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Wayward Side :
At A Loss

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GiggleLoopMayor ( new member #74900) posted at 3:47 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

So im gannin to be a bit more direct because i feel me last post was a bit to soft and personal and ill probably delete it. It sucks that a couple of people posting with absurd certainty that one detail from your affair is the lynchpin in this mental shift walloped is experiencing is gettint to you when so many people have offered good advice.

This is my experience as a healthy 31 year old with covid.

That shit sucked. I was a fighter for half me life, ive worked manual labour me whole adult life. Nothing, no beating, no concussion, no extremely taxing physical day honestly made me feel nearly as close to as awful and exhausted as covid did. It was the worst ive felt consistently for three weeks. I didnt even have to get on a vent but it feels hopeless, like it will never end, i never felt like i was getting better. After the worst night where i felt i couldnt get me body to breathe on its own, i broke down just at the thought of what would happen to me dogs if i died. I mean sitting at me dining room table, head in me hands at 1 in the morning sobbing. I cant imagine how Walloped felt knowing he could possibly be leaving his wife and kids and grand kids. It must of been terrifying, especially also being on a vent too. I understand why you set him up in the house but it must of also been humiliating snd heartbreaking for him to have all of you see him like that. Just being that sick made me feel so weak and powerless and fragile.

Does your affair factor into it. Im sure it does, and i mean hes even told you that. The extra bits you shared about his parents are brutal. Facing his mortality young much like he watched his dad do had to be a mindfuck. The parallels between his mums affair with someone she felt was worthy of her and your affair with a rich playboy gallavantin around manhattan makes it no easier.

Is your affair as large a piece of these issues as you think it is? I sincerely doubt it, i mean im sure its hard on him and his battle with covid probably magnified the issues surrounding his mums affair and being trapped in his mind, but id bet money if he didnt get sick these issues wouldnt be that much of a problem.

So what do you do? You be there for him! Let him eeyore it out if he needs to while you pooh bear it the fuck up and support him. Tell him hes a warrior, tell him how proud you are of him. Thank him for fighting so hard to stick around for his family. If you cant say these things write them. If hes worried you were trying to upgrade dont just tell him you werent, give him a list of all the ways itd be impossible to upgrade from him. Something tangible he can look at and read. He might not even be able to explain how he feels, even after writing this i feel.like ive not done any justice to how depressing and hopeless being that sick felt. Do easy goinng stuff with the kids, set up a day of just staying inside and watching movies with them or whatever. Bring the whole family in and utilize that love.

Again im not walloped or you, i dont know what youve done or how he actually feels and im only going off what ive read, but you both have fought so hard to be where your at now, dont let yourself get down because hes possibly suffering an existential crisis. Dig in and take to heart that alot of these issues have been exacerbated by a deabilitating illness. Im sure im not alone in rooting for the both of you.

[This message edited by GiggleLoopMayor at 9:54 AM, December 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2020
id 8620709
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:27 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

Please don't delete your post, GLM. It's a guideline violation for one thing. More to the point, I think you wrote something really important.

I'll piggy-back on that. I lost my mom. Her funeral was 30 days ago. Since then, I've remembered sadness after sadness. My W's A weighs on me. I don;t get everything done that I want to get done.

It's not the old traumas coming back to haunt me. Rather, it's the loss I feel now that triggers memories of other losses.

The cure isn't to focus on the old traumas; I've healed form them. It's to process the feelings that come from the new loss.

Come to think of it, my W can help me mourn by really being with me, by being herself, by asking if I'd like something from her, by offering whatever she wants to give.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:28 AM, December 30th (Wednesday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26135   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8620717
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

Please don't delete your post, GLM. It's a guideline violation for one thing.

Momentary thread jack: I thought that the "no deleting" guideline applied to original posts, not comments? I don't think it's that uncommon for members to heavily edit or delete a comment that they later decide was inadvisable. However, I have seen the introductory post on a thread restored by mods if the OP tries to delete it.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2048   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8620726
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newlife03 ( member #56527) posted at 5:26 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

I didn't read through the 7 pages of comments so forgive me if this has already been stated.

Could it be that he is approaching 'mid-life crisis' age and is pondering everything in his life that has nothing to do with the A? With what appears to be incredible efforts on your part to help him through the A back then and even now, I just wonder if his struggles go beyond that.

I think individual counseling would be good for him, to give him a chance to look deep into his own feelings, insecurities (if there are any) and whatever else he needs to get through this next phase of his life. I think many of us reach that point where we stop and think about where we've been, what we had hoped to accomplish and if we met the goals we set long ago. Maybe he needs to evaluate what his goals were and how to get back to achieving them. I hope it all works out for you both!

Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011

posts: 657   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: ID
id 8620731
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 5:46 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

I am a betrayed spouse. (Could not make myself type bs lol.)

I have for some strange reason of late ventured into posting on the wayward part of the forum when there is no stop sign.

I can not imagine what the two of you went through even without the betrayal. That said, I wish you both peace and healing. I can do that because you are truly sorry you hurt this man who loved you and you have chosen to attempt repairations. At some point if you have done what you needed to do: tell the full truth if your husband wanted it and change your wayward thoughts and behavior every single day and your husband is willing to recommit then I think accept the gift and cherish the giver.

When someone is not well whether post covid or ptsd or ? then I know it is human nature to want to help them and "take care of them". My guess from your posting is that you have empathy and I applaud you for that.

That said, I believe that peace for me is coming from letting go of controlling another person. I think that can be mitigated by clear and open conversation and consent (something that incidentally is missing when a spouse cheats--I did not consent to an open relationship).

Sorry this is so long..but...

As an example, I have someone in my life who for whatever unknown reason their blood pressure goes up when they eat wheat. I got verbal permission to talk with them about possible ways to test to see if certain things might make their blood pressure go up. They said they were willing to consider diet. That said, I treat them like a grown adult and don't monitor their cookie consumption. I got consent to share what I knew about diet etc. And then let them decide. Also, when they were learning about what had wheat in it, I asked if they wanted me to tell them when they were buying or ordering something I know has wheat in it. They said yes.

What is my point? I think there is a fine line between helping someone and controlling them. It is all in whether we consentally do something WITH or TO someone.

I don't know but maybe ask your bs if he wants help exploring what is going on. Does he want a Dr. Apt? Blood tests? Counseling. Trauma support (my bet covid is a severe trauma made worse heaped on top of the abuse and trauma of an affair).

The ws told me that I was controlling. I took a good hard look at myself and realized that that was my response to trauma and gaslighting and his general abuse. And I made post d day changes.

If I was hazarding a guess you don't want to lose the relationship with your bs. You may want to get him help for his emotions to keep that from happening? And you want to help him because you genuinely care. It is such a fine line between genuine help and control and I am going through that with a friend of a family member who is having issues during this trying covid time so can really empathize.

I wish you both much healing. And send positive thoughts your way. The fact you actually care about your bs makes you a rock star in my book.

posts: 783   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8620737
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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 7:58 PM on Wednesday, December 30th, 2020

Well, I am also one who now only posts, occasionally, and in spurts. And your story and progress, rekindles a lot of memories.

When I first read your posts on this thread, a week or so ago. My first reaction was to say, as one other poster in a long ago previous thread had stated that his wife had said....

6 words...'I broke it, I'll fix it'.. That appeared to be her 'go to' standard going forward.

Covid may have had a hand to play in this. There are probably other factors as well.

We all probably need a sounding board to bounce idea's off from.

Keep continuing to roll up your sleeves, and do the hard work necessary to both come out happy on the other side.

posts: 589   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8620766
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:36 AM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

DELETING/EDITING CONTENT: Please use the edit feature to make corrections or additions to your posts but do not use it to remove the entire contents of your post. SI.com does not delete entire threads unless absolutely necessary, even at the original Author's request. Members take time to show support and deleting them would be offensive to those that responded. Please be sure you're comfortable with your post before hitting the Send button.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6362   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8620804
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Let him eeyore it out if he needs to while you pooh bear it the fuck up and support him.

*saved to hard drive*

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2729   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8621228
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 10:18 PM on Friday, January 1st, 2021

Mrs. Walloped

I cannot add much to what (positive) stuff that has been posted.

Just posting to say I am rooting for you and Walloped.

Adding that a lot of posters are also irritated by conjecture filled posts.

I would take the post by GiggleLoopMayor and LostToOM and keep them in mind.

Somethings a man has to turn over what is in his mind before putting into words in a conversation or on paper. Adding to that is the weighing on whether the value of saying will be worth any accompanying negatives that may accompany the thought.

Remember when he came home with a package of chocolate for you? Think of doing something similar for him. - that does wonders for a person who really does care about the giver they have wronged.

I am hoping a warm following wind fills your sails in 2021!

Not Just Friends

posts: 557   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8621336
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GiggleLoopMayor ( new member #74900) posted at 6:23 PM on Thursday, January 7th, 2021

Not really wanting to resurrect a dead thread and hopefully you two are moving forward on a path of healing but a conversation with a coworker made me think of something you said. You mentioned that he stopped working out with this new job. If he gained some weight he could very well feel like your losing attraction to him. Again this is all speculation on the snippets i have. Youve mentioned how you had a hard believing his compliments, and it might be a reverse scenario now. If hes gaining weight or just stopped working out and lost the confidence from that he legitimately could feel unattractive to himself and you. Couple that with being exhausted and maybe hes worried hes letting you down. The out of shape overworking husband is the media stereotype for a BH, and since thats already happened in your case he might really take convincing that you find him attractive still if he doesnt find himself attractive. I know me confidence level.can fluctuate wildy when im working out or hit a slump.

Add in he might be embarassed thst you guys saw him so fragile and he mifht just be feeling really down on himself. Worst case scenario he could be feeling weak, out of shape and unnattractive, and thats a hard thing for most men to talk about in general, let alone to his FWW. Again all speculative and only meant in a helpful manner. I dont know what the specifics.of what youve been doing, but i did want to give me 2 cents that if what im saying has any merit, it might require more than just initiating sex to show desire. Reaffirming how strong and manly you find him, cementing his place as YOUR man, that you find damn sexy, it doesnt even need to lead to sex or whatever, sometimes guys just want to be complimented. I know you have been, but i mean this as different from reaffirming your love or thanking him.

It really does suck, hes like at epicenter of 5 different hurricanes hitting him at the same.time and youre in a coast guard chopper trying to keep a light on him. If anything you being here asking for advice shows your deep well of strength too. Please just try to remember that 100% of thiss isnt your fault. Sure some actions in the past might be making it worse but walloped really is processing something almost indescribable. Please be patient with him and especially yourself. If he wants to message me about it tell him hes free too, althiugh i get on sporadically. Take care.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2020
id 8622785
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 2:50 AM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021

Just wondering how Walloped is doing lately.

Any change?

Hope he is doing better

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:50 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8626626
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 1:27 PM on Sunday, January 24th, 2021

MrsWalloped saying that the affair would not have continued indefinitely is just plain bullshit and the kind of sociopathic manipulation that needs to be called out in a forum looking to help those who truly need help.

Yes, you would have continued it indefinitely. It was escalating. You were caught brazenly walking hand-in-hand with your boyfriend in broad daylight.

It was good fortune that you were caught because you are weak, just as all waywards are.

Laying bullshit on people here that you were always some intrinsically good person whose moral compass would have aligned over time is just plain spiteful lying, and it makes waywards here feel bad about themselves. Most, if not all, people in this forum need some serious help. Their compasses are broken, hopefully not permentantly. That only way to fix a sickness is to aknowleged a sickness.

You've conned people here because you're smart enough to give people what they want - a carefully-tended script that manipulates people into rooting for you.

To waywards following this -- you really fucked up and no amount of reconciliation porn is going to make it better for you. If you don't want to be a wayward anymore it's going to take years and year of pain and work.

... or you can con everyone, including your own husband, into the dream that you were always a good person. Yup. Not ONE thing has changed with her. She's always been in this for herself. The affair was just one type of attention, she's just looking for that in different ways now, repercussions for others be damned.

posts: 1717   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8627678
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Moderator #29447) posted at 2:07 PM on Sunday, January 24th, 2021

Sharkman, you have a pm.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14312   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8627680
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 3:23 PM on Sunday, January 24th, 2021

I’m not even going to address a particular poster but I am just at a loss as to how anyone here can presume to speak with authority and certainty as to a stranger’s heart, thoughts, motivations, etc. Why are any of us, on any thread or post, acting like that, ever?

There is a line between responding to a poster’s particular words in their actual post and jumping to conclusions that are baseless unless you live in their head and can see inside their mind.

JMHO and I apologize for the threadjack.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6315   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8627689
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 11:33 PM on Sunday, January 24th, 2021

I second this post:

I’m not even going to address a particular poster but I am just at a loss as to how anyone here can presume to speak with authority and certainty as to a stranger’s heart, thoughts, motivations, etc. Why are any of us, on any thread or post, acting like that, ever?

There is a line between responding to a poster’s particular words in their actual post and jumping to conclusions that are baseless unless you live in their head and can see inside their mind.

JMHO and I apologize for the threadjack.

well said and this sort of posting occurs in all the threads -

Not Just Friends

posts: 557   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8627775
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 1:04 AM on Monday, January 25th, 2021

I’m not sure if this is OK to post, but It’s been bothering me all day. After reading the above post condemning Mrs. Walloped, I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe. Where is this anger coming from? I’ve followed Walloped and Mrs. Walloped threads and, in my estimation, she is one of the best examples on SI of the WW doing the work and truly getting to the why’s while being supportive of her H as much as possible. I have a lot more to say, but I don’t think it would be appropriate.

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8627790
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:51 PM on Monday, January 25th, 2021

I am biting my tongue, but I want Mrs. Walloped to know I disagree with the above comments. I appreciate all I have learned from her, and so do many other WS. I respect the work that you have done over the years and for providing me a template in which I could discuss these matters here and with my husband.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8627880
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