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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread

Topic is Sleeping.
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:00 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2019

Starting to pack today. Debating telling WH of my fears and apprehensions. Then debating if telling him would be counterproductive because I'd ultimately wonder if anything good he did was a result of my discussion or something truly from the heart.

Overthink much?!

For now, I'm letting it ride. And packing my Rx just in case.

Since he's been in regular and frequent IC - I'm seeing glimmers of hope. And subtle differences. A ... humbleness for lack of a better word.

Tallgirl - I've hid in the bathroom at weddings. You aren't alone. Hopefully you felt the solidarity.

Hopefully you don't need too much Advil this morning.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8402667
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Mamacesto ( member #61938) posted at 11:27 AM on Monday, July 8th, 2019

Cocoplus5- I’m middle aged. 53 yrs old.

Have any of you noticed aging signs caused by the trauma? After 1st dday I was unable to eat for 3 weeks. Lost 20 something pounds. Of course, I’ve put it all back on. However, right after 2nd dday, my hair thinned out a lot. Then, I recently discovered that I think affair #1 began a year earlier than I was told. The next day I woke up with a section of wrinkles on my neck that were not there before! Unbelievable what the stress can do to you physically. As if I didn’t feel bad enough about myself these negative things had to happen!!

Me - BW -51 (at time of A)
WH - 59 (at time of A)
OW - 42 (at time of A)
D-Day #1 EA/PA 10-02-17;
D-Day #2 EA 10-14-18
M - 24 yrs (at time of A)
...attempting R

posts: 280   ·   registered: Dec. 23rd, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8402957
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:47 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019

Oh yah, I've had a host of fun

- muscles so tight I can compete with iron man

- weight gain

- can't sleep, never feel rested

- nerve issues - had impressive pain in my mouth for 5 months (just started meds)

- thinning hair

- more grey hair, not rocking the aging thing right now

- more heartburn

You are not alone

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8402977
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:59 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019

In no particular order

*Insomnia

*Anxiety

*Panic Attacks

*Wrinkles

*Gray hair [I cover & highlight]

*Short term memory loss

*Shaking

*A stutter when discussing A related things or AP

*triggers triggers triggers

*I developed a potty mouth

*A cynical outlook on life [I'm quite disgusted by this one]

*PTSD [edited to add this beauty]

I'm still fanfuckingtastic and a BASGU [bad a** sparkly goddess unicorn]. But in many ways I am a shell of my former self.

[This message edited by Chaos at 7:03 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8402984
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:18 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019

These changes piss me off to the nth degree. I'm mad for all of us.

Chaos, you stutter now? Please kick your wh for me.

My WH is going more grey but the bastard is still thin. I did notice that his skin went to shit over the last few years but I didn't realize why. His short term memory is worse too and his confidence is gone.

My concentration is shot. I can't read any more makes me sad. I was voracious reader.

I remember everything about his affair that I heard and the pain, but I can't find my purse, my car keys, my phone, channel changer - I've lost 2 pairs of pants recently too (geez) etc... Wish I didn't remember A related things and could find my mouth guard.

My mouth is way pottier than it was. I'm trying to control it, I'm sure I would out potty many of you.:)

A girlfriend at the wedding is on e-harmony, so she showed me the app. I've never seen it. I looked at her and said, omg, what if wh pops up. We laughed hard, but it wasn't funny.

Yesterday was DDay 2 antiversary. This one, of all three, was when I lost my heart completely. He had told me so many cold harsh lies to my face. Every word scarred.

He actually got mad when I asked if she contacted him. (Fucker) I set him straight. I finally told him that he is afraid of reaching out to me - I didn't use the word coward - but I really wanted to. He told me he felt emasculated - he is, he is too scared to put himself at risk by asking can I hold you. That is not fighting for your marriage, that is being a victim.

He did eventually sit beside me and put his arm around me. It just felt heavy, not comforting.

Well when I started this post, I didn't realize all this was going to come out. Thanks for the counselling session ladies.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:57 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8403247
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 10:25 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019

You have yourself a victim, Tallgirl. A victim will never fight for you. A victim will never find the humility to be remorseful for what he's done. Somehow, some way, it's still won't have been his fault. Victims are not comforting.

He's a manchild. He probably thinks you should be fighting for him, lol. Emasculated my ass...he SHOULD feel emasculated. He did that to himself and he continues doing it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4552   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8403252
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:59 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019

I think you are right Devastated.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8403264
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 12:39 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

I haven’t necessarily noticed new signs of aging (I’m 45 so it was already happening, lol). My biggest physical symptoms have been loss of appetite most days and my IBS is so much worse than it used to be, I think due to nerves. That issue already sucked and now it’s even worse. I hate it and it makes me grumpy.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1916   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8403303
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 1:09 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

Can I hop in?

Tallgirl - I think going to the wedding at all was awesome and the fact that you only hid for part of it was amazing. The only wedding I've been to since DDay 1 was a disaster. Cried in the ceremony and got shitfaced and broke down and left during the reception. Classy.

Chaos - I hate that we feel like we have to censor ourselves sometimes - just to gauge whether or not our WS is "real" in their intentions. I hope you have an amazing trip.

As for the aging? I looked pretty darn good before the A. Now I think it's aged me at least 5 years. Let's see...

- More wrinkles

- Used to have awesome thick long hair - now it's falling out and CHANGING COLOR along with getting gray and dry

- Lost so much weight at DDay 1 (20 pounds) that my boobs disappeared and haven't been seen since

- The fat went out of my face, so I have sunken cheekbones, new wrinkles near my mouth and thin skin that shows my veins under my eyes

- I used to read a book a week and now I can't read anything anymore (and all I listen to are infidelity books and podcasts bc I can't concentrate on stories and fear all of the infidelity in them)

- I can't focus even when I'm with my kids

- I can't recall basic words and my memory is shot

- The adrenalin is always going in me and I'm shaking in my hands and legs involuntarily

- Always slept well and now I can't sleep without distraction (audiobook) and wake up anywhere between 3-5 every day, most days I can't go back to sleep (which doesn't help with the aging stuff)

- The anxiety meds I am taking apparently correlate to dementia with long term use (more than 4 months) - so maybe I'll just forget about all of this crap someday and be happy again.

The infidelity ruins our bodies, our emotional well-being, our brains, our sex life, our entire existence. Man, I wish there was a time machine somewhere...where are Bill and Ted when you need them?

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8403312
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

I can't recall any physical symptoms post dday. My hair was already thinning and going grey. No new wrinkles that I've noticed, but I don't look for them. I'm not into beauty stuff. I don't wear makeup or do my hair or use moisturizers or wrinkle creams or anything like that.

The other day, my 15 year old boy got a Dead Sea mud mask. He, my 12 year old son, and I all tried it together. I got a pic of us all. It's pretty funny. 😁

The only way I can think that I've changed is that I stopped holding my tongue at all with my fch. I wasn't one to hold back most of the time ,anyway. I tried to let the small stuff go. Now, if something annoys me, even the littlest thing, I say something. I'm usually not very nice about it. I could probably change that because it's not very productive.

I took a pic of me and my fch a few days after dday1 (before I knew the full extent). I'm happy and smiling. My fch looks despondent. His face is thin and cheeks sunken. His eyes look empty. He looks horrible. Seems his cheating caused him a lot of stress. (Or, he was unhappy that he was away with me rather than with the MOW.)

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8403515
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:39 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

Tallgirl - fortunately I only stutter when I discuss with WH the affair in general and/or the Donut Whore [my nickname for AP - she once sent him a close up of a donut on her boob].

But yeah - I'll kick him for you

cocoplus5nuts - I have a few pictures of WH and I very shortly after DDay1. I look smiling and radiant. He looks exhausted and his guilt belly was prominent.

On a theme - I look at pictures during the A and when I'm not crying [because my life was a lie then ya know] I notice WH got grayer and grayer during that time. And he was developing a belly that ended up a 40 lb one [since DDay3 he's lost 15 lbs of that]. I still look fantabulous.

And now I want to try a dead sea mud mask

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8403626
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 8:24 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

And now I want to try a dead sea mud mask.

Don't do it if you have even the slightest sunburn. It burns! I couldn't tell a difference in how my skin looked, but it felt really soft. I got a facial coupon on groupon. Just need to schedule it. My problem is tiny bumps. I don't know what they are. They aren't zits. Hoping the esthetician knows and can extract themor something.

I have a photo of me and my H a few months before his A started. We went on a date. He looks unhappy in that one, too. I noticed it then, but he said nothing was wrong. I don't have any photos of him during his A. We weren't living together at the time.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8403683
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 9:53 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

My problem is tiny bumps. I don't know what they are. They aren't zits. Hoping the esthetician knows and can extract themor something.

I had really bad acne as a teen and my mom had me go to an esthetician once a month to get facials. I also went to a dermatologist, so during that time I was constantly getting new recommendations from both of them on different products to try, and I was using all sorts of different things.

I all of a sudden developed a bunch of tiny bumps. Not acne, but just a bunch of little bumps all over. My esthetician suggested I might be allergic to different artificial fragrances, of which there were many in all sorts of different products I was using. She said the combination of my skin being bugged out by those irritants, along with being too dry is what caused the bumps. So I cut them all out, and made sure I moisturized every day, and the bumps eventually went away.

She told me it can even come from being irritated by your hair products, because our hair is always getting on our faces, especially when we sleep as we can't avoid our pillow case. It used to be really hard to avoid artificial fragrances in women's hygiene and beauty products. It's definitely gotten better now, because of the "natural" movement. But you still have to double check all of the labels.

re: aging, I am not middle aged. I am 32. But I have had 2 very deep wrinkles that span the entirety of my forehead since my 20s, that are incredibly pronounced every time I raise my eyebrows for any reason. Apparently that must be my facial expression of choice or they wouldn't be so deep. Women I know have suggested injections, but that stuff scares the shit out of me, so I'll just stick with the wrinkles, thanks.

I've had arthritis since I was a kid, and it has definitely gotten worse since the A, especially in my hands. Probably from poor diet due to the stress.

And yes, my memory and attention span are completely shot after all of this. Memory used to be one of my strong suits. I now find myself forgetting things mid sentence, either losing my train of thought, or just completely forgetting how to say something. My colleagues are aware of everything that happened, so I am very honest with them now and tell them to give me a minute to let my brain process.

I'm told these are symptoms of PTSD, so I can't say I'm shocked by them, but it's definitely damn annoying.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8403722
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 3:14 AM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019

Thanks, hhadl. The only products I use on my face are a natural cleanser and witch hazel. I will look again at the ingredients of the cleanser.

It could be a hair product. I occasionally use a curl definer. It sure does smell. I freaked myself out one time driving in my car trying to figure out what smells. Finally realized it was my own hair. Most of the bumps are on my forehead at my hairline. A few are on my cheeks. Definitely could be hair. Interesting that you mentioned that today, because I had just decided I wasn't going to use it anymore.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8403821
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:07 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019

I had a smell in my car. It was broccoli. Gag me. What a disgusting smell.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8404230
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 1:44 AM on Friday, July 12th, 2019

I started a thread in Reconciliation. I would love to get your opinions.

It's entitled, "Ws doing work, but not talking about it."

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8404780
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:50 PM on Thursday, July 18th, 2019

I have been separated 3 months, and the enormity of his betrayal grows.

And, I think about him and it every day. Which does not make me happy.

Some days I feel I will never get over it. I know it is a roller coaster ride, but I feel like I've been going "down" for a while.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8407481
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earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 3:13 PM on Thursday, July 18th, 2019

Tallgirl - Broccoli gone bad smell - yuck. I once had a bag of bananas go AWOL in a messy minivan for a few days. Not anymore ...

Aim for the best case & plan for the worst case.When you encounter a detour on life's journey, pick yourself up and MAKE the road YOU want to be on. Finding my own path.

posts: 250   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8407560
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 3:34 PM on Thursday, July 18th, 2019

Changes to me from the A?

Pretty much everything on the other lists. Serious aging. I remember my hairdresser saying that my long THICK (like sweaty thick) hair was coming out in - literally - handfuls. She was showing me as it was coming out. I remember that feeling of shame about the A rising to my cheeks and blushing from it. Just said I was under a lot of stress, and she said I needed to work on that! Makes me PO'd just writing this. Of course, anything that's come back has been full on gray.

Whoever posted the adrenaline and shaking - thanks. I have the shakes and twitches all the time (way worse at the twilight before/after sleep), but for some silly reason (maybe loss of memory? concentration? ) I didn't put that 2 and 2 together. It's the frigging ADRENALINE! LOL.

Tallgirl - the broccoli is probably the worst. In the extreme heat of August in the midwest, I once left a cantaloupe in the back seat of my car. Then didn't drive it for several days. Came to find it was decomposing with a nice touch of maggot. Still skeeves me out to just think of it. Took me FOREVER to clean out that car (was thankful I had leather seats - if they'd been cloth, I think I'd had to get a new back seat installed). Hmmm. Now that I think of it, that's kind of a metaphor for my M.... decomposing with a touch of maggot that's taking me forever to clean up!

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3439   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8407576
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earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 3:37 PM on Thursday, July 18th, 2019

cocoplus5nuts - I'm late to the party to reply on this - I'm 55.

Tallgirl - Last summer, my fwh & I were invited to attend the wedding of the only woman in his group at work. I avoided going. I planned a whole week out-of-state for myself and DD, and fwh changed his plans to join us and to not go to it. I wasn't ready to be at a wedding, or to socialize with fwh with people only he knew, to chance that he'd make his "wonderful" comments about our M. This coworker is much younger, he's been a mentor to her, and he's had a KISA incident with her that he was reluctant to share with me. I don't think I'm ready to be around weddings again. I also realized after reprocessing things recently that I'm not keen on DDs getting M'd, getting legally and financially entangled. I'll probably scare away a lot of prospects .

Aim for the best case & plan for the worst case.When you encounter a detour on life's journey, pick yourself up and MAKE the road YOU want to be on. Finding my own path.

posts: 250   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8407578
Topic is Sleeping.
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