SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

coco - LOL on the LL.

Me, WH, and IC were all shocked as shizzle when quality time was his #1 LL. AoS was distant #2, followed by physical touch & words of Aff all 1 point apart. Gifts was a distant #5). So, for a man who spent his life doing AofS, to have it be a distant #2 on his LL was an eye opener.

Maybe all those times I thought he was expressing his LL, he was actually being CoD.

That is absolutely how I see it today. A CoD way of expressing his own lack of self worth and screaming to the world "love me, love me, love me". It sure as shit worked on me. The problem comes in when the love given in response to AoS still doesn't fill the internal void. They ramp 'em up (or at least mine did) along with some serious fucking resentment that they still feel unloved despite it all. I think this has been my WH's MO his entire life. Something about me/us seemed to quiet it .... but not "really" and certainly not for long.

Did he love me then or now? Who the fuck knows anymore- right? Your comment sent my mind directly to the old Haddaway song "what is love [baby don't hurt me]", right with the SNL Roxberry guys shakin their heads at the disco.... I don't think I have a clue anymore what "love" is, other than a word that people say while acting in ways that say anything but.

Ick,

WH never looked for his LL. despite my requests.

Funny thing is, now, he WANTS to share his schedule, his day, his plans, with ME. Like he has developed this sudden need for the very intimacy he denied me.

I’ve detached, so try not to be physically present for him to indulge.

When he bitches, Soft Serve is shocked to learn that I feel I invested enough already and am not motivated to keep trying.

Then he gets sad. Poor whittle thing

I'm just popping in here to say OMG those Team KITD shirts!!!!! I want mine to have CHAOS bedazzled on the back of it.

Soooo much to reply to. I've been reading along on little breaks or before falling asleep. Lots to say about CoD vs. Trauma Bonding vs. AoS and all the various LLs. And the ebb and flow of SI. Oh and, of course, Happy Birthday HB!

But I'm on a flight to NYC for work right now, I just flooded and started crying, and I felt an overwhelming need to check in. Is this what addicts feel like when they need a meeting?

Hello, my name is HHADL, and I am a doucheaholic... No but seriously, I'm only 1% joking about that...

My first antiversary was Sunday and I feel like I've been working so much that I didn't have time to process it... so now when I'm stuck on a flight with just my thoughts, no ability to answer work emails or texts, and my internet access won't allow me on almost any site except for SI, here I find myself.

I hate feeling this way... I hate that I just start crying at the drop of a hat, for completely inexplicable reasons. Does/did anyone else still have that at a year out?

HHADL,

I'm sorry your antiversary was hard. They hurt. I have a full on season that stretches 4 months... I hope you can find some comfort this weekend.

Cry at a drop of the hat ?- I'm 1.5 yrs out and I'd say I do cry, panic, freak/ anxiety, go cold, tune out regularly. Reactions depend on where I am and what I am doing. Totally understandable.

And I think totally normal for this mess.

Gals, what are these LL's... Can someone shed some light. is there a test? How do you know? I have no idea what mine is even....

thx

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:36 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Thanks to everyone who wished me a HB. Is it weird that the Happy Birthday is the same as my handle initials….lol

I have had a great day so far. My new staff (only been at this location for a week) got me flowers, cake and cards. My husband stopped by and brought me to get lunch and we ate together and talked. Lots of love through texts and fb. The kids are baking me a cake and making me dinner now. I couldn't have asked for more on this day.

I hate that I just start crying at the drop of a hat, for completely inexplicable reasons. Does/did anyone else still have that at a year out?

ummm hell yeah! I'm having my own pity party today (is this whatever retrograde thing Coco was talking about?)

TallGirl, the LL are the five love languages. It's a book with a questionnaire. Our IC just gave us copies of the test pages and then I got the book from the library.

The gist is that we may show (or speak) our love in a language the recipient doesn't really 'speak' or understand. So say that your #1 is Quality Time. That's your #1 'language' and you probably speak it and want it spoken to you. But if your partner's is gifts (he wants to give and receive), which is your #4 (of 5). So when he gives you a gift but you really wanted a date to the concert, the messages cross. Once the couple know their respective languages, they can try to speak it to the other, and be more attuned to receiving (so when he sends you flowers, you have a sense that he's saying I love you, even if not in the language that you hear it best). Make sense?

HHADL - Our ddays are damn close. My 1 year dday 1 anniversary is today. Sending you so many hugs!

Chaos I shall bedazzle your shirt to fuck my dear.

Yeah so today was a shit day anyways, but can I just say there is a special circle reserved in hell for people that drive up the parking garage at less than 2mph? I was like the angry guy in Inside Out before I even got in the door at work this morning. Sigh. And my boss (who I adore on normal days) pissed me right off. Yeah, I tried my best to just head down and stfu today. Went to dinner with my favorite angry friend and had a good solid 1/2 hr cry on the way home, and now hangin with my wuppers with no bra on, so doing a little better.

C+5N - I will put a coconut on your shirt ok? Or any fruit of your choosing! Me? I identify with pineapples - my hair looks just like that when I wake up, I am rough on the outside, and sweet and golden on the inside. Swingers can suck my ass.

Pretty sure my xdouchehole's LL was "diaper wearing toddler throwing tantrum at the toy store". Is that one of them? Obvs he has been a lot on my mind today unfortunately, but you know what? Trying real hard not to rewrite, but he really wasn't ever good at displaying love for me... pretty sad I bought that shit for as long as I did.

I knew I forgot something!

Happy birthday, HB! 🎉

Ellie - THANK YOU for the BDAF [bedazzle as fuck] of my shirt.

And...while I should know better...and caution newbies on this... I was drinking coffee when I read this:

Pretty sure my xdouchehole's LL was "diaper wearing toddler throwing tantrum at the toy store"

Coconuts work for me!

I'm thinking I need to get my fch to take the LL quiz again. His 2ndary LL was gifts. That one drives me crazy! Such a waste of money, and I don't want more crap.

My primary LL is quality time. My 2ndary is physical touch.

The 5 are:

Quality Time

Physical Touch (not sex)

Acts of Service

Gifts

And, I always forget the 5th one.

NC Crystal Coast includes Emerald Isle and Atlantic Beach. It's kind of in between Morehead City and Jacksonville. Wilmington is probably about 1.5-2 hours south of it.

Memorial Day weekend is going to be insane everywhere. It's also usually around my fch's birthday, May 30. I'd rather not travel then. I don't need a federal holiday weekend. But, please, don't plan anything with me in mind. I'm not fully committed. Plan what is best for everyone who is definitely in and I'll see if I can swing it.

Money is going to be really tight for us. My 12yo was selected to go on a trip to England with his school this summer! It's going to cost around 4K. I don't know how we're going to pay for it, but we will.

Hi all. Big hugs to y'all going thru your antiversary. I actually told my cheater that I would only celebrate our anniversary on August 8. The day we both knew what our marriage is.

Oy vey y'all! I am in just a shit ton of pain today. It kept me up all night. I thought it was just scar tissue, but the pain is migrating up, too. Ugh. My innards are a giant pain. I never know what to ignore, and what not to. Pain is just a way of life for me, so I ignore a lot.

I hate weekends. I don't know why. Just do. I guess its because it messes with routine. Who knows. Anyhoo...hope y'all are having a good morning!

((SOS)) Pain sucks! I'm in pain right now. Was debating on whether or not to call my doc. Then, I got a reminder that I have an appointment with her today. Perfect timing! I need to make a list of everything I want to discuss with her. It's a lot, and I'll forget if I don't write it down.

Just read something sisoon posted about CoD and AoS. It made a lot of sense to me. Basically, my fch stopping the AoS is a kind of counter-dependence, like the opposite of CoD, but still CoD. Makes sense why it doesn't feel right to me.

And, after pur discussion about disliking throwing around the CoD label on all the BPs, I'm on the other forums slapping it on everyone.

Coco!

I love you! You’re a shit stirrer like me!

Oh wait, EH says I am “controlling”

Well, be it controlling or shit stirring, you’re awesome!

Hi ladies. Hope y'all have a good weekend.

My goal is to stay busy and off SI. Not gonna lie, every time there is a new "I love my AP" thread, it screws me up bad. I just wish every one of those bitches would burn in a fiery pit of hell.

I have some Christmas fabric, so I think I'll start cutting out a rag quilt. Have I mentioned I am not a good seamstress? Sewing stresses me out. Lol. But I have to focus.

Wish me luck. I am quite a mess today.

Well, I'm not trying to stir the shit. But, I do try to say it like I see it. One of my pet peeves is reading about a BP who is twisting herself in knots trying to make her CH be remorseful R material. I loathe to see a BP compromise herself like that.

Doc says I'm healthy. She's going to check all my hormone levels in addition to the regular bloodwork because of my steady weight gain in spite of increased exercise and healthy eating. Apparently, I grew an inch! I am now 5'1"!

She gave me an order for a colonoscopy. 😕 At least, I don't have to get it done until after I'm 50.

So that's what happened to the inch I lost! Lol.

Glad you're healthy! That isn't something I'll ever take for granted.

I am on thyroid meds. Like the rest of my innards, it doesn't function properly. Lol. I guess I shouldn't bitch. The rest of those mother effers will revolt and need to be removed too!

Good morning ladies.

Just caught up on the thread. I’m in for a trip. I’m in for t shirts. I think a soft serve ice cream cone could be our symbol.

Well, nov 7th marked my two month DD. I actually had a good day. Barely thought about mr soft serve. It was a relief to see a light at end of tunnel.

Of course next day, back to feeling sad.

SOS - I was jealous of your flowers...I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ve had to chase after douchebag to get my belongs back. He has a birthday gift for me (my b-day is next Friday) and wants to give it in person. Sigh. It feels like a gift to make his guilt less intense. He’s telling me he really loves me - sorry don’t believe it.

Now, I’m struggling again to keep myself grounded. Badly triggered. Oh joy the gift cheaters give us.

Anyhoo, I’ve been staying away from SI because I realize I’m getting triggered by the other posts. This thread doesn’t trigger me, but I realize I need to stop reading the other threads. It’s not serving me.

Ellie - you are too funny. You lightening up the shit in this crap.

Daisy - so happy to read about your beautiful experience with H. That’s such a big deal. Big happy hugs.

HeHad - I wish I knew you were in NY. I live 60 miles north of the city and can easily grab a train to get in. We could have met up. If you have any free time PM me.

Post DDay, does it feel like everything is tainted with the shit of infidelity?

It feels like that to me.

I feel ya 20yobs... I was out running errands today and more than once looked at couples out wandering about and wondered which one of them was cheating.

I am hoping that gets better with time cus it is not really how I want to feel/think long term.

Plus, my shitbag xh doesn't get to own that real estate in my head forever. Fuck that noise.