I've been absent for a bit. Well, I still read everyday, but refrain from posting. I was ruminating a little too hard on my posts, reading and re-reading, letting my perfectionism get the best of me. Partly because all of "those" threads lately have been triggering for me, and I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and being lambasted for it.
I know we're not supposed to mention threads outside of their original location, but I think that it would be very hard for me to convey to you guys what I'm feeling in this particular moment without mentioning where these feelings are coming from, so I hope that the powers that be are able to see that this is part of a healing discussion.
I do think they have been helpful in digging up some painful stuff that needed to be addressed with my IC. Shocker, I've got some issues with my Dad that I need to work out.
Also still have a bunch of residual stuff from the sex addict XH. Trying really hard to stay on the positive self-talk track where I remind myself that his behavior wasn't my fault. It has not been easy lately. Found out some stuff via DD20's outcry in December that was basically like a new DDay.
I won't get into all of the details just yet, I haven't even brought them up with IC yet, I'm still trying to wrap my head around some of it. I honestly feel like there is not enough time in the day to process everything. I go into IC with one thing on my mind, and we end up discussing something completely different, and don't even touch on the things I originally wanted to. It's natural and conversational, I get why it flows where it does. I guess there's just so much un-mined territory to go through. I really wish I had health insurance, I would check myself into something inpatient.
I'm doing my best to support DD20 right now, and have been trying to keep my responses to myself so as not to re traumatize her. Can't say I'm all that shocked by the new revelations, they were more-so confirmations of some of my worst fears, but they seem to have knocked me back into some of the earlier days of my trauma response. More difficulty eating (not throwing up, thank the universe), difficulty sleeping, nightmares have come back. More triggers, especially music related. And anything relating to sex.
I can't seem to help but get sucked into "those" threads. Maybe that is me trying to press on the bruise a little bit? I've given up on posting replies, though I appreciate those of you who are stronger than I am right now and are able to reply.
Tonight has been one of those triggery nights though. Have been a ball of snot for a few hours, with 10 second spurts of hyper-ventilation thrown in every once in a while for good measure.
Feeling like I'm not worth a damn thing unless I agree to be a sex vending machine. I mean, that's all we're good for, right? Every other thing I brought to the table as a partner can be outsourced to someone or something else - name anything, there's probably an app for it! If I don't volunteer to give up all of my orifices well there are OWs, and apps to procure OWs, and toys, and porn, and cam girls, and all sorts of other things just waiting to take my place.
Feeling like just an assortment of holes. After all, my resistance to perform sexually with my husband after discovering all of his issues was my fault... I had sold him on a relationship with me through "false advertising" because we used to have so much sex back when I trusted him, and then shockingly had less sex when he proved how untrustworthy he was. Funny how I was able to see my XH as a human being, not as a walking, talking pleasure machine to make me feel better about how fucked up he acted towards me.
Feeling like damaged goods. Will I ever be able to have sex again without wondering if the person I'm having it with has been lying through their teeth to get it? Because they "deserve" it, because they were nice to me. Or, if we're in a relationship, because if I don't do it, then I'm just his sister. Because I most definitely hold my brothers in my arms and play with their hair as we're falling asleep, yeah, that's such a sisterly thing to do, sex is the ONLY thing that separates that relationship, right?
Speaking of being held - it's literally all I want, and yet I can't imagine trusting anyone to do it ever again. The thought of laying in bed with someone is simultaneously all-consuming and vomit-inducing.
Feeling past the point of redemption... my biological clock is ticking, yet I'm nowhere near emotionally or financially ready to have a child because of this mess. I'm going to spend years digging myself out of a financial hole, so IVF and adoption are off the table until that shit is sorted out, and by then I'll be infertile anyway. And given how fucked up my picker is, I don't trust myself to have sex with anyone anytime soon, let alone with the goal of getting pregnant.
Oh, and when it comes to my step (hate that word, but using it for clarity) daughters, DD20 is in an emotionally abusive relationship with a carbon copy of her fucking father, so she sends BF pictures of us to prove that she's hanging out with me, her fucking mom!!!, and DD18 won't talk to me because she is scared of how Methhead McSexAddict will react.
On the bright side, my therapist thinks Methhead McSexAddict is a hilariously funny name for XH, so at least I still have my wit
Hugs to all of you. I want to respond to each of you individually. I literally respond in my head as I read, but then I don't post. I'm just... overwhelmed. I wish we could all go out to coffee together somewhere. I think in many ways I can handle conversation better than writing things out lately.
I am thinking of each of you. I'm just not in a good place right now. If only posts could be written telepathically!
ETA: A very merry un-welcome to our new members! I say un-welcome, because nobody wants to join this club, we're just forced to. I normally try to greet you newbies with some advice and a pat on the back, but HHADL just doesn't have it in her tonight.
[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 3:06 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]