SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The phrase lining up the ducks is drawn from hunting. It’s when you have the patience to wait until the maximum number of ducks is in the spread of your shotgun shot, possibly letting you get two or more with the same shell. It’s never used to explain why you aim your gun in one direction and then wait for ducks to line up, or you running down the field to get them to line up. It refers to a slight delay from the initial point where you could have fired to maximize your effort.

You aren’t lining up your ducks.

You are waiting for an excuse to not pull the trigger.

Our collective wisdom here is telling you to treat the infidelity seriously.

We are suggesting that you create the maximum result with your shot. We are suggesting you tell OMW so that she can focus on her marriage. Our experience tells us that the initial reaction from OM will be to dump your wife and focus on his marriage.

Will your WW threaten divorce? Yes, the rule is that about 2/3 do that. About 1 in 20 sees it through though.

Will your WW commit suicide? Who knows, but if she shows tendencies towards that behavior then get her committed.

At the moment your wife has the audacity to suggest ongoing contact with the OM. Do you realize what that sounds like? It’s like the AA member phoning ahead to check if it’s his turn to bring a keg to this evenings AA meeting.

IMHO you have a few options: You can go for the kill of the affair. You expose to those that can impact your marriage positively. You take a firm stance where you tell your wife that IF she tells you she wants the marriage and is willing to do what is required to save it then you are willing to try.

Or…

You simply accept that she isn’t the partner you want and need and let things work out from there. That will eventual mean divorce, but that’s better than the option you are being offered right now.

Where where your children when all this was happening?

OP said that they were "within earshot" - too close, IMO.

Is 'BPD' 'bipolar disorder' or 'borderline personality disorder'?

*****

If AA's W is mentally ill/bipolar - that is, if her brain chemistry effs up her behavior - the normal tactics will not affect her the way they affect more normal people.

Is she at least considering treatment?

If she's borderline, she's switched on you, and my understanding is that it's very rare for borderlines to switch back. Someone with more expertise in the area may chime in....

Our XDIL had many borderline characteristics. In her case, separation improved life for her, for our son, and for our GS. That's one data point for you....

Our son's notifying OBS resulted in XDIL's filing for D almost immediately, but she didn't actually serve our son for 5 months. It was the beginning of the end of the M - and of the strife at home.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:37 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

I don't want to leave her alone with the kids.

The police have shown up twice, in 2 weeks,at your home for issues with your wife.

She has attacked you,violently, and she isn't in jail. So that means you lied to the police about what she did.

She is handing you a very clear cut way out of the worry you have of leaving the kids alone with her. Yet you aren't taking it.

She has a record of being unstable, since they took her to the psych ward for a few days. Had you told the police the truth she not only would have a record for DV, but it would have been on the police report that the children were present when she beat their father. Any judge would look at these things and understand that the children aren't safe around her. Therefore you would be able to protect the kids, which I assume is your number one priority.

And yet, she isn't in jail. Why not?

You are protecting this woman, over protecting your kids.

You are trying to control the situation, with a woman who has proven to be uncontrolled.

You are worried that people will talk,because you live in a small town. I live in a small town as well. I promise you, that the police showing up at your home, 2 weeks in a row, has them talking.

You are worried your kids will find out. Yet the argument was over her not inviting her boyfriend to your home.

The kids know.

You aren't helping anyone. Don't you want to?

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:42 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

I recall a poster mentioned something along the line.

If R is depending on your wife not being mad and not informing OBS(thus antagonizing AP), you never have a chance to begin with.

I hope you take that to heart. I mean the very thing you want to prevent, WW becoming ape shit crazy, is already happening with or without you telling OBS.

What lining up ducks entails? It is unclear what you plan is in terms of getting out of infidelity. Apologies if you feel we are piling on but it's sad to see you twist yourself like a pretzel just to limping along hoping things will improve.

In the process, she got physical and pushed/shoved/kicked me - within earshot of our kids.

I want you to know that when I was 10, I heard my stepmother slapping my sister across the face from several rooms away. I did not know what happened at the time. I just know that I heard a WOP followed by my sister screaming and crying. I remember being so shocked and terrified that I could not even move. It didn't fully click with me until adult hood that she was hitting my sister the same way she had hit me a couple of summers prior because my sister was being difficult but not in any way that was unusual for a 4-year-old. It has been decades and yet the memory of those sounds still haunt me some times.

I'm saying this because your kids heard what happened and were affected by it. The older ones will forever remember the terrifying sounds of her losing it on you. They too will randomly be sitting in their car as adults and will suddenly remember those scary sounds and they will know exactly what happened without seeing it. It is too much for them to even hear her abusing you and through her abuse of you, they too are now being abused by having to witness it even if it's only hearing about it. It's still just as scary even without the visual and traumatizing.

If you will not save yourself, will you at least work on saving them?

Go to the police station and file a report. BE HONEST about what happened. Take pictures of any bruises or marks left by her attack. Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME she raises a hand to you. Even if you don't call the police, go to the station yourself and make a report. What's the worse that can happen? They do nothing as opposed to nothing happening right now?

Ask about or Google domestic abuse advocates in your area and go speak to one. Find out what your options are and what would need you to happen to get full custody. Will she lose custody if the police decide to act and charge her based on the reports you filed or what they observed at a house call? What can you do if she ever raises a hand to one of your kids? I'm telling you, it's coming and from experience, it is far more likely for her to abuse them when they're older and feed into her crazy less. You need to know where you stand and what more you could be doing for them.

I know this is a VERY tough pill to swallow but it needs to be said - If you CHOOSE not to involve the authorities and to continue staying with your children in a violent, unstable environment, it reflects on YOUR ability to be a good parent and makes you look like an enabler and co-conspirator in the abuse. She may never raise a hand to them and it will still look VERY bad on you to do nothing while your kids have to deal with hearing her abuse you. You WILL be putting them at risk of being taken FROM YOU and placed in foster care if you keep bringing your violent, abusive WW around to create this unstable environment for them. You can think that's unfair and you can think it's victim blaming all you want but the fact of the matter is - mothers lose custody of their kids for having a partner who beats them and you are not immune to having this happen to you. You are doubly screwed if your WW would ever lie and say that you participate by physically abusing her. If you truly love your children and would do anything and everything to protect them like you have said you would, you WILL be going to the authorities, a lawyer, a DV advocate, and anyone who could possibly help you get those kids away from her until she receives the help she needs to NEVER EVER lay a finger on you again.

You really need to consult with an attorney. This is a powder keg of a situation and you need to know what your legal options are. You need to protect yourself and your children.

It's been an eventful few days...

Will post more later, but for now: I've spoken with several attys, but not yet paid a retainer.

Does anyone here have a recommendation to resources in MA / Middlesex County?

Need to make a decision soon.

TIA.

@Thumos - I've read much of your original thread, I'll just say that our parallels are strong and I do feel that I'm learning from your experience.

If it can help one good man like you out of this hell, then it was worth opening up the vein and pouring out the words. I’m very glad to know it’s helpful.

Our stories have striking parallels. The biggest differences are that I’ve never had to deal with an unstable personality threatening or carrying out violence and other acts that almost got her committed.

And my WW and I are likely (knock on wood) headed for an amicable mediated divorce. Also my WW never tried to continue on with the bullshit with AP after DDAY. She never would have tried having a book club with OBS for example.

So I think you are dealing with a more toxic situation by far and your kids are having to be exposed to that.

Hang tough and let us know more when you can.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:56 AM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

Any further updates? Hope you are doing ok

Thanks for checking in.

I've identified a good atty, just need to pull together the retainer. Possibly next week.

I don't see an easy / amicable / rational / fair process ahead - WW is max conflict, and with all the repressed shame and other nastiness simmering below the surface, I'm apprehensive of what starting this process will do to our kids. And me!

However I accept that I cannot control her, and that I cannot accept her continuing poor choices and lies, and that maybe the only thing to do is to get on with it - to power through the conflict to the other side.

She's not well, and I don't see what I can do to help. Passive avoidance only delays the inevitable, largely at my expense.

Thinking through the impact on the kids with my IC and some input from the atty...

Aboveaverage- the D is scary, but you'll get thru it. Its always worst when you think about it, but then its not really that bad going thru it unless your wife is like Barcher44. Than yea, it could get worst. But I wouldn't fret the D, b/c right now your marriage life is pretty shitty as well.

I’m sorry AboveAverage, I can’t imagine the stress (actually I can but things are much calmer in my circumstance now).

Looking out for yourself and your kids is your first priority. You can not be a knight in shining armor for her anymore.

Have you given any more thought to telling the OBS?

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:54 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

It's become clear to me that my WW's damage - trauma, BPD, codependency - give it a name - is going to be an ongoing risk to me and to our kids.

I know I can't change her, or her behavior.

I feel like my only rational option is to go for D first.

It's a super bitter pill because I will be stuck in co-living situation for some months with a bitter enemy - she will totally turn against me once papers are served - and this will also expose our kids to an even worse situation (near term), and a major quality of life adjustment (long term).

I'm >< this close to pulling the trigger on the D process, which will require 4-6 weeks to serve due to the C19 backlog, yet apprehensive of everything that comes next... starting with WW likely to retain $$$$ downtown lawyer who will file for spousal support to get me to pay her fees - and then run the clock.

Fearful of bankruptcy, further damage to the kids, etc etc.

I understand how and why many a BS might choke down the sh*t sandwich, just not sure I can do it for a year or more. It's been a solid 3 months since the affair came into focus, and just over 2 months since DD, and at best my WW is full of mixed messages.

There's no question this is impacting my health (-30 lbs since June, now stabilized), as well as my performance at work.

The more I learn about affair behavior, and the more I observe my WW and consider who she really is - and how we got here - the more I am certain that D is the way to go.

If finances were liquid, this wouldn't be a question. And I know $ is not the reason to stay in a toxic situation.

Thinking through next steps super carefully - with holidays around the corner, and a pile of debt (largely from her), I am tempted to wait until she has a new job (she's looking) before pulling the trigger...

Constantly modulating between a principled decision, vs. a practical one. The principled decision would be D now. The practical one says wait, at least a bit, to continue to set the stage, line up the ducks... then again, not sure there is an optimization scenario in this chaos.

This post is a vent. I know I need to make decisions, know my boundaries - and enforce them. I've done a poor job of this for some time, which contributed to the current situation. In hindsight, there were red flags about WW's character long ago - though not necessarily in regard to cheating.

One of the affair experts provided this summary of infidelity:

A lot of what I read I could tick off like a check list: The most common age for affairs is 46. (WW is 46)

Factors most common in cheaters: fear of conflict, need for approval, compartmentalising, self-absorption, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem disputes over autonomy and control. (Check)

Factors most common in cheatee: perfectionism, being mediator in childhood, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem. (exploring that last one, it fits in some areas, not in others)

Problem + poor communication + temptation = infidelity (yes, there was a problem and poor communication - particularly about control / joint decision making / money - but only one of us acted on it by having an affair)

Some unfaithful partners don't want to leave but want the package of home, children and security, rather than a relationship with their spouse. (it's a bitter pill, but this seems to fit despite what WW says)

Hate to admit it, but I feel like I'm in a cartoon about failed marriages.

After all this venting, the decision of the day seems to be: Do I take on yet more debt in order pay a retainer to an atty ASAP?

AA,

What are her actions? Is she trying to do anything to help you heal? It doesn’t sound like it from your post. If that is the case, you have no other choice than to move forward with separation.

Sorry to beat a dead horse but this A needs to be exposed before you will have any idea where your wife’s head is. From what I’ve read she hasn’t experienced any real consequences for her awful behavior.

Just a comment regarding who she is likely to retain...it is often recommended for you to meet with several attorneys for a free consultation. This puts conflict of interest in play for further down the road.

AA,

After talking with an attorney, tells us how you felt. Be honest with yourself.

One can see as principled a decision to minimize disruption and maximize comfort while going for D. Why make your life more difficult than it already has to be?

You want D. Keeping your decision secret until it can be implemented as quickly as possible makes sense. If you could move now, I'd think it would be wise to take on debt to accomplish the D.

Since you have to live with your W for some months in any case, why make it worse than it needs to be?

I've spoken with at least 12 attys since I first sniffed the affair in July - started before DD.

I've identified one I think will work well, who was exceedingly generous with her time and outlining potential strategies.

As far as WW goes, she is all mixed messages: "you're my best friend, I've always loved you, I never stopped loving you, I can't imagine a future without you (well, at least this last one is true, though not entirely how she means it when she says it...) - vs - TT, defensiveness, avoidance, some concerning episodes previously mentioned, etc etc etc).

Caught her in a few lies, which are particularly concerning. I know she's not trustworthy, not safe.

Full stop.

To piggyback on Annie Oakley’s post — if you have an idea of which attorney your wife might retain, beat her to the punch and make a consult appointment with him or her so she won’t be able to hire that lawyer.