SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks man. I think I will be fine - I'll be able to be content again. Right now I'm not - right now it's like I'm watching a movie and I'm almost done. I know the ending is going to be a good one, but I'm currently crawling through some slow exposition.

TLO,

My attitude towards my wife is strange - I feel like she's almost a stranger. She was tear-y at one point during the weekend and I didn't really care. I actually felt a little bad for not caring.

The opposite of Love isn't hate...it's apathy. You've finally exited infidelity. I'd still suggest some counselling, but you've made it to the other side. Congratulations!You've still got a tough road ahead, but it won't be nearly as bad as the past 6-10 months have been.

Oddly enough one of the things she has said to me in the past is that I don't seem to care. That I'm happy about all this. Which is fucking wrong - I'm not happy about all this, but I will be happy after I get through this. It just feels like a low effort blame shift to me.

Transference. Next time she says something like this just tell her that she stopped caring long before you ever did, and that she's not just a cheat but a hypocrite.

redwing6

The opposite of Love isn't hate...it's apathy. You've finally exited infidelity. I'd still suggest some counselling, but you've made it to the other side. Congratulations!You've still got a tough road ahead, but it won't be nearly as bad as the past 6-10 months have been.

Thanks. I did make a counseling session for today based on talking to my mother and my daughter. My daughter has been pretty much hold up in her room since the Covid thing, for the most part - she's been doing school work and talking to friends. I had this strange conversation with her where I felt like she was really talking about her mother and I. It was surreal. I feel like I haven't been paying enough attention to my daughter lately and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I know my road ahead is still difficult but I don't think it's going to be difficult because of any lingering feelings toward my STBXW. I don't hate her - I'm apathetic to her as you suggest. She's just another person. Which is kind of an odd feeling, but it is what it is.

I've recognized that I still have a lot of emotions though, but they are around my children, my future, and not screwing things up. I feel like I'm up and down.

Westway

Transference. Next time she says something like this just tell her that she stopped caring long before you ever did, and that she's not just a cheat but a hypocrite.

That's a good point and I'll probably do that. I think that would end the conversation quickly.

As to updates: Not much of one. I did buy my daughter a bed for her new room. So that should be arriving shortly. The rooms have all been painted.

So I think it's almost ready. I need the paperwork to arrive, get it edited, and sign it. I need this change to happen and then I can figure out how to start living again. If that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense!

You are doing great. Continue moving forward toward your new life without infidelity

Keep your head up and continue your walk out of the Hell she put you in. Be a role model for your daughter on how you should behave when you face such devastation. Be proud of yourself and refuse to accept what she has done

Just biding my time, basically - I did go over to my parents place yesterday. Took some stuff over there, not a lot. I had a good talk with my parents. My father's parents divorced and were a perfect example of bad divorce. Constantly bashing each other. So he gave me a good picture of what that does to kids. I appreciated that. He did say that he had a younger coworker that he was interested in hooking me up with. I told him that I wasn't remotely ready. My focus is on getting through this and being there for the kids.

I've ordered some more stuff for them so that's good.

The one drawback was that he did smoke in the house. That was really irritating. I talked to him about it. So that's going to take some work.

My STBXW has apparently been talking to her Godmother again. I talked with her a bit but stressed that it was over. She said that she just wanted to make sure that I didn't have any regrets. I told her that I didn't. I tried until I realized that it was a waste of time. I put it a little better though.

I did get to use a Stabbing Westward lyric...I kind of forced it in there, but whatever.

"If I'm to be lonely I think I'd rather be alone".

Basically I pointed out that my STBXW had withdrawn affection for two years and that continuing on with her would continue on with that pattern, so I might as well just be alone.

"My STBXW has apparently been talking to her Godmother again."

Obviously your charming wife is fishing to see if you are wobbling. Tell the God mother there are no more discussions about your marriage period.

Any chance of buying your dad “the Patch” or some other smoke cessation program? What better time to try and quit than when your grandkids are moving in?

BeyondRage

Obviously your charming wife is fishing to see if you are wobbling. Tell the God mother there are no more discussions about your marriage period.

I think it's either that or she's trying to shape the narrative. I told my STBXW to knock it off. She denied it but did talk to the Godmother, who confirmed for me and was absolutely confused by my STBXW's actions. She said that she just doesn't know her (STBXW) anymore.

Stevesn

Any chance of buying your dad “the Patch” or some other smoke cessation program? What better time to try and quit than when your grandkids are moving in?

Slim, but maybe. He's trying to switch to vaping. That would be much better and would serve as a good intermediary step.

I've ordered more stuff, I'm not sure what I've listed, but now I have a desk, the beds are all set, a side table for my daughter (son has one), a cloth shelved dresser for myself - first time I've had one of those. My mom bought my son a 'chair' because my daughter has one and she wants them to be equal. She also got them both posters that say something about them being strong and knowing their grandparents love them. So that's good.

I have a bunch of shit to put together now, but that's good. I like doing stuff that furthers the goal. I'm going to try to be minimalistic. One of the things that has irked me in the marriage is that my STBXW collects things and has a problem throwing them away. Plus the furniture is old, has stains from the kids, and all that.

I like the idea of a fresh start - for whatever reason I think it's going to be helpful.

You're on the right track with the "fresh start". After the fiasco with my ex, I redecorated my house inside and out. I also replaced crappy furniture we'd had for years, took the bed we shared to the dump, and replaced it with a much nicer one. A little painting too and the place felt fresh and clean and I felt fantastic. Changing your surroundings works wonders.

As do you, I have two D-Days.

There will not be a D-Day 3 for me either. At least not one without a formal split. Don't let there be one for you either.

Dismayed2012

You're on the right track with the "fresh start". After the fiasco with my ex, I redecorated my house inside and out. I also replaced crappy furniture we'd had for years, took the bed we shared to the dump, and replaced it with a much nicer one. A little painting too and the place felt fresh and clean and I felt fantastic. Changing your surroundings works wonders.

I've packed a few boxes and taken them over and I've bought some new furniture and stuff. The more I look around the more I think, do I really want most of this stuff? I don't think I do. I still have a lot of stuff to pack.

There's tons of pictures, I don't think I'll be taking any. I have a hard drive with pictures and I was thinking about printing some out of my kids if I get inspired or what have you.

FooledAgain2020

There will not be a D-Day 3 for me either. At least not one without a formal split. Don't let there be one for you either.

No, there won't. The more time that goes by the more that she's a stranger to me. She's like a room mate. I still get angry occasionally, but I think the problem is that I'm still 'waiting' to get the paperwork and leave. Plus the COVID thing. It's like my life is on hold.

I think back to when she went to her original counselor and came back with a list. For context, her counselor suggested we both make up lists of what we wanted changed. How fucking brazenly insulting. If we had shit to work on in our marriage, then that would have been appropriate. This was not a 'hey our marriage is failing' discussion. This was my STBXW abandoned her principles, morals, and empathy and cheated on me for years discussion. Yeah, painting the fence or whatever if really on the same level that.

You don't work on the marriage until that's addressed - IF you are going to have a marriage that is.

How conceited/selfish is that shit? Here I am, suffering through the abuse/trauma of infidelity and she's got a list of demands. How would the marriage have looked after that? Blah, whatever. Just mind mindbogglingly selfish.

I think I'll just either be by myself or I'll find a woman who, you know, actually cares about my well being.

You’re doing great.

Keep moving forward!!!

Just one thing... I believe your username is no longer appropriate!

Take care, and continue to be strong!

Newlifeisgreat

You’re doing great.

Keep moving forward!!!

Just one thing... I believe your username is no longer appropriate!

Take care, and continue to be strong!

Thanks man. I've been thinking about that - I don't want to change anything or what have you until I'm actually out. Which should be soon, I'm hoping. I still haven't gotten the draft of the separation agreement.

The mediator certainly cashed the check though...Whatever, I want it done right. If that means I have to wait, fine. I'm setting up where I'll be living in the mean time. The desk, dresser, etc don't arrive until late April. I've put together other dressers, side tables, etc.

Has the mediator given an estimated day you can expect it?

Not yet.

So...I was commiserating with someone on Reddit the other day, just going back and forth about cheaters and our situations.

Today I get an email from a producer of NPR's Embedded, wanting me to go on their program tomorrow.

I had to turn them down because I'm not even done with the mediation...But that was...very strange.

Too bad they don’t ask that of some of our seasoned veterans here.

I think NPR contacted me because I'm stuck in the house with her during the COVID thing.

The email said:

I'm a producer on a National Public Radio podcast called "Embedded." We're looking for (anonymous) stories about relationships during the pandemic. I came across your post about your separation and it felt like it totally illustrated the difficult situations people are in right now.

Any chance you'd be open to talking about it via phone sometime today or tomorrow? I realize that's really short notice -- sorry. We're trying to publish tomorrow. Again you could remain anonymous. We could also chat off the record first and you could decide after if you'd be comfortable going on the record anonymously. We can also remove identifying details specific to your situation.

LO

How’s it going. Any target date for getting out?

I hope it’s soon.

Stevesn

How’s it going. Any target date for getting out?

I hope it’s soon.

I contacted the mediator - she said it's taking longer because of COVID....? But it should be soon. So I SHOULD be moving out soon.

The fabric dresser came, so I'll be putting that together.

Here's an ODD update - this just happened:

Apparently someone texted my STBXW, it was like a cheating text; some dude sent his picture, said:

"hey sexy it's mark"

Asked if she was in bed and said he was horny for her. He mentioned her name specifically. I haven't seen him before and neither has she. She came up crying asking if I had done it or had one of my friends do it.

I said no - I had no idea what she was talking about. My immediate thought was it was her AP, since he's an immoral scumbag and would do shit like that.

There's only, like, two of my friends that have her number. I doubt they would have done it.

I was a bit suspicious as to whether she would have done it herself. I don't think she would have but I don't know.

The timing is weird - we heard from the mediator yesterday.