Ok, first off
He told me the MOW was helping him deal with his M issues.
This whole the OW was helping me like a good friend or therapist by letting me put my penis inside of her shtick always makes me laugh. Sorry, I know it sucks to hear them say it, but can they hear how ridiculous they sound when they're saying it??
He presented himself to me the way he thought he should be. He acted like a good, caring, thoughtful person so people would like him, not because he actually was those things. All the caring, loving, thoughtful, helpful things he did were for selfish reasons.
Yup. 99% of everything he did for me was to "get" sex, or for the appearance of being a good husband. 99% of everything he did for the girls was because he wanted them to praise him for it, or he thought it made him look like a good dad.
What he actually was was a passive aggressive, conflict avoidant, people pleaser who built up secret resentments against me for things I didn't even know I did.
This shit is maddening. My XH did the same thing. He acted as if he was assertive, but he only had two modes - blow up over the slightest thing, never acknowledging that a calm conversation about what was bothering him would be more effective, OR holding it all in, then throwing it in my face once I brought up something that was bothering me.
I remember one conversation in particular where I brought up something that was bugging me. More than likely a cleanliness thing, as he had a tendency to leave food out etc.
Him: "Well I don't bother you about how you leave clutter all over your desk!! All you ever do is tell me what I do wrong, I don't do that!!"
Me: "Why the hell not?! You should absolutely bring up things that bother you in a respectful way so that we can talk about it and work through it!
Him: "I just don't see the need to tell you what you're doing wrong all the time. I'm not negative like you"
Me: "No, you just feel the need to throw it in my face when you are feeling insecure and defensive. That's not negative at all *eye roll*"
My favorite were the real blow ups that came out of nowhere. We had filed an extension for our taxes, but I was the one who really needed to do all of the work because I have receipts to write off and he doesn't. Well when you file an extension, you have until October, so we had filed it in April, and I hadn't really thought about it, since the whole reason we filed the extension was because I was so swamped with work that I didn't feel like I had the time to get it done properly.
In June he went on a business trip, and during that time I had a week off before I started another job. I had told him before he left that I was going to take that time to relax as much as possible, because I knew I was going into about 2 months of working 7 days a week. All of a sudden one night I get a series of texts from him saying, "You haven't filed the taxes have you? I bet not! Don't do another thing for me and the girls until that is done! If I come home and the taxes aren't done, you're not going to be happy!" Really? You're threatening me now? We had not discussed the taxes AT ALL before he left. I thought we had until October, so I wasn't sweating it. But apparently in his mind it was this pressing thing that needed to be done right now.
I struggled for a long time wondering if I could stay married to him. I didn't like the person he had become. Not because he was finally expressing himself, bit because the things he was expressing were so contrary to everything I believe. We are polar opposites on so much.
So sorry to hear this Coco. I'm sure you feel terrible about it, I know I did. As things about his personality started to come to light, I told myself well, you've committed to this guy, you owe it to him and the girls to try to make it work. But some personality traits just don't work together.
My fwh said my independence was one of the things he really liked about me. All the women he had dated before just went along with him and never expressed any opinions or anything. It's funny how that became such a big problem for him later.
Sounds like our WHs picked someone who wouldn't take their shit and then were shocked that we wouldn't take their shit.
The running theme of my life. Now the trick is figuring out how to pick out the guys who actually like my take-no-shit attitude, and not just the ones who pretend like they do.