SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like Cap'n Rogers,over the years I too have been presented with opportunities, multiple opportunities, some nuanced and some quite blatant, to become sexually and emotionally involved with various women, particularly through work interfacing and occasionally through my hobbies: dancing, birdwatching, photography and cycling.In the final analysis however, it comes down every time, to exercising self respect, emotional maturity and a determination to both honour my wedding vows and spare my WW the devastating pain of disclosure of an affair, even though none of these considerations prevailed when she began drinking after work with a group of colleagues which included a couple of predatory supervisors and almost inevitably crossed boundaries which led to a motel tryst and a 15 month affair.
Decades have passed since my WW's affair, and I confess that from time to time, I have thought I was a naive chump to pass up on what was freely offered to me, often by attractive, interesting and vivacious women, but no, I do not regret being loyal and true to an adulterous wife. We have come to as best a Reconciliation as one might ever achieve after infidelity, A true spiritual, mental and physical intimacy which made forgiveness that much easier of gift of grace to offer he, and I am glad she has responded so positively.

I am fortunate enough to be built like Marilyn Monroe. And I get hit on all the time. Before the LTA, during the LTA, after the LTA.

And every time I turn them down politely. Every single time. I'm pleased to report most of them accept the polite (at first) decline.

Yes, I do let WH know. In fact many times he is standing next to me when it happens. Why people can't see or respect the rings I wear is beyond me.

IDGAF if they look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian or Jabba the Hut. Because the idea of being unfaithful was and still is repulsive to me.

AFTERTHOUGHT - since DDay, when this happens, I wonder to myself if some of these people have heard talk and rumors of WH LTA. And if they trying to set me/him up in a way. Just to see. That used to be a HUGE trigger to me. Then I realize, if someone is trying to play such a sick game - that's on them. I can only control me and my response. And that has remained the same for decades. No thank you.

I knew there were people who liked me and probably would have had an affair had I been willing. But of course I never entertained it as a good person type of thing. And of course I told my wife this too, as it's impossible for me to have an affair. though after her affair I realized we are fundamentally different people, good and bad.

[This message edited by Dontgetit4 at 12:19 AM, Friday, March 24th]

I've always had more male friendships than female friendships. I have 5 siblings - all male - I'm the only girl in the family. Maybe it's because my earliest friendships were my brothers and that was just the norm throughout my entire life - even now. And there have been multiple opportunities to cheat. I just never did - I had boundaries and I was faithful. Also my WH was in the military for 23 years - which meant a few things, #1 we were around a lot of single soldiers and #2 my husband was in an elite subsection of the military and as such he was often deployed. I have seen my fair share of "trailing wives" whose spouses were deployed and as distasteful as it was, many took this as an opportunity to cheat while the spouse was deployed. I did not - I could never do that. I remember in 2012 after Dday when we separated and he had filed for D - I was a hot mess; I couldn't go 10 minutes in conversation with someone without crying. I hurt so bad. After my WH retired from the Army his transition to civilian life was so rough - and we had joined a PTSD recovery group for combat vets and spouses of combat vets at a local church. After Dday he stopped attending the group meetings w/ me - one night I was lamenting the fact that WH was out and about having fun and whatnot while I was suffering and in pain, crying and barely functioning. One of the group members said he'd be happy to drop by my house and take me to coffee or lunch. Without even thinking I said yes that would be nice. And then the group leader said - wait a new york minute - no, no, nope. That would not be appropriate. My whole world had been turned upside down and inside out and I didn't even realize in that moment that the person asking to take me to coffee was actually hitting on me. Huh. It took the group leader to snap me back to my senses and I was like, yea, no, that would not be a good idea. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and that would not have been appropriate.

Thanks to all posters for telling their experiences. It feels good to hear that people can resist infidelity temptation and this totally falsify claims like "Everybody cheats when provided with opportunity". Or "Infidelity is symptom of a bad marriage". Etc etc

Common thing I found in all your stories is that all of you has great self respect and sanity of mind to see what this act of infidelity could do. But I have to ask, have you ever been vulnerable or in crisis because of factors like depression, loss of loved ones, financial problems etc etc. Lots of people seems to cheat when they were at this stage of life. So, have you ever been vulnerable or in crisis and then someone reached out to you with an excuse of helping you but with predatory ulterior motives? If yes, how did you resist that temptation when you were so vulnerable? Was saying 'no' that easy as it should be when you were so emotionally vulnerable and looking for a temporary distraction/exit to escape the crisis you were facing?

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:00 AM, Friday, March 24th]

You seem adamant to find that crack where unacceptable becomes acceptable. No amount of hardship can make one cheat unless one chooses to.

A couple of years before my xWW cheated, we had 2 very young toddlers, which was stressful on its own. I felt neglected and confronted her a few times over a year about my needs, but our pattern was that whenever I said a word that was not a praise, she became defensive that she was doing so much for me already (raising kids and household duties 2/3 of the time), so eventually I gave up completely on any demands. It didn't help that my emotional intelligence was close to a level of a stone, I couldn't express my feelings clearly back then.

At some point we had a new colleague in my team, and she had the same smartwatch as I did (when smartwatches were a novelty). We instantly connected on that . After a couple of weeks, I was hit with so strong of a limerence that I was in literal pain when she wasn't in the room. I felt my mind got broken - one part was thinking normally - "I barely know her, I don't even like her that much", while another was screaming "Tell her, be with her, she is your life!!" and felt such pull towards her as if she was some kind of magnet.

I never had any doubt that this was a delusion, and I had zero intention to act on it. Besides a few work lunches which were friendly and professional, nothing happened. My wife knew about her and our lunches. But the battle in my head was of massive proportion, and that part I kept to myself.

After 2 months, I went to run another company for unrelated reasons, and my limerence subsided a couple of months after. My biggest mistake was that I didn't tell my wife. First, the new job was a disaster, and I wasn't sure whether I was feeling bad about that or the limerence. Also due to her defensiveness, I did not want also my weakness to be used against me. But it eroded our remainder of trust and connection. I did tell her two years later, and yes, she used it against me after her A - "My A was a result of our relationship and your infatuation".

[This message edited by ZDZD at 10:01 AM, Friday, March 24th]

Hi

My WH worked evening shifts (2:30 until 11pm) so until we had children I had so many opportunties to cheat. Home alone most nights.

I always had strong values.

I was hit on so many times I couldn't count them. Doezens if not hundreds. I am 6 foot and was (I think still am) very attractive. I always pretended I didn't "get" the suggestions/insinuations and made a hasty retreat.

My WH was meeting his OWs during the day when I was at work!! For most of our 28 year marriage. Now I know why I arrived home most days and the breakfast dishes weren't done. I used to think he was lazy. Now I know he was busy!!!

Since Dday 13 years ago, I have had lots of opportunities. Not something I would do.

I live by the motto "Integrity is doing the right thing while no one is watching".

I will die knowing I never cheated. Helps when I feel like sh..t because of what he did.

Hugs

ZDZD: Sorry if I sounded like someone trying to find a way to justify affair. No, that's not my intention. There is no justifying ground for infidelity.

Someone in another thread mentioned that, "We all could be vulnerable to committing infidelity." They said, "Lots of bad drivers don't meet accidents in their life. That doesn't mean they are good drivers and are safer." This really stuck with me. It's possible that I could be a bad driver and be oblivious about it because I haven't met any accidents. So, I just want to know the qualities of good drivers and how they avoided accidents in their life. To see if I possess similar qualities to verify my status as a driver. If I am a bad driver, then I will work on myself to become good and safer before my luck runs out.

I am really sorry for what you went through. It's sad and infuriating that your wife blamed you for her affair.

"My A was a result of our relationship and your infatuation."

By this logic, AP's wife must have done something to your wife that resulted in your wife's affair with her husband. Such delusional people!!
Strength and hugs to you sir.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 10:42 AM, Friday, March 24th]

Laura28: when you are emotionally secured and confident about yourself, you don't seek external validation or be too flattered by it. And that level of emotional stability can only be achieved with strong values and self respect. There is so much bliss in this.
I know you don't need my validation but still I will say this,"You are greatly valued and highly appreciated for the path you chose".
Hugs.

To your follow up questions - I had something long typed out but in the end it boils down to this:

In a time of great crisis, I buckled down and turned towards my inner strength and my husband, he turned towards escapism and a LTAP. We are not the same.

ANY bullshit excuse for an affiar is just that. Bullshit. You always have a choice.

Never had the temptation to stray. I gave my word on my wedding day, and my word means something. To break my word, who would I be then. I’ve always wanted to be, and be considered a good trustworthy person, not only to the ones I love but to friends and colleagues as well. It’s hard to earn trust, easy to lose, and nearly impossible to regain once lost. I never want to go there.

But I have to ask, have you ever been vulnerable or in crisis because of factors like depression, loss of loved ones, financial problems etc etc.

Shortly after our 10th anniversary, I was sent out of town by my employer for 14 weeks of training, with a trip home after 8 weeks. I became infatuated with a classmate and had a terrible time internally. For example, on one hand, I fantasized leaving my W for her; on the other, I knew that was crazy.

I was making money on the per diem, so I flew home for the weekend after 4 weeks of class. The instant I saw my W, I realized I just missed her. The object of my crush was great (very smart, very sexy, funny, etc., etc., etc.), but ... I just missed being with my W. BTW, no PA, no EA - my crush was one-sided.

When I went back to class that Monday, my crushee, another attractive, smart woman, and I were assigned to be a lab team. I told them about my great weekend and showed a couple of photos of W and son. As a team, we excelled and had a great time, too. Seeing my W ended my crush.

Later I had a lot of out of town assignments. When I found a woman to be attractive, I took that as a sign I was missing my W. No more crushes.

What if I hadn't flown home after 4 weeks? My crush would have probably persisted, but I probably wouldn't have cheated. I didn't think I could keep an A hidden; I didn't want to deal with the fallout of cheating; and She was hooking up with someone else anyway.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:44 PM, Friday, March 24th]

Being a bartender years ago I would get hit on constantly. Yes you smile and joke around because it puts money in your tip jar but there was always a limit. Boundaries that I made very clear. I was my WH's girlfriend at the time and respected our relationship and if anyone did ask me out they were rebuffed. I was taken. Period.

What shocked me was a mutual male friend I confided in shortly after Dday and almost immediately he began flirting. Perhaps thinking I was looking to have a revenge affair which I wasn't. I don't have the time, desire or energy to have an affair with anyone especially a married friend of ours. He got the message pretty quick and stopped the flirtatious texts.

Someone I dated a few years before I started a relationship with my WH is friends with me on FB. He was a jackass when we dated and apologized profusely for his behavior and I accepted that. He has oddly tried to bring up a specific memory he has of us having been intimate when dating, and my response is sorry I have no recollection of that (I honestly don't) and I can almost hear the ego bubble deflate. It's like ok you know I'm married, stop the nonsense.

Point is we all face temptation and opportunities throughout but it all comes down to you, your boundaries, your moral compass and your loyalty. Anyone can find someone to cheat with it's really not difficult to do. I still couldn't cheat on him despite my marriage meaning nothing to me at this point because it's simply not who I am.

I’ve been meaning to respond to this thread and finally have a minute, but haven’t read the most recent responses so forgive me if I missed something major. I must also admit that I’m a little nervous to press "submit", for fear of backlash….

I have had no shortage of opportunities to cheat over the years. I think it’s just a function of being an attractive, outgoing woman living in an urban area. Some of the guys (and gals) were attractive, some less so. There were a few I even felt that mutual attraction "ping" with. You know, that rush you get when you have chemistry with someone? In all these years, I only ever considered pushing the line once. It just so happened to be during a time period where I was feeling particularly low about myself and I felt like I needed or even deserved a win. Looking back, I don’t think the timing was a coincidence as there was certainly nothing special or significant about the person. In other words, I think I was in a particular headspace at that time, that made me vulnerable to the lure of external affirmation. Thankfully I came to my senses and never crossed any lines, but I must admit, I can see how it could happen to someone a little less righteous in the right set of circumstances.

There are a lot of people here that say that they would never have cheated, no matter what the circumstance. I think that’s probably true for some people. I don’t know if it’s true for me though. Pre-A (pre-therapy) me, was much more lax about boundaries and was more apt to externalize my negative emotions. I’m also ADHD and very drawn to novelty and excitement. I can see how that combination of factors could have been potentially problematic.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that I would have cheated had my husband not done so first, just that I don’t think that I was entirely invulnerable to it (despite being outspokenly and morally opposed to it). My take is that most cheaters don’t set out to cheat, and some just find themselves a step too far down the slippery slope.

I DO think that understanding this about myself and how it could happen, has made it easier to understand (and even empathize with) why my husband made the incredibly harmful choices he did, at the time that he did. I suppose that this made reconciliation easier for us.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 11:19 PM, Friday, March 24th]

"So, have you ever been vulnerable or in crisis and then someone reached out to you with an excuse of helping you but with predatory ulterior motives? If yes, how did you resist that temptation when you were so vulnerable? Was saying 'no' that easy as it should be when you were so emotionally vulnerable and looking for a temporary distraction/exit to escape the crisis you were facing?"

I didn't feel any temptation because I just thought "wow what a dumb whore" but if I did I would be incapable of acting on it. Lots of people make excuses like they were vulnerable or some family issue they had or something mentally "helped" or "opened the door " or "made it easier" to cheat when that's just silly, like laugh out loud silly.

It's a moral issue, not an emotional, mental, or whatever else issue.

[This message edited by Dontgetit4 at 6:49 AM, Saturday, March 25th]

^^Actually, it's all of those.

I was a mgr at a call center of over 800. Only 2 people were over me so I think that made me a bit more attractive to the women there bc I got hit on a lot.

One girl that worked directly for me was wrote a bit younger than me... maybe 15 years younger, she aggressively pursued me. She was stunning, absolutely gorgeous. She now makes her living as one of those IG influencers. Anyway I took lunch everyday in our cafeteria at the same time with a buddy of mine. It got to where she was always there at the same time as us and she come sit next to me. My buddy told me she was after me but I didn't believe it. I mean...why?!

But he was right. She tried to get me to have sex work her at a work party. Didn't happen. Wasn't even tempted. Sure I recognized that she was totally gorgeous and it was a bit of an ego boost that she wanted me, but I'm married, I love my wife totally and completely and I would never hurt her.

She continued her pursuit of me for the few months until the call center went under. I was never tempted at all.

Nah it's just moral

I feel that for many morality is a luxury that they can afford only when things are going well for them. The moment things go bad, they start doing crazy immoral things. Affair is one such thing. Sticking to your integrity and moral compass even when you are in your weakest and struggling days shows the strength of your character.

emergent8: "The lower we feel about ourselves, the more special these APs appear to us." I agree there a BS who were as vulnerable as their cheating spouses. They exhibited the same red flags as their cheating spouses. But, affair of their partner helped them to recognize these traits and eliminate them before they did the same thing.

It's easy to say 'no' when you were not tempted but to say 'no' when tempted could be particularly very hard thing do. I am glad you were strong enough to say 'no'.

For those who said they were never 'tempted':

Even WS, especially women, get hit on all the time. Many of these pursuers are pretty good-looking, too. But WS don't say 'yes' to all of them. Heck, they even show their ring and say, "I am taken". But, then comes AP, and for some reasons they couldn't say 'no' this time. I believe in previous cases, Waywards didn't feel the temptation. So, it was easy to say no. But, when AP came, they experienced a strong pull that they had never experienced before from other pursuers. So, may be it is possible that none of the guys that hit on you were your AP. And that may be the reason why you never felt 'tempted'. I don't think pursuers being 'beautiful', 'gorgeous', etc, is enough to feel tempted and risk everything for them. I don't mean to say that if you were tempted, then you would definitely cheat. I am sure many of you would definitely say 'no' even when strongly tempted, but I am sure it wouldn't be an easy 'no'.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 10:50 AM, Sunday, March 26th]

Morals are strongly tied to our emotional and mental situations. So to say that it's only a morality issue and not any other outside influence is a little silly to me. A large percentage of people who cheat would have considered themselves moral people prior, but when you create a perfect shitstorm of emotional or mental distress, bad choices happen in many of these cases.