SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would be interested to see if she had any posts.

Doubt it. That reddit is more the Ashley Madison or other dating app type crowd. They consider it bad opsec to find APs in your local sphere of influence.

Agreed Thumos. The STD thing sickens me. I have to laugh when these cheaters have their OM/OW “cheat” on them.

I read one recently where a woman was considering passing off her affair baby as her husbands.....just sickening.

You've mentioned that your wife doesn't deserve, this,or that, and that she's a good person.

I wonder if his wife will feel the same?

Your wife is helping another man destroy this woman, her children, her family.

Sorry, I don't see the charm.

Hold on, I never said my wife was a good person.

What I meant was that no one, no matter how "bad" they are deserves to stay trapped in the prison of a loveless marriage for the sake of propriety and public opinion.

I tried looking for the Reddit thread last night but couldn't. I didn't know it was in the adultery group. I'll check it out.

I tried looking for the Reddit thread last night but couldn't. I didn't know it was in the adultery group. I'll check it out.

It's three days old. Sort by new and scroll to you get there. Post title is "Have Mercy Downvoters" I wouldn't engage there. Those are people who feel As are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Good for understanding the mindset. The selfishness just drips off their posts.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:37 PM, Wednesday, May 12th]

I just read it. Well...

Well...

So I guess I am a spineless, angry loser who just wants to revenge on my wife? Wow. There are a lot of seriously pissed off people over there.

Since I would never get a fair shake on that sub, I think I need to defend myself to some degree. First off, I have never tried to portray myself as a perfect husband. Frankly, I don't know what that is in today's standards.

I can say that for the duration of my marriage I have always done my best to honor and stand up for my wife, even during times when she didn't deserve protection. Her first affair took place at a time in our lives where I thought we had a great relationship. We seemed happy, sex was crazy good and plentiful, I was paying her way through college and we had our young son who was a joy and still is. She decided she was missing something and went and had a one-year long affair with a fellow student at the university she was attending. This guy was a mutual friend of ours who guided her towards getting her grants and loans. He was also a grad student at that university. Those evening study group sessions were actually her going to his apartment to bang. Had a mutual friend not caught her snuggling with him at a darkly lit bar one night, I would have been oblivious. I was furious. I had bankrolled her education and took on all the extras at the house to give her time to work on school. What can I say? I wanted her to succeed and have a career she would enjoy and feel good about. Does that make me a pushover? Does that make me a villain?

There was no good reason she could give for cheating. It was all the bubbling snot and on-her-knees begging show. I was young and hurting and fell for it. She claimed she was happy in our marriage, but said that he flirted with her and she was curious and liked the rush she got having another man desire her. That was it. It was lust plain and simple. I kicked her out of the house and planned on divorce. She went to live with her mom and dad and would come to see our son a few hours in the evening. Her dad didn’t want news to spread that his daughter was a cheater, so he planned some intervention.

When it broke, only our two sets of parents knew about it. Then one day I get a call from the head deacon of my FIL's church we attended to come to an emergency meeting. I get sat down under the hot light in the semicircle of deacons and trustees, in what was basically a star chamber. They basically started hammering me with Bible quotes, telling me how I should completely forgive her and work towards reconciliation, which basically meant that I had to go back and do a forensic investigation on my own spiritual leadership of the marriage and where I failed to “lead” her properly. I will not bore all of you or go on and on about this. It is difficult trying to explain to people who were not raised in the Evangelical tradition how this false doctrine has permeated the Southern Baptist theology over the past fifty years, but it is still very prevalent and widespread and some situations has gotten worse nowadays.

But I was young, in love with my wife, and I wanted to save my family and marriage. I was scared, so I went with the flow, sucked it up and did what I thought I was supposed to do. That’s it. That is my reasoning for not bailing on the marriage fifteen years ago. We went to counseling, I took the brunt of the blame for our issues, sucked it up and did my best to fix myself. I cannot say what her counselros told her because I wasn’t with her in those sessions. These were all Christian counselors endorsed by the convention. I went to Promise Keepers and threw myself into all that gobbledygook with gusto. But inside I was dying, I just didn’t see it at the time. But as the years went on I just felt something inside me fading away. We still had great sex, I still treated her as well as I thought a husband was supposed to. I tried my best to do everything right, and kept on doing so until two months or so ago when I found out she was up to it again. That is when I realized it was all a big lie. All of it. She never really had any true remorse. She never really truly repented for what she did. It was all an act. That is the way I see it.

So we are both to blame in a way. We both kept acting and pretending we were this shining beacon of a couple, when in actuality we were a hollow tree.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 9:43 AM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

And for what it is worth, I don't care if my wife finds that Reddit post. I get the feeling she knows I am on to her. We have not talked much to each other over the past few days. She avoids me and stays on her phone most of the time we are at home together, or she stays at work late.

If she finds out then so be it. I have nothing to hide. I just was biding time to get my ducks in a row. If she comes here and reads this thread, so be it. It is not going to change my resolve. I live in a community property/no fault state. The legalities of our divorce should be straightforward. I will take all precautions necessary to protect myself. The only exposure she will have is to our parents and our son. That is as far as I plan on taking it.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 9:43 AM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

TheWrongOne,

The pain in your reply is clear. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish you hadn't read that post at a time when this is so fresh.

You have to remember the audience over there though. One of the top recent post is a WW saying she is cheating to save her marriage because she loves her BH sooo much. They are criticizing you for not confronting your wife, yet they themselves are lying daily to their own spouses and not confronting their own unhappiness with their spouses. The parts about not revealing to family are ridiculous. If it's not a big deal or it's not wrong, why do they care who knows?

Again, I'm sorry. You have nothing to explain or defend or justify. You don't want to live in a marriage with a cheater. You don't want to cover for her lies with your own to others around you. All of it makes sense. You are acting with integrity.

They are criticizing you for not confronting your wife, yet they themselves are lying daily to their own spouses and not confronting their own unhappiness with their spouses

The cognitive dissonance is strong with them which makes sense since that's a fundamental requirement of Waywards.

Since I would never get a fair shake on that sub

Of course you wouldn’t. These are people that for the most part celebrate deceit, selfishness and the destruction of others. You’d have to be seriously f’d in the head to get a fair shake with that community.

If you meet with her put your phone on the table and turn it on. Tell her you are recording. Then give her the papers, saying what you are doing, and suggest she contact her attorney, then leave. It is all on the up and up because it’s recorded. Make sure your state allows it. You want this to be as smooth as possible.

I admire you. You are not playing games with her head. You are being concise in your plans.

I hope you stay in touch here. You have much to teach newbies.

There are a lot of seriously pissed off people over there.

Fuck those losers

They basically started hammering me with Bible quotes, telling me how I should completely forgive her and work towards reconciliation, which basically meant that I had to go back and do a forensic investigation on my own spiritual leadership of the marriage and where I failed to “lead” her properly. I will not bore all of you or go on and on about this. It is difficult trying to explain to people who were not raised in the Evangelical tradition how this false doctrine has permeated the Southern Baptist theology over the past fifty years, but it is still very prevalent and widespread and some situations has gotten worse nowadays.

Unfortunately this is really common. I think it's difficult for those who haven't been exposed to it to understand just how badly the church is covering for female infidelity now.

TheWrongOne, fortunately you will find most women here on SI (both BW's and WW's) will never excuse or condone female infidelity. You're in good company here. Stay here, stay frosty and keep moving forward with your plan.

So we are both to blame in a way.

Well, no. There's one person to blame here. Do not take one iota of blame. Do not allow blameshifting. There's a formulation here on SI that goes, "50 percent of problems in a marriage are shared equally, 100 person of the blame for the adultery is on the wayward spouse."

Only, really, even that's not true in many cases. In many, many cases of infidelity there's a poison at the heart of marriages and deficiencies caused by the wayward spouse -- even before infidelity happened. And it's increasingly the case that infidelity seems to be happening in what should be and are arguably good marriages. Even adultery apologists agree this is the case.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:28 AM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

And for what it is worth, I don't care if my wife finds that Reddit post. I get the feeling she knows I am on to her.

Hi, Wronged One. For starters, I'm a little creeped out that we have "lurkers" on SI.com that routinely report back to the Adultery Reddit sub. I'm not sure what the point of that activity would be but it's very shady. I do sometimes scan that sub for some insight into a mindset I don't share, and a more smug, set in their viewpoints group of individuals you'd never meet. Or care to.

Regardless of Reddit lurkers I wouldn't think your wife would be frequenting /adultery, but that's only based on what you've described her as. I realize you can never really know the person you're married to. I just think it's a giant leap to go from some "religious Subreddits" to /adultery.

TWO,

You don't have to justify your actions to anyone here or on any other forum.

You have to do what is best for you.

It sounds like you have a good plan. Stay focused and continue moving forward.

You got this.

I'm a little creeped out that we have "lurkers" on SI.com that routinely report back to the Adultery Reddit sub. I'm not sure what the point of that activity would be but it's very shady.

In this case, I'm guessing it's confirmation bias. The title of this post is My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad. It's likely posted on reddit by a WW hoping their BH finds out about their affair, feels pain and regret over how he's treated her, and will now suitably amend his behavior to please her.

At SI we know this is ludicrous and unfair, but they've convinced themselves on reddit/adultery that it is solely the BS's fault [edit: that the WS cheated] and we [the BS] need to fix ourselves for them [the WS] to be happy.

There must be a fraction of our own WS's who had this view. We do see this attitude in a diluted form come into the WS forum occasionally. And usually it's from a WW.

In reality, that is the very same view that TheWrongOne received and accepted from his church and in-laws 15 yrs ago.

t/j edit:

If you are from reddit/adultery and have this view, I hope you will eventually realize you are giving away all power and responsibility to own your happiness, both to your BS and your AP. I'm sad for you.

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 12:22 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

The Wrong One -

Those people in that subreddit do not matter. They are actual terrible people who do not value respect or honesty and should be cast out to the fringes of society where they belong. You DO NOT have to defend yourself to them, or us for that matter. No one gets to judge how you respond to the ultimate betrayal.

FUCK THEM.

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 12:23 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

HouseOfPlane stole what I was going to say. And let me echo gemini12. You don’t need to justify your actions. None of us is a perfect spouse. Speaking as someone who’s professional decisions as a prosecutor were routinely mischaracterized, trashed online and in the press, my advice is to just do the best you can do and be true to your own values. The rest of the cheaters criticizing you, meh! Good luck.

Hi OP.

Fuck those liars on that cheating forum.

Don't ever attend another service from an evangelical church. I'd stay away from churches altogether for a year if I were you.

Star chambers... after your wife first cheated imagine sitting your wife in front of six posters from SI's Wayward Side forum. THAT might have actually helped your marriage.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 12:47 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]