ohsospecial
.TLO, I don’t have much to say except I hope these transitions go smoothly as possible.
Oh, and I’m clearly ridiculously lost on movie references (my H doesn’t really like to go out much). So Google is my friend. Thanks for the grins.
Yeah, I'm trying to make it smooth as possible. Conflict isn't worth it, engaging with her on complicated issues/feelings isn't worth it, I just have to focus on myself, my kids, and my future.
Lol WRT to the movie references.
Buffer
One day at a time brother
Thanks. I've been trying to change my mindset - typically time flies by quicker than I'd like. That's probably because I'm generally happy/content with a lot of my life (not all, clearly my love life is shit). That said, time is dragging slowly as shit right now. So I've been hanging out with my children a lot, talking to friends, etc. If it's going to drag then I want it to drag on happy things, if that makes sense.
My daughter was out of school yesterday - she spent the day at the mall with her friends. She picked up some small animal plushy-squishy things. She desperately wanted me to have one, so now I have this small little seal at my desk. She was also wearing the items of clothes that I got her AND the dresslily stuff sent me an email saying the order will be arriving shortly - from what I read online it's a scam, so I don't have high hopes. I'm going to take my son fishing again, if it's AT ALL warmer. So that'll be good.
During lunch I'm going to head to my parents place and clean up and prepare. I feel better when doing that. I still have to use the fogger, but I picked up an extension chord so that should be a lot easier.
farsidejunky
Make those trips happen, brother.
They will certainly be therapeutic.
I think they will. Plus, I'll schedule them on my off-children time, so that I can take the focus off of missing my kids. Who knows, maybe after they grow up I'll move out to one of those places. I've been considering it a lot. Right now I have enough to focus on - but I don't think I'm going to buy a place around here. I think I'll just rent. That could change.
I'll probably pack up some books this weekend. Maybe before the weekend. We will see. I don't want to take a lot of stuff over to my parents place just yet because the carpet people are coming on the 17th and moving a bunch of boxes would be a pain in the ass.
I still feel caged and that's throwing my emotions into a spin sometimes. When that happens I'll just start listening to the Stosny book - it helps me focus. I know it's emotional stuff. I feel the beginnings of a shift in my perception of my wife. For the longest time I've either been in love with her, angry at her, disappointed with her, etc. Now I still feel some anger, occasionally, some sadness (less and less) primarily because she's clearly got shit wrong with her in the head and she doesn't want to deal with it, and I've begun to feel this odd feeling. Like she's a part of my past, some how - it's almost like I'm letting her go. I know that I still have a lot to process - but I think this feeling will explode once I'm out of the house. I feel this almost resignation - it's more of an acceptance - the future that I had thought was never promised to me and looking at it now I realize that a lot of it was seen behind my 'marriage glasses'. It could be so much better. I have the inner drive - I just have to work on that. Motivation gets you up, but determination is what changes you and makes things better. I have both, but I need to keep the kindling of my determination going. I can have a much better life than I have now and a much better one than I thought I had prior to D Day.
This is what is interesting me. Yeah, I have miles to go - my legs are tired and my emotions frayed - but I don't think I'd want to go back even if I could wipe D Day away. The last few years of my life - her changes, her becoming less and less compassionate, is a shit-bar to want to have for myself. I don't want that. Plus with D Day? That's just more shit in the sandwich. I don't want that either.
I'm a simple guy. I like the things that I like, I get passionate about them. I have interests that I like to go after. My wife is co-dependent. There was a point in our marriage where we would make each other better people. We would build each other up. That point is long gone. Right now it's just tearing me down. We're both drowning, but I'm swimming to the shore and she's not doing shit. I can't save her - I could only drown myself in the attempt.
I've got kids - why the fuck do I want to be another bad example of a shit-couple staying together? My sisters in law provide those examples. I can provide a better example - someone who is content on their own, someone who has values/morals and sticks by them, and someone who isn't willing to sacrifice family, love, and another person's well being for a piece of shit.
Edit: The reason I'm thinking of this sort of stuff is because I got to the chapter in Stosny's book about 'reconciliation' and yeah, my wife is not a candidate. She has no compassion - at least none for me. I still want to believe she has compassion for the kids. I still see that, I think. That said, listening to that part in the book makes it crystal clear what a failure my wife has been in this regard. It solidifies what I've said about her - she's all words, no actual actions.
I think I'll listen to the book again, but next time I will skip that final chapter as it's not relevant.
[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 7:06 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]