SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah, sounds normal. Who wants to be alone?

My advice: Try online dating for a while. It can be a bit brutal to the ego (no replies, people ghosting you), but use it to go on a few dates and get back into practice.

Go with no expectations, other than this is going to be a one and done date (maybe it'll be more, but don't expect it). After a few women/dates, you'll be back in the habit. Maybe one of those you meet will pan out into more, may be not.

But that experience will give you more confidence as you date, and also help you to figure out what you are looking for in a new partner.

Good luck!

ETA: Google "fuck yes Mark Manson" and read the article. Good article about how to gauge where things are in a relationship (for you and your SO).

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:12 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Sounds like you're ready to me. I think your reasons are quite normal.

I dunno. The fact that I have to ask "am I ready to go find someone?" makes me think the answer should be no. After all, if I were ready, shouldn't I know it, or feel it, or something?

(that's assuming I have a handle on normal).

Clue me in, I'd like to be normal.....

Anyone striking your fancy?

Not in particular. There's a couple ladies I wouldn't mind getting to know better. But I don't know... Hell, how do you even know that someone's interested? I've been told I'm a little dense in that area.

Damn, your name is hard to type.

Yeah, sorry about that. Way back when I couldn't think of anything, so part of it is the initials of a college nickname, and now it's kind of permanent. TBK would do...

I tried to date my WW during the marriage but, in my mind, that's quite different.

Yeah, it would be. Much less risky. Less chance of rejection. Rejection isn't something I enjoy

it will be bad form to ask questions and then check the book

Hmm, I could summarize the points into a printed checklist then i could tick off the points during the evening. And if I laminate it, then it would be reusable.

It will have to be marital.

And that is part of the reason I'm questioning myself. I don't see getting married again. Kinda put off of marriage still.

Google "fuck yes Mark Manson"

An interesting read. I am not sure that I agree entirely with his premise that life is a black and white dichotomy. But still interesting. But there is a lot of grey in life. If I applied his advice to say my job, I'd probably never keep a job more than a few weeks. But he does have a point I think, just not such a yes/no, black/white one as he makes it.

Who wants to be alone?

Well, I've been telling myself that I kind of like it the last few years. I'm just not sure I entirely believe myself anymore. At least not alone every day.

It can be a bit brutal to the ego

Yeah, and so was high school, and I didn't enjoy that....

give you more confidence

And I guess that's the main issue I'm dancing around. Confidence. Or rather the lack of it. I think about finding someone, and then I think "why bother trying, you're just going to get humiliated repeatedly."

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 9:36 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

"why bother trying, you're just going to get humiliated repeatedly."

You realize this is just a matter of perspective, right?

Personally, I’ve enjoyed dating. I’m not an online dater type of guy. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet women in my everyday life. Though none of the relationships have worked into anything permanent, I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know these women. I’ve also enjoyed the companionship during my various adventures.

Turns out, the women I dated were every bit as concerned about taking the chance as I was. In the end, we had fun.

An interesting read. I am not sure that I agree entirely with his premise that life is a black and white dichotomy. But still interesting. But there is a lot of grey in life. If I applied his advice to say my job, I'd probably never keep a job more than a few weeks. But he does have a point I think, just not such a yes/no, black/white one as he makes it.

Actually, he does slide grey in there. It's subtle, but it's there:

Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship. You can be “Fuck Yes” about trying to fix things in an unhappy relationship because you can see future potential.

The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something (and it must be the same thing), otherwise you’re just wasting your time.

I'd say the advice is broadly: find someone (something) who you are enthusiastic about and who is enthusiastic about you.

Basically, trying to figure out if they "just are/aren't that into you."

The fact that I have to ask "am I ready to go find someone?" makes me think the answer should be no. After all, if I were ready, shouldn't I know it, or feel it, or something?

Clearly you're thinking about it, which indicates to me that you're at least as ready as ready can be. The only way to find out is to find out, you know? So, take it slow. Chill.

We live in a society with a 50% divorce rate so it's more than likely that there are plenty of divorced women out there thinking the same things you're thinking. Hell, there's even dating sites for people over 50, so I'm sure you're not alone in wondering whether or not you're ready.

The fact that I have to ask "am I ready to go find someone?" makes me think the answer should be no. After all, if I were ready, shouldn't I know it, or feel it, or something?

...or you're ready but fear rejection, just like in HS....

You're smart. You're employed. You're articulate. You're experienced in life. You have some interests that you're passionate about. You travel. You have a red sports car. That's a lot of stuff that will make you attractive to an attractive person.

Just sayin'....

It's all about framing it right in your head.

I've been single for 11 months since DDay. I too fear rejection. I don't trust anyone. I hear from so many women I talk to how unhappy they are in their marriages and it makes me fear ever putting my trust in someone again. Odds are they'll still cheat on you. Odds are it'll still eventually go tits up and you'll go through the same bullshit.

But it's on me that I'm not dating. I'm not even trying. I'm a habitual "fail before I've even tried" kind of person. Even after 30+ years, I still haven't internalized the lesson that I've learned time and again: just dive right in and deal with the problems as they come, you'll likely still do fine and you'll feel better for it after it's done. I've gone down so many paths that I was hesitant to walk, but after I finally chose to walk them, it turns out that they weren't so bad and in fact were actually pretty fulfilling.

So I understand the apprehension to put yourself out there and I'm stuck in that mindset myself. But really, if you want to go date, then the answer is simply go out and do it. Join the stupid apps. Start casually approaching women while in social situations. Continue improving yourself to get your confidence up. Learn to love rejection because there's probably a lot of it to wade through along the way. It's work and for those of us who haven't had to think about dating in over a decade, there will be a lot of bugs to fix before we start hitting pay dirt. But we accomplish nothing by sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves.

Plus, and this is probably cynical, we already learned the most valuable lesson here: nothing lasts forever and most people are shitty partners on a long enough timeline. Once you've swallowed that down, it should take the edge off of things. We don't have to hang onto some belief that we absolutely must marry the next women we're into. We'll probably be more guarded, but that's a survival skill that we should all probably carry with us going forward. We can enter into the dating scene with abysmal expectations and when we finally find someone worth a damn, it'll make it all the more satisfying.

Actually, he does slide grey in there. It's subtle, but it's there

Fair point, and my quick read probably didn't do it justice.

You realize this is just a matter of perspective, right?

Maybe. But I'm probably biased, or at least nervous

the women I dated were every bit as concerned about taking the chance as I was.

Hmm... Good to know. So you're saying women have anxiety too?

Clearly you're thinking about it

the thought crosses my mind from time to time. Mostly some evenings when I'm sitting here by myself and say "Gee, I wish I had someone to share this with."

Hell, there's even dating sites for people over 50

I try not to think of myself as "over 50" too often , it depresses me.

...or you're ready but fear rejection, just like in HS....

To the heart of the issue, as always, Sisoon. That's why I like your posts....

You're smart. You're employed. You're articulate. etc, etc

I'm at least average, I am employed (at the present), I'm not what I'd call "articulate" but I can hold a conversation.

You have a red sports car.

And it hasn't scored me any yet And I've had to drive it to work the last two days and another tomorrow to boot while the daily driver is in the shop for a grand worth of front-end work. And parking amongst all the young, pretty, not-giving-me-with-the-top-down-and-cool-sunglasses-on-a-second-look court clerks, stenographers, legal aides, whatever they are (our building shares a parking deck with the courthouse next door) every day.... Nada.

after I finally chose to walk them, it turns out that they weren't so bad

I've found the same, the fear is worse than the reality. But, there I am.

But we accomplish nothing by sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves.

I've done enough if that for a lifetime over the last five years. I try and avoid it but am not always successful.

We don't have to hang onto some belief that we absolutely must marry the next women we're into.

Not sure that marriage is the ultimate goal. I understand that most think of it as the logical continuation of a relationship, but I am not sure that I want to entangle my fiscal future with someone else's again. That lesson was painful and expensive and makes me more than a bit gun-shy. And I am sure that will cross me off the list of a lot of women, but that's where I'm at.

I know, if I want to date women, I should go date women. but I don't even know where to start. It's not like they're wearing signs that say "I'd be open to going to dinner" or something. Yes, yes, sign up for apps..... That seems to be the way it's done nowadays.

I still haven't given up my thoughts of moving back to Germany, It's just delayed while my dog fights her losing battle with liver cancer so there's that out there too. A relationship would either have to come with an expiration date or a willingness to relocate somewhere where she (probably) doesn't speak the language.

Now it's time to sit out on the deck with a beer and a fine cigar. Let's see, Hoyo, H. Upmann, or Cohiba? Choices, choices....

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 7:47 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Have you looked into the New Beginnings forum?

I always thought a red sports car was the key to an endless stream of women.... Maybe it has to be a red MG-TC/TD/TF. Or an XKE or 300SL of any color....

I always thought a red sports car was the key to an endless stream of women.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong......

Maybe it has to be a red MG-TC/TD/TF. Or an XKE or 300SL of any color....

Always really liked the looks of the MG line, all the way through the MGB. Problem with those (MGB) was if you were going further than across town, and maybe even then, you had to tow a trailer with another MG on it for backup.

Ah, the E-Type.... such lines.... such a price..... They seem to be going for $75-90k.... Not exactly in my price range . I dont even want to know what a 1955-60 SL goes for.

Buddy had an XK-8 that he had shipped in from PA. He kept it for a year and replaced it with a Mustang because the jag was in the shop too much. Apparently they build them with the check engine light permanently on. We still let him come to the meetings.....Mostly because if we kicked him out, there'd only be two of us

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 11:12 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

My brother started his writing career with stories about his mishaps with his MG....

My brother started his writing career with stories about his problems with his MG....

My brother used to own an MGB GT. One of his favorite jokes was: Why do the British drink warm beer? Because Lucas electronics makes their refrigerators!

I always thought a red sports car was the key to an endless stream of women.

Really? You mean my 2004 Corolla isn't the reason so many women throw themselves at me?

My dad had a 1972 Olds Cutlass convertible. If I remember correctly, he'd bought it new (I was 5yo). He saved that car for eleven years and let me drive around, as my own, when I got my license. One of these days I'd love to find one of those beauties and fix her up.

As for "my" old car, my folks got divorced shortly after I enlisted in the Navy. Mom got the car in the D settlement and then sold it to her BIL. One day, several years later, my uncle called me and told me that the car had caught fire. A total loss. Heart-breaking story, isn't it?

My brother started his writing career with stories about his problems with his MG

That must have been quite a thick book.....

The bit about a "trailer with a spare MG for backup" was told to me by an MG owner at a car local car show when I stopped to admire his very nicely rebuilt MGB. And then he showed me his trunk full of spare parts. And the trunk full of spare parts in the car next to his. Everything from hoses to belts to wiring to brakes. Apparently they traveled in packs, that way they didn't need to have a physical trailer, each person just carried their share of a spare MG in their trunk....

As for "my" old car,

"My" car was a 1970-something Chevy Impala. With a trunk that would carry two 10-speed bikes, or four bodies, and still close, and a gas gauge that you could watch move towards E if you did more than glance gently at the accelerator. It was dad's father's car and he bought it from the estate after his mother died. Anyway, it got sold after I left home, under false pretenses, to a friend of my little sister's who supposedly "needed a car." It got used for a demolition derby car........

I've been hooked on all forms of cars since my teens. My first car was a gorgeous Italian model. A FIAT.

The body started to rust long before the last payment was due, I sold it for about the same amount as that last payment.

It sure wasn't what I thought it was!!! Like my spouse.....

I could never afford a sports car those days and then I got married. Classic cars were off the table while the family was growing up.

I became seriously interested in MGB GTs and have looked at a few of them. Even thought of dropping a small block V8 into one.

The last MGB GT put me off so MGB's so completely! The seat was quite broken, once I got in I struggled to get out - it felt so claustrophobic.

Since DDay I felt I needed something to take my mind off YKW (YouKnowWhat).

I have a 15 mile skippers license and a rubber duck boat but spouse does not like to go to sea.

I did an introductory trainee flight in a Cessna, I would like to continue but it works out expensive in the long run.

SO right now struggling with the POLF and still looking for something to take my mind of...YKW.

Please Guys, any suggestions? I have tons of beer.

Bicycle?

I ride a bike from 1973, and I love it, but new bikes are very cool, with integrated braking and shifting, index shifts, modern 'saddles' (technically saddles, but they're installed on 'seatposts' that fit into a 'seat tubes'), new materials, wide range gearing, etc.

Cost of entry for a good, reliable new bike probably starts in the $500-$1000 range. Good brands include (in no particular order) Trek, Specialized, Giant, Cannondale, Jamis, Felt, Fuji....

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:16 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Bicycles, I've had a few.

Cycling is great, from an early age I've always enjoyed the sense of freedom & discovery it gives.

However, a friend got taken out in a hit & run. That put me off cycling on my own. It can be a bit dangerous traffic wise. It just feels more secure when you are in a group with others, if you can keep up....

But the beer always tastes great afterwards!

You get battery assisted these days - very neat. Great for hills & goes like shit.

Yeah, you have to be careful when riding. I stop at red lights and wait for green. I slow down for all stop and yield signs, unless I have a very wide unobstructed view. I stop at stop signs if I see a car coming that can possibly hit me. Even if I 'know' I can get through the intersection, I can do so only if nothing on my bike malfunctions, and I have gotten stuck a quarter way through an intersection.

I'm not ready for e-assist. It's pretty flat here. On my most usual 20 mile route, I go up and down less than 350 feet. When I go East to, say NYC, I install a much smaller chainwheel, so I get much lower gears.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready for e-assist, but if I win a lottery jackpot, I may go for a new bike with electronic shifting....

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:05 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]