Newest Member: UnsureAgain

General :
One night stands

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 7:38 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

So, bit of a delicate subject. What are your views on casual sex? I recently ended a friendship which was turning into something else and decided to take a break and focus on my healing. It so happens that, whenever I decide to take time on dating, that’s when trouble comes looking for me.

Today I was contacted out of the blue by someone I ‘used to know’. He got in touch before but I was in a committed relationship so it didn’t go any further. This time I am single and truth be told, I am tempted. I miss that side of things. At the same time, I recently re-started IC and it’s going well and I probably don’t need the distraction.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were offered a bit of fun and you went for it? Even if you had sworn off men (or women) for the foreseeable future? I feel really conflicted

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8648901
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 7:57 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Everybody feels things. Cheaters feel things and they use those feelings to justify their cheating. Look at betrayed spouses. They have all kinds of feelings. I love him, I hate him, how can I live with/without him. Feelings are like dust in the wind, except the wind is blowing smoke up your ass. My fourteen year old daughter had feelings about al things enough to fill the grand canyon.

Feelings are what they are. No one can deny you whatever you feel. After you have felt your feelings enough to satisfy you, choose do to what you think it right, taking into consideration all the risks, rewards, the real life impact on you and others, your future, your principles. Then do whatever you want from there.

Making decisions based on feelings has all the reliability of the trauma we witness on SI. Make your thoughtful choice - the feelings part is a piece of cake - how your choice might impact you is the deeper consideration. You're an adult. Feelings or not you are free to do what you want.

[This message edited by DIFM at 1:58 PM, April 8th, 2021 (Thursday)]

posts: 1729   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8648902
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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 8:22 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Making decisions based on feelings has all the reliability of the trauma we witness on SI

Except when both people are single and willing, in which case I don’t necessary think the analogy works.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 2:25 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8648903
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 8:31 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

You get to choose. 'Yes' and 'no' are both OK choices. Seeing something desirable in both yes and no seems right to me - there are benefits to you from both answers.

Whatever you cho(o)se, I hope it works out even better than you hoped.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8648905
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WalkingHome ( member #72857) posted at 8:43 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Casual sex can be a lot of fun...and is usually unhealthy. It is a great bad coping mechanism that creates all kinds of mixed up emotions and feelings. Long term, it can interfere with the ability to truly pair bond with a mate and it can lead to a cycle of serial monogamy that isn't actually monogamy.

All in all...it is what it is. A lot of people do it...and a lot of people get diseases, pregnant, develop super bad relationships and habits...but some walk away with no issues. Just depends on how you want to roll those dice.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8648908
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 8:57 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I suppose for me it would depend on what I’m looking to get out of the ONS. Is it purely for the physical release? With a new partner there is definitely no guarantee a woman will even experience that.Maybe you’ve slept with him before, and know what you can expect. Then I’d say if you’re fine with a no strings attached physical relationship, go for it. I’m not sure I am capable of that myself, but know plenty of people are.

If it’s to fill any sort of emotional void I would be wary of engaging in a ONS. If you’re looking for validation of you being attractive or sexy, I think I’d stick with the IC a bit longer before going the NSA route. Casual sex I’m sure can be fun. I also think it can do more damage than good sometimes.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 692   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8648911
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 9:27 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Honestly, if you're questioning whether or not it's good for you, it's probably not good for you.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1916   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8648913
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:44 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

Casual sex can be a lot of fun...and is usually unhealthy. It is a great bad coping mechanism that creates all kinds of mixed up emotions and feelings. Long term, it can interfere with the ability to truly pair bond with a mate and it can lead to a cycle of serial monogamy that isn't actually monogamy.

I absolutely disagree with this. I've never had problems pair-bonding. I have had plenty of casual sex while single with other single men. I don't know what kind of magic voo-doo that's supposed to do to your private parts or heart, but I've not found that to be any impediment to having a loving monogamous relationship. My marriage certainly did not fail due to a lack of pair-bonding on my part. I've no interest in serial monogamy either. I didn't fall in love with every man who touched me and the closest I've come to getting STDs was from my cheating husband. Safe and sane casual sex isn't going to ruin people.

But...not everyone is geared towards casual sex. It isn't something everyone is going to want or to be comfortable with. It may be against your religion or just completely outside of your comfort zone. That's okay too. It isn't for everyone.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8648916
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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 9:48 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

I suppose for me it would depend on what I’m looking to get out of the ONS. Is it purely for the physical release? With a new partner there is definitely no guarantee a woman will even experience that.Maybe you’ve slept with him before, and know what you can expect

So to give a bit of background, I had a fling with him not long after my divorce. We met a couple of times, NSA. But I was a different person back then and I am not sure I could do it today, but if I am honest with myself, I am tempted. Purely for the physical release.

But getting stronger and sounder emotionally is my absolute priority right now so it would feel like I am taking a detour from that. Hence my conflict.

Edited to say: I also don’t agree that having casual sex is necessarily habit forming or that can affect the ability to have functional relationships. So long as both parties know exactly where they stand, and are careful, it really isn’t as ominous as some might think. I had my fair share after divorce and it didn’t affect me negatively at all.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 4:07 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8648918
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 3:56 AM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Except when both people are single and willing, in which case I don’t necessary think the analogy works.

My mistake for not being more clear in the premise. Feelings can result in trauma or joy and all things in between. My only point was that giving critical consideration to whatever you feel like doing is probably a good idea because feelings are often not a good predictor of after feelings.

posts: 1729   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8648993
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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 2:19 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

@DIFM, thank you for the clarification. It makes a lot more sense now. I accept that acting upon feelings is not a good predictor of future outcome, but merely a gamble that, as you said, might or might not pay off. And I agree that as BS, we need to consider the consequences of our actions on other people very very carefully. That is one lesson I will never ‘unlearn’.

This situation is very clear cut though: he’s single, I am single, we are both adults and no one else would be affected in the slightest. So my reservations are not of a moral nature, but have more to do with the fact that I am doing pretty hard core IC, focusing on boundaries and co-dependency, and I don’t want to lose the momentum.

And although intellectually I know that a ONS wouldn’t fundamentally change my views and vision on what needs to happen for me right now, I can’t be absolutely sure that it will not interfere with the process at all.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8649111
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:22 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

KF,

Never did, as I always thought of the collateral damage.

But I remember every one I quietly turned down.

posts: 1056   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8649116
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 2:33 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

While it has never been my style - what happens between 2 consenting adults [that are not attached to anyone else] is their business. I do hope said consenting unattached adults use safe(er) sex practices.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8649125
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

The thing is: feelings ALWAYS influence our decisions, no matter how objective one thinks they are.*

You've asked the question. That's a big step in minimizing the influence of emotions on your decision.

You're looking at 2 desirable goals. One will probably provide short term good feelings and will probably delay, but not prevent, getting the other desirable object. The other choice will probably get you the 2nd, long-term desirable object a bit sooner.

You can't predict the outcome of either action.

You can, however, have faith in yourself to make a choice and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.

* Question: if you use 'they/them/their' to refer to a single person, do you use a singular or plural form of the verb?

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:14 AM, April 9th (Friday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8649194
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lifestoshort ( member #18442) posted at 3:38 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

Its a hard no for me even tho I am a sexual being. I just cannot hook up. maybe when I was 18-20. Now no way.

If you want to, if you get a thrill and you feel better, if you want to enjoy yourself, go for it.

For me, It would make me feel icky. too many not sure's and unsafeness in that area.

Im 45. 1st H I left in 2001 after 3 kids. narcassist.
2nd exH had MANY affairs.FALSE R. cheats again. D 5/09. 2 kids. I got 100% custody. ex hasnt seen kids in 5 yrs.
2014 to now: dated highschool sweetheart. He cheated w 23 yr old. she stayed

posts: 1051   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2008
id 8649230
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 3:47 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

I've never had one - I just have to have a certain comfort level with someone before I can go there . . . I think it's perfectly fine so long as everyone is up front with intentions.

posts: 9413   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8649239
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:55 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

I think it's perfectly fine so long as everyone is up front with intentions.

That's one of the reasons I've always avoided them. Just sex has a tendency of turning into a desire for more than sex for at least one of couple. That's an awkwardness I'd want to avoid. But then again, I also considered a bit of a prude by many.

posts: 792   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8649249
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twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 3:56 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

I did everything the proper way in life and never had a one night stand until a few years ago. It showed me that I was not broken in the bedroom (like I felt I would be after being with someone for so long).

I've had a few, but want to be clear that communication is key to not having anyone get hurt. It feels weird at first but it's better to have NSA sex with someone that is on the same page as you.

Once I got that out of my system, I decided NOT to sleep with someone until I dated them for a bit (a few months). Boom, met my now boyfriend and our relationship is awesome.

It's really up to the individual. I was against NSA sex because it was drilled into my head as a Catholic girl. But now I own my sexuality and feel no shame in what I've done. If a man judges me on that, the man is not for me.

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 411   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8649250
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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 5:09 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

I did everything the proper way in life and never had a one night stand until a few years ago. It showed me that I was not broken in the bedroom

Exactly the same here. And like you, I was raised a catholic. When I was a kid, they used to terrify us with all the horrible things that could happen to us if we gave in to temptation: hairy palms, blindness...to name but a few. As an adult, I of course saw it for what it was, but boy, did it give me anxiety growing up!

@Sisoon, you are absolutely right, feelings always determine our next move, even if we tend to rationalise them, but I think in this case feelings can be seen as the effect rather than the cause: a desire to feel in a certain way.

@Suvrus, collateral damage only applies when people who indulge in casual sex are attached, which is not the case here.

@Grubs, you do have a point. People can become emotionally involved, and when it’s just one of them, it can get pretty messy. I have been there once. But it’s not that different from unrequited love in any other scenario, or serial OLD rejection, if you think about it.

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8649288
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 5:14 PM on Friday, April 9th, 2021

* Question: if you use 'they/them/their' to refer to a single person, do you use a singular or plural form of the verb?

Plural verb, even if the gender neutral subject "they" refers to a single person.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2066   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8649290
Topic is Sleeping.
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