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BeyondRage

There is nothing to be fixed. She was banging another man every chance she got long term, got caught, REFUSED multiple times to stop seeing him or talking to him, and has told you not too long ago she could not stop, which has been backed by her actions. I hope you have not forgot all that shit.

No, I haven't forgotten at all. Not that it matters but she validated it by saying that there was nothing she could do to regain trust.

There is only ONE thing that has caused any change in her behavior and its called SELFISH. now that YOU have taken control and it effects her, shes all sad.

Yes, the realization that the world is about to change for her.

And you are supposed to learn to trust her with an OM less than an hour away who she is talking to daily ( and I'd bet my ass a polygraph would tell you that) who has the balls to send her flowers to YOUR home, which she just called "stupid" because your child saw the flowers. my bet is if she was alone you would have never known he sent them.

Honestly I don't think she's even thought that far ahead - I think she thinks that MC is magic. It doesn't matter though. Really her thought process isn't important at this point. I have to get my head out of her head.

You need to buckle your seat belt because this attempt at manipulation is just beginning. Next she will be wanting to climb in bed with you or she will offer to let you see or hear a NC communication, which after all the lying will mean nothing. Way too late.

Lost, you have driven the entire length of the field through a lot of pain. You are in the "red zone" if you follow football. DON'T FUMBLE THE BALL NOW.

I think you are correct. I think you are correct on another point you've been trying to hammer home - my thoughts should not be about the why/how or what she's thinking. I'm listening to that book now and he's essentially validating what you've been saying - it's fruitless to try to get into someone else's head and it just keeps you stuck there. My focus has got to be on my own healing. It's kind of like if you're drowning you can't help someone else stay above water - it's just going to drown the both of you.

I think I got upset, used that anger to feel better, and then it brought me down. That's a cyclical thing - it gets me nothing, at least not the way I handled it. If I use the anger and focus it on something more constructive then that's good. There's no point in trying to express my pain/anger on her. That doesn't help me and my path.

Oh man, I think your wife is being manipulative. If she knows about your mother’s suicide attempts, and she’s using that to gain sympathy... and then I kind of wonder if the whole thing about introducing the kids to her pedophile father is a tit-for-tat about your father’s smoking...

I’m so sorry she’s putting you through this.

Lost,

No, I haven't forgotten at all. Not that it matters but she validated it by saying that there was nothing she could do to regain trust.

She's fishing. Nice move not engaging her in conversation. Had you said something like making a NC call or communication she will agree now to placate you. She has had months of chances. Don't engage her and stop worrying about her Godmothers reactions. in the end, its her family, and just like your parents will help you, her relatives will not stay mad at her for long.

I think she thinks that MC is magic. It doesn't matter though. Really her thought process isn't important at this point. I have to get my head out of her head.

Correct me if I am wrong, but this is the same MC who told her it was OK just to stop seeing or talking to OM for a month or two. Let her keep paying this moron. Not your problem any more.

My focus has got to be on my own healing. It's kind of like if you're drowning you can't help someone else stay above water - it's just going to drown the both of you.

Well said. She can now have prince Charming to help her from drowning but my guess all he wants is between her legs.

Anger is not bad. Too many stay in denial . You have to get through the anger to get to healing.

Pandora16

Oh man, I think your wife is being manipulative. If she knows about your mother’s suicide attempts, and she’s using that to gain sympathy... and then I kind of wonder if the whole thing about introducing the kids to her pedophile father is a tit-for-tat about your father’s smoking...

I’m so sorry she’s putting you through this.

That's something I didn't think about - yes she knows about my mother. I didn't think about that. Honestly though, the two are night and day with regard to 'suicidal tenancies' and my mother hasn't had an episode in years (decades?). I have strong feelings about suicide - I do not think other people are responsible for someone else's suicide attempt. At all. If someone is lashing out and tries to drag you into it, you notify the authorities and walk away. Think about this, my wife knows these are my feelings about suicide.

With regard to introducing the kids to the pedophile father - that was something she brought up a year or so ago. It wasn't recent. I've brought it up recently as I don't think any contact with that creep is healthy and I especially don't think any idea regarding the kids and him is wise.

BeyondRage

She's fishing. Nice move not engaging her in conversation. Had you said something like making a NC call or communication she will agree now to placate you. She has had months of chances. Don't engage her and stop worrying about her Godmothers reactions. in the end, its her family, and just like your parents will help you, her relatives will not stay mad at her for long.

You are probably right with regard to fishing. I agree that her relatives will help her.

Correct me if I am wrong, but this is the same MC who told her it was OK just to stop seeing or talking to OM for a month or two. Let her keep paying this moron. Not your problem any more.

No, that was her IC who told her to try to stop talking to the OM for two weeks - the idea was start with a small time frame. It doesn't matter, she lasted something like 2 or 4 days.

Well said. She can now have prince Charming to help her from drowning but my guess all he wants is between her legs.

Anger is not bad. Too many stay in denial . You have to get through the anger to get to healing.

I think you are right about Prince Charming.

I agree with you if you use anger for constructive purposes as you seem to be suggesting. And yes, it's necessary for healing. It's a motivator. If you use it to try to pain the other person or something like that it just leads to a cycle. Anger is better than denial.

The author was talking about the cycle of using anger to get over the pain and then crashing and then using anger to get over the pain - but not actually doing anything to address the pain or change the circumstances. He was also talking about getting out of the victim mindset of 'this happened to me, you caused it, you must feel X amount of pain' (something like that), which doesn't actually help you heal.

Edit: So instead, you'd feel your emotions, you'd get angry, and then you'd address the underlying reason to make yourself better. So it would be 'you made me feel worthless, I'm going to take this anger and do something that makes me feel valuable' (that would be valuable to me, not to the abuser).

Edit (the sequel): One thing that I've been struggling with (albeit a lot less than in the beginning) is what to do with a mood swing. So if I get angry, I'd be apt to sit with it or try to take my mind off things or whatever. If I fail then maybe I talk with my wife and we get into an argument. None of those things is constructive or good. I need to focus the anger and heal the pain that the anger stems from. My focus needs to be different.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 1:08 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

This is ALL on her to repair.

This isn’t your mess.

Don’t let her narrative bring you down too

20yrsagoBS

This is ALL on her to repair.

This isn’t your mess.

Don’t let her narrative bring you down too

I agree with what I think you're saying - it would be on her to repair the marriage. I truly don't think it can be repaired.

That said, repairing myself and healing is something I have to do. It would be nice to get help, but that's not coming and I can't wait for it.

Next time she brings up suicide, don’t say anything to her, just call 911 immediately and have the EMTs out to the house and maybe bring her to the hospital for an evaluation.

Once this happens once, I highly doubt she will do it a second time

Also, it will probably help out a great deal when it comes to custody of the kids. What judge is going to be happy giving too much custody of the kids to someone that has recently been talking about killing themselves

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 7:39 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Newlifeisgreat

Next time she brings up suicide, don’t say anything to her, just call 911 immediately and have the EMTs out to the house and maybe bring her to the hospital for an evaluation.

Once this happens once, I highly doubt she will do it a second time

Definitely. If she had said it as though she was going to do it I would have called 911. Maybe it's a distinction without a difference but I didn't get the same sense that I would normally get in that situation.

Also, it will probably help out a great deal when it comes to custody of the kids. What judge is going to be happy giving too much custody of the kids to someone that has recently been talking about killing themselves

Now that's a good goddamn point that I didn't think about.

Got my heat steamer for my parent's place. Waiting on the tobacco remover chemical PassThis recommended (supposed to come Tuesday).

Edit: Not sure if I said this or not - but my dad is apparently serious about vaping.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 7:44 AM, February 28th (Friday)]

I had a passing thought to put it on a business card and then, in a Patrick Bateman voice, go on about how it's eggshell white when I hand it to her...

I just spit my coffee out all over my desk!

I'm reading your thread and have to say I am rooting hard for you. You're dealing with this Executor-class shit show in as impressive a fashion as possible.

Keep strong my friend!

DBFool2019

I just spit my coffee out all over my desk!

I'm reading your thread and have to say I am rooting hard for you. You're dealing with this Executor-class shit show in as impressive a fashion as possible.

Keep strong my friend!

I appreciate that - that said, I have stumbled a bit and gone a step forward and two steps back and all that sort of stuff.

There are no shortcuts, unfortunately. I've realized that I have some work to do on myself with regard to my pain, hurt, anger and that it's not just enough to let time pass. I have to actually do something.

I've thought about the final day, when I'm packed up. Looking my wife square in the eye, right before I leave, and saying:

"I have to return some videotapes."

"I have to return some videotapes."

Beautiful.

I pack up my shit

The tapes need to be returned

Snow falls on Fuji.

That's interesting. I'm going to need to have a talk with her anyway, I might say something like this I guess. I don't know if I can get 'reconciling' out of my mouth even if it's on the end of the D being final.

My brother, she told millions of lies over several years to put you into this dumpster fire, you telling one to get yourself out of it seems like a form of poetic justice!

"I have to return some videotapes."

Yeah, but.. how does she feel about Huey Lewis and the News?

DBFool2019

My brother, she told millions of lies over several years to put you into this dumpster fire, you telling one to get yourself out of it seems like a form of poetic justice!

I get what you're saying, but I'm not her. That said, I think after this week's incident she may just settle with 'being friends', which I consider a much more (far down the line) probability than reconciliation.

KingofNothing

Yeah, but.. how does she feel about Huey Lewis and the News?

Lol, I wish I had an excellent memory. I would keep my conversations as solely Patrick Bateman quotes...

Wife asks: "How are you doing?"

My response: 'I have all the characteristics of a human being: flesh, blood, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.'

Not much of an update - 'we' celebrated my son's birthday over the weekend - it was the first chance to take his friend with him to a bounce place. My daughter and her friend also went, so my wife and I took different kids and different cars - which was a good thing. We didn't really interact much - when we did it was about the kids primarily. That's how it's been - it's like roommates at best.

I did just get back from my parent's place. I took a long lunch from work - moved a bunch of stuff to prepare a room. I did get the heat fogger and the chemical for smoke. I realized that I need an extension chord, but I did test it out. It's pretty cool and effective. So this weekend I'll be spraying everything, lol.

That said, I moved a bunch of boxes, exercise equipment, and some other odds and ends in an extremely quick manner. So I got covered in sweat.

I've been talking to some friends and such, which definitely helps. One of my friends has suggested some sort of trip this Summer when I get situated, I will probably take him up on that. I have some other friends in North Carolina that I might go and see. I think I'm going to make an effort to see some of my friends that I haven't seen in a while. So, probably a trip out to Portland, a trip to NC, maybe a vacation with another friend.

.TLO, I don’t have much to say except I hope these transitions go smoothly as possible.

Oh, and I’m clearly ridiculously lost on movie references (my H doesn’t really like to go out much). So Google is my friend. Thanks for the grins.

One day at a time brother

Buffer

Make those trips happen, brother.

They will certainly be therapeutic.

ohsospecial

.TLO, I don’t have much to say except I hope these transitions go smoothly as possible.

Oh, and I’m clearly ridiculously lost on movie references (my H doesn’t really like to go out much). So Google is my friend. Thanks for the grins.

Yeah, I'm trying to make it smooth as possible. Conflict isn't worth it, engaging with her on complicated issues/feelings isn't worth it, I just have to focus on myself, my kids, and my future.

Lol WRT to the movie references.

Buffer

One day at a time brother

Thanks. I've been trying to change my mindset - typically time flies by quicker than I'd like. That's probably because I'm generally happy/content with a lot of my life (not all, clearly my love life is shit). That said, time is dragging slowly as shit right now. So I've been hanging out with my children a lot, talking to friends, etc. If it's going to drag then I want it to drag on happy things, if that makes sense.

My daughter was out of school yesterday - she spent the day at the mall with her friends. She picked up some small animal plushy-squishy things. She desperately wanted me to have one, so now I have this small little seal at my desk. She was also wearing the items of clothes that I got her AND the dresslily stuff sent me an email saying the order will be arriving shortly - from what I read online it's a scam, so I don't have high hopes. I'm going to take my son fishing again, if it's AT ALL warmer. So that'll be good.

During lunch I'm going to head to my parents place and clean up and prepare. I feel better when doing that. I still have to use the fogger, but I picked up an extension chord so that should be a lot easier.

farsidejunky

Make those trips happen, brother.

They will certainly be therapeutic.

I think they will. Plus, I'll schedule them on my off-children time, so that I can take the focus off of missing my kids. Who knows, maybe after they grow up I'll move out to one of those places. I've been considering it a lot. Right now I have enough to focus on - but I don't think I'm going to buy a place around here. I think I'll just rent. That could change.

I'll probably pack up some books this weekend. Maybe before the weekend. We will see. I don't want to take a lot of stuff over to my parents place just yet because the carpet people are coming on the 17th and moving a bunch of boxes would be a pain in the ass.

I still feel caged and that's throwing my emotions into a spin sometimes. When that happens I'll just start listening to the Stosny book - it helps me focus. I know it's emotional stuff. I feel the beginnings of a shift in my perception of my wife. For the longest time I've either been in love with her, angry at her, disappointed with her, etc. Now I still feel some anger, occasionally, some sadness (less and less) primarily because she's clearly got shit wrong with her in the head and she doesn't want to deal with it, and I've begun to feel this odd feeling. Like she's a part of my past, some how - it's almost like I'm letting her go. I know that I still have a lot to process - but I think this feeling will explode once I'm out of the house. I feel this almost resignation - it's more of an acceptance - the future that I had thought was never promised to me and looking at it now I realize that a lot of it was seen behind my 'marriage glasses'. It could be so much better. I have the inner drive - I just have to work on that. Motivation gets you up, but determination is what changes you and makes things better. I have both, but I need to keep the kindling of my determination going. I can have a much better life than I have now and a much better one than I thought I had prior to D Day.

This is what is interesting me. Yeah, I have miles to go - my legs are tired and my emotions frayed - but I don't think I'd want to go back even if I could wipe D Day away. The last few years of my life - her changes, her becoming less and less compassionate, is a shit-bar to want to have for myself. I don't want that. Plus with D Day? That's just more shit in the sandwich. I don't want that either.

I'm a simple guy. I like the things that I like, I get passionate about them. I have interests that I like to go after. My wife is co-dependent. There was a point in our marriage where we would make each other better people. We would build each other up. That point is long gone. Right now it's just tearing me down. We're both drowning, but I'm swimming to the shore and she's not doing shit. I can't save her - I could only drown myself in the attempt.

I've got kids - why the fuck do I want to be another bad example of a shit-couple staying together? My sisters in law provide those examples. I can provide a better example - someone who is content on their own, someone who has values/morals and sticks by them, and someone who isn't willing to sacrifice family, love, and another person's well being for a piece of shit.

Edit: The reason I'm thinking of this sort of stuff is because I got to the chapter in Stosny's book about 'reconciliation' and yeah, my wife is not a candidate. She has no compassion - at least none for me. I still want to believe she has compassion for the kids. I still see that, I think. That said, listening to that part in the book makes it crystal clear what a failure my wife has been in this regard. It solidifies what I've said about her - she's all words, no actual actions.

I think I'll listen to the book again, but next time I will skip that final chapter as it's not relevant.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 7:06 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]