Hello, and I hope everyone is still doing well. I apologize for taking so long to respond back. Work has been nonstop busy, and I've already pulled two all-nighters this week alone (and yes, I know it's only Wednesday...barely...we're still in the wee hours of the morning). I have now had a chance to read over all of your replies. I will admit some of it was hurtful. Other responses I feel have me confused, as there might be a misunderstanding. I suppose some of that is my fault because maybe I didn't explain things enough to give a clear understanding. But I will say that overall I am thankful I have a safe space to write and vent. I feel like I never have a chance to do that in my regular life for the most part. I definitely can't vent about anything at work, as I have no friends at my new school, being new and also being kept extremely busy. It also seems that a lot of the staff members are buddy-buddy with each other, evident at last week's all-day PD trainings. Many of them have already been working with each other for years now, some even know each other from working together at other schools. I also feel that on top of being new, I'm already ostracized somewhat because of how noisy my classes have been. I feel like the outcast teacher in a way. No one has made an effort to do much of anything to include me or invite me to group outings the way staff did when I started at my previous school over 20 years ago. The ambiance is just different, colder. My brother is still very cold toward me too. His wife converses with me on occasion though so that's nice. My colleague friend from my previous school has still been talking to me too which is nice. She's literally my only offline friend these days it seems. In a way I consider many of you from this website like friends too, I hope that doesn't sound weird saying that?, because I can write and express my feelings here. Yes, some of the feedback has hit a chord but I will admit it isn't anything different than my former colleague friend has told me at some point or another.
As for my dating life and sex life, I haven't been seeing K anymore. Obviously I had concerns about him being married and having a past criminal record. But it also seems that he stopped contacting me before I had a chance to decide on my own about him. I haven't tried to reach out to him. It seems that my friend contacting him got him thinking I was too much drama for him. Meanwhile, she still rehashes things and brings him up on occasion, still, a month later. She will find hurtful ways to inject comments randomly into conversation such as, "Yes, you're right, you DO have low self esteem. For example, the way you kept pining after that busted-looking married criminal K?" She's also rehashed the last time he visited me, right around the time of the whole dramatic fallout, when he stopped by my house impromptu early one morning, seduced me, literally put it in for one pump before immediately pulling it out, jumping up, and saying with a smirk, "Ha that's all you get" before walking right out the door. She said I have no self respect to have still answered his phone calls after that. She mocked me by saying I probably waited around all day at home, at sacrifice of doing things I enjoy like going swimming at the gym, waiting for him to come back and "finish". She also keeps rehashing this one texting faux pas I accidentally made involving her a few weeks ago.
At times I question if she's actually trying to help me or just talking to me to mock me. I question at times if she still really wants to be friends. But then again I also feel I should be thankful she is still there and willing to talk to me on nearly a daily basis. It's not like anybody else does that for me. So I should be grateful, and for the most part I am.
As for my job and perceived race issues, yes I am white. I live in a neighborhood that is mostly white but has a mix of different backgrounds too. It is a neighborhood technically in the city, in the direction toward the suburbs. I will say I'm not racist, so it was admittedly hurtful to read that people might think I am. I've worked in predominantly black schools in predominantly black neighborhoods, like reported as 97% African American, in the past before the last two schools I've been at. I got along well with the students and they also admired my taste in music, which consisted of a lot of R&B and popular hip hop. If anything, I feel like my classroom management and rapport with students has been on a decline in recent years and decades. Many other teachers have expressed the same, and even teachers I haven't been on super friendly terms with have told me at PD meetings and such that it's not me, or us, but the fact that kids just aren't as disciplined at home nearly as much these days as they were in previous generations. Even long-time veteran teachers have said this too. It doesn't help that administrators and districts have drastically amped up the workload, class size capacities, and paperwork for teachers too. That definitely robs us of valuable time that could be used for other things that might do more to help engage students or manage students. I do the best I can. I've already been investing pretty much ALL of my spare time into this job, even though it's been extremely thankless so far. As for having students of other races...yes, I will admit that it seems that more often they treat me with less respect. I feel like they see me as not being one of them, not being tough enough or something. I hope that doesn't sound racist. I've vented to my brother about this in the past, even when I was at my other school, and he did accuse me of sounding racist. What does he know about racism...he doesn't even interact with anyone outside of his race. (Just another example of him talking but not doing) Also, last year when that particularly disruptive, very disrespectful girl was in my class, (she happens to be black--literally shares the same first and last name as a famous black celebrity wife/ex-wife, but the first name is spelled differently, with an unusual spelling; my former colleague friend had a great laugh about the name coincidence) her mother sent that nasty email to the dean and principal, CCing me, and falsely accused me of being racist while outright lying by saying that I told her daughter she was "cut from a different bread". I never said that! But I do believe the possibility that perhaps her daughter told her that, as a false excuse for why she cursed and yelled at me the way she did when I told her she was losing points on her grade for not having her work turned in. That right there is an example of how people seem to reverse racially profile me. Does that make me racist? I hope not, I don't think I am. I've always been what I consider to be super nice to these students, while still trying to enforce rules, a consistent lesson structure, and enough assignments to keep them busy, yet they still seem to constantly talk over me and never respect me. I don't know what it is I'm lacking. Maybe teaching isn't for me. I realize that now. But it's obviously far too late to get out of it now. I have less than five years until retirement. I NEED to push through so I can get my pension that I've worked so hard for and have been anxiously anticipating.
I guess what I'm really sad about isn't that "someone's husband" has stopped talking to me or seeing me, more just sad that when I finally have the guts and the opportunity to try to move on and meet someone new, it ends up being such a disastrous situation that I never saw coming at the beginning. I feel like every time I try to make changes to my unsatisfying life, as everyone on here and in real life keeps telling me to do, I just end up in an even worse situation. My job, my dating life, and more. Every time I make a change, it blows up in my face. Yet people wonder why I prefer to keep things consistently the same. At least when I keep things the same, I have stability and familiarity. It might not make me happy, but at least I know it won't make me insanely miserable. Right now I am insanely miserable. This is literally the first time in WEEKS I've even used my computer for something other than work. I never even have time to shop at the nearby outlet mall on weekends. Every. Single. Minute. Is spent. Doing work. Yet I seem to have nothing to show for it. The kids talk over me, never listen, never let me teach, and one of the vice principals came by for an impromptu unannounced informal observation the other week and gave me low ratings, telling me I really need to improve my classroom management. All of my time spent on this job, with nothing to show. All of my spare money spent on reams of paper for all the worksheets and all the emergency lesson plan copies I'm required to make. This sucks. I thought my last job sucked, but this one is literally 5x worse. Then I have what's probably my only friend left these days, when she's not mocking my choices or the guys I've dated, she's guilt tripping me for not going out with her to the bars. She claims she has nobody able to go with her, and that I'm supposed to have all this extra free time just because I don't have kids or a husband. But I don't! I thought she of all people would be able to empathize because she also used to stay late at work and spend loads of off-work time doing work for our job, but it seems even she can't relate anymore. She quit teaching at the end of last school year and is now working an office temp job with set 9-5 hours and no take-home work. Also, the workload we both had at our previous school isn't nearly as much as what I have to deal with now. I mean, she tries to relate and empathize, but she doesn't realize nearly the extent of immense workload I have. Also, what if I go to a bar with her and I do end up lucking up and attracting a man, and the man turns out to be even worse than K was?
