When does it stop hurting?
You can see from all my post I've been put through the ringer. A little back story. Found out last year my husband was talking to another woman. When I found out he said it was nothing but talking. We said we would work it out and he would stop talking to her. Fast forward almost a year later the OW reaches out to me stating they have had an ongoing affair for about a year. Physical for 4 months. Went to just talking cause we had moved very far away. I said I would work on it. We went to therapy for 3 months. He said he was sorry. I really thought this could possibly make us stronger. After 3 months I find out that was not his first affair. He had a ONS before and was still talking to the woman. So I left. I couldn't do it anymore. He has done this to me 3 times. I dont have it in me anymore. He has been so cruel to me. So hurtful!
So we are separated. Living 17hrs apart. I got my own place and started a great new job. I moved closer to my family. Which are extremely supportive. We have no kids so we don't have anything between us. Thank God!
There is nothing at this point that would make me go back. So why do I miss him? Why do I still cry? Why do I still want to talk to him? When will all this stop? When is it best to start moving on? We are just kinda waiting till the beginning of the year to assess everything, but its looking like divorce. He is still sending me messages asking me to come back. Telling me how much he is going to change and what a great husband he is going to be.
I just wish I could snap my fingers and him and all this go away. Its not fair I've been put through so much and it won't stop!
Please any help would be greatly appreciated!
16 comments posted: Thursday, October 1st, 2020
I don't miss you. I miss the person I thought u were...
So now that I have found out my husband had 2 affairs, I have started to look back at all the hurtful things he did. Last year when I felt something was going on, I would cry every weekend and ask him to please help me. Asked him why do I feel you are cheating on me. He was so cold. He would cuss me or get angry. He would say if u keep accusing someone of cheating then they will do it. He was extremely defensive and hurtful. And at this point he had already had 1 affair and was in the middle of another. So many cruel things he did. Left me to go see her. Would say its work. Knew how lonely I was. Would say I wish I could see u this weekend but would go see her. Would tell me all this stuff about how much he loved me and missed me How we need to get out and do more and travel. Said I'm afriad since I'm not home and u don't do much u will start screwing the mail man. He had a work trip planned for VA beach and took her with him. He said he wanted to go early to have some extra time at the beach. I begged him to not go early spend time with me. I had no idea she went with him. We had a vacation planned for the following week but didnt save enough money so we had to cancel. I was so upset. I always looked so forward to traveling with him. He came home from VA beach the day before our 9th wedding anniversary and forgot it was our anniversary. I was so heartbroken. I knew the man I married would never forget our anniversary. I found out in May of this year about his 2nd affair which I thought was the one and only. The OW sent me pictures and videos of them. With detailed messages. He sent her disgusting snaps about what he had done to her sexual! Then in August this year I found out after putting in all this work for 3 months he had still been lying. He had a ONS for his first affair 3 months before his 2nd. I left him and came to my mothers. I dont see how I could go back. I just want to know if other WS have been this cruel to their BS?
[This message edited by Ascott58 at 9:54 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]
11 comments posted: Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020
I can't take much more!
Last year in June I found out my husband had what I thought was a EA. I saw a message from the OW on his phone. He told me he ended it and they were "just friends". DDay#1.
So 3 months ago the OW reached out to me stating that it was a PA and it didn't stop when he said it did. He took her on a work trip with him a month after it was supposedly over. She has been trying to get back with him and when she found out we was still together she messaged me with pictures that are burnt into my brain. DDay #2.
When the OW had messaged me she had given me a name of another woman she saw him messaging when they were away together. I messaged her on IG but never got a response. I asked him and he said he meet her and they just chatted for a bit and that was it. A few weeks ago I got that gut feeling again. So I checked the phone records and saw he was messaging a Chicago number alot. I asked him who it was and he said "If you wouldn't have messaged her on IG this wouldn't have happened". I said is it the Chicago girl? He said yes. I said did you sleep with her. He said yes, one time. He has been talking to her because he was trying to play it off so she didn't tell me. DDay#3
So he had an affair in December 2018 and then started another in March 2019. And here I have worked so hard these past 3 months to get us in a good place for nothing. We've been doing therapy, I've read a ton or books, watched a ton of videos, been spending time with him, showing him how much i love him. I was the only person he had ever slept with. That was so special to me.. and he gave it away so freely, like it ment nothing.
His 20 year old brother had passed tragically in 2017 and i feel like he never dealt with it. He has never been able to deal with emotion. He never wants to be vulnerable.
I was getting to a better place. He has done this to me 3 times now. I cant take much more. Why couldn't he just be honest the first time and let me make the choice on what I wanted to do. But instead he played me like a piano. He would send me sweet messages. Tell me we should go places together knowing what he had done/doing. We went on a trip to New York the week he slept with the 1st one. How did he do that? How did he go with me and act like everything was fine. He just strung me along. We had been having problems for about 3 months but it wasnt anythibg i didnt think we coukd handle. I sure wasn't thinking about someone else. I just wanted my loving husband back and he wanted someone different. He blamed me before I know about the first affair and said I was horrible to him for months. When in reality now I see it was probably him from all the guilt pushing me away. So he thought that gave him another excuse to cheat because he was unhappy.
At the beginning of the year we moved to a new state for his job. We both looked at this as a fresh start. How could he do that know what he was hiding. I just dont know if there is anymore to give. I have put in so much work on myself and for us. Im just so tired. And here I've started this new life ti have to turn around and possibly do it again. Thats evil!
I came to my moms for a while to see what I want to do. I would love nothing more than to be with my husband but I dont know if its possible. I dont see how someone who claimed to love me did this. He is super remorseful and we had some really hard days after this last Dday. I really feel in my heart he wouldn't do this again. But do I want to be with soneone who gave part of us to 2 other woman so easily.
I just wish someone could tell me what to do. Im just so confused. I just want my old happy life back but i guess I need to understand thats not going to happen. Im not scared about being alone or any material things. Im scared to lose him. We were 16 when we got together. We have been together 16 years. Married 10. We have no kids and don't want any. We are best friends and share so much history and interests. I cant imagine life without him.
I just wish i knew what to do....
14 comments posted: Wednesday, August 12th, 2020
How do you talk about it?
So I'm 2 months out from dday. I feel like I want to talk about my husband's affair all the time. Me and him have talked alot about it but at this point he is starting to get upset. Said that he feels horrible about himself all the time. Says he knows he's f'ed up. He's reminded everyday of every hour I've really try not to bring it up all the time, but I find myself throwing in little digs here and there which are what upsets him the most. I know that does nothing to help and I dont know why I say that. I always feel worse after i say it. I'm in pain all the time. Maybe I think he should be too. I need to figure out how to explain to him it helps me to talk.
How do you all talk about it with your WS? We do therapy but we don't really talk about the affair. More on how to recover. We've read some books and alot on online. I have so many questions I would like to ask. Should we set up a time each week to talk about it and that be all for the week? I know he is going through shame. And feels horrible about himself. But I need to heal if we are going to make this work.
We are going to stay together till December and then reevaluate our situation and see if we should move forward. I want to see he has changed and he wants to see if im going to be able to forgive him.
We are getting along and having good days. He just doesn't understand how bad this is on me. I feel he is being selfish and only thinking of himself. There had been some really rough nights and he had tried to be there to comfort me.
We are both 33. No kids. Both dont want any. Husband had a 4 month emotional and physical affair.
17 comments posted: Sunday, July 26th, 2020
I feel insignificant
So today makes 2 months since dday. I woke up feeling ao depressed. I have so much anger, sadness, hurt, but yet love toward him. I almost feel like it has hit me again. Or maybe I'm finally realizing its not a dream and the shock is over.
I started a new job Monday. I thought it would keep my mind busy. But there are triggers everywhere. The first day someone had said the word infidelity, talking about another coworker's divorce. Then all the woman were talking about being married and being in love and happy and I just sit there. I used to be one of those woman. I wanted everyone to know how lucky I was to have a husband like him. So I just sat there in silence just dying inside. Then later on I was so angry! I just wanted to go up to him and scream "How could you do this?". But our therapist says attacking is not the answer. I told him I feel insignificant now. I dont feel special. He took all that away. He shared with her in 5 months what took us years to build. And he did it so fast.
Our 10th wedding anniversary is next week. That was such a milestone for me. It was never a question of if we make it there it was when we make it there. I just knew we would be so happy. We talked about how we would spend our 10th all the time. It was a big deal for both of us. That day is going to be so hard. All I think of is how much i loved him at that moment. I wasn't even nervous. I knew that was my rock until death do us part.
I just feel like I cant get away from it. I've been exercising a lot lately. Doing workout classes. But all I do is look in the mirror and see someone who is not her. No matter how hard i work I'll never be her. I'll never look like ber. I know its my nonexistent self esteem talking. I think about them together more at the gym than almost anywhere. The one place you think you can escape it. But it does make me push harder so I guess I'm grateful in that aspect.
We said we would give it 6 months and then reevaluate. We are doing therapy, reading books, and spending time together. We have some financial issues due to covid we are working through too. So December just makes sense. But will I know by then? Do you ever know?
I know 2 month is nothing. I get I'm a newborn right now. And maybe I just need to rant. Thanks for all the support!
We are both 33. No kids. Neither wants children. Together 16 years. Married 10 years next week.
17 comments posted: Wednesday, July 15th, 2020
I'm 7 weeks out from Dday. My husband was the WS. We both are in counseling together and separate. Just taking it one day at a time. WS had a 5 month A last year. He is extremely remorseful. We have had alot of talks and just wonder if we are good for each other anymore.
We are 33. Been together since we was 16. Married 10 years.
Im looking for advice from people without kids. We don't have children and don't want them (he had a vasectomy). So I feel like I should leave because we don't have kids. Im still young, no kids, so why stay? I love him so much and it's heartbreaking what we are going through but I just can't help but think why stay. Anyone stay that dont have kids or leave because of no kids. Thank you guys!
26 comments posted: Wednesday, July 8th, 2020