Newest Member: AcesEights

Divorce/Separation :
Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!

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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 6:29 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

You are human. These feelings are normal.

You have been able to move forward to a certain point.

You have the time now that you are single, to start more personal development.

Occupational wise, what can you do to further enhance your knowledge base, your skills, your career development.

Hit the gym.

What have you always wanted to do, but have never had the time to do it.

Maybe start doing things on your bucket list.

Use this time now while you have it.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8698492
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 7:52 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

I guess, since I've been away for a bit and I know you fine folks are here to listen and to help, I will start trying to post more regularly as this Forum has been very cathartic for me as a way to vent and "journal" my feelings a bit. I really appreciate the input, advice, and encouragement I have received here and am grateful for more.

I have found myself, recently, being unable to focus my mind on any sort of "visual medium". For some fucking reason, I cannot watch anything on TV. I can't pay attention to movies or new television series; I can barely focus my mind on reading a book in front of me; I can't play video games for more than 5-10 minutes at a time. I get so easily distracted these days.

Now, any content I consume is "audio"-based. When I take my dog on a walk (and we go on TONS of walks!) I always have music in, or a podcast, or, more often as of late, a cool audiobook. If I am physically doing something to keep my hands/body occupied, I can enjoy some content.

But it also sucks. I'd love to watch the new Dune movie! Hell, I'd love to read Dune! I would love to play a new video game that's being hyped up. But I just cannot seem to focus my mind and attention on any of it...I tried to watch Dune the other night and got 30 minutes into it before realizing that 95 minutes had actually passed because I had to keep pausing, rewinding it, and re-watching certain scenes over and over again because I hadn't paid attention.

My hypothesis? Now that I have moved into my own place, settled into my new job, have officially adopted my new dog...things in my life are "calming down" after the roller-coaster of a year I experienced. And for the first time in literally MONTHS, both my mind and body are catching up and are like, "yo, what the HELL is going on?"

...

I feel like I have a lot of work to do. Mentally, emotionally, physically, logically.

I feel like a failure so much of the time. I don't even know what to do now. I go to therapy weekly, I journal almost daily, I eat healthy, I exercise every single day (hitting the gym to lift weights, and going on runs with my dog, and cool hikes on the weekends).

And yet, I still feel like a failure and like nothing is getting better. I can't seem to look at myself objectively and see, "Hey, you're actually doing incredible for what you have been through." I feel lonely, and I judge myself for feeling lonely. I crave physical connection; I miss having fun conversations with a partner; I miss receiving funny texts and inside jokes from a person I am interested in/dating. I miss planning trips and date nights or wine-and-movie nights in, cuddling with warm blankets. I am especially worried, going into the holiday season, how I am going to start feeling here in a week or two and throughout December...

Anyway. That is my rambling thoughts/public-forum-journal-entry for the day. Thanks for being here, for being willing to read my thoughts and my experiences and offer me support...it truly means a lot.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8698568
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Inability to focus is a big thing following trauma (in your case betrayal trauma).

I know you are already working out, doing therapy, eating right. Mindful meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises can help. This can help process the feelings that tend to interrupt your focus.

I'm sure sleep is also not coming easy, which can also impact focus. Unisom helps a lot if you have trouble going to sleep and isn't technically habit forming like lots of other sleep aids (though you also shouldn't be taking it all the time because you might be masking other sleep issues).

You are doing a good job of things even if you still don't feel like it. It takes time to heal. Thanks for the update.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8698586
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ChewedMeUp ( member #8008) posted at 8:39 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

I get the physical "doing something" aspect of it. I found myself refinishing a table and my headboard and a couple of chairs. Not something I'd ever done before, but I did all of them by sanding, rather than chemical strippers, to have the occupation and staying busy. I also tried a fencing class, that I fared very poorly in, against 12 year olds, but it was fun for a few weeks anyway!

Since audio is sticking where not much else will, perhaps some of the books that get recommended around here often for self-help stuff, like The Body Keeps the Score, or Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Other genres, I recently caught up with the Sandman full-cast audio dramas and those were great!

But you'll get through - it's just that dreaded time, unfortunately.

BS - 40
DivorcED, finally.
2 Kids

posts: 596   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2005   ·   location: Baltimore, MD
id 8698750
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 10:38 PM on Tuesday, November 16th, 2021

I received some very valuable advice after my D … some may find it crude, but it’s spot on for a guy who needs a boost to his confidence and self esteem:

"The best way to get over somebody, is to get under someone else."

posts: 40   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8698768
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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 5:24 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Have you considered having a'funeral' for your marriage. A time to let go.

Perhaps have a burn ceremony with anything that has her memories. Or a message that you burn.

Others have had a meaningful moment where they have gone to where they proposed, and thrown the wedding ring away there.

It gives some act of acknowledging the end.

You can adapt it however it suits.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8698844
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:31 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

It will come. Be patient and give yourself grace. I'm 3+ years S, and only now getting my balance back, albeit slowly. For much of the time I felt like a bingo ball bouncing around. Now I am mostly calm and starting to really enjoy my time with self, souchbso that I wonder if I can ever make room for another person on my life.

Healing takes time, and the biggest mistake other than trying R, was jumping into a relationship too fast. I think that has set me behind in my healing, as it wounded me, in some ways more than the end of my M.

You sound like you are doing everything right. You just need your healing to catch up with your efforts. One thing that helped me was to mentally graph my healing so I could realize that there was indeed a positive trajectory and I could be fairly certain that it would continue, as it has. You got this.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1132   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8698845
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 10:38 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

It's tangential at best, but you might want to try the Audiobook to DUNE before going into the movie cold. It's a dense narrative, with lots of tiny little bits that are important later.

Glad to hear you are transitioning, but I think your visual input aversion is puzzling. AFAIK, there really was nothing about your marriage that would have triggered that. You might want to see a therapist (if you aren't already) to see what they might suggest.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 774   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8698961
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:32 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Perhaps have a burn ceremony with anything that has her memories.

I suggested him do something like this before he moved to his new city after they've shared their stuff.

Let me suggest something easy to do. Have you seen the movie 50/50? It might be good for you.

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8698969
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 12:53 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

A good audio book that is aimed exactly where you are at is "Now What?" by DSO. Narrated by the author. It is for a guy in your shoes who just divorced a cheating wife and got hosed. I think you will find some help there. All the best.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 130   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8698982
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 7:34 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Been thinking of you and your journey and hoping you're well (with pup).

Random question but do you game? Playing a game with set goals to complete can help fill in those nights when you're too awake to sleep but too exhausted to give anything mental energy. My therapist's receptionist of all people suggested this and it did help, he urged me to play a game called 'Diablo 3', not my cup of tea at all as it's highly violent with demonic horror themes, but I wanted to try anything simply because I was so sick and tired of myself and the situation I was forced into. Needless to say having goals in the game and basically killing everything left and right in a dramatical way was so satisfying, it was a time sink but it wasn't a consuming time sink, it was more a therapeutic purging of much needed negativity. I couldn't say if it was virtual goals to distract me or the outright violence but it gave me something to look forward to, something to muffle/forget the sad thoughts and it really did help me through that phase. Something to consider.

Making new playlists on my ipod helped, I know most hate the youtube algorithm but finding new songs by falling down the 'recommended' rabbit hole was entertaining.

As for christmas, this is my first without my wayward too, being with my family will help and mum has given me set things to organize to keep me occupied, maybe ask the folks if there is anything you can help with - grocery shopping, decoration hanging, cooking, anything, and focus on helping them rather than it being the holidays. IDK you might think that's dumb but it's helping me get through this time.

I can't wait to see the dune movie, the first one was so bad and the books are great.

Take care CCB, hoping you get through this part.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 7:56 AM, Thursday, November 18th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8699015
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 4:58 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

CCB, I expect that you have discussed these feelings with your therapist, and probably heard that it is normal. If so, I agree. I expect that MOST of the folks who have endured infidelity have felt the same. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I feel lonely, and I judge myself for feeling lonely. I crave physical connection;

Feeling lonely is natural and understandable. Don't judge yourself.

In regards to craving physical connection - that is human nature. Nothing to be ashamed of.

posts: 1556   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8699079
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 11:21 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Pretty normal stuff.
1. Stop the negative self talk. When you catch yourself doing it say out loud (if you can if not to yoursef) 3 positive things about yourself.

2. Your mind may still be stuck in fight/flight mode, and if it is sometimes your concentration will improve if you are physically doing something when trying to watch TV. I have ADHD so I often am doing 2 things at once, and one thing that I have taught myself that I love to do, and is cool because you are creating things, is crochet. Yup I crochet when the TV is on in the evening. I make simple hats that don't require anything but muscle memory when I have had stressful days, and donate them to a food pantry, and women shelter. My point is positive action will help you move forward from this.

3. Cut yourself some slack. You were married an in a relationship for years, you don't just "get over it" overnight. It takes time. It's ok to allow yourself to grieve.
I agree with maybe trying some singles events/dates, and even some good old sex with no strings. But be very honest with the person, and enjoy it. Sex is good for us, releases tons of good hormones.

4. Maybe give up on TV for a while. Try watching concerts on youtube, and reading, or playing with the dog. I frequently will pull up my favorite group and blast a concert while I'm just relaxing in the evening. It's good for my soul. It's almost as good as going to a real show too.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19020   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8699149
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