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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 11:16 AM on Monday, August 31st, 2020

A place for the betrayed women to discuss issues specific to betrayed wives. We ask that women only post on this thread.

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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 1:14 PM on Monday, August 31st, 2020

Thanks for the new thread!

Legally separated, one more step.

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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:34 PM on Monday, August 31st, 2020

Good morning Womenz

After yesterday when I did nothing, I went to bed last night and said to myself I was going to wake up with a more positive attitude this morning. And I did. Didn't get to lounge around in bed as my cleaners arrived at 7.45 so had to be up and out by then. I've also realised that I've not been doing any meditation / self work the last few days so I made a point of doing at least 20 mins of that this morning before I started work.

He's still there in my mind, but it's more like "why would I want to be with him / think of him", rather than "why am I not enough?". I also wrote out some affirmations this morning...well, more things that I like about myself. I always thought those things were kinda cheesy, but you know what, they do help.

I'm also focusing on the fact that I am a GOOD person. I want to keep in touch with his kids, that's important to me - that makes me a good person. I bought gifts for his kids / family when I was in the UK because certain things reminded me of them, and I bought them with no ulterior motive - that was a nice, kind thing to do. I was able to be honest about a boundary with a friend yesterday - we'd arranged to do a FT, but I really really wasn't in the mood. In the past, I would have made an excuse but this time, I just told her. I was not in the headspace to talk to anyone, I just wanted to binge TV. She completely understood, and told me she was there whenever I needed her.

I'm still lonely. I still miss my family. But I don't feel despairing today. I can tell when my mood is better as I'm better able to focus on work. I don't procrastinate. Anyway, a more positive Monday.

TG - your support means a lot, I really appreciate the words that you wrote, I really really needed them at the time.

This is why I love this thread, everyone is so supportive. How is everyone doing today?

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 9:35 AM, August 31st, 2020 (Monday)]

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8581243
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:40 PM on Monday, August 31st, 2020

Oh, and I showered today. Definitely progress :-)

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8581249
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 7:36 PM on Monday, August 31st, 2020

Wow - we have a new page - Part 4!!!

OOL - definitely progress.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3322   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8581357
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:28 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

OOL! You showered!

I didn’t. I rolled out of bed, working in my pajamas until I went to run errands.

WH and I went to WDW for the weekend.

It was nice, but I still get the impression he lies to me.

Like he can’t help it

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2120   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8581530
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 4:17 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

I was wondering who would post first in Part 4.

OOL, keep it up. Believe it or not, you inspire me and others to keep moving forward.

It’s September 1st and the 1st day of Spring for me.

It’s amazing how something as simple as a shower, seems like hard work after Ddays. I am still contemplating drying my hair and then taking my dog out for a walk in the sunshine.

My WH has ordered a new Laptop. Argh! But I am not saying a word about it. Every other one he’s had, has been infected with porn viruses. Won’t take long for the new one to crash.

I too am getting in a better headspace. 12 months ago I was bounding out of bed at 5am for a workout and eating very healthy. I want that and my pre Ddays life back, starting today.

20, do the lies ever stop?

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 947   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8581546
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

But why isn’t he begging me for forgiveness? Am I not even worth that?

OOL this is from the last thread... but YES of course you are worth it. But to beg forgiveness, he would have to admit how badly he fucked up. And that involves a cranial rectal inversion that the asshat is just not capable of. TL;DR - it's not you it's him

Hallo there womenz! Today I am crabby as shit cus I had to come to the office which meant putting a bra on. My last day at old job is this Thursday so I have been in teams meetings training people on my shit for the last week. So much peopleing. Ew.

Hope all you fabulous gals are having a good day!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3201   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8581798
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:20 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

LadyG,

I get the impression that lying doesn’t seem like such a bad thing to Waywards.

I don’t understand it

It seems like so much WORK to keep track of the story details of a lie.

Isn’t remembering the truth easier?

Besides, today I was thinking about some of the things WH has accused ME of over the years.

He accused me of needing to diagnose him with something to make sense of what he did/does

I think I do that because I want there to be something that explains it to me

Just knowing he would choose to fuck us over over some stupid desire to put his dick the n ugly women astounds me.

Then he gets mad that I think his OW choices were so poor.

Then I remind him that they’d have to be ugly to play along with his evil games

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2120   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8581868
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 11:23 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Then he gets mad that I think his OW choices were so poor.

Then I remind him that they’d have to be ugly to play along with his evil games

the WH is so sensitive about this. His mother accidentally met exAP for 2 whole minutes and all the exMIL could remember about that encounter was how ugly OW was, she described her as a faceless giant nose and that she wiggled her fat arse as she turned to walk away.

MIL is 80 but almost fainted that her one and only child traded down for anal sex.

Yep, when MIL described the fat wiggly arse I told her to picture her son with his dick up that fat arse. The old dear thought oral sex was an abomination.

Oh, well I hope all the pills WH and MIL are on helps block the nightmares.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 947   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8581887
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:46 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Haha!

At work today, I did an educational course on character strengths:

Poor, dumb WH

Is it possible Waywards are developmentally disabled?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2120   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8582784
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:51 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

@20 - so interesting you ask this. Post discovery, one of the things I said to my xWBF was I couldn't believe someone so intelligent was making such a dumb decision. I mean logically, it was so dumb as to defy belief. His response was that he may be intelligent but he's not emotionally intelligent.

Not sure if that was a cop out for his behavior or an insight into his own character.

Either way there was definitely something lacking in him.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8582789
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:43 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

OOL!

WH used this on me too!

Low emotional IQ

I call it Bullshit

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2120   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8582946
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 11:27 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Is it possible Waywards are developmentally disabled?

Yes. WH was keeping company with a bunch of losers. People who couldn’t complete a sentence without stopping to check themselves out and post a selfie first.

I asked WH this question when we were on speaking terms “How did it feel to be the smartest person in the room?”

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 947   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8583082
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 12:30 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

he may be intelligent but he's not emotionally intelligent.

I actually believe this is possible. Think about it - Stephen Hawking, whom many view as one of the smartest people in generations, was a cheater.

I think those who live by the book "smarts" are covering for some serious emotional "dumbness".

So, post dday, I kind of wonder about those who live/breathe on being the smartest person in the room.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

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id 8583121
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 3:19 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

I think those who live by the book "smarts" are covering for some serious emotional "dumbness".

THIS^^^ When I date again, I'll be looking for EQ, not IQ.

Hi ladies! Happy Friday, the 188th day of March! No, but really though, how is it already September? What in the actual fuck?

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 832   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8583317
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:01 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Happy March 188!

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3322   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8583364
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 4:31 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Happy March 188!

Ha, yes! I feel like I have officially forgotten how to interact with people in a normal way. I get so over excited to be in the presence of non-family members that I am oversharing with everyone I run into...

I feel like COVID is a double hit to us infidelity survivors. Lost our sense of "normal" after the A, and now whatever was left over is all fucked up too...we need a break UNIVERSE!

Glad it's Friday and a long weekend is ahead with kids going back F2F (every other day) next week. I cannot wait to have them back in school. The mental health situation with all of us is not the greatest. Summer in August heat = Barely any outdoor time = Too much screen time = teenagers in bad moods = Mom hiding with cocktails by 5. (And mom gave up on screen time limits back in May, though they are back a bit now that online school is happening.)

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 986   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8583400
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 5:37 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

@TX - my admiration has known no bounds for parents at this time, I don't know how you have all coped with pandemic / homeschooling / social distancing etc. You all get my kudos.

@GMC -

I think those who live by the book "smarts" are covering for some serious emotional "dumbness"

Amen to this. Your reference to Stephen Hawking definitely resonates. Arguably one of the cleverest people on the planet, yet he still chose to cheat.

I dreamt about the cheating douchebag last night. It was one of those dreams that felt so friggin' real. Very long and convoluted but the nuts and bolts is that he was still with the AP, and he'd just been on a trip with her (she herself wasn't in the dream). I once said to him that if he ever slept with her, there was never any recovery for us. So I took this trip to mean they had finally done that. So the path back to each other was well and truly blocked. I was devastated in the dream and I woke up with that same feeling of devastation. It's still sitting with me at the moment, although I'm trying to distract myself.

I have plans for the long weekend which I am looking forward to very much, but I also feel a lowkey sense of dread. Long weekends were usually our time. His ex always had the kids if a holiday fell on a Monday, so we had a couple of kid-free days, which were few and far between. We would likely have gone somewhere or done something fun (all organized by me, mind you, he never organized anything), especially as the weather is gorgeous here. I also feel loneliest at the weekends. At least during the week, I connect with my work colleagues all day and I know everyone else is working from home. At the weekend, I just feel more isolated.

I miss him today. I haven't missed "him" as such in a few weeks. I've missed the companionship, I've missed the comfort, I've missed the kids, but I haven't missed him. I've looked at a photo of him recently, but I didn't really feel anything.

I know it's the dream and it's lingering impacts on my emotions, but today I miss him. I don't want him back, I can't ever imagine a scenario where I would take him back. But I miss my friend. I miss my partner. I miss the intimacy. I miss what we had. I missed the man I thought I knew. I wish that man hadn't disappeared.

Once again, having had a pretty good week, I have to pick up my bootstraps and work through the sadness.

Hope everyone has some fun plans for the long weekend.

Is March over with yet???

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 11:38 AM, September 4th, 2020 (Friday)]

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8583446
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 11:45 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Went for a bike ride after work. Put on some tunes when I got back and have been bopping around the kitchen while waiting for my friend to arrive for movie night.

Definitely feeling better. As one poster commented on one of my posts a while ago, tonight, while in my post-ride shower, I washed him out of my hair.

He does not deserve all of this awesomeness. Not one single bit.

💃🏻💃🏻

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8583633
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