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Newest Member: Altoid405

Divorce/Separation :
Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!


TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 10:56 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Whatever you do, make sure you are doing the parts of The 180 that encourage personal growth. Buy some sharp new clothes, throw out the old ones, try a new hair style, get back into your old hobbies. Get out of that house at night and go make some friends. Join a hobby club, take music lessons, learn a martial art, etc., etc. Work on becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.

And I agree with others: ghost her as hard as you can on every media platform you are on. B-2 bomber stealth mode at all times.

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8679996

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 11:31 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

CB, I also lost the love of my life and leaving/divorcing was so damn hard I never felt I would breathe again without pain. Four years later I was remarried to a wonderful woman (and our 20th is coming up) and my life is wonderful. Grandkids.... As for my ex, her wonderlusts never really panned out. She remarried and is not very happy. A relationship that is founded on lies and deception is one with a faulty base. Take things one day at a time, stay healthy, be good to yourself, see some of those ball games... and you will be surprised how much happier you will become. What lays ahead of you is far better than what you leave behind.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4464   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8680004

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 8:50 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

Well. I’m almost ready to move. After months of feeling shitty, feeling neglected, feeling lonely, feeling replaced - I am finally getting out.

I’m doing ok. Yesterday was my last day at work. I am excited to have a career move - one that, hopefully, will be a success for me. I feel good about it and I feel good that I am done with my previous employment. It feels like a weight is off my chest.

I am spending today with my Dog. We went on a hike this morning and got home and rested. I made us pancakes and gave him one with his favorite - peanut butter! Later today we are going to a dog park bar to see some friends. He loves it. Tonight, we are going to cuddle in bed and watch Yellowstone together (it’s his favorite show - he lays next to me and watches the images and horses pass by).

I know that the divorce and leaving is for the best and it ultimately will get better. But it’s still hard to leave and move from the place I’ve called home for so long. It’s so hard to not shake the feeling of being alone. I’m still hurting. The wound hasn’t been able to heal much while I’ve been here. Hopefully it will soon.

I don’t think I’ve experienced such a wide daily range of emotions in such a short period of time. Every day I’m angry, sad, numb, excited, hungry, hurt, hateful, spiteful, happy to be leaving, upset about the circumstances.

I’m nervous about meeting new friends and meeting new potential romantic and intimate partners (when I’m ready for that). I’ve been in a relationship for so long that I feel inadequate and like I don’t even know how to “flirt”. I feel damaged. I feel like women won’t want to give me a chance because I’m divorced. I feel broken down by my STBXW’s betrayal. I know this is all irrational thinking, but I can’t stop my mind from wandering and focusing on all my negative qualities and replaying over and over in my head: “if only I’d done this or that or been this way or that way…”

But I know that’s not right and not healthy. I know I have a lot of personal growth and development to go through in the coming months and years. I’m not even 30 yet. I can dedicate myself to being better and working hard and i can make sure that the best is yet to come.

For the next week, I will be road tripping. I have planned out some great stops: seeing new sights; going to baseball games at ballparks I’ve never been to; eating awesome new food; going on hikes in the mountains and refreshing my spirt and my mind. This is going to be good for me. I am going to go shopping and buy all new clothes. I am going to read books; I am going to listen to audiobooks; I am going to enjoy music. (**That said, if anyone has suggestions on audiobooks and/or music that helped them during the divorce and the aftermath, please share!! I have a 25+ hour drive ahead of me.**)

Thanks to all of you for your support and your encouragement. Thanks for lifting me up when I was at my lowest point and helping give me strength to keep on going. I will still be here; I am sure I will come here to vent and ask for support in the coming weeks/months. But I am glad that my experience will help me be able to provide that support to someone else in the future.

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8680177

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 9:51 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

You are aware of the futility of your worries. And you will see this very soon, because all of them are things that will go away on their own; new job, new house, new friends alongside old ones and family, maybe a new girlfriend will come and find you (this time be a little more careful with red flags)... You won't even notice when you get used to these and forget your old life.

And let me make the first song suggestion;

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.

posts: 624   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8680194

Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 10:22 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

Congratulations CB. I’m thrilled for you! All of your feelings are valid. You’ve had to endure a horrible heartbreak but you are coming out the other side stronger. You’re nervous but I hope excited too! So many great things planned down the pike. And still so young, if anything good has come out of this debacle is all these new opportunities!! Please keep posting looking forward to all your updates. And what a special day with you and dog 🥰

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to "Life is short" you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8680200

Georgyboy ( new member #46803) posted at 10:56 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

My first time posting but I though I must comment - I wonder if you realize how many people all over the world have worried about you and hoped you would get over the shxx sandwich you received.

Well done on that score.

Best wishes for the future and please keep us updated.

posts: 27   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2015   ·   location: UK
id 8680212

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:07 AM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

My husband and our kids lived in a very large house. We decided we preferred to live on a lake and in a house a third the size. All of a sudden it became very easy to sell things that I thought I would hang onto forever. Once we settled into our new house I was having so much fun on the water that I could care less about what I sold. I know as a guy you think you don’t care about stuff like this but you would be surprised. You already know the colors that you’re comfortable with all the textures you’re comfortable with but you don’t probably stop to think about the furniture you’re comfortable with. Take your time. This last house we have lived in for years is stocked with stuff I have found in junk stores etc. I get compliments all the time.

If you have anything of personal, or financial, value take that but the rest is replaceable and so much easier to sell right where you are.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3119   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8680228

WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 12:32 AM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

Hey bro you went through an awful lot. Of course you feel bruised (bruised, as in you took some hard hits and need time to heal but you are still you, versus damaged). Good for you for moving on!

posts: 346   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8680232

CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 5:35 AM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

Life is hard, that is for sure. But I wouldn't say you are going backward. You actually have gained some years of wisdom that you didn't have before you moved to where you are now. Moving locations is just a location, and doesn't erase all you have been through in life. You have more wisdom to handle your hometown with. Best wishes in your journey!

posts: 223   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8680297

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 6:50 AM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

I know that you are moving forward to a great opportunity and new adventures without the XW

But what you said about your dog gutted sorry that she took him.

When you are ready to adopt figure out the breed you like and find a rescue group in the new town. There are groups for labs, frenchies, pits, German sheps, any of them will rescue you as much as you rescue him/her.

Keep on moving forward and check in once in a while, you can offer som BTDT advice to someone going thru what you are....

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1193   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8680301

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 7:14 AM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

Good luck and have a safe travel! Enjoy the scenic view.

Don't focus too much on what's lacking on yourself. You are enough! She wanted to cheat and her cheating has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It's a good thing it happened now that you're still young and have all the time to restart. No worries about child support, alimonies and anything else. Just let go and move on.

At 28 years old and a well educated young man, you have all the time to experience a new world! Your woman is somewhere out there in the new world. Someone who really cares for you!

All the best!

posts: 403   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8680303

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:30 PM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

Keep checking in on your drive home. You are not alone.

posts: 2490   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8680341

Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Enjoy the trip. Stop at local diners, meet some new people and enjoy the view as you travel across country. Use music to overwhelm your unquiet mind. Get out of the car and do a walk about. This is a great reset for you. Be safe.

posts: 1065   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8680532

TheWrongOne ( member #78753) posted at 5:07 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

CB don't worry about flirting and women and all that stuff. Once you heal from the pain you will get back into a rhythm and soon you will be yourself, except better than your were before. Getting over your ex will be tough but you will get through it.

Once you heal everything else will fall into place. You are young, hard working and a respected lawyer. Those qualities alone will make you attractive to women. Never go looking for a new woman. One will come to you in short order, most likely long before you are ready for her.

posts: 190   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8680563

geelozjava ( new member #79225) posted at 7:43 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Hey Cheesecakebaker. I've been following your story from the 'just found out' forum, and I just have to commend you for your resilience and express how inspirational the way you chose yourself in this horrendous situation is! I want to recommend Dr. Aziz Gazipura, a clinical psychologist-turned-author, he has 4 books available on audible; 'The solution to social anxiety' - it is holistic and focuses more on rebuilding dating confidence and self-compassion to shift from a negative self-concept and connect with people, 'On my own side' - It's about being kind to yourself, and teaching your mind how to lean towards being a loving self-coach rather than an unrelenting critic against yourself, 'Not Nice' - which deals more with being your authentic assertive self who says and asks for what you want, and I've noticed reading your story that you've had trouble with being assertive and expressing your true thoughts and feelings, and 'The art of extraordinary confidence' - which I think speaks for itself. I am also on a journey to be my authentic self and love myself unconditionally, I've had esteem issues especially with relationships because of being cheated on, so I know that feeling of deficiency to such a sad extent. All the best!

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2021
id 8680621

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 5:01 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

I am checking in with an update. I am writing from a cool bar in Denver Colorado. I am going to spend the next several days here, hiking, biking, running and enjoying the mountain air. It is a nice refresher that I very much need…

Anyway. The day after I left for my road trip, I sent a courtesy/appreciation text to both my father in law and my mother in law. Let them know my plans: new job, moving away, etc. told them it was good to have the time I did with them and I appreciated their kindness and welcoming me into their family.

Fifteen minutes later my father in law calls me and is completely BAFFLED. Turns out my soon to be ex had merely told him that we were “just separating” for a bit and had mentioned nothing about divorce or the other guy. I only assume she hasn’t even told her mom anything at all based on their already strained relationship.

I am cackling.

Shortly thereafter, I get a text from STBXW: “Have you talked to my mom?”

I did not respond and will not respond.

If she “hadn’t done anything wrong”, as she has maintained this whole time, there’d be nothing to lie to her parents about.

I felt so bad for them. They were utterly confused; had no idea; were completely blindsided.

I told them both: “Look, I can’t speak for her. I can only tell you my point of view. So, ask her to tell you about Mark. Maybe she’ll introduce you guys sometime!”

So. She has made her bed and now must lay in it. Her parents are devastated and shocked; and now they have at least some semblance of an idea that Mark destroyed our marriage. She’ll never be able to introduce them to him without them thinking that. She is screwed. I can’t WAIT to see what other texts she sends me in the coming days/weeks/months, begging me to come back, to discuss things with her, to take her back.


[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 11:01 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8681114

MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 5:13 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

That is a nice feeling. You came a long way quickly, and left her "standing there like the house by the side of the road." That's how my favorite old school baseball announcer, Ernie Harwell would describe the batter getting a called third strike. Now that I think of it your XW was doing the same as you threw the 3rd strike.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:14 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1193   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8681115

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 5:50 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

That goes to show that you don't know the real person you married for 18 months. She lies to everyone. She even lie to her parents.

posts: 403   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8681118

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 10:14 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Hey CCB 👋

About your STBXW... UGH! no surprises there right? I do feel for your in-laws.

What an amazing part of the world to chill in!!! I'm not even American and I've heard of the great trails around Denver (red rocks amphitheater for example), also heard the botanical gardens is worth a stroll. Whatever you choose to explore it'll be a blast! Oh... if you're into BBQ, Dave's and Jim-n-Nick (or jim and nick ???) was always on my list of go to place for a beer and some BBQ. Root Down if you're a veggie and want a veggie meal out.

I'm late to the party, podcasts and music.

For podcasts and long road trips I google what is the funniest rated podcast for the moment. 'WTF With Marc Maron' is a classic comedy podcast that is over a decade old now (haven't listened to it for a while so unsure if it nails the laughs anymore) but there are new ones that come out all the time. IDK I just love the freedom of laughing like a lunatic on the road and just feeling great. If you haven't listened to it 'My Dad Wrote a Porno' is just hilarious, been out for a while but it's a good laugh (in a nutshell a son discovered his dad was writing erotica and it is just so badly and hilariously written he felt compelled to make a podcast reading it out ). 'Uhh Yeah Dude' is rated as well and informative when they talk about news around the place.

As for music... unsure of your tastes but spotify has a heap of solid mixes, I tend to start with The Traveling Wilburys, Fleetwood Mac, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty and work my way out from there. However I have enjoyed a Fatboy Slim, Chemical Brothers and (the) Prodigy road trip before as well as a hyped up road trip to The Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, Arctic Monkeys, Kings of Leon, Bloc Party, Amy Winehouse which was enjoyable too... depends on the mood.

So excited for you, savor this! (and not just because of this being the new chapter of your life but general holiday before you're back in the rat race.)

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 4:17 AM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8681123

dblackstar2002 ( member #70704) posted at 12:53 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

As my father would say, Her chickens are coming home to roost. Hang on, This is about to get interesting......

posts: 272   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2019
id 8681137
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