Hello sweet friends.
I am going to get through this.
But right now is just so messed up. The best word I can come up with is "void".
I was at the grocery the other day, and something was "wrong"…different. I finally realized that I wasn’t hurrying through my shopping to get home to him. I had gotten to the point where I was just shuffling along like all the other old people. I can stay away from the house as long as I want to now - but I don’t want to.
I have changed out the mattress. I have packed away his side of the closet for when all of my boys are home and can choose what clothes of his they may want. I kept a few things just so the closet doesn’t look so lonely. I have put out "feelers" for those who might be in need of supplies and equipment such as the Hoyer lift., his wheelchair, and our accessible van. I’m hoping we can find people who really need the assistance. Part of me wants to keep those things, but I just can’t – not when I know that others need them. And although some of that equipment is quite expensive, there’s no way I can ask for money for it. I can’t benefit from his death. I guess I will, because he did have a life insurance policy, but not from his personal things. Someone needs them and doesn’t have the money to get them themselves.
I haven’t slept in the bed yet. I don’t know why, but I just can’t. The other night I began to feel such a void. So I went back into the bedroom and just laid on his side of the bed for a little while. After about 15 minutes, I had to get up. Maybe that’s how I will finally get to where I can sleep in the bed again. Just small increments of time building into a full night’s sleep.
Bella is grieving terribly. I googled "How long do dogs grieve their master’s passing?" Answers varied from a few days to several months. She was with him until after he passed away. We were both in there with him for about 10 minutes, which is what the hospice nurse told me to do once I felt that he had stopped breathing… Because sometimes people begin to breathe again after three or four minutes. so I waited 10 minutes. Then I told him goodbye and I had to really encourage Bella to leave. I called the hospice nurse and it was a couple hours before she came. My husband’s sister wanted to go back and sit with him, "because that’s what we do". Referring to her family. Happily she wasn’t there when he passed away, and when she did arrive, the hospice nurse came very soon afterwards. When the funeral home came, and were proceeding to take him away, I left and went to another part of the house. I knew that wasn’t him any longer, but I couldn’t bear to watch it. His sister on the other hand was walking beside him all the way down the hall… I was told. She also got into a slight confrontation regarding the fact that they were going to cover him when they took him outside. She did not want his face covered. The hospice nurse finally had to say to her that this was a community and people did not want to see someone after they had passed away rolled down the driveway.
That started a long list of things that I did that were "not the way we do things". It’s amazing that we are confronted with things like that that we want to handle correctly, but when we are in such a state of grief, it’s so hard. I had my sister be a touchtone for me, and she has assured me that I was never confrontational or unkind to his sister.
She was quite upset that the casket was not going to be open throughout the visitation prior to the service in his hometown. So I set it up that 30 minutes before the visitation began, a casket could be open for family and very close friends only. I guess she got the best of me on that one, because she would wait at the front door of the funeral home and when ANYBODY came in for the visitation a little bit early, she would, encourage them to "see him". I had to stay in another part of the building. Finally, I asked the funeral Director to close the casket. So that we could proceed and not have to stay out of the area where the visitation was.
I tried to be as accommodating as I could be. Years ago when we would talk about what we might want at our funerals, and who we would want to be pallbearers., my husband would always mentioned his sons and his nephews. Two of his nephews did not treat him well through the years. They stole from him, etc. One of those nephews was in jail, so it was a moot point. I called his nephew that he was closest to, and I explained to him my struggles with inviting the other nephew to be a pallbearer. I told him that’s what my husband had wanted, but it was very hard for me. He very gently told me that this particular nephew seem to be doing better, and was trying to make good in his life. So I followed that nephew’s lead and had the other one be part of the service as a pallbearer. It was the right thing to do.
Bella is trying to become a dog. Instead of being a 24 seven caregiver. She is almost completely housebroken… You might remember that she never even went outside to potty when he was here. I put a puppy pad in one area of the bedroom and she used it rather than leaving him to go outside. Now, every time I walk from the den where I spend time with the dogs…and sleep… she jumps down from the couch and insists on going back there with me. And she climbs her puppy steps and goes to the side of the bed where he laid. It makes her very sad. Then when I finish peeing or changing clothes, or whatever was the reason for going back there, she just sits on the bed and looks at me. And when I invite her to leave with me, she will. But then she sits on my tummy as I’m lying on the couch, and I can see the pain in her eyes. We are quite a pair!
It was really very poignant that the son that is home with me now was different to me during this whole process. He didn’t mind spending time with me. And he would talk to me. And it was as if we weren’t "enemies" in his eyes. But it’s been three weeks now, and he is back to displaying resentment for me and he mostly keeps away from me. The two boys that are still incarcerated more often than they used to, they are calling home much more often. I think they’re checking on me. The son that didn’t get to participate in any of the services … He calls me almost every day. Just to see how I’m doing. And sometimes we cry together, and sometimes we think of anything we can to keep the conversation, positive and uplifting.
Not too many months ago, when my husband and I were thinking about how our boys would fare in life when we were gone… He told me that the first thing he wanted any of his insurance money spent on, was to get them a vehicle that they could depend on. Where they could always have a way to get to and from work, and to do the things they needed to do in their life. I told all of them about this. My baby, who has been in jail for so long and who did not get a furlough to come to the service, he sobbed when I told him. Then he said, "He’s still teaching us… and helping us… even now."
Well, I’ve "gone on" too long. I haven’t meant to make you sad. It’s so nice to be able to talk to you all. When I show emotion in front of my family, I see the pain in their eyes and I just can’t do it.
Thanks for being here for me.
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 4:17 AM, Tuesday, April 30th]
