SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are doing a good job shutting her down when she tries to worm her way back in.

This has got to be exhausting.

If she keeps the "I want to fix us" nonsense up, I've found a good response is taskings.

IE- Oh, you want to fix us...unlock your phone and hand it to me right now. Or...Let's call OM on speaker from your phone and I will tell him what you just told me about how I am the only one you love and how much you only want me...let's see what he has to say about that. Followed by...where is the timeline I asked for and the written apology to me and the kids for what you did...

That generally shuts it down.

WalkingHome

You are doing a good job shutting her down when she tries to worm her way back in.

This has got to be exhausting.

It is, it really is. I occasionally flash back to how I used to see her - the 'old her' and then I have to forcibly remind myself that she's changed. She doesn't care about me and all the shit she's done - if she cared her actions would show it. I think that makes it easier. Other times when I see her all I see is someone who is self absorbed and doesn't give the slightest shit if they hurt me or not. It's truly a weird dichotomy.

When she's crying or saying stuff I just think why is she putting up this front? Why the facade? Then I realize that it doesn't matter.

If she keeps the "I want to fix us" nonsense up, I've found a good response is taskings.

IE- Oh, you want to fix us...unlock your phone and hand it to me right now. Or...Let's call OM on speaker from your phone and I will tell him what you just told me about how I am the only one you love and how much you only want me...let's see what he has to say about that. Followed by...where is the timeline I asked for and the written apology to me and the kids for what you did...

That generally shuts it down.

Yup. I think I'm going to go the polygraph route - have you (her) talked to him? Did you fuck in the house? etc.

But, honestly, I just want to get through this. Just make it until tomorrow, you know? Just another day.

I am kind of worried about the COVID-19 thing and mediation. I think my stomach would jettison itself from my body if it got pushed back. I know all this shit takes time. It's just hard - even just walking in the house is difficult because of what flashes through my head.

LostOne:

This is a difficult lesson to learn because often times hurt people appear wounded...vulnerable...in need of rescue. This often triggers that nasty rescuer response.

The problem with that is akin to attempting to rescue a drowning person, in that often times the rescuer also becomes the victim.

Never forget this: hurt people hurt people.

Long after your STBX is your X, and you have begun to truly heal while getting back on your feet, let that saying be the bellwether for evaluating someone for a healthy relationship.

farsidejunky

This is a difficult lesson to learn because often times hurt people appear wounded...vulnerable...in need of rescue. This often triggers that nasty rescuer response.

The problem with that is akin to attempting to rescue a drowning person, in that often times the rescuer also becomes the victim.

Never forget this: hurt people hurt people.

This is very true - I know that I sometimes flash this sort of stuff. At those times I have to remind myself of how callous she's been for FIVE YEARS and the shit she had planned to pull on me while we 'went to marriage counseling'. On a side note, just because the memory irritates me, every time I say FIVE years she says something like 'that's not really accurate'. A pedantic correction as though that were the point. Maybe she's just gas lighting me. Whatever though.

Long after your STBX is your X, and you have begun to truly heal while getting back on your feet, let that saying be the bellwether for evaluating someone for a healthy relationship.

Yes, will do.

I need to evaluate my standards when dating, but that will be later. My focus is going to be myself and my kids.

I think it's pretty common to have those kind of flashbacks, TheLostOne. Something you could do is write out a bullet point list of all the "hurts" over those last 5 years or so as a reminder. If you were trying to R you wouldn't want to do that but you're not. Something suggested by my IC.

steadychevy

I think it's pretty common to have those kind of flashbacks, TheLostOne.

Okay - I thought so, it's good to have it confirmed though.

Something you could do is write out a bullet point list of all the "hurts" over those last 5 years or so as a reminder. If you were trying to R you wouldn't want to do that but you're not. Something suggested by my IC.

I've been doing something like that already; I'll write up and send myself an email when I start thinking about this stuff. That helps. I have a folder in my email that is pretty much devoted to it.

Next week is carpet cleaning and I will be moving some stuff out after that's done. That will be a positive feeling I think, maybe tinged with sadness, but not sadness for a non-existent future, but sadness of a past. Sadness of the idea of only being around my kids 50% of the time. Ugh.

I think this year is cursed for me. If I believed in curses and all that.

Anyway the COVID virus has now moved back the carpet cleaning and I'm getting paranoid that it's going to affect next weeks mediation. Already the kids are out of school so we'll have to find babysitters.

My wife has been on the anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medicine and it just seems to make her cry more. I am starting to grow concerned that when I move out that she will guilt the kids into sympathizing with her by all her crying and behavior. I'm not sure what I can do to mitigate against that though.

This shit is rough and that's why timing is imperative. The quicker things go for me the better but it seems like the universe is against me. I've just got to keep positive and focus on the shit I need to focus on.

Sorry to hear about the delays tif. Hopefully it'll only be 2 weeks at the most. Keep your head up. The universe is painfully against us all in various ways right now. Take care of yourself.

Dismayed2012

Sorry to hear about the delays tif. Hopefully it'll only be 2 weeks at the most. Keep your head up. The universe is painfully against us all in various ways right now. Take care of yourself.

Thanks man, this shit is so very hard. I realize that it's also character building, but jesus I just wish I could catch a break.

I also know that the current emergency is not about me at all and that it's selfish to think that, but still.

I realize that it's also character building, but jesus I just wish I could catch a break.

I also know that the current emergency is not about me at all and that it's selfish to think that, but still.

Man, I'm in the same boat. Trying to move into a new place next Friday, worried that will be delayed so I will have to continue to have contact with the ex. I was already struggling with isolation after the split due to being a remote worker - now, with the statewide restrictions, and likelihood of it getting worse, I'm on my own even more. Going out with friends, hitting the gym etc were the only things keeping me sane. Now I don't even have that. I am stuck in this Air BnB on my own, without any of my stuff, just staring at the same four walls.

Outoflove2020

Man, I'm in the same boat. Trying to move into a new place next Friday, worried that will be delayed so I will have to continue to have contact with the ex. I was already struggling with isolation after the split due to being a remote worker - now, with the statewide restrictions, and likelihood of it getting worse, I'm on my own even more. Going out with friends, hitting the gym etc were the only things keeping me sane. Now I don't even have that. I am stuck in this Air BnB on my own, without any of my stuff, just staring at the same four walls.

I'm sorry to hear that - isolation really sucks. I post here and write friends because of that. Right now I'm nervous about the gym closing down - I know it's coming. That was a stress reliever and made me feel like I was 'doing something' every day (or what have you) for self improvement.

I read your bio on your profile - it feels familiar. 2019 was a 'rough patch' for me too - of course that had to do with the cheating as I've come to realize. Also, my STBXW had been cheated on before (as it looks like your partner was) and it simply astonishes me that people who have gone through this pain can do it to someone else.

Right now I'm nervous about the gym closing down - I know it's coming.

Likely it already has happened. Gyms and bars were mentioned in the President's guidelines as targets for closing to maintain social distancing.

Ironically, both are prime outlets for help with affair recovery.

I'm in "judgement free" Planet Fitness. They are offering streaming workout services on a regular basis. You don't need equipment, just a TV that can show streaming video

Oh, I know we talked about it earlier in PM, they might be closing gun ranges, too!

Sigh...

KingofNothing

Likely it already has happened. Gyms and bars were mentioned in the President's guidelines as targets for closing to maintain social distancing.

True - I drove by there this morning though and it was open. I haven't drank anything since Dec 31st and I wasn't planning to until I'm out of the house. It's a goal I have, but it's difficult too.

Ironically, both are prime outlets for help with affair recovery.

Yeah, the gym really is for me. It's been helping a lot.

I'm in "judgement free" Planet Fitness. They are offering streaming workout services on a regular basis. You don't need equipment, just a TV that can show streaming video

Can you do deadlifts/squats (not on a smith machine) in Planet Fitness? I have it in my head that you can't. I typically don't make a lot of noise, but it's difficult to do deads without some noise....

Oh, I know we talked about it earlier in PM, they might be closing gun ranges, too!

Sigh...

That's another one that stinks. I have a bunch of ammo and that would be a good stress reliever.

TIF

I realize that it's also character building, but jesus I just wish I could catch a break.

I used to say to myself, "I know this is character building, but really G-d, don'tcha think I have enough already?"

redwing6

I used to say to myself, "I know this is character building, but really G-d, don'tcha think I have enough already?"

Exactly.

Also, for whatever reasons, the morning hours are the roughest for me. I'm feeling more optimistic right now. Time just seems to move so incredibly slowly when you're in pain. I know that once I'm out things will be better - yeah, still tough, but better.

The talking heads on TV are saying that we need to check in on everyone to make sure they are ok.

Soooooo...., how are you doing? What is the latest? What is she doing?

Be careful and stay strong

I'm doing okay. It's rough being in here. We are basically in separate room, minimal contact with each other. The mediator hasn't gotten back to me about the meeting next week. So that's concerning.

I did remember something the other day - a bit of trickle truth that she admitted to me. She said that her and the AP 'recorded' stuff. I'm not entirely sure how, it sounds like it was on his computer's web camera or something. She told me that she made him delete it all but she still has some videos on an digital cloud somewhere (not a 'share site'). She's not completely computer savvy so I just find this completely stupid. First, she believes that he deleted it - even if she 'witnessed' him deleting it, it's not like there aren't ways to recover that. Second, putting it on a cloud somewhere? Monumentally stupid. The whole thing. Whatever though, that's more stupid shitty choices from her. Once I'm out of here she'll have to live with that shit, not me.

She seems to have stopped crying, which is good - i'm guessing it's an adjustment to the meds. What this means is she's not crying in front of the kids anymore.

It still seems like the universe is shitting on me though. 2020 has been the worst year of my life and it just seems to be dragging on and on.

Edit: She just came in and we had a 'talk', not very long. She was going to the store for stuff. She made mention of refinancing and how she's planning to save whatever she's getting. I think she's getting maybe 2k or something from it, not much, but whatever. She was saying that she should probably save it for the lock down or whatever. I didn't press her because I don't really care what she spends it on. After that she said something like just because the world is ending that doesn't mean 'the train is stopping', because I'm a freight train - according to her. My pursuing divorce 'so aggressively' is an unstoppable freight train in her eyes. What the fuck ever - I know she was just trying to get under my skin. I just said that it wasn't stopping.

Never mind that it's been three months and she's done shit all - cause 'she's paralyzed'. I don't give a shit - she had an EA for 5 years and then a PA for 1 1/2 years. This isn't 'all of a sudden'. I also remember how she treated me for the last few months. Where is her 'paralyzation when it comes to anything regarding me or my feelings? Or the destruction of the family? She's able to act in her own interests just fine - but caring about other people, well now, that cripples her apparently.

It's fucking ridiculous egoism. Fuck that shit.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 7:36 AM, March 20th (Friday)]

After that she said something like just because the world is ending that doesn't mean 'the train is stopping', because I'm a freight train - according to her. My pursuing divorce 'so aggressively' is an unstoppable freight train in her eyes.

I don't get it. It's just like you've said... she had plenty of time, time while she was actively cheating and time after DDay while she was "paralyzed". But even if she hadn't... cheaters KNOW the risk. They KNOW the price of getting caught is divorce. And yet, it's not at all uncommon to see them acting like they're being victimized by the consequences of their own actions.

You're doing fine. Keep ignoring her jabs and keep venting it out here. Right now, it seems like this quarantine/limbo is never going to pass... but it will. Have faith.

ChamomileTea

I don't get it. It's just like you've said... she had plenty of time, time while she was actively cheating and time after DDay while she was "paralyzed". But even if she hadn't... cheaters KNOW the risk. They KNOW the price of getting caught is divorce. And yet, it's not at all uncommon to see them acting like they're being victimized by the consequences of their own actions.

It's because, in her mind, she's the victim. Fuck it pisses me off. It's all about her - not me and not the kids.

You're doing fine. Keep ignoring her jabs and keep venting it out here. Right now, it seems like this quarantine/limbo is never going to pass... but it will. Have faith.

I hear you and I do ignore her.

She wanted her cake and to eat it too, how dare I interrupt her fantasy with reality?

She wanted her cake and to eat it too, how dare I interrupt her fantasy with reality?

Exactly!!

This is still all about her. You had the audacity of taking away her cake. How could you be so mean?

Great update.

Continue to stay strong!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 9:16 AM, March 20th (Friday)]