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Newlifeisgreat

Exactly!!

This is still all about her. You had the audacity of taking away her cake. How could you be so mean?

Right? Never mind the Hell she's put me through - but I'm just something for her to use, not an actual person. She might think that because I'm not crying or yelling all the time that I'm fine. This is hard, I'm not fine, but I will get through this.

She wants me to feel bad for her. Fuck that noise. Did she feel bad for me, at all, throughout any of this? No, she did not.

Being philosophically charitable I will say that she felt guilty about what she's done. That still all about her though.

Great update.

Continue to stay strong!

Thanks!

This shit is hard, especially because of the kids involved, and the Corona virus.

On another note, I've lost over 50 pounds now. Over the last year and a half (what an interesting timeline!) I put on a bunch of weight. Now, that's not her fault, but her emotional isolation, distancing, etc certainly contributed to my depression.

I will use this as a lesson, if I 'sink' like this I'm going to examine whatever relationship I'm in.

Take advantage of that weight loss to go to the gym and build up muscle. You'll feel better physically and you'll feel better about yourself emotionally.

Yup, totally doing that. Actually that's how I've continued to lose weight. I've been eating right and back on my old programs.

Granted I did strain my chest/shoulder muscle doing bench press. I guess I was a little too eager.

Stay strong and do not let her manipulate you. You are not alone.

Thanks man.

I feel kind of mixed today - I think it's because I've been playing with the kids a lot and I'm worried about how all of this is going to change and effect them. I think back to the way she *WAS* and then think about what she *DID* and who she is *NOW* and I just get angry. Sad and angry. I'm pissed because of what she did to me - that's one thing, but she fucking fucked over the kids too. That's some bullshit. I'm trying not to think about it because I've got other things to do today.

I was in such a state of mind that I bought the movie 'Warcraft' because I thought that at $4.99 it was a good deal... Maybe she's been infected by the Fell? All kidding aside, my son likes the movie too so it's fine. I've never actually played the game though.

I know it's the uncertainty of the situation that's doing this. Because I know this I'm okay - if that makes sense. I know that once I'm out, once custody is worked out, and all that I'll be able to adjust and be better.

On a good note the mediator got back to me, video conferences! Via Zoom, which I've used for work, so that's good. I get through Tuesday (hopefully the last mediation, but possibly not) and then she writes up the legal document. We get an edit, and then sign it and I think we are done in so far as I can move out. We'll have a final step in submitting it to lawyers after a year (New Year's 2021) but that's fine.

Edit: Just wanted to add that I've been walking in the morning during the time that I would be going to the gym. It's not as effective as the gym, but I've been listening to the NoSleep Horror podcast, which I enjoy a lot.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 11:01 AM, March 22nd (Sunday)]

Just got out of the second mediation. I will probably have more of a breakdown/update later on. Basically we got it wrapped up in this one - so she's going to write up the separation agreement and she said that she should have that out to us in a few weeks. It's not terribly complicated, so that's good.

No tricks or anything and not a lot of stuff in contention. It was a 'heavy' meeting so I'm just trying to refocus and gather my self together. Ultimately this is what has to happen.

All in all this will have come out to just a little over $5,000.

Stay the course friend. You're going to make it. Kick, scream and cry if you need to. Just don't let anyone see you.

Nice job getting out of this so cheap!!

So, as I said, mediation mostly went well. I'm not complaining about the compromises. We both have right of first refusal - which means that if one of us gets a babysitter (because we are going out for over four hours) the parent without the kid basically gets the right to say they'd babysit. That hurts her more than it does me, in all actuality. That said, I think she was considering this because over the Summer she thought that my mother would be watching the kids - she'll be helping, but my boss has cleared my 'weeks' for me to work from home. That said, she often goes to concerts, so I should get the right to see the kids then - which I will take because I love my kids more than anything in this world.

I do have to pay some child support - I make more than her. It's a little over $100 a month. Couple that with paying my share of the children's medical insurance (and my own since I'm on her plan until next year) and I'm paying her something like $330 a month. It'll be 230 next year. Not a problem.

She's refinancing the house - she did confirm that she took the 401k from her mother (and possibly from a prior company) and cashed them out to pay off her student loans. Good for her. That's much more responsible than spending it on a Jeep which was her plan for the money a month ago.

The mediator should have the documents all put together in the next few weeks. Then we look them over, edit, and sign them. Then I move out. Then I will buy a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue and have my first drink of the year. I started this marriage, in 2003, with two shots of JW Blue and I will end it roughly the same way (granted, it will technically end when I file the legal documents after January 1st 2021, but I'm not quibbling).

I was talking with BR and a few others, it's not just since D Day that this marriage went shitty. It's been shitty because she withdrew affection, neglected me, disrespected me, and treated me like shit for the last few years. I probably mentioned this but last Summer I was ready to move out. We were basically roommates and I was trying to get things started. I had been trying. She was saying that it wasn't enough, that maybe the marriage was over, that I had changed, etc.

Yeah, you know what, fuck that shit - she was fucking cheating on me because she's a shit person, with shit principles, and shit morals. This wasn't on me. I'm not perfect, but I tried. She did not - she escaped her pain and her mid life crisis for attention from a shit bag. Good for her because if this is the 'new her' then I want nothing to do with it. Yeah, it's painful, but change is painful. Things will be better for me in the end. As for her, if this is how she deals with difficult times then I certainly don't want to fucking be with someone who flings pain out to the people that care.

On a side note we were talking about how to split up the holidays. On the major ones the parent without the kids will get them for four hours. We started to talk about New Year's Eve - actually it was my wife and the mediator, talking about the difficulty of it. I told her she could have NYE, I'll just pick the kids up on NYD in the morning and go from there.

Because really, I'm not celebrating NYE this year. I might feel different then, but I'm guessing it won't be one of my favorite holidays for a while.

Westway

Stay the course friend. You're going to make it. Kick, scream and cry if you need to. Just don't let anyone see you.

Oddly enough one of the things she has said to me in the past is that I don't seem to care. That I'm happy about all this. Which is fucking wrong - I'm not happy about all this, but I will be happy after I get through this. It just feels like a low effort blame shift to me.

DoinBettr

Nice job getting out of this so cheap!!

Well, considering I'm walking away from the townhouse it's probably not what some would consider 'cheap'. I just don't want to wait around for it to sell on the market, I certainly don't want to live there anymore - MOST of the time I've been there she's been cheating on me (roughly). It's just a bad memory trap. Plus, the kids get to keep going to their schools while I figure out my situation. I figure I get out of debt, save up some money, and then get something out in Ashburn. So if she loses the house, then the kids can still go to their school and live with me. I'm not sure what I'll get - i have time - maybe an apartment, condo, townhouse, I don't know.

I’m sorry it came to this LO, but I’m happy it’s settled.

She is truly lost. The disappointing part of all this is she had it in her power to do the right things and save her marriage. She made another bad choice not to research and try to do them.

That strongly tells you something. She didn’t want it enough. She wanted to protect her relationship with the POSOM more. And that will be what she is left with.

You are reading this all correctly now. So don’t second guess one bit. You have a better chance at finding happiness in life using the path you are now on.

You are a long way from the person you were when you showed up here 40 SI pages ago. You have a greater understanding of what is actually happening in your life and are now in control of where life leads you.

Well done on the mediation and good luck.

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Stevesn

I’m sorry it came to this LO, but I’m happy it’s settled.

It's just about settled, but yes. I thank you so much for your help - in the end she was not a candidate for the methods you suggested, BUT those methods did help me realize that (as did a lot of other people's valuable input).

She is truly lost. The disappointing part of all this is she had it in her power to do the right things and save her marriage. She made another bad choice not to research and try to do them.

Yes, she did. Actually she claims to have researched things, but was still acting on emotion. Whatever - she's going to do what she's going to do and it's going to bite her in the ass.

That strongly tells you something. She didn’t want it enough. She wanted to protect her relationship with the POSOM more. And that will be what she is left with.

Yes, indeed.

You are reading this all correctly now. So don’t second guess one bit. You have a better chance at finding happiness in life using the path you are now on.

As far as my relationship with her goes, you are correct. I am a bit nervous about the kids still. I THINK she still considers them and cares for them. I'm going to be on my guard about that. I have to be.

You are a long way from the person you were when you showed up here 40 SI pages ago. You have a greater understanding of what is actually happening in your life and are now in control of where life leads you.

Thanks man. I think it's too fresh for me to reread the thread, but I do intend to at some point.

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Well done on the mediation and good luck.

Thanks!

I have to say that I really think the particular mediator we had helped. She knew what I was going through and seemed to know a good way forward for the both of us.

Well done. It could have gone far worse.

Yes, that's true, it could have. I was kind of expecting it to.

So I have just a little more time and then it's going to be okay. That said, she's getting kind of weird. I fed the kids yesterday and she was in and out of the kitchen talking to my daughter. Apparently she's been saying that they might get a cat.

After all the shit she gave me about my son, his allergies, and my parent's place.

I felt like saying what the fuck but I just didn't have the energy. After I'm out she can do whatever she pleases - but if my son's allergies start acting up or what have you, if his health is on the line I'm going to change the custody agreement.

Just stand back and watch the crazy pop up from time to time, and keep a record of EVERYTHING she does, just in case there is reason you need it.

Just stand back and get involved when it is an issue with the kids

Not a true update, just some random stuff. The rooms at my parents place have now been painted, so that's good.

My STBXW and I are basically roommates that don't talk much. We did talk about the Summer and the plans for the kids. We both want them to continue to do something educational. So we talked about the books that we were going to get them. That sort of thing. We also talked about the 'potential cat'. I told her that my son should have 'cat free zones' or what have you and that his health had to come first. She agreed. I shared with her that the rooms were painted and that I'd be getting the carpets done soon. That was about the extent of it.

Over all I'm feeling pretty good about things. Surprisingly so - I was talking with a new friend of mine about things and aside from all that I've found out, my STBXW is a fairly selfish person. Just in general. Either I had a lot of blinders on during the marriage or she changed drastically in the last couple years. Either way it doesn't matter. My attitude towards my wife is strange - I feel like she's almost a stranger. She was tear-y at one point during the weekend and I didn't really care. I actually felt a little bad for not caring. I didn't do anything about it though.

I have to admit that I'm looking forward to being out and starting over again. The only thing that is worrying me is my kids. They already suspect this and all that, but I love them so much that I don't want them to be upset. Ultimately it can't be avoided. I think about it and what my STBXW and I are 'modeling' is sever dysfunction and we've been doing that for the last two(ish) years.

I feel selfish but I need this COVID emergency to be over. The more I'm out of the house the better - I feel more myself. I want to get back into the gym. Schedule stuff and stop working from home.

Whatever - she's going to do what she's going to do and it's going to bite her in the ass.

While this maybe true don’t expect her to learn from it.

Many don’t.

Surprisingly so - I was talking with a new friend of mine about things and aside from all that I've found out, my STBXW is a fairly selfish person. Just in general. Either I had a lot of blinders on during the marriage or she changed drastically in the last couple years.

Like a lot as you reflect back don’t be surprised that it was always there.

Marz

While this maybe true don’t expect her to learn from it.

Many don’t.

I think I'm either at the point or near the point where I don't care on a personal level. I don't want this shit filtering to the kids. So from that perspective I would like her to be a little less selfish. But her relationship with the kids is out of my hands - I can only protect them from her if I deem her dangerous to them. She's their mother and I expect her to fill that role on her end. I think she will.

Like a lot as you reflect back don’t be surprised that it was always there.

I think that there were shades of it always there. I don't think it was as bad as it is now. Regardless, that's going to be her problem to deal with.

I'm sitting here thinking about future relationships. Empathy is going to be important, as is creativity, openness, and knowing themselves. I think that a lot can be dealt with if you know yourself and you're willing to work.

One thing this all has taught me is that I will do what it takes to get out of a bad relationship. I've done the bulk of the heavy lifting here. I've put in the effort, done the research, paid what I needed to pay, and continued to move forward. Yeah, it hasn't gone as fast as I wanted, yes there's been stumbles, and it hasn't been easy, but I've been doing it. I feel pretty good about that.

You’ve gotten smarter and wiser.

You will be fine long term