I guess, since I've been away for a bit and I know you fine folks are here to listen and to help, I will start trying to post more regularly as this Forum has been very cathartic for me as a way to vent and "journal" my feelings a bit. I really appreciate the input, advice, and encouragement I have received here and am grateful for more.
I have found myself, recently, being unable to focus my mind on any sort of "visual medium". For some fucking reason, I cannot watch anything on TV. I can't pay attention to movies or new television series; I can barely focus my mind on reading a book in front of me; I can't play video games for more than 5-10 minutes at a time. I get so easily distracted these days.
Now, any content I consume is "audio"-based. When I take my dog on a walk (and we go on TONS of walks!) I always have music in, or a podcast, or, more often as of late, a cool audiobook. If I am physically doing something to keep my hands/body occupied, I can enjoy some content.
But it also sucks. I'd love to watch the new Dune movie! Hell, I'd love to read Dune! I would love to play a new video game that's being hyped up. But I just cannot seem to focus my mind and attention on any of it...I tried to watch Dune the other night and got 30 minutes into it before realizing that 95 minutes had actually passed because I had to keep pausing, rewinding it, and re-watching certain scenes over and over again because I hadn't paid attention.
My hypothesis? Now that I have moved into my own place, settled into my new job, have officially adopted my new dog...things in my life are "calming down" after the roller-coaster of a year I experienced. And for the first time in literally MONTHS, both my mind and body are catching up and are like, "yo, what the HELL is going on?"
I feel like I have a lot of work to do. Mentally, emotionally, physically, logically.
I feel like a failure so much of the time. I don't even know what to do now. I go to therapy weekly, I journal almost daily, I eat healthy, I exercise every single day (hitting the gym to lift weights, and going on runs with my dog, and cool hikes on the weekends).
And yet, I still feel like a failure and like nothing is getting better. I can't seem to look at myself objectively and see, "Hey, you're actually doing incredible for what you have been through." I feel lonely, and I judge myself for feeling lonely. I crave physical connection; I miss having fun conversations with a partner; I miss receiving funny texts and inside jokes from a person I am interested in/dating. I miss planning trips and date nights or wine-and-movie nights in, cuddling with warm blankets. I am especially worried, going into the holiday season, how I am going to start feeling here in a week or two and throughout December...
Anyway. That is my rambling thoughts/public-forum-journal-entry for the day. Thanks for being here, for being willing to read my thoughts and my experiences and offer me support...it truly means a lot.