SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my beautiful womenz.

It was a tough week all round. Funny how it hits us all in the same week.

Ellie, I think I missed this. Did you resign from work? I hope all is good.

Chaos, so happy you had a great vacation. How happy do you feel about that?

OOL, you are awesome. And strong. Glad you are able to see it. Keep up the good work girl.

gmc, I love your wisdom, and self insight. Always learning from you.

Daisyann, hope the test results are all good. Paps. Not a favourite.

LadyG, I hope you are ok. Be kind to yourself.

Northern, thank you. I like my new bitch boots. I am so so sorry about your dad. You are such an amazing caring person. I can’t believe how your dad exploded. I would have thrown up, but you do what you gotta. I am sorry for you both. Totally shitty week. As for reading on here. Yes, sometimes it reactivates my anger. It is simply a reminder that we have more healing to do, and it is little wonder when we’ve been betrayed to the core of our beliefs.

About boobs and bras. I have to wear a bra. Mine are big and have a hell of a swing. I do not tshirt only in public. Ever.

I had a hard week too but there were good parts.

I think I will do an old dating post, this was this weeks adventure.

I had a date on Friday and to be honest after it I had to do a lot of reflecting. I was stood up on Saturday. That didn’t bother me much. His loss. I looked great.

So On Friday I met Ron. We have been trying to get together for 3 weeks. His photo was kinda goofy, so I didn’t really expect the handsome man I met. We started our walk, and I quite liked him. Nice chat, an entertaining person. We walked for two hours. And Within say 20 minutes he put his hand on my lower Back. Hmm. Then he put an arm around me and held my waist. I thought. Shit. My roll. And I felt it was a bit presumptuous, and moved away. We chatted about something and I said. Let me check on my phone. He kissed my cheek. I didn’t see it coming. All I could think of was wtf. But he was nice. I didn’t say anything other than oh. 10 minutes later I dodged a kiss attempt on the lips. I literally turned my head away I haven’t kissed another man other than asshat in 30 years. I want it to be my choice. I was freaked.

After this date, I sat and thought. Here is what I realized:

- I am not ready to touch Or be touched By another man. I withdrew from his attempts like an abused animal. Because I was abused .......in the betrayal and hurt for years by asshat. Recovery takes a long time. I have plenty more.

- When I am ready, it will be my choice and my timing . And he may be a younger guy. Plenty of opportunity.

- The next date will have clear boundaries, I never imagined this scenario this man saw me as a vagina,not a real woman with bitch boots.

- I need to know the last name of a man I kiss.

- I will be respected, fuck that shit. I am so much more than a vagina. If all these men are is walking dicks, they can buy a sock. It ain’t me.

- I need to practice using my voice. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am worth more than this. I will chose who has the privilege to kiss me.

And girls, I am attractive. I have been shocked at the response from a recent Current picture. It has taken a lot of time for me to realize this. Asshat lost a great woman. Me.

I deserve me. He doesn’t, he lost an amazing women.

So. I am not going to date me for a while. My old pictures are down. I am enjoying myself, and loving the new friends I am making.

So the next little while is for me, I am kinda excited.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 12:34 PM, August 16th (Sunday)]

Tallgirl what an adventure you are on. And you know your fucking worth. That is inspirational.

TallGirl, I am proud of you!

Yes, you are so much more than that bullshit

Fuck those losers

Yes, Asshat lost a gem!

Thank you ladies. Love you all.

Wow, Tallgirl, what a first date. Sounds a bit l like the 1st date I had with my STBXWH in 1985. He was too keen to kiss. I was terrified.

So, I finally had a Counselling session today, with a Police appointed Counsellor. She is a survivor of Narcissist abuse. At least she’s been there and I don’t need to explain myself. Preparing me for a possible trial.

My STBXWH May plead not guilty for assaulting me. The dumbass sent me a message via son last week that he hasn’t been charged yet. My reply to STBXWH, ‘whatever’. Sounds bloody awful but the Police tactic is, throw enough charges at him and he will plead Guilty to something, or throw enough charges at him that he will be found Guilty of something. All I wanted was a Divorce.

Prior to the session, I bathed and clipped my dog this morning. She’s 12 and looks like a cute little puppy again. Reminds me that I need a haircut.

I ordered myself a new music CD this evening ‘Cannot Buy My Soul’ it should arrive for my birthday.

All in all, reading and replying in other forums can be exhausting.

Monday over, thank goodness. Waiting for the weekend!

Hey TG - wow. I really do not like when people get overly familiar with me - that situation would NOT have ended well for him if I were there.... I'm just over here all creeped out.

No have not turned in my resignation yet - I am still waiting on my background check to come in. You know, just in case it turns out I am a master criminal.... actually just checked and it came in good so I will be turning in notice this week. Wow.

TG: I'm sorry you had to on the spot enforce your boundaries, but you know, I'm so tickled that you have been on this journey. You've been able to confirm so many things about yourself - your worth, your wants, your confidence, your bravery and courage. All good shit.

I will chose who has the privilege to kiss me.

Yep. Some people need different things when they decide they are ready to allow someone else in their life. Some want to have fun and some romps in the hay - and all of that is good as long as everyone is on the same page and your emotions are ready for it. With SO - I was freaky deaky slow on the physical touch stuff. I didn't fully trust I was ready for that for a good long while. I was very open with him about that. When the first kiss came it came with plenty of warning and an ask for permission. And this will probably make you roll your eyes or laugh, but I actually cried. WTF? But - I think it was just those pent up emotions and allowing myself to feel something "real" again.

Long-winded way of saying - yep yep - be your decider and when you get there it will be all the sweeter because all parts of TG will be present.

20yrs: I have two sets of bitch boots. My first pair that I created here on SI are shiny, black, thigh high numbers. Sometimes they're sparkly - sometimes they have little ankle holsters on them for any additional tools I might need to pull out during the rumble. Other times they are studded and spiky. Not much of a heel because you know - balance (and I'm already tall). They stand up nicely in the corner so I can see them as a little reminder from time to time. The other pair I have is also black (you know - goes with everything I guess). These are my shit stomper boots. Kind of higher ankle height Doc Martens. Steel toes and non skid soles are quite helpful in a pinch. They pair well with my Army jacket I used to wear in high school. They are my go to when I get a quick call out from a friend asking me to show up with a shovel.

Yours?

LE: You are going to rock this new gig. I see so many good new beginnings for you.

Hey womenz! Catching up in here, sounds like we are all in a bit of a funk.

I feel like the world's situation with health and politics, mixed in with the betrayal BS is just overwhelming sometimes. Plus I'm just kind of DONE with the therapy world. I was talking to my sister yesterday (she's a psychologist) and she told me some crazy things. There are so many Masters level therapists, that don't get the training or have the same ethical standards as psychologists and psychiatrists. I never really thought about it, but it's true. I think there are gifted and crappy therapists of all educational levels, but I was floored that these therapists are not all held to the same standards. She also told me that the ones who do text therapy (is it Talk Space?) will have upwards of 50 clients, most have no training in "text" or video therapy AND that the texts are the PROPERTY of the company? WTF? How is that even legal???

I'm currently doing the "Courageous Love" workbook and am still stuck on the impact letter. Been here for a month. I just can't string together enough time alone with f-ing COVID. In a normal world, my kids would be in school or activities, or I could even check in to a hotel. But as it is, I'm never alone. My teenager stays up until 6am, my pre-teen is constantly walking in on me and both worry when I look like I've been crying (impact letter stuff makes me cry big fat ugly tears). They go back virtually soon, but that won't get me alone time.

TG - That guy was a dirtbag. I'm sorry. THIS is what is wrong with our culture. Most men think that women are objects. Women are taught that they ARE objects or that they are "prudes" if they object to being seen as objects. It fucks everything up. And being the mother of a boy, I'm not quite sure how to stop it. I obviously have conversation about it, but when your own dad fucked around on your mom, I'm sure that doesn't help things. The old do as I say not as I do won't fly with my son. Anyways, good for you for standing up for yourself. There are good ones out there and you are amazing and badass on your own anyways. I hope your next foray is better. At least you are learning that your boundaries are up, your judgement is on point, and you can definitely look out for yourself!

Ellie - I must have missed the job thing too. Good luck with the resignation. I know it is probably a bit stressful but ahead lies greater things for you!

GMC - I saw your post, which is why I got on. But I'm answering here. :) First, I am so proud of you. You did the most loving thing for yourself and more importantly your daughter. Doing hard things is HARD but you know you did them with love and that is why there is peace. I'm sure she knows it too. Whatever pushback you've gotten is precisely because she knows you love her, so I am sure she will see the love in this too. On the move out front, I think it might be time. There is never a good time. You did this separation before but maybe you were bot ready. I know you've been hoping that something would change, but if you've come to the conclusion that what he gives TODAY is not enough, then I think you can walk away knowing that you have done everything you can. The physical symptoms of your stress are not good for you. YOU DESERVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE! You gave him grace, now give it to yourself. I would bet that there are some companies that are hiring to work from home. I hope those irons in the fire have some sparks. COVID has killed quite a lot of jobs, but some industries are booming. Not sure of your field, but there are also amazing FREE or low-cost programs out there to get training in different fields. I have spent the past couple of months doing certifications for Google analytics. Adobe also has certifications and Coursera offers a bunch of classes that help. Heck, if you want to teach, I have two friends who have done the teaching ESOL online to Chinese students. You don't have to be a certified teacher and all you need is internet and a camera. The biggest question though is - do you feel your life would be better with or without him in it? Physically, emotionally, financially. They are all important. Perhaps a longer dry run with this apartment will help. Sending so much love to you. No matter what you decide, you never should have been put in the position to have to make a decision like this, and that really is the crappiest part of it all.

I'll come back later, been feeling constant anxiety, having dreams about the cOWhore lately, so this place isn't good for me to stay long. Ruminating constantly, so I feel like I need to stop the behavior of searching out A content (podcasts, books, SI) and let my brain take a break.

Hope you WOMENZ have a happy Monday!

Oh, and my bitch boots are classics. I'm a simple gal. No sparkles and glitter just makes me think about the cOWhore, so I'm plain black leather, over the knee, pointy high heels - because I'm short - and they make my butt look better. I actually have a pair I bought in NYC a few years ago. I should pull them out...

In my dream last night, I social distanced, and felt worried about the person near to me who sniffled.

I hate this. A random sneeze panics you, or a standard hot flash makes you want to take your temperature.

Covid has certainly crept into my daytime fears, 1st time it crept into my night time ones. Oddly I didn’t dream of asshat.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:05 AM, August 18th (Tuesday)]

I subscribe to some Infidelity email newsletters. One sent a link to a video yesterday titled 20 Things Betrayed Spouses so Wrong Tryibg to Deal with Infidelity.

A psychologist in the video said affairs stem from feelings of shame.

I told my Cheater. He said it suggests he hates me.

Uhm yeah. That’s how you cheat on someone. By hating them

What do you Womenz think?

In my case yes STBX hated me when he had the A. He even put me through False R after watching me mentally breakdown over the year after D-Day. He still has contempt for me over the lack of sex. Obviously the sex got worse after False R.

Absolutely.

Asshat hated me when he was in love with rent-a-vagina. He glared, sneered, yelled, discounted everything I did. Nothing was right. He was mean too. My kids said to me often That they didn’t like how dad treated me. The hate helped make it ok to cheat. Justification. I hate her, she doesn’t love me, I deserve to be with someone who loves and idolizes me. I don’t love her. I deserve more. Look at what she does or doesn’t do.

I pushed him on it after and yes He admitted it.

He rented the skank vagina because he was angry that I didn’t throw him a 50th birthday party. We had just moved, it was busy, he was being a sullen asshat, we were fighting, and so he decided to buy sex.

I read that hate isn’t there for everyone, but in my case it was. It was palpable

Shame is another yucky emotion.

We truly get to see the worst in the person we love/d.

It is so sad that the one who proclaimed to love you forever hurts you more than anything. And in this, gals, we are together.

Big hugs.

It’s Friday at last Womenz.

You want WH Venting. Seriously Lying? And so dumb!

I wonder sometimes what drugs my WH was on during the last A.

Dumbass had exAP help him set up a new private phone last October. ExAP has been spying on it ever since although they were apparently over. Dumbo WH allowed her to setup her own email and phone as backup for security reasons. In case the awful STBX wife, ME hacked it. I had no idea he even had a second secret phone. I still have no idea what the number is.

So, silly me, got him a new iPhone X for business purposes last December when we were on better terms.

It didn’t take long for WH to mix business and sickening pleasure and synced the entire lot devices He has. WH has no idea how or who or when this was done. It just happened

I had access to The Business stuff but to my surprise, the private stuff all popped up too. Even when I informed him that the exAP possibly had access, WH didn’t want to believe it.

My IT Tech un-synced the exAP this week after WH confronted her and her new BF. They were having a good laugh at WH ignorance.

As my DS stated Dad and Technology are Dangerous.

Oh LadyG!

Your WH must have a very trusting spouse to have gotten away with the crap he did

Asshat hated me when he was in love with rent-a-vagina. He glared, sneered, yelled, discounted everything I did. Nothing was right. He was mean too. My kids said to me often That they didn’t like how dad treated me. The hate helped make it ok to cheat. Justification. I hate her, she doesn’t love me, I deserve to be with someone who loves and idolizes me. I don’t love her. I deserve more. Look at what she does or doesn’t do.

Tallgirl, sounds like my WH situation exactly. Except that I threw Asshat a lavish 50th and bought him a Porsche which I really hated. I bought another 7 years of bad luck. My children were embarrassed sitting in that car. He’s So Vain! Stereotypical MLC. (He did the same after his 40th). Only last year before Dday he was pushing me to get him a newer car and get myself a newer car. His skanky rent an Ass was no longer impressed riding around in our old cars.

Told him he can buy the cars from me as part of Divorce settlement and then he can get himself a new one!

I have the classic car which I bought him for his 40th in my garage. I offered to buy this back for my sons, that was before WH admitted OW loved that Car. Asshat wanted to sell it, just not to me. Well now with NC he can get a Court Order before I hand it over.

Got my first pair of Bitch Boots for my birthday this week and I am getting around in them just fine.

WH sent me a ‘Happy Birthday‘ message. He tried hard to ruin my day.

How do you get paased all the lies and the manipulation? He played so many mind games. I had a feeling something was going on. I would ask and ask. He was so cruel. He denied it everytime. Even though he saw how much pain I was in. In 6 months he had 2 affairs. And before I found out he blamed me for letting our marriage get bad when he was doing what he was. Then he would be really good and say things that made me think he loved me. But it was all

S. How do u move passed seeing the love of your life differently?

Asshat hated me when he was in love with rent-a-vagina. He glared, sneered, yelled, discounted everything I did. Nothing was right. He was mean too. My kids said to me often That they didn’t like how dad treated me. The hate helped make it ok to cheat. Justification. I hate her, she doesn’t love me, I deserve to be with someone who loves and idolizes me. I don’t love her. I deserve more. Look at what she does or doesn’t do.

As FWH's affair continued, he did all of the above to me, his loyal wife, his punch bag.

He told me on D-day, that he hated me, and at times, wished me dead, so that his life would be easier. Shithead. That discovery gutted me. How did I standby all the abuse I was getting from him while he was having fun on the side! When he was telling everyone we knew what a great husband/father he was and what a lazy, boring person I was, behind my back. Why did I ever trust him? I truly felt red rage for him in return on that D-day.

Fast forward: after 3 months of separation, and finally during R , FWH confessed to me, it is not me he hated, he just took it out on me because he was selfish, inconsiderate to me, entitled.. and added that I did not deserve to be treated in such a manner ever again. So, I thought, FWH has a functional brain after all. or he's again feeding me crap. I lost my innocence, gained self-respect and I am no longer the naive boring wife.

Bottom line, he hated the person he had become during the affair and during our separation. And all that hate shit he was dumping on me was a mirror of how he felt about himself. He is not a narcissist, just a baby who never grew up. Never talked about his problems to me, only to the willing, stupidly smart FOW who babied him and cared for him.

He is still has lots of growing up to do. I am supportive but I am not helping him. It is his journey, and I see and feel his efforts to be a kinder man to me, one day at a time.

And to all Womenz out there, we have courage, we are resilient and our eyes are wide open. We have one another.

Have a great week! Covid and all.

Hi everyone - I've been trying to take some time away from the site to get my mind off infidelity 24/7. I've generally been doing ok. But a warning. This is a stream of consciousness as I feel so very very sad and very very alone today.

Today I'm exhausted. I'm just so fucking tired. I'm tired of doing the work. I'm tired of constantly trying to re frame my thoughts. I'm tired of trying to convince myself that he's not worth my time or effort, my mental energy. I'm doing the meditation. I'm doing the journaling. I'm trying to challenge my thoughts. I'm trying to look at them as if I were talking to a friend. But it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't want to have to do it any more.

I went away with a friend this weekend just gone. We had a lovely time. But there were a number of triggers on Saturday and when we got back to our hotel room, I broke down. Edge of a panic attack. Why. Why. Why. Why did he do this. Why am I the only one hurting. Why am I the one that had to move out of the house during the pandemic. Who has to only have sporadic contact with his kids. Who is doing all this fucking work to try and get through this. How does he get to have everything he wants.

My friend was so wonderful. She was so supportive. But I'm sick of the aftermath of this situation ruining everything. We'd had a lovely weekend. And then I was a hysterical wreck.

I've been NC for two months. My choice. But I'm angry that he hasn't reached out. I'm angry that he didn't check in on me after Nanna passed. It's cognitive dissonance because I really really don't want to talk to him / be in contact with him, but I want him to reach out to me. Because that would make me feel that I mattered. That at some point in our relationship I mattered to him. Now I just feel like he's turned his back and walked away, leaving me in a heap at the side of the road.

It's also my birthday this week, Thursday. I'm dreading it. What if he reaches out. What if he doesn't. I think about the past birthdays we spent together. The first one was my 40th. I met his ex wife for the first time on that day. Then I organized my own party. The second one, we had friends in town from the UK. I booked the restaurant, I organized it. The third one, we went to the beach. I booked the hotel, I organized it. Last year, we stayed at a fancy hotel in the city. I booked the hotel, I organized it. See a pattern here? I do. But it doesn't seem to be helping my feelings of wanting him to acknowledge it.

I just want this all to stop. I want it all to stop. But maybe this is my karma for things I've done in my life of which I am not proud.

I know nothing about his life anymore, what he's doing. I have no idea if he is still in contact with his AP. If she's still with her husband. In reality I don't know anything. But in my mind? She's left her husband. They are starting on the path to a relationship. They are happy. They are in that initial phase where you can't get enough of each other. They don't care that they've ruined two families. They are happy. I don't even register as a blip on his life, on his mental landscape.

And here I am, having to work every fucking day to try and get to indifference. How the fuck is that fair? He just gets to walk away scott free, leaving this ruin and devastation in his wake.

I'm sorry, this is a rant and it's nonsensical. But I feel so alone. And I'm dreading my birthday. I don't want it to come. I don't want to do anything. I want him to contact me. I don't want him to contact me.

How could something that meant so much to me that I invested my heart & soul in the relationship, how could it have ultimately have meant so little to him.

I know all the things - I know it's him, not me. I know that I did nothing wrong. I know that he is broken and that I don't want him back. I KNOW all that.

It's not helping right now, though. It's not helping at all.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 10:47 AM, August 24th, 2020 (Monday)]

Knowing it and KNOWING it are two completely separate universes OOL. Just be patient with yourself cus they day will come when you do KNOW it, through and through. You have to just let your brain remind your heart about all this. It sucks. SUCKS.

But in my mind? She's left her husband. They are starting on the path to a relationship. They are happy. They are in that initial phase where you can't get enough of each other.

For instance this one - I get you feeling like that's a truth, but consciously remind yourself that A - it isn't your business anymore, and B - all of this is just NO. Your xwbf is an ass who will never be happy because he wants someone else to give him happiness. And that's not the way it works. Easier said than known for sure.

I was gonna start a thread, then decided no. So my ac died yesterday. Was freaking out, got a repair guy out and it was $2k to fix. Thankfully my mom loaned me the $. But.....

So this is a lot of background to this thing, but suffice it to say that when mom was an active alcoholic, there was a lot of unhealthy codependency in our relationship. I know that. But back in those days, when something would go haywire like a big repair or whatever, it always seemed to work out that we each had the money when the other needed it. I always loaned her $, but she did me too and we always paid each other back. Never bothered me that much cus tbh I really don't care that much about $.

But today when I called her - which is fucking humiliating to have to do at almost 40 gd years old, she just lit in to me about how I have to get this under control and this is ridiculous and and and... Look, my house now that it's just me is way too much house for one person. I know that. And I have had some big shit come up in the last couple years, not the least of which is my fucking divorce. Working on trying to get myself out of debt and get my credit cleaned up so I can actually think about selling my too-big house and figure out what the fuck I want to do, but that is not an overnight process and I've just been chipping away at things the best I can. She has helped me out many times and I am eternally grateful. But today just did me in. I have helped her out plenty too. And NEVER when she would call in a bind and clearly already upset and down did I belittle her or get pissy or lecture to her about her poor life choices. It just pissed me off and really hurt my feelings and I don't feel like I can say anything to her about that. (And might I just add that part of what I am still working on paying off is the fucking 7 day Caribbean cruise I paid for all of us to go on for her 60th a few years ago.) I don't keep score and I don't 'do' to 'get' - I'm generous cus I like spoiling people I care about. But god DAMMIT it would be nice for fucking once if I was afforded some of the same consideration I give so freely to others.

Also, just lately.... I kinda feel just.... awkward around my family. Like I am the fat, divorced, childless freak. My sister is thin and has my niece and a nice boyfriend (which he is - we all just love him) so therefore she's the gold star daughter now and I am just the washed up has-been. I honestly don't know how much of that is projection or not, but it is how I feel. In the past when I have had hard feelings like this and tried to talk to my mom about them, I get very little in the way of an apology. I know deep down that my mom loves me and that a lot of what she's saying has merit and comes from a place of care and concern, but I am getting fucking sick of having to excuse her shitty actions with that line. Today just felt like I am already low and scared and freaked out and please.stop.kicking.me.when.I.am.already.on.the.floor.

I'm not a mom, so I can't really see it from that perspective, but I know the times when she needed a helping hand, I never stomped the shit out of her fingers before giving her one.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will be getting some additional payment for accrued vacation when I get my final check within the next couple weeks, so should be able to pay a good chunk of it back to her. This too shall pass. But today can just eat a bag of dicks.

See OOL? I'm a mess too - it's okay girl

Womenz, to be very clear, I never trusted my H.

I was just hoping that he would find another victim and move on and leave me in Peace. He just wouldn’t go away, even when I left him. The harassment escalated and continues.

I have kept every one of his messages before, during and after the last A and Dday.

Today is exactly 1 year to the day, that he bullied and harassed me in front of my sons as we lay flowers at my father’s grave. His own father is buried opposite mine as they passed away within a week of each other in August.

I won’t be going to lay flowers this year. The memories are so painful and raw.

The awful irony is that I have a Burial plot right next to my Dad. It is going to Remain empty as I have decided to be cremated. My WH was supposed to be buried with me. There’s no chance that’s going to happen. My children have agreed to cremate me and should they dare go against my wishes, I will disinherit them.

So my lovely Womenz, infidelity not only destroys your life. I want that plot empty as a reminder to all of what is lost.

Oh, and don’t be sad, my WH never had to think past the end of his penis, let alone past the end of week...

[This message edited by LadyG at 10:05 PM, August 24th (Monday)]