SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think the best advice one can give you is when you're in a hole, stop digging!

Boom. Best advice on here.

Because I guess I'm holding on to something, still...

What is it that you’re holding on to? And is that “something” then worth using your semi-former AP?

What is desired outcome of IC?

nekonamida,

Thanks for your post. As the day goes by I'm actually thinking I don't want Andi or OW. IC tonight, will try to get all the circuits working properly.

My take as a BS?

Couple things.

First, I don't think you know what you want or need right now, and that is perfectly fine (as well as normal). However, because you don't know what you want or need, it is overwhelmingly unfair to continue to involve Andi or the OW. Some good reflective time alone would be good, and I'm particularly encouraged you are going to continue IC. That will probably help the most at this point.

Secondly, I feel a great deal of resentment from you for Andi. A lot. It rather goes with the scorekeeping another poster mentioned. I have to ask if you have been 100% truthful with Andi, as I get the sense that both of you withhold information from the other. You continually bring up her shortcomings, but we don't hear a great deal about yours, including that you chose to have an affair with her best friend for years.

I am hopeful some productive time apart without involving other parties and with seeking counseling and perspective will help shed light on the path that makes the most sense for you.

Cat

I would ask BluerThanBlue, landclark and siracha not to post in my threads again.

Why? Do you really think trying to control other people is an indication of a healthy mind or a liar?

I'm here admitting to my mistakes, confusion and contradictions.

You've informed people of your mistakes, confusion and contradictions. And owned up to exactly zero of your actions.

As the day goes by I'm actually thinking I don't want Andi or OW

Of course not. It's much easier and safer to run away. A pattern you've developed, yes?

Your flip-flopping is a symptom.

IC tonight, will try to get all the circuits working properly.

You didn't ask for my suggestion. But I'll give it anyway. Drop the crap about "getting all the circuits" and whatnot. Let go of the outcome you want. Stop trying to control everything and everyone around you. Go to therapy and immerse yourself into it with religious fervor. And for god's sake, get a therapist that annoys the shit out of you, not one that let's you off the hook.

And talk to your wife. She deserve to hear it from you. The truth is, you slept with a person that's as shit as you are. You can put lipstick on a pig, etc.

Good luck. If you're lucky, it'll be a hard road with a decent light at the end of it.

MyAndI, I have followed your threads, and gently, pretty much every one of them left me with the feeling that you don't really seem to "get it," on a fundamental level. I'm not saying your WW did/does, either; but regardless, while you've seemed to know some of the right concepts and phrases to use, the things you've posted seemed (to me) to indicate that you didn't understand the big picture or full depth of damage all of the infidelity within your marriage created. To be fair, I'm sure that's especially difficult to untangle as a MH.

I would leave both (and any other potential) women alone for a good, long while and focus on healing and growing yourself.

[This message edited by RosesandThorns at 12:16 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

forgettableDad, you have a pm.

Catwoman, I hid nothing from Andi after my Dday, went all-in with R, did everything I could to leave nothing to Andi's imagination.

We were actually in a good place for aa good while until last fall when an ex-high school sweetheart moved to our street (nothing A related). Andi went back to my DDay from there and became obsessed with OW, everything started to unravel again and we were back at square-one.