SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

siracha, you have a pm.

mod please: landclark's post should be edited as well. DISRESPECTFUL (and a QUOTE of siracha's post.)

rules state: "Being disrespectful to this forum, members, or this description will result in your losing access without warning."

Actually I quoted BluerThanBlue, and that post is still there. That said, if the mods want to edit it, then I support them.

Well I will pop in as well. His story doesn’t make sense. He claims he didn’t reach out and the last time he purportedly spoke to OW, he told her to leave him alone. So if he never reached out, how did she know he left? Tea leaves? Smoke signals? Or the old standby, someone they both know told her and she reached out?

Ok guys.

Let’s get back on track. Please be respectful when posting. You are all capable of making the point and questioning the OP without getting nasty about it.

Hey MA,

I think that you should stop and take a breather.

All you have done so far, is to confuse yourself further. It seems like your automatic response to the hurt that your WW gives you, you immediately take the first opportunity to hurt her back.

Stop it. Now. Sort yourself out!

By thinking that it will all be roses and unicorns with your ex-AP, is hogwash, and you know it. Don't kid yourself.

Go to IC, and sort yourself out. Do yourself a favour and stay away from any possible romantic interest, at least until you have sorted your shit out.

By trying to drown out your sorrows instead of working through them, all you will be doing is damaging yourself even more, and those around you.

ff4152

"someone they both know told her and she reached out?"

Bingo! as it turns out.

I have never personally attacked anyone here at SI. I don't want to use the stop sign because I want to listen to the BS's here, but I would ask BluerThanBlue, landclark and siracha not to post in my threads again.

I'm here admitting to my mistakes, confusion and contradictions.

Seriously trying to fix me.

I live in a small town, I did not seek out OW, she found me and knew what was up, I think my new room mate told a few people. I never told him to keep it quiet, I should have.

I am going back to the IC.

Also folks, Andi knows, speaking of small towns. She has yet to text or call me again, but when she does I'll be straight with her. Still wondering if I should initiate...I would know what to say. I'm still at her, and I'm sure she's either furious or given up.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 2:20 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

I'm not going to touch sleeping with your AP. A lot has been said about it already. I don't even know if you take our advice and collective wisdom to heart. I honestly don't even know why you shared that knowing SI is your audience.

So..

You are divorcing your wife, right?? As hard as it may be I think you should go NC with her. There's no need for an explanation. There's no need for any communication other than D business. And that should be your next text to her.

That may sound extreme to you and honestly I seriously doubt you'll even follow through on that. But its the best thing you can do at this point. Why even have that conversation with your soon to be ex wife? Why have any conversation other than D topics?

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 8:21 AM, May 10th (Monday)]

But, you've said you've made it clear to OW that she wasn't welcome in your life, period.

So why would she think if she showed up,you would open the door?

Why would you open the door?

You are sending AP, Andi and yourself mixed signals.

The operative question to me isn't why AP showed up at your door [why wouldn't she - she's been getting mixed signals from you all along].

The question is why did you answer? And it is a legit question. Before you answer [and you have to be honest with yourself] as someone before me said "you can't fool SI".

Those pesky vampires can't come in without an invitation.

You are divorcing your wife, right?? As hard as it may be I think you should go NC with her. There's no need for an explanation. There's no need for any communication other than D business. And that should be your next text to her.

That may sound extreme to you and honestly I seriously doubt you'll even follow through on that. But its the best thing you can do at this point. Why even have that conversation with your soon to be ex wife? Why have any conversation other than D topics?

FL has it right.

Truthfully, there is no way that you can know for sure what you want right now. I know you haven't said this but I get the strong impression that right now you're reeling. You jumped too quickly from Andi to OW. Now your immediate knee-jerk reaction is to jump back from OW to Andi. You want both doors open so that you can stabilize and "choose" for absolute sure who you want to be with. If you didn't, you wouldn't be tempted to talk to Andi right now because logically you have nothing worth saying to her. Logically, if you proceed with D and separate, there shouldn't be any question of whether you really want it or not. Doubts were for before you started the process in this case.

Worse yet, there's a pressure here for Andi too if you reach out to her. The pressure to "win" you back from the OW. The pressure to give in if you beg her for another chance. You haven't said yet what you would tell her but again, nothing else makes sense in context if you're looking to move forward with the D. Even if it's not your intention, you may start to feel weak if she cries and expresses some regret about how she handled things. You may string her along without even trying to. NOTHING good can come from talking to Andi unless you are 110% sure that this was a huge mess up on your part and that you want to make it up to her hopefully earning yourself another chance.

Your BEST BET right now is to leave both Andi and OW alone while you work through your feelings and look realistically at what you want from a future partner, what you have to offer a future partner, and what you can do to get closer to those goals. Because at it stands from your last interactions with Andi and OW, it's not clear that either one can be what you need for a good relationship right now.

If you do not condone infidelity, then get out of it asap. You said your wife "knows." Does this mean that you slept with the OW and that you are really going to divorce? Like others said, don't start with the pick-me game, it isn't fair to anyone.

[This message edited by scaredwoman at 12:20 PM, May 10th (Monday)]

FL,

"Why even have that conversation with your soon to be ex wife? Why have any conversation other than D topics?"

Because I guess I'm holding on to something, still, and I know i have hurt Andi. At least that is how I'm feeling this minute -- mixed with the anger of Andi hiding an OM from me from 20-some years ago.

I have IC tonight, couldn't get there fast enough.

Im going to offer that your wife knows...because OW told her. And probably added a lot of untruths, half-truths, etc to the story.

You need to be extremely CAREFUL here. I think you have set this up for OW to be a bunny boiler.

I have a bad feeling about this...

I've had a hard time understanding your timeline.

When did you end things with OW previously?

SM, We were several years past my DDay when Andi started to have triggers last fall when my high school sweetheart moved up the street (non A-related). Andi started triggering again in April when I told her my OP broke NC. About a week ago I learned Andi never told me about another OM from many years ago. It's all fucked up.

MAI, So you and OW had been finished for several years?

MAI, I can see how you feel like it's all fucked up. I think the best advice one can give you is when you're in a hole, stop digging!

I'm glad you're going to IC.

I hope you take a good hard look at OW. This is someone who was "Best Friends" with Andi, had a 3+ year affair with you (her best friend's husband) that has been over for some amount of time. She continued to reach out, even after you told her to stop and then within a week of you leaving your wife, shows up on your doorstep and goes to bed with you? Is this the kind of person you want to be with? Are you being the kind of person you want to be?

I would ask BluerThanBlue, landclark and siracha not to post in my threads again.

I agree with them, so I'll bow out, too.