I actually really love that thread. I see how many others have kept their JFO thread going and it helps to be able to see their path from when they first got here until now. My JFO thread is locked, so I can't go back to it. I think I'm going to keep going back to that new thread to update. I just haven't been back yet this week, as I wanted to properly digest a few things before responding. Also have had two IC sessions since then that were pretty eye opening, partially due to some stuff I was able to bring up from that thread. I think the back and forth will be helpful.
Anyway, yeah, I totally get you re: the surfer dude thing. Funny thing is, I had slotted him as a fuck buddy. He lived 3 doors down from me, was super busy with two young kids, so I didn't feel like I had to put in a lot of time or effort, but it was easy to call him up and hook up when I wanted to. So yes, the surfer dude thing was the main reason I wanted to have sex with him in the first place. I had the perfect set up where I got to fuck the hot surfer guy, no strings attached. But it's definitely not what kept me around. The surfer bro-ness made him a great lay, but not a great relationship. The facade of his dedicated dad-ness and ability to adult at a high level is what sucked me in.
Kinda like what Dee said:
He had good credit, a good job, paid his bills on time or early, seemed kind and sweet, loved animals, shared so many of my interests...well, I somehow wound up with a crackhead who frequented prostitutes and at some point tried to hook up with one of his best friend's young adult daughter.
He held down a six figure job as the director of his own department of an international company. He was a single dad to two kids who despite his demanding job still found time to dedicate to his daughters, and would let them do his hair, paint his nails etc. while also paying all of the bills because his XW didn't pay child support. Even with all of that he still found time to maintain his own hobbies like listening to music and writing poetry. Then on top of all of that, he also squeezed in time to spend with me, including making me dinner, all nighters of talking and mind blowing sex after the kids went to bed, plus including me in all of their activities too. He had his temper about shit yeah, but I've got a temper too, so I made exceptions for that.
I felt like damn, this guy is so balanced and has his shit together, how the hell does he do it all? Wellllll it turns out you can accomplish a lot when you're not sleeping because you're snorting meth... like spending 7 hours in the shower masturbating with your GF's underwear that you insisted to her that you didn't take even though she knows you did. But I was already in it, the decision to move in was so monumental because of how it affected the girls, that I honestly considered us married from the moment we picked up those keys. The rest was just paperwork.
And yeah you're right, the patterns matter. I have a history of dating douchebags, for sure, and life gives you lessons until you learn them. Life kept throwing me the douchebags, but I wasn't learning. So it threw me the douchiest guy that ever bagged. And I'm planning to be off the douchebaggery for good now. There needs to be a Douchebags Anonymous group so I can get my chip! 7 months douchebag free!
Re: OWs. I honestly barely think about her anymore, except in relation to how my younger daughter now has to deal with living with her. I've got my daughters to worry about, and my own trauma to process, I don't need to waste time on her trifling ass But on DDay I ripped my comforter off of her naked ass and screamed at her to get the fuck out of my bed, then told her I hoped she liked baby oil, cock rings, dildos and limp dick because that was what she just signed up for. If DDs weren't in the house, I would have beaten her up, but bruises and broken bones heal. My XH on the other hand, well, my family is super tight, and he used to joke about how he was glad my fam was on his side, because if we were ever in trouble and made the call, they would have helped bury the body and hide the shovel. He'd better thank his lucky stars that I love his daughters so damn much.