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Newest Member: Bert

Divorce/Separation :
Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!

Topic is Sleeping.

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 3:15 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

If you have a FB or Instragram account, be sure to plaster it with pics of you, the dog, the hikes, the everything you do... to let your STBXW know she hasn't put you 6' under. Show her the better life you live. Maybe she will think twice about her betrayal.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4474   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8682355

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 6:48 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Is she thinking about me? Is she feeling guilty? Sad? Upset? Angry? Annoyed at me for leaving? Is she just fucking Mark all the time and having the time of her life and not giving two shits about me?

Probably she lives through all of these from time to time. But one thing you can be sure of is that your last sentence is true. She's not worried in the slightest about your condition. Remember her last message, she was worried about herself.

All the while she did nothing to show that she wanted this marriage and you. She showed many times who she wanted, and that's why your marriage is over. Sad but true.

As I said before, their togetherness does not seem like a joyful, butterflies love. It's like she's sharing her brokennes and unhappiness with him. I don't think this is healthy and will last long. Of course, I write these without seeing anything, just a feeling. Even you don't know what is going on. There is no overflowing joy or happiness. Live your best life, she is not your problem anymore.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8682402

stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 8:11 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

So happy you are with family! Have so much fun with your sister!

Unsolicited advice - slow your roll on the dating! :)

Heal from this first or that first break up post divorce will be a doozy. Trust this old lady, BTDT. Heal first! :)

Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.

posts: 821   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8682435

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Also remember that the foundation of their relationship is lies, deception and immorality. That's not a recipe for a long, healthy relationship. Two losers trying to unite will be pretty short lived.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4474   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8682438

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:12 AM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

So glad to hear you are making a very positive recovery. As time progresses, you will kick yourself for staying so long with this abusive person. She will be a fading image in your rearview mirror. Continue to go NC with your STBXW. Good luck with your new job. As her poison leaves your body, you will continue to recover and will truly find joy and happiness with another who is deserving of you.

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8682525

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:57 AM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Finish it. Block the x and her family. You don’t need that hanging over your head.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8682542

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:39 PM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

It’s easy to fall into the trap of "do they miss me Or are they having the best fk-a-thon of their life" mental/emotional tug of war. My IC told me this can eventually lead to an addiction of sorts, thinking about them like this, it can be considered a form of pain shopping without even realising it. Luckily you can retrain your mind with activities. Distraction & Detachment. If it happens (thinking about her) and you have time to do some exercise (even if it’s non-traditional exercise like cleaning the house or gardening) go do that first and concentrate on the activity and your breathing (getting lost in the lyrics of songs help too) this is the best to break the habit because the endorphins from exercising help reinforce and reward you for thinking about something/anything else and eventually it will be easier to drop her from your mind without dwelling. If you’re not in a position to exercise you need to distract your mind, a computer game, a chore, a book or hunting for new music (I’m in the habit of searching a song I love on YT then falling down the music rabbit hole of what is recommended), all things to refocus the mind (since we share music tastes I did the rabbit hole hunt recently and rediscovered my love for Mighty Mighty Bosstones which led me to great Ska music, give it a go, I created a great playlist from it.)

Did you end up signing for the place you liked?

Hope you’re settling in at the new job, we all have that first week jitters but it can be exhilarating too.

Best wishes CCB.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:41 PM, Tuesday, August 10th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8682570

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 1:10 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

I’m having a really hard day today. I guess I will start with the GOOD stuff:

Almost done with the first week of my new job. I’ve experienced the entire gamut of typical "first week" job things: fire-hose blasts of new information, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, awkwardness with meeting new people and having to learn the personalities/expectations of my new superiors. I’m also basically learning (read: self-teaching myself) an entire new area of the law - which is difficult, but fun and interesting!! I think I am going to end up liking it. I think it will be a good fit for me…after some time passes and I settle in.

Second piece of good news: I found an apartment for myself!! It’s in a GREAT part of the city I’m in, it’s not right downtown, but it’s only going to take me about 15 minutes to get to the office. That is good, given that I am hoping to get my dog within the first week or two after moving. I will be able to go home during lunch and check on him and play with him a bit. I am very excited about that. I am also really excited about being able to decorate and buy all new furniture and really make my place MINE.

The bad stuff:

I can’t stop thinking about my STBXW. I can’t stop missing my old puppy. I can’t stop thinking about how…quickly she just…checked out of our marriage and moved on and found a new guy. I can’t stop thinking about how unfair it seems that she is probably just doing fine, having the time of her life being "free" and not even concerned at all about me. I can’t stop that little voice in the back of my head hoping that she has texted me - not because I want to talk to her, but just to know that she thought of me.

It’s all so hard. I feel like shit today; I have felt like crying all day. I feel like I am just faking…everything. It is hard to get out of bed, hard to eat, hard to talk to people—even my family, hard to connect, hard to want to be social, hard to want to exercise. I was doing so well - I thought - and then all of a sudden BOOM. Today, waves and waves of shiftiness washing over me. I don’t feel like I have anyone I can talk to right now. So I am typing my thoughts and feelings out.

I feel so lonely right now. I miss having sex. I miss cuddling. I miss holding hands. I miss hugging. I miss BEING around someone who I love and who I feel loves me. I miss feeling wanted and desired. I miss having someone in my life who wants to talk to me, to be around me, to do stuff with me. I miss feeling confident in myself and with my life…I know, for sure, that I am not ready to date seriously at all right now. But I am just so TIRED and so scared that I am never going to get to a place where I feel comfortable dating. I don’t even really know…how? I’ve never done online dating apps or anything…idk. I’m getting ahead of myself, I know. But these are all real, valid worries I am struggling with right now.

Ugh. Sorry for the long, sad message. It’s just a tough day. I am finding it hard to find happiness right now.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8683162

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 1:33 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

Sorry you are going through this, but vent away. It helps to write it down and get it out. They call it a rollercoaster for a reason. You will get through it. Your fears are absolutely normal. Pretty soon it’s going to hit you that you have taken on some fiercely difficult life challenges, and defeated them. You have left a lying deceitful cheater who did not deserve you, behind to her own rewards. You have made a major move and undertaken a challenging new professional job all at the same time. You are establishing a new life after being betrayed by the one person who vowed to be faithful to you. The answer to your fears in the long term is to appreciate your own strength in how you have handled this crisis. You’ve taken the high road. You’ve demonstrated strength and resolve. You have valued yourself enough to leave an unremorseful cheater despite your emotional love connection to her. Celebrate you!

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8683164

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 1:51 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

The five most stressful events in life.
1. Death of a loved one
2. Divorce
3. Moving
4. Major Illness
5. Loss of job

You pretty much checked off 3 of the top 5. You can throw 1 in also since your WW killed the persona of who you thought your WW was. Typically in getting a new job and moving, you would lean in on your partner. That makes your loss of her even more extreme. Losing the puppy doesn't help either. Dogs are all about unconditional love. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think you'll find that as your anxiety over the newness of the job and move wear off, you won't be so focused on what you miss from your WW. This too shall pass and you'll move on to an even better life than you thought you had.

posts: 1130   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8683172

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:50 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

All the feelings and ranges of emotions are normal. I went thru them when my XWW left me for Mr. Moneybags. Never thought I'd see the light of day again. But you're young. This will slowly work itself out. Feel the pain. It will make you wiser and more resilient. On the other end you'll come out stronger. Patience. Breathe easy and take this one day at a time. Find things to do. I went to games and concerts alone for a while and it felt crappy but it was better than hanging around the apartment. Just start moving around slowly....

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4474   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8683185

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:17 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

It's very good that there's nothing wrong with your new job. Other problems are temporary.

The things you were missing were the things your STBXW didn't give you anymore, so you would miss them even if she was with you, that's why you're getting divorced. So when these things come to your mind, you shouldn't imagine your wife and past, but the future and living with someone who deserves you.

It is very normal to experience these feelings, everything is very new, but you can be sure that it will pass. When you think of these days in the future, maybe you won't believe yourself. But don't be unfair then, you don't realize how well you handled it. Without these feelings you're talking about, I almost wouldn't believe you were real. For example, taking a stand on WS without showing any weakness or emotion is something most people fail to do. Very few can move so clearly and quickly. And her unresponsiveness is very sad, but it also proves how right you are.

If I remember correctly, you were going out with your sister and her friends. I'm sure your sister didn't waste any time and her friends are single girls. You may get out of this mood much sooner than you think, who knows.

Don't worry, everything's gonna be alright.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8683205

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:23 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

Nostalgia raises its head. Got it.

Think about her having her shiny new boyfriend behind your back.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8683343

Georgyboy ( new member #46803) posted at 12:53 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

How are you doing CB?
Hopefully all is well.

posts: 27   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2015   ·   location: UK
id 8684110

phmh ( member #34146) posted at 1:20 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Have you read the Fear vs Reality thread that's stickied at top? I started it because I had so many fears, and my reality turned out so much better than I ever thought it could be. Keep moving forward. You are still so new to 3, 5, and especially 10 years, you will be so happy! I wish I could show you in a crystal ball. It definitely takes far longer than seems fair. But the me of 10 years ago couldn't even imagine the life I have now. Focus on your job, on your healing. Be careful about dating too early as you can wind up with someone as bad as or ever worse than your WXW, because that's what feels comfortable. You need to reset what you will tolerate. You've got this.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4981   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8684290

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:23 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

How about signing up with a Trauma Specialist Therapist for a few months just to help get you back on your emotional feet? I think that might be important to do.

Don’t worry about your ex and what she is experiencing. She’s gonna find out what she lost as time goes on. And I guarantee she’s not having as good a time as you are imagining.

As I think I said earlier in your thread, someday she may show up in your town looking to get back what she had. My hope is by then you’ve built a great new life w someone else and can wish her well and send her on Her way.

I have no doubt. That as you get more comfortable in your new life you’ll also get comfortable in meeting new women and finding one to slowly build a relationship with. But no need to rush it. It will happen organically.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3392   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8684338

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:13 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Haven't checked in here for a while.

I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I get how hard all these changes are.

Things are going well for you materially! Remember that. You are doing well. There is a lot of stress, a lot of new, and a lot of uncertainty, but I promise you, you will not be eaten by a lion.

Get a therapist.

Make a breakup/take your power back playlist. Listen to it while you run or workout. Yell, cry, whatever. Get it out. Just not at work :)

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1909   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8684442

 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 1:36 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Thank you all for the kind words, and for checking in on me and continuing to offer encouragement. Thought I’d provide a bit of an update:

- the new job is going GREAT. I was nervous at first - starting a new thing - but honestly, this new firm is excellent, the other people here are so friendly and helpful, and the law that I am practicing combines my two favorite areas of law and I am learning a lot and really enjoying it.

- tomorrow is my birthday, and I have some friends coming down from out of state to visit me and hang out with me all day.

- i have found my own place to rent! The housing market is insane out where I am right now, so buying a house is simply just not feasible for me at the moment. But I found a great two-bedroom apartment at a reasonable price, in a great part of town - close enough to my office downtown to not make the commute a pain, but far enough away to not be paying downtown premium prices. PLUS, it is right near a bunch of excellent dog parks, walking trails, and mountain/hiking areas so I can spend a lot of time being active and outdoors with the new dog I will be adopting!

- Brings me to my next point: I got to meet the new dog I am adopting today! I met him at a park and got to play fetch with him and take him on a walk. He was so friendly, so playful, and so happy to hang out with me. It made my heart feel so full and I am so happy to know that this is going to work out for me. His name is Marley and he is going to be my new best buddy:

(I couldn’t figure out how to get the photo to post/work here, but if I can, I’ll share a picture!)

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 1:37 AM, Saturday, August 21st]

posts: 115   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8684649

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:55 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Thanks for the update. Nice to see things starting to work out. You n' Marley will have some excellent adventures.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4474   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8684660

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 7:47 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021


All excellent news and great progress, thank you for checking back in, it really does help with the lurkers who are so afraid of ‘life after M’ that reading updates like this does put things into perspective.

Marley is a great name and being so close to those parks is a major boon since if you get lost in mind movies, inner monologues etc you can easily get out of the house with Marley and focus on that.

Truly great news CCB!

(As for pics you need to upload the pic on a host site like imgur, grab the link then click the pic icon on the post and post the link... I hope 😅)

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8684667
Topic is Sleeping.
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