Newest Member: Dazedandconfused1978

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread

Topic is Sleeping.
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Newbeginnings24 ( member #71510) posted at 8:46 AM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

Yeah I can hear you 20yrsagoBS. Think everything that’s connected to DDay and betrayal creeps in now and again. Nice little reminders that you just want to erase from your memory. I don’t necessarily try and spot cheaters, just every couple and family unit to me looks perfect. Which is impossible but just my stupid mind torturing myself.

I’m not sure how we stop this. I suppose dealing with the issue head on and being around couples and families to know that actually everything doesn’t contain cheaters or endless happiness. Having faith in what could be. But then again we now have the ability to have strict boundaries that should help us in the future to sift out the shit and prevent further betrayal.

NB x

DDay....it doesn’t matter, it’s in the past!

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness - Katherine Henson.

Walk out of that door and don’t look back!

posts: 197   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8465928
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 12:09 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

I do it too. And newly married people. Yeah. My thought is always, I wonder which one will cheat?

I have never been one who enjoys getting oogled or any of the other stuff men do. I definitely do not get ego kibbles from that. Makes me really uncomfortable. And I'm a hottie, so it happens a lot. The way some of these guys look at me when they are with their SO,and I feel them staring, my first thought is always, yeah. That one cheats.

Whatever. I'll just stay home with my dogs. I like them so much better than people!

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8465941
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 1:05 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

LH, thank you. It feels great to feel hope and healing but I also then I will feel guilty or scared to be so happy. I’m working on letting myself enjoy the happy times. Not to focus on the hard times and the past. It’s all such a mindfuck.

Coco, how have you being doing with him away all week?

Post DDay, does it feel like everything is tainted with the shit of infidelity?

Yes, I definitely have those feelings. I can somehow make almost everything relate to it. But at the same time I think it’s normal to do that with anything that occupies your life at the moment. If we were dealing with a health issue like cancer, i would wonder if strangers i see on the street were dealing with cancer too. kwim?

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8465949
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 3:58 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

Yes, 20yrs, everything is tainted now. For me, it's more everything that was my relationship with my fch, not external things. I do wonder about cheating in other relationships, but it's mostly a fleeting thought. I am suspicious with my single friends who meet new guys. I want to verify that the guys are single and not full of shit.

Daisy, I've been good. Fch got home Friday. We had a little blip one day. I texted him a few times in the late afternoon evening. He didn't answer, which was nbd because I knew he was still working. But, 9:30 p.m. rolled around and he still hadn't answered me. I texted a few more times saying, "wtf?" Still no answer. I tried Facebook video calling. No answer. I tried calling both of his phones. No answer. I read him the riot act in a text.

He immediately texted the next morning apologizing and explaining what happened. I wasn't worried that he was cheating. I was pissed that I couldn't reach him. What if there had been an emergency?

The thing is that I don't really care that much. I don't care enough to worry about whether or not he's cheating. He has plenty of opportunity if he really wants to. I don't think he is. If he is or does, I'll find out eventually. So, I'm back to looking at it the same way I did before he cheated. It's whatever.

I can't remember if I told you all that, after the last free yoga class I taught, the owner of the studio said she was going to put me on the regular rotation for a regular, paid class. So, I kind of have a paying job now! In the meantime, she asked me to sub teach one class, which I did, and another teacher asked me last night to sub for her next Saturday. Looks like this dream might be coming to fruition. It only took 3 years. ☺️

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8465997
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 4:03 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

Forgot to say, having everything tainted by infidelity isn't the same, for me, as knowing someone with cancer. My mom died from cancer in 2015. My dad currently has prostate cancer. I have a friend who needs a 3rd lung transplant. I don't wonder if everyone else is sick.

It is similar to knowing someone who is an alcoholic. I now look at people who appear to drink excessively, like my stepsister and her husband, and think they are probably alcoholics. I wonder about friends who post on Facebook regularly about going out to bars and drinking and about alcoholic drinks and such.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8466003
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 5:40 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

Coco, I would have reacted the same way if he wasn't answering texts/calls. I worried before I knew about the cheating. Not if he was cheating, but just worried that he didn't crash into a ditch or something. I am just a worrier by nature.

As far as I relating it to cancer, I just meant that you never know what is going on in people's lives. Right now infidelity is on my brain, so I wonder if the stranger walking down the street is cheating on his wife. Just like if cancer was a huge part of my life at this moment, I would wonder if they were dealing with cancer in their life too.

Although now whenever I hear about a couple breaking up or divorcing, I do immediately think most likely someone must have cheated.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8466028
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 6:47 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

Congrats coco. That’s great news about teaching!

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8466060
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 1:03 AM on Monday, November 11th, 2019

Thanks, LH!

Hm...I wasn't worried about fch at all. I was just pissed that he wasn't available when I wanted him. I've always been like that, too. Pretty selfish on my part.

I got my biofield tuned yesterday. It was interesting. The woman took tuning forks, found the outside edge of my biofield and slowly worked inward toward me working on discharging disturbances as she came to them. I'm a skeptic, so I don't completely believe that shit. But, it was free and certainly can't hurt, so why not?

The interesting part was that the only things she knew about me were my name and age. She picked up disturbances in my biofield that corresponded to significant occurrences in my life. Some that were only associated with my mom, she only picked up on my feminine, mon side, and some only associated with my dad picked up on my masculine, dad side. One thing that was associated with both, she picked up on both sides. I didn't tell her about any of those occurrences. I didn't even tell her I had anything traumatic from my past. She did not pick up on anything around dday 1 or 2 at the last few years of R.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8466221
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2019

Coco I had one those done for my office. I could feel a difference for awhile. Then nothing. But it was interesting experience.

Oh joy, I’m not riddled with sadness today. What a relief. Nice to have a break from the shit.

Happy Monday ladies.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8466400
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2019

Yes EVERYTHING is now tainted by his cheating. And I do mean everything at work and at home and in my social life (where nearly all of my friends are clueless about why we are S).

Just read something sisoon posted about CoD and AoS. It made a lot of sense to me. Basically, my fch stopping the AoS is a kind of counter-dependence, like the opposite of CoD, but still CoD. Makes sense why it doesn't feel right to me.

And, after pur discussion about disliking throwing around the CoD label on all the BPs, I'm on the other forums slapping it on everyone

LOL. I'm gonna try and find that post from Sissoon.

And on the SI front, I about lost it yesterday am reading some thread. Some BS saying something about "not fair". I nearly threw my tablet into the wall. I can't tell if I'm glad (or not) that I decided not to post, but ultimately decided it just wasn't worth the energy to point out bullshit to someone who touts themselves as 'successfully' R'd.

I don't think we will R - there's no point in trying bc he's not gonna be "R material", but even if we were, the concept of "fair" for him will not be even remotely close to my vocabulary until a ton of shit happens on his side of the street.

sheesh - these liars talking about fairness? Really? I guess their BS have more grace than I will ever possess.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8466562
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:04 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2019

I swear, the more I learn about infidelity and infidelity-related trauma, the more I am convinced that R is just not possible.

***I am adding a caveat here that this is just the rambling words of one cynical bitch and I hold no judgement whatsoever for you gals that are currently in or attempting R***

My counselor asked me that in our last session when I was ironically lamenting the unfairness of this shit... She said "So in a perfect world, what could he say that would make you forgive him and let him come back?" I didn't even think about it but just blurted out, "Not one fucking thing." I feel like that 10 second interaction helped me turn some kind of corner in ma brainz.... Cus that's the damn truth. There is nothing he could ever say or do that would even come close to atoning for anything.

Tho dishing out a KITD would probably be rather therapeutic.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8466567
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 9:40 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2019

Well, yeah, Ellie. There isn't any one thing that any CP could say that would magically fix everything. I don't know if I'm not reading your post correctly or maybe you simplified the exchange, but that seems like a very simplistic view for your therapist to take.

R takes a lot of hard for the rest of the cheater's life. I expect my fch to be always and forever making sure that he is not being wayward. But, nothing he could say or do would make it fair, just like family members of murder victims who say the execution of the murderer doesn't make it fair. I think the closest you could come to fair would be to have a RA. Fair doesn't mean better, though.

I do believe R is possible. It's certainly not easy and is probably a UK items rare. But, it is possible.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8466579
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:50 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2019

For me, R is not possible. I know that about myself. BUT I also had a douchehole that refused to own his shit, so I appreciate that my view is distorted by that... If I had a WH that was remorseful and sincere and doing all the 'right' R things??? I don't know - maybe I'd feel differently.

I don't think she was trying to be simplistic - I have been going round in circles about the unfairness, and about how do I move on. I dunno, it just helped me putting it baldly like that; to know that NO there is not one damn thing he could ever say/do that would help at this point. Hard to explain, but it just feels like something came unstuck (?) a little.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8466583
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marji ( member #49356) posted at 10:56 PM on Monday, November 11th, 2019

Ellie, no one tries to be simplistic but that question was simplistic; as cocoplus says, it takes a life time and that's with a partner who is doing everything possible to change into a good and decent man. It's about a life long process-not a something said or done.

It's never about someone saying or doing something right-not any particular moment, not for a week, a month, or a day but a lifetime and then only when he is doing everything and anything possible to change into a good and trustworthy person.

I've been attending a support group for four years now; several of the women have been attending for 10 or 15 years; their husbands go to support groups, work with ICs and daily do whatever they can to make amends and to become partners who are worthy of trust and affection-worthy of a relationship. These women now, after so many years, including the four that I've known them, say their partners are good and that they feel they made the right decision.

Great if that question helped you to reach a sense of clarity but there is never a one thing, a particular thing that should make us feel different. All we can do is work on ourselves, work to become healthy and strong so that we can decide what we really want.

posts: 2230   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2015   ·   location: NYC
id 8466607
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 12:28 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2019

OK I can see where you think it was 'simplistic' with that filter, but it wasn't simplistic. There's weeks worth of sessions behind that question and my answer to it.

And I know there isn't just one thing. But helped me to know there is NOTHING that he can do to unfuck this. That realization is important for me and for my healing process. I am working on me and working on my shit, but sometimes a simple truth helps focus stuff that has been fuzzy for a while for me. I get that life is shades of gray, but somethings for me are simply black and white - I get lost in the nuances and tiny details and fail to look at the whole picture. My therapist knows that and is good at delivering questions to me that help the bigger picture become clearer.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8466656
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 12:39 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2019

Big hugs Ellie. It’s such a complicated topic. Hurray on turning the corner.

Sending you a bedazzled soft serve t shirt.

Well my young hard serve ice cream cone keeps trying to impress me. Asked me out on another date. Said no. Told me he’s not giving up. Lol. I wish I had some his energy. At 51 I’m too old to give a shit to make things work. Unless he travels 2.5 hours and serves me at my apartment- I’m not traveling for sex. God I’m old. BOB does me fine. Plus he doesn’t talk.

Had a fourth date with peter. Hes very sweet. A nice distraction from mr soft serve.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8466661
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:48 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2019

BUT I also had a douchehole that refused to own his shit, so I appreciate that my view is distorted by that... If I had a WH that was remorseful and sincere and doing all the 'right' R things??? I don't know - maybe I'd feel differently.

Same (((EllieKMAS))) I really did want R badly. Every time someone told me my WS was not remorseful was like another stab to my heart, but I saw it eventually.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8466666
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AmIAnIdiot15 ( member #71023) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2019

I'm so far behind!

Coco+, I'm so excited for you to be able to teach! I can feel how much you love yoga from your posts. I'm sure you're a great teacher.

BBE - I hope you're safe. Check in when you can. I think of you often.

As far as R being possible or not.. I have one of the "easy" situations in our group I think. My husband screwed up twice, and ended it before I even found out. (I think. I hope. Maybe. Who knows, right? Unless Ellie goes out to spy on him!) I was able to read a brief history of their relationship because he didn't set his Snapchat to delete messages. I watched him initially say he was married and that was never going to change but it was "fun and exciting" to flirt a little. And then, when they finally had sex, he ended it the next day. He, of course, hoped that I'd never find out. But I could FEEL it. So I pushed and dug until I found it.

Anyways. Even in my situation, R is freaking hard. He is kind and loving and remorseful without being over the top. And it's still so, so hard!

posts: 81   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2019   ·   location: CO
id 8466681
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 1:13 PM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2019

R takes a lot of hard for the rest of the cheater's life. I expect my fch to be always and forever making sure that he is not being wayward. But, nothing he could say or do would make it fair, just like family members of murder victims who say the execution of the murderer doesn't make it fair.

I do believe R is possible. It's certainly not easy and is probably a UK items rare. But, it is possible.

I agree with all of this. It is something the cheater has to live with for the rest of his life. It will never go away. It will always be there. But he can learn from it and grow from it. As long as that happens, R is possible.

For me, R is not possible. I know that about myself. BUT I also had a douchehole that refused to own his shit, so I appreciate that my view is distorted by that... If I had a WH that was remorseful and sincere and doing all the 'right' R things??? I don't know - maybe I'd feel differently.

You see, that makes it a completely different situation. R would not be possible for me either if I had to deal with a douchehole who would not take responsibility for what he has done.

As far as R being possible or not.. I have one of the "easy" situations in our group I think. My husband screwed up twice, and ended it before I even found out.

Anyways. Even in my situation, R is freaking hard. He is kind and loving and remorseful without being over the top. And it's still so, so hard!

Mine also ended it before I even found out. To me, it makes it just a tiny bit easier for me to be in R because of that. He didn't end it just because he got caught. He wanted to end it because he realized he was wrong and in our case, he realized she was a complete psycho. Mine is also loving and remorseful without being over the top or "fake". Even with that, R is so incredibly hard and such a rollercoaster.

Bottom line, infidelity sucks no matter what your situation is.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8466801
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:21 PM on Tuesday, November 12th, 2019

Catching up here. But yes. TAINTED. A word I've said more since DDay1 than I ever have before.

It is like that old 80s TV show - Tales from the Dark side. Here's an excerpt from Wiki. It describes perfectly how I view life post infidelity.

The opening/closing theme to the series was performed by Donald Rubinstein, who co-wrote the theme with Erica Lindsay. George Romero wrote the voice-over narration.

As in the case of The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits, the series begins each episode with a montage of images — in this case, several shots of a forest and countryside that fade to a negative image as the title appears — accompanied by Paul Sparer's foreboding voice-over:

"Man lives in the sunlit world of what he believes to be reality.

But...there is, unseen by most, an underworld, a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit...a dark side."

Each episode ended with a second voice-over, likewise provided by Sparer, over the closing credits:

"The dark side is always there, waiting for us to enter — waiting to enter us. Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight."

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8466808
Topic is Sleeping.
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