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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread

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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 2:55 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Somber, welcome to the group. I am also working on R with my WH who had a 2 LTA with a psycho who can't take no for an answer so she went on to stalk my WH and harass me with "anonymous" letters in the fucking mail. I do blame for WH for his part. Throughout the 2 years he would break it off with her and then a month or two later she would contact him and they would meet somewhere again. The stalking/harassing came when he finally wised up and wasn't nice about it and told her to fuck off.

TX, I love your plan! We are sort of doing that. He hasn't worn his wedding ring in 4 years due to it being uncomfortable. And obviously other reasons. We bought him one of those comfy silicone rings and he has been wearing it 24/7. If our R goes well, we will eventually renew our vows to "bless" this ring. If we do, nothing fancy at all. Just us, our kids and a family member we may ask to get ordained over the internet. Just another way to "start fresh".

LH, stay strong! I proud of you for the NC!

I'm doing OK. This week hasn't been the best but hasn't been the worst either. Just getting by.

The other night I was looking through my "On This Day" feature on Facebook. I showed with a picture of our family at a restaurant, looking so happy. Then I start to tear up. He asks me why and I told him how it just fucking sucks how now when I look at photos during the time of his LTA I first think to myself "was he just with her?". He held me and said he understands. It just fucking sucks.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8453014
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:01 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Yes to this!! I was comparing myself physically to them, one 20 years younger than me! The comparison isn’t in looks, it is in their actions. They have nothing on us that way!

I am going to introduce a radical idea. We should stop comparing ourselves to the people they cheated with and start comparing ourselves to them.

EVERY.ONE.OF.YOU. could have walked out of your door any given day and fucked someone WAY hotter than your spouse. Hell, you could have done that daily, several times per day. We're female. Guys are easy. We can be a 5 and hit a 10, you know? The dumbass I married had to pay for that privilege. I had to basically walk next door to a BBQ after I left him to have that experience.

It means absolutely nothing what the person they cheated with looked like because we all could have smashed them to bits by screwing a younger man with a bigger dick. Easily, without expending much effort at all. So they didn't do anything very impressive and they aren't "all that" to have found a willing hole.

Compare yourselves to your husbands. You fucking win. You are leagues above them in decency and morality.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4534   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8453024
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 3:12 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Compare yourselves to your husbands. You fucking win. You are leagues above them in decency and morality.

DDee - well, when you put it that way....

Chaos - how the fuck could we have forgotten to add BASGU to the dictionary?? This must be in there as well. I insist.

Hi Somber! So glad you are here!

Daisy I hear ya. I actually went through FB a few weeks ago and deleted every photo I could find with my shitbag x in it, but those FB memories are the worst.

HHADL - I don't give a fuuuuuck if people don't get it IRL - I actually have used D2DW in conversations at work. I get a weird look and just giggle and tell them it's awesome but they wouldn't appreciate it cus they had to be there

Not sure what's worse - a WH going for an older less attractive person, or going after an 18 yo twatbag slutlicking diseased c***face like mine did (well, I feel like mine is worse, but that's cus is mine).

I can definitely tell you one thing tho - no matter how pretty their outsides are, their insides are twisted and hideous. A wrapped turd is still a turd, no matter how pretty the paper and bows on the outside are.

I'd rather be older, wrinklier, fatter and also be a person with honor, morals, and integrity than "look" good on the outside. Beauty fades - character doesn't.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3170   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8453035
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 3:16 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Thisissoloney. Big hugs. This cheating thing fucks with our brain and self esteem.

WBF is 10yr older than MOW. The last year I’ve been with him...I see his age. Now before I go farther...he is not taking care of him. He’s got heart issues, bad knee and hip, gets his 20 hairs on his head died. His lifestyle is catching up with him. In fact one one my friends hadn’t seen him in a year and told me he’s looking old. BUT he’s a charmer, greater talker, story teller.....he can draw you in. He’s got a great mask.

I can’t say for sure...but I bet WBF is a cake eater....so he’s going to take anything that provides opportunity. I know him well .... he LOVES beautiful things. He never loved her.

Do I think her age provided attraction to him? Nope not at all.

At 51yrs, this is the hard core reality. WE ALL GET OLD. Yes, I’m battling middle age stuff....yes real wrinkles, huge change in my skin as estrogen drops, belly fat that just comes from nowhere and thinning hair.

WH young AP will be meeting the same fate. No one is immune .... just a matter of time. AP is using visual looks as manipulation on douchbag because she wants him.

The joke will be on her one day. Asshole.

You state it t well....it is the inside that matters the most. God, I loved my WBF for who he was on the inside. All the warts and bumps of his personality. But I’m guessing ego kibbles is more tasty when someone admires your mask or outside shell.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8453036
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 3:23 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

DDee. Love it. Thanks for saying it so well.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8453041
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:46 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

I'm 52, had a uterine ablation back in 2015 for bleeding. It seemed pretty successful, but I did have monthly spotting.

Fast forward to February of this year (4 years later!!) The spotting is now a regular, monthly, menstrual flow (Sorry guys).

I was stuck in a crappy job, with a crappy manager, at a crappy wage, for a crappy company. I could NOT get to my doctor to discuss the bleeding.

In JULY, I had to go to the ER as the bleeding sped up.

I was put on bedrest, told I needed a hysterectomy, and put on a Medical Leave of Absence (unpaid).

Cheater is freaked that I'm not bringing in the bank any longer. I can't help but wonder how different his response would be if he wasn't a Cheater.

My GYN was suspecting Cancer, biopsy, the works. Turns out, it's simply unopposed Estrogen, and I need a progesterone supplement, to stop the bleeding.

Nope, hematologist says NO. I have a clotting disorder progesterone will worsen. So GYN is trying to brainstorm another way.

I've had two strokes (2011 and 2013). My clots go straight for brain apparently. I do actually have to take this seriously. Cancer would have been simpler because endometrial cancer has an 87% survival rate 5 years post diagnosis. Strokes do not.

Infidelity on top of this crap is shitty.

On the plus side, I had my first hot air balloon ride on Monday! IT was amazing! Bucket list item fo sure!

Oh, and Tuesday would have been our 31st anniversary, if he hadn't cheated. I kind of let the day slip past. Until my buddy, who is also a BS, called to wish me a Happy Anniversary. I told him to F off, that it is no longer something to celebrate. He's divorced, so I asked the date of his wedding to HIS XWW so I could call him on it to wish him a Happy Anniversary. Nonetheless, WH didn't find this funny, and told me he still feels we are married.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2109   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8453057
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

'Nother one to add to the dictionary.

WTFF - what-the-fuck face. The face I make reading through some of these posts when a cheating asshat says some stupid ass shit.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3170   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8453112
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Interesting you say this as it was exactly what my IC said to me:

We should stop comparing ourselves to the people they cheated with and start comparing ourselves to them.

She had me do an interesting exercise - I had NO idea where the hell she was going with it - actually I thought I did but I was way wrong.

She had me make a list of all the qualities I would want in an "ideal" as in perfect-off-the-partner-factory-in-my-mind-shelf partner and rank them in order of importance (ties were okay - I could have 3 items as #3). So I did it, thinking that she was going to make me point out how many of those things my WH did not meet. I was wrong. She then told me the put a check mark next to each quality that believed I met. Then she told me to look at all the marks I had checked - and to own those - and to really feel good about how many little ticks I had next to all the qualities listed and to remind myself of that list when I was feeling low.

She then said to look at the ones I did not check, and determine how many of them were in my control to change, and to focus on making changes w/in myself. (Some on the list were, some were not. I look how I look, but some of that can be changed too - you can lose weight for example or cut/grow your hair but you can't - without a lot of money and plastic surgery - change your nose). It was a very NA/AA/Alanon moment because it is so fucking true - accept the things I cannot change and change the things I cannot accept.

We used the same list later to tick boxes regarding my WH - but you really can do this with ANYONE in your life - the AP, your parents, your friends, etc and use it as a source of determining more objectively, how many of those boxes need to be checked for various relationships, which will differ depending on the type of relationship (and of course some things will not apply to each relationship). Basically use it as a "I am putting up with too much of the unchecked boxes - and if so, why?"

The really wild thing about this exercise was that physical looks was just one of MANY boxes to check for my ideal partner and it wasn't even in the top 5 things, yet some of us get SO VERY STUCK on physical appearance for some reason, when comparing ourselves to others, and looks/physical attractiveness aren't even very important in the long run on our own list of important things. We do, in some ways, create our own pain with comparisons like this.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:20 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8453124
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3170   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8453128
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 6:29 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Damn Ellie, I can't see the image!

TISL, I love that exercise! You're right, that's very in keeping with AA/Al-Anon.

My IC did (kind of) the opposite which I also liked. I kept focusing on all of my negative qualities, all of the good reasons he had for betraying me, why I deserved it. That is a sticking point for me where my OCD really comes out, the rumination on my negative qualities. So she made me write them all down. And trust me, I had supporting evidence for all of it, I was really down on myself.

She then went through the list with me, and point by point proved me wrong. She recited back to me events I had relayed to her, and how my actions during those times were in direct opposition to what I was saying about myself. She basically took all of the negative things I was thinking about myself and put a positive spin on them.

The takeaway was, perspectives can change, and whether you think you're great, or you think you're terrible, you're right.

Oh, and DaisyAnne, I know this was from forever ago, but for your daughter dealing with bullying/harassment - have you considered self defense classes? I took our daughters, I think they were 11 and 13 at the time? maybe 12 and 14? and it was incredibly empowering. They teach how to get away from all sorts of different types of attackers. Even something basic like how to get away from somebody's grip if they grab you by the wrist, but on to more advanced maneuvers like how to knock someone off balance if they've pinned you down, or grabbed you from behind, what to do if (god forbid) a gun is being held to your head, or a knife etc.

Ours was taught by a man whose sister had been raped, so he wanted to give women the tools to fight back. Even though he was only about 5'9", it was crazy to feel the difference in how much stronger men can be compared to women, just because of their muscle mass, so I highly recommend going to one that is taught by a man. I can see how it might be scary or intimidating for a pre-teen, but that's why I went with them to reassure them, and they didn't have to try anything they didn't want to. Ours was a group class, I think four 3 hour long sessions, and we also did a private lesson just the 3 of us.

It was a super fun bonding exercise for us too, and then we would come home and "practice" the maneuvers on their dad. He's a really big dude and I was actually able to catch him off guard with some of them!

Not sure where you're located, but I would be happy to share the info for our instructor. He may even have some online courses or something now, I know he expanded his business a lot after we took our classes with him - even saw him at the girls' high school one day at pick up.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8453160
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:18 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

HHADL - hmm that's weird cus it definitely showed up in my preview and I can see it now... but anyways it's a picture of a dragon that says "If I had a baby dragon, that little sucker would sit on my shoulder all day, talk shit with me, and shoot flames at bitches we don't like."

Sigh. I want a baby dragon.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3170   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8453195
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 7:26 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Working on reconciliation after on and off LTA. CSAH's AP was 15 years his junior. I am one year younger that her mother. We are opposites physically, she is very short, I am tall and slender. I am independent and self sufficient, she is weak and needy.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 2:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8453201
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 9:30 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Ugh....well douchbag called me today. I got my wish.

Thank god for this site and the information here. You guys save my ass.

Here’s one for ellie’s Translation list “I just fell into it”. I can’t be responsible for my actions.

He’s experienced a unique bond with her and was comfortable exploring it with her because it always had limitations (never have sex ) due to her being married. He knew it could go no farther

Yet since he had never experienced this type of bond he wanted to know what he might be missing out on. He started to think if he loved me .... he wouldn’t be having this experience so something must be missing from us. What it is ....he’s not sure.

He had plans to end the A in nov (that would be the last convention for the year) as he knew it wasn’t going to last. Huh? I thought you had a unique bond with her? I call bullshit.

At this point, he would sit me down and discuss what he had figured out.

He’s been putting off calling me because he’s trying to figure out what’s missing. Though he’s not completely sure ..... it might be him.

He knows he’s got needs that are not being met. I asked him when did you talk w me about that? He can’t remember but he knows that I have ignored what he has said. Full douchbag alert.

I told him to research limerence....I explained a bit and he agreed that sounded like his experience. Told him he’s a drug addict. It’s a simple as that....you’re hooked on brain chemistry. There’s nothing unique between you both. You’re both two cheaters. Nothing special there.

At least he let me range at him on the phone....low class POS. A coward. Disrespectful ass. Told him MOW is low class too.

I will be getting my belongs this weekend. Then I can close the door on this nonsense.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8453270
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 9:36 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Oh LostHeart (((HUGS)))

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2109   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8453272
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 10:06 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Yeah, what a douchebag. I am so sorry. He's a complete idiot.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4534   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8453292
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 11:14 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

I got the “something is missing with us” speech too. Part of me took it to heart as I’ve had that feeling before about a long term relationship I had. I stayed. I tried to find it, and ultimately couldn’t. All that being said I wasn’t actively comparing him to someone else at the time or ever. It wasn’t right and it sucked, badly, for both of us as we’d had 5+ years together by the time it ended. I too was heartbroken about it, and after dealing with all this I question it all anyway.

That shit happens but when you’re comparing AP to spouse or long term partner or whatever, you are truly comparing the fantasy of winning the lottery to the reality of day to day life. With that comparison reality always loses.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:12 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8453324
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heartbroken83 ( member #71395) posted at 11:38 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

FUCK

I literally just wrote a whole fucking long as text and it totally disappeared on me. WTF I guess I will try again later, I have to head out for church soon.

FUCK FUCK FUCKIDITY FUCK

posts: 147   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8453335
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 12:53 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019

Oh I forgot that one in the translation thread... cus guess what? I got it too. And the "if I really loved you, I wouldn't have felt so drawn to her". Wow. JUST FUCKING WOW.

LH - bathe in the rage. Lace up those SBBs and go get your shit and bid this assclown fucking adieu. YOU are SO MUCH BETTER than him. You deserve better and you ARE better. You've put down the hopium... don't pick it up again. Cus there is nothing he can say that makes anything he has done in any way OK. I know you know that, but us womenz will remind you of your worth, even if you can't see it right now.

Fuck him man, just fuck him. May the fleas of 1000 camels infest his ass hairs and may his dick shrivel and fall off. What is 'missing' is any decency integrity morality and honor.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3170   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8453361
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 3:00 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019

Oh ladies....what a ride today. Any suggestions to improve appetite? I can barely eat.

Thanks 20yrs. I appreciate it. BTW....try acupuncture for your bleeding. I’ve had good success in treating it. You deserve to have your quality of life back. Pm if you want info.

Thanks DDee♥️

Thisissoloney... I’m blown away being told something is missing. He’s never mentioned anything. We’ve been happy ...which he agree on the phone today. There hasn’t been a sign or discussion.

Yup, I don’t have a chance with this special quality he’s got with MOW. Told him...how fucking lucky is he...he gets to build up to meeting her...gets the sizzle and the “special connection” (which by the way he can’t describe. It’s undescribable...he’s cat figure out it’s qualities- WTF is it then. It’s not fucking magic). Plus he only sees her once a month...they can retain the sparkle of newness. No worries of the daily grind.

Compared to us....he farts, obsessive about cleanliness, dirty laundry, piled up dirty dishes, problems with parents, money, juggling life, he runs behind time....oh yeah, that’s why I’m not special....Youve got the regular life with me. I’m guaranteed to loose.

Though, I can brag....he loves me more than her. He’s not in love with her as much but that unique quality .....I’m missing that.

Plus, I should be honored....whenever he was with her ... he was tormented with feeling good and feeling guilty. Ooohhhh....poor boy. I’m so sorry you feel guilty. Fuck you.

I wonder if she would be so fucking special in the morning taking care of an 8yr old? I bet not.

I can’t believe a 58 yr old man can act like an 18yr old. Oh yeah, Mario I can’t wait to have sex with you....it’s so attractive to hump a man who’s telling me he “loves me but I’m lacking that special quality”.

Broken-hearted fuck fuck back.

Ellie - what the fuck is wrong with me? How can any man think there’s special unique love with a married woman? Hello? What stops her from cheating on you? It’s so special it’s a dead end relationship cause she’s married!

Am I the only person on this planet who is mature enough to understand chemistry and it’s Fakeness? That uniqueness will soon be gone. Then reality hits.

His whole relationship is fake. It’s bogus. A fraud.

Why am I seeing the reality? Why is douchebag with his head up ass?

So ladies this is my guess....I’m leaving....I bet that fucker calls up ....going to say 3 months ....asking to get back together. That he misses me and realizes his mistake.

Let’s see if I can find a decent guy who will appreciate me in a heartbeat.

Thanks for letting me rant.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8453398
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Lostheart8 ( member #71607) posted at 3:09 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2019

Sorry....one more rant and you’ll love this one.

When he told me he was racked with guilt and happiness w MOW....I told him good.

You know what that fucker said to me? “You don’t understand what it’s like to in this position of experiencing something new and wanting to figure it out. But at the same point feeling guilty. It’s was a mixed experience and I wasn’t happy all the time. You should really try to understand me.”

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬👎👎🤬㊄ 4;🤬🤬🤬

Where does this shit come from? It’s like really bad trashy TV.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8453400
Topic is Sleeping.
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