. I love the idea of seeing a few MLB games and stadiums too.

I thought that was a good idea. Or even, if I time it right, I could hit up some NFL pre-season games or...if I decide to fly out to my family and return later on to finalize getting my stuff and my car and driving back out, I could even hit up a few regular season NFL games. Might be a good move for myself...

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8677539
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 6:21 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

@src9043:

Six years may seem a long time to you but, believe me, it isn't from my perspective of 72 years. You will look back one day in the not too distant future and thank your lucky stars that you got away from your WW relatively unscathed. You are young, have a great job, and a very bright future.

You will find a worthy partner one day. Be patient and careful. Stay away from narcissists and insecure women and you will do just fine. You will heal. Good luck to you.

In the grand scheme of things, this will be a small blip on my journey. While I'm stuck in the middle of it? It feels so daunting and overwhelming and terrifying. Thank you for providing wisdom and perspective to a millenial freaking out over here.

I hope to find a good partner one day - who loves me, cherishes me, and appreciates me. I hope I can feel like I can trust someone enough to let them be close with me again. I hope I can be intimate with someone, truly intimate, again. It's all so scary to think about the unknown, to think about and imagining not having that for who knows how long...but then again, I haven't felt like I've had any of that for the last...almost year or so?

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8677541
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 8:44 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Screw the stuff Cheesecake- its just stuff. You can buy new things for your new life when you get a place of your own.

Living with your parents is not a bad thing, its just temporary. As a parent myself, I would love having my kids back temporarily, especially if it is helpful to them. Its not a burden for them, trust me. They want to help, and them doing that is also great for your parents.

Keep moving forward, tell your old boss that you are set on moving and creating a new life for yourself, and keep the communications open. SHe will understand, and no, I do not think her offer to you was in any way a bad thing. I think as a former BS herself, she was just throwing you a bone b/c you're a good attorney, don't make it more than that. Thank her for the offer and let her know you're moving on. That's it.

One thing you can do with your ex is to sell her the furniture from your old home. Make her a very low low ball offer for all the stuff. If she baulks, than, ask her what she thinks its worth. Whatever number she gives you, say fine, she can pay you that amount for all the stuff. In fact, you'll give her another $100 discount off that amount, and take the money and buy new stuff. I used this very same trick with my ex, and she sold me all of the old stuff, which I needed b/c I kept the house anyway. I got it at a good price b/c she wasn't smart enough to play the leverage game. I did eventually buy new furniture, but it helped with the finances in the meantime since I didnt have to buy new stuff right away, and I got it for a good price.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8677571
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Ratpicker ( Member #57986) posted at 9:02 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Cheesecake

The flip-flopping emotions I am experiencing multiple times, every day absolutely suck and I think that is what is causing me so much distress. It is hard to isolate my thoughts and resolve my anxiety or stress...and it's also hard to isolate my happy thoughts and focus in on them.

Flip flopping was probably always my specialty but infidelity and resulting divorce caused me to develop it into new heights -so I get it!

I had to buy a new car and a frustrated friend blurted out "choosing a color is not a life or death decision- pick something!" That is when my tag line here became:

Road of life is paved with dead squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

I have repeated it over and over in my head for years now. I tried to tell myself it was due to my Zodiac sign, Libra, the scales. I made it my life's work to weigh the pros and cons.

You can develop better habits. Not everything is life or death important, sometimes (this time?) it's healthier to stop trying to outsmart the universe. Just try to pick something and go with it! Don't over analyze and don't look back to rethink it. Wish I could say I am completely cured but you are much younger than me and have lots of time to recover from a small oopsie.

Road of life is paved with dead squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

posts: 573   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2017   ·   location: moved on from Georgia
id 8677572
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phmh ( Member #34146) posted at 2:37 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Huh. I'm not sure what the best thing is to do. On the one hand, some breathing room would be very welcome and healthy for me. On the other hand, that path would prolong the "finalization" of everything and may require me to see the STBXW again, or risk her doing stupid shit with my stuff (I don't think she would, but as I've learned time and time again...you never know).

I welcome any thoughts/opinions on the proposed ideas above...

Obviously do what's best for you, but if you're asking for thoughts, I have those! As long as it's not seriously impacting your mental health, I'd power through, get out ASAP, and start your new life ASAP instead of prolonging by going back. How relaxed would you really be, knowing that you have to go back and see her, figure out stuff, etc. Take a relaxing trip after that.

In my case, my healing truly began when I moved out, got my own apartment, and was able to cut contact with WXH.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8677647
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:41 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

If you haven’t please read “No More Mr Nice Guy”

It’s free, short and will get you out of the victim mode.

You have a great future ahead of you if you apply yourself to it.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:41 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677661
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Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 3:19 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Not sure but this might help. Many years ago after a huge California fire that destroyed... completely burnt away many homes... a news reporter asked someone who just lost everything "how does it feel". The answer surprised me/everyone.

"It is freeing"

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8677801
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

When I left after 17 years, all I took was a pickup truck worth of items. My clothes, my guitars, sentimental items from my childhood, pictures and a dresser. Best decision I made. You'll be able to purchase furniture once you're at your parents place. I got most of my stuff by looking on craigslist or garage sales. You would be surprised what people get rid off that are decent pieces of furniture for cheap.

Look around and see what's important to you. Sometimes we accumulate a lot of crap.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8677855
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:38 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Make a great new beginning. Dump everything that pertains to her.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677876
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:48 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Not sure but this might help. Many years ago after a huge California fire that destroyed... completely burnt away many homes... a news reporter asked someone who just lost everything "how does it feel". The answer surprised me/everyone.

"It is freeing"

I went through a flood a few years back. Dragging 95% of your now soaking wet and beginning to mold worldly possessions out to the curb can definitely give you a minimalist mindset.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 10:50 AM, July 23rd (Friday)]

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8677888
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balbichi ( New Member #78736) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I dont mean to be rude. But, IMO you still seem to be hoping that something would change. You are waiting for her to say sorry. Trust me man its not worth it. In few years down the line she wont even be an after thought.

What you should do is put all your stuff in storage. If there is anything you dont want just forget about it. Move out of the house. Do not take anything which reminds of her. Remove all digital traces of her. You need to realise she is not a good person and she never really cared about you. So, you dont have to see her face everyday.

When you finally leave, dont even bother to say good bye. I believe you will not be able to hold back your tears if you decide to say goodbye.

[This message edited by balbichi at 11:47 AM, July 23rd (Friday)]

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2021
id 8677941
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 6:21 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

She flung away the marriage, you are moving up to a new life. You got out of a shitty one sided relationship.

Look up Habitat for Humanity, they will have a truck out to your place with a couple guys to pick up what you want to leave, my opinion is to leave all and start fresh with the $$$ from the new job.

You get rid of things that remind you of her and a tax write off.

Virtual bro hug, you gonna be alright

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8677946
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 8:42 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

@phmh:

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and words.

Obviously do what's best for you, but if you're asking for thoughts, I have those! As long as it's not seriously impacting your mental health, I'd power through, get out ASAP, and start your new life ASAP instead of prolonging by going back. How relaxed would you really be, knowing that you have to go back and see her, figure out stuff, etc. Take a relaxing trip after that.

In my case, my healing truly began when I moved out, got my own apartment, and was able to cut contact with WXH.

It is encouraging to know that even though I am scared and nervous and anxious...things will truly begin to heal and turn around as soon as I get a little more distance from this shit show.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8677992
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 8:43 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

@Marz:

If you haven’t please read “No More Mr Nice Guy”

It’s free, short and will get you out of the victim mode.

You have a great future ahead of you if you apply yourself to it.

I've been making my way through this book, as well as several others that were recommended in my first thread. Now that I have decided to proceed with the divorce, I'm not as interested in the "infidelity" and "not just friends" type of books...but self-help books such as this one, or any others, that could help me better myself and improve myself and help me develop more confidence and self-esteem are highly appreciated.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8677993
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 8:45 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

@J707:

When I left after 17 years, all I took was a pickup truck worth of items. My clothes, my guitars, sentimental items from my childhood, pictures and a dresser. Best decision I made. You'll be able to purchase furniture once you're at your parents place. I got most of my stuff by looking on craigslist or garage sales. You would be surprised what people get rid off that are decent pieces of furniture for cheap.

Look around and see what's important to you. Sometimes we accumulate a lot of crap.

Yeah, that's kind of my thought now...whenever I'm home now I'm just like...surrounded by crap that is full of bad vibes now and I'm just thinking..."Am I really going to want this in my new place, wherever and whenever I end up there?"

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8677994
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phmh ( Member #34146) posted at 9:40 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

self-help books such as this one, or any others, that could help me better myself and improve myself and help me develop more confidence and self-esteem are highly appreciated.

Once you are away from her and true NC, I think you will be shocked at how your self-esteem starts to come back!

I read dozens of books on infidelity, brain function, lying, restarting life, etc., but what really helped me heal the most was exercise (I ran a ton of miles and took up yoga), trying new things (painting class, book club, wood carving class, etc.), and making friends. Building a wonderful new life, as you are in the process of doing!

However, the book that helped me the most was "The Science of Happily Ever After." You are not ready to date yet, and this book is about finding a partner. But I truly believe that a big part of the reason that so many second marriages/relationships after divorce due to infidelity fail is that the betrayed spouse does not heal themselves; they date way too quickly, fall in love too fast, and wind up with a partner who is as bad as -- or even worse than -- their previous partner. Because that's what they (we) know and that's what's comfortable.

I dated way too soon, as most do, and as you may, but I luckily escaped essentially unscathed. (I didn't see it at the time, but the first guy I fell for was so close in personality to my WXH. Barely dodged that bullet.) Then I took time off of dating, completed my healing, read this book, and met the man I've been with for nearly 6 years and am likely to spend the rest of my life with.

The book discusses characteristics to stay away from as well as those that portend a happy partnership. There's also a great article in The Atlantic called "Masters of Love" (you can find it for free when you google) that has made all of my relationships better. I reread it at least once per year.

The you of today won't even recognize 2022 you, as long as you NC (no contact) and keep moving forward in your life.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4972   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8678018
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 10:15 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I have zero motivation to pack or move furniture.

Move swiftly. Leave beind anything you can live without. If you remain undecided rent storage space and get it all out as quickly as possible.

I'm not sure what the best thing is to do. On the one hand, some breathing room would be very welcome and healthy for me. On the other hand, that path would prolong the "finalization" of everything and may require me to see the STBXW again, or risk her doing stupid shit with my stuff (I don't think she would, but as I've learned time and time again...you never know).

Let me offer you some clarity. If ever you are in doubt it is in your best interest to assume the worst and make preparations accordingly. Regardless of how the situation turns out, for better or worse, you are prepared.

I strongly recommend you leave well ahead of schedule and that you do so without giving any notice to your former wife. Ensure your departure occurs while she is away from the residence. This may strike you as cowardly or even hurtful or rude. It is nothing of the kind. Blindsiding her is an advantage and a preventative measure. Departing in this manner is advantageous to you because it denies her the opportunity to interfere, delay or dissuade you from going. You will deny her the opportunity to attempt further harm against you regardless of the form that may take. You will deny her closure or the opportunity to part ways as "friends" when she has been everything but a friend to you.

The most important reason for you to depart without notice is fear that "she will do stupid shit." You fear property damage and rightly so. You should also fear false allegations of abuse or violence.

as I've learned time and time again...you never know

If you are forced to have any further dealings with her ensure that witnesses are present if you have to meet with her in person. Do not meet or communicate with her unless the subject matter is divorce. Any other topics you should assume she is fishing for information or she is attempting to manipulate you. Any communication after you move out should be restricted to txt or email as they are easy to document. Let any and all calls from her go to voicemail. She will have no reason to call you except to attempt to manipulate you. She is not capable of remorse as you have seen so far. She has had ample time to speak with you and chose to lie and gaslight you instead. You will gain nothing by speaking with her directly.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8678022
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 12:01 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

CB

By the time you pay to move stuff you could have bought new and spent less. Let her be reminded of you every time she sees your stuff.

Other books that can help: “No More Mr. Nice Guy: The Hero’s Journey, A Step By Step Guide” by Michael Pariser, a colleague of Dr. Glover. This is an in-depth, how-to book to apply the steps outlined by Glover.

“Healing The Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw, is a good source to address your shame and abandonment issues that are the root of the Nice Guy Syndrome. There are other books on shame out there. We all have shame, btw.

DSO writes “Now What” a guide for newly divorced men and “The Dead Bedroom Fix” that can help you recognize pathetic behaviors you are doing. I don’t agree with all that they teach, but if you look for gold nuggets of practical truth you can find some. “Practical Female Psychology for Practical Men” by Joseph W South, will help you understand some of the testing and manipulation you are experiencing. Some of these are written with a "players mindset", which I reject, but they contain some good information nonetheless. Just don't forget to think for yourself.

You should be proud of yourself for the changes you have made to take back your dignity and control of your life. I really worried about you early on but you have lifted yourself above the floodwaters and all you had to do to accomplish that was to stand on your own two feet. Well done.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8678058
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 12:09 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

I strongly recommend you leave well ahead of schedule and that you do so without giving any notice to your former wife. Ensure your departure occurs while she is away from the residence. This may strike you as cowardly or even hurtful or rude. It is nothing of the kind. Blindsiding her is an advantage and a preventative measure. Departing in this manner is advantageous to you because it denies her the opportunity to interfere, delay or dissuade you from going. You will deny her the opportunity to attempt further harm against you regardless of the form that may take. You will deny her closure or the opportunity to part ways as "friends" when she has been everything but a friend to you.

This^^^

If you must, tell her you plan to leave on xxx then leave way in advance of this when she is not there. Remember, "All of war is the art of deception." Sun Tzu

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8678061
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