SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dev, Been following your thread and just want to jump in and also show my support. Please hang in there. Use the hotline….Think of your dogs…. Watch the carefree squirrels … Watch some ants bustle around on a sidewalk (idk if that is weird but sometimes I find it fascinating and mesmerizing and distracting as they all seem to have a purpose in their chaotic movements)… Watch the clouds move through the sky…. Something to give your mind respite.

Idk, do anything but end your life over this man and his associates. These people sound like the absolute worst this world has to offer and now you see their true colors. You are better than that. They are not who you want to be your associates regardless of the "fun" it looks like they are having. They must feel terrible inside to lash out at you as they have- "hurt people, hurt people". So I doubt they are truly as happy as they appear. Who can actually feel good about treating someone so terribly?! I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Also a thought- a local church might have a free grief or mental health support group that you could meet with. (I know my church offers this sort of thing).

Ever so gently, is it possible this visit was a dream? It sounds so "out there".

Ever so gently, is it possible this visit was a dream? It sounds so "out there".

I wish it was a nightmare and didn't happen. I wish half my neighbors hadn't witnessed it. He had to give her my address. Mind you if she ever looked at his past social media posts my house and address has appeared in posts as the ex used to do quite the Halloween display. I don't know. The biker community is quite tight. They support each other regardless. He may only belong to a motorcycle riding club but he has 1000's of friends. I got the impression she thinks I am trying to get him back. I don't really know. It was so overwhelming. I feel like my neighborhood is gossiping about me. My one neighbor loved him and hated me. She was a single woman always flirting with him. He is incredibly charming. Hence why I fell for him. She is the one who told me "she knew I couldn't hang onto a man like that". She apparently has told other neighbors the same thing and they had to question me about it. . I try not to talk to anyone in my neighborhood anymore. I have heard too much.

I thank you all for your support. I have been reading it over and over today. I just didn't know what to post as I feel like everyone on here has made such strides and found ways to deal with their hurt so why am I pathetic? That's how I feel. Everyone here has suffered. Everyone has been through this. Why am I so weak? What makes me think I am any worse of than anyone else? Am I trying to feel sorry for myself? Why can't I just accept and understand what everyone is saying? Again....I come to the conclusion that I am some special kind of pathetic to be stuck, frozen in despair.

Last night I spent the whole night researching how to end my life using a car and carbon monoxide again. You drift peacefully into unconsciousness and then ......its over. It is much more likely to work then pills. Pills failed me already. I called the crisis line and spoke with them for a few hours. They listen....... yes. But they don't really have answers. I feel like inside their mind they are telling me to stop being such a baby, grow up and stop wallowing!

All that said, the posts on Facebook, the pictures of his happy life...are drowning me slowly and painfully. But I cannot bring myself to block him or delete my account. Then I get more upset that am so weak I cannot end my own pain by stopping all social media!!! No Contact is no new hurt. I have written this phrase everywhere in my house and on my wrist in marker. I often sit rocking in a chair bawling my eyes out repeating that phrase. Why do I want him to want me back? Why can't I accept that my life as I knew it with him is over? Why does his happiness at this moment eat away at me like some flesh eating disease? Why does EVERYTHING remind me of all I have lost? Just why can't I accept, move on and try and be happy? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Today I burst into tears at work (again) and the owner of my company called me in. I cried for two hours. My eyes are swollen. I left his office by telling him that he should not feel sorry for me or be upset because if the day comes I am no longer here, at least I will be at peace finally. He really doesn't know what to do. I told him bury me in paperwork. It will help for the moment.

Sleep, peace....worth so much more than even gold as I am sure most of you have learned.

BTW, I did call the crisis center to get an emergency in person appointment. Had to leave a message. That was at 6 am. It is 3:30 pm. No one has called back. I think the universe is trying to tell me something indeed.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 8:28 PM, Thursday, August 3rd]

Dev, this is sooooo hard and the pain is incredible. It's a good thing I worked from home for the first 6 months because I was pretty non-functional. There were days I sat and cried at my desk. Some days, I didn't even change clothes, brush my teeth or my hair.

You are probably trauma bonded, so there's like a chemical reaction going on in your brain that makes it difficult to pull away from him. It makes it difficult to stop looking at pictures, even though you know it's going to hurt you.

This is not the universe telling you to quit. Call the number again for the emergency in person visit and let them know you have a plan and intent, or go to the hospital.

You are worth it, Dev.

I'm gonna reiterate what I've likely said before: people can post whatever they want on social media. They can portray themselves as saints, pillars of the community, etc. And people will lap that sh!t up like sheep.

I have a mantra for you: Those who so easily believe him, those who act like his flying monkeys... they're nothing but sheep and clowns.

The ones who harass you with messages believing his bs 'why men cheat' post - sheep and clowns.

The flavor of the month paying you a personal visit to reprimand you, accuse you of not letting go despite the fact she literally took the time to see you herself - a sheep and a clown.

Truly happy people would be getting on with their lives without having to dig at you. Truly happy people won't need to be referring back to degrading you at every turn.

He relies on social media, those sheep to do the dirty work for him. That's how he thrives: his outside image. And people lap it up because they're just as shallow, narcissistic, and sadistic as him.

It's all based on lies, and I believe they all f@cking know it. But putting you down makes him and them feel better about themselves. It's the only way they can cope with how awful people they are. When they call you 'a pathetic excuse of a human being,' they actually refer to themselves. Deflection and projection.

So keep repeating to yourself: they're nothing but sheep and clowns. And hypocrites.

Perhaps you should just delete social media altogether. That way, you won't be tempted to look. And they can't send you messages. And look into moving elsewhere that won't let those flying monkeys keep coming to harass you when you're just minding your own business.

Because this is becoming harassment now. If moving isn't an option, then perhaps set up cameras and start creating a paper trail.

Hang in there, Devastated.
(ETA: I’ve sent you a PM. Read or discard at your convenience.)

[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:27 AM, Friday, August 4th]

Gently, please delete your social media for the time being and block his. It is over with him stop torturing yourself. He is not happy as he is on women number 3 or 4 now.

[This message edited by Prettyflawed at 12:59 AM, Friday, August 4th]

Dev, it took me a year to be even close to human. I lost my job b/c I couldn’t do it. (I do NOT recommend this!). Many of struggled for a long time. You just have to hang on . You are not weak. You are hurt. But you are strong and will get through this and there is better stuff in your future. So keep hanging in there to get to it.

your ex doesn’t have 1000s of friends. He knows a lot of people on a superficial level. Not the same thing.
And they only like him cuz he rides a certain bike and dresses a way. That is JUNIOR HIGH. The folks saying stuff? More JUNIOR HIGH.
Fuck that noise.

Remind me— are you in IC? I think you are, right? Keep going. Keep calling the hotline.
Block your ex. He does not deserve your eyeballs on his LIES.
People call it FakeBook for a reason— nothing but lies and image control. No truth there.

And yes, stop talking to dumb ass neighbors. Bunch of dumb busybodies

You have value. You are valued. Keep saying that over and over. Because it is TRUE.

Hey Dev,

I agree with what the others have recommended about deleting your social media - AT LEAST to give you peace of mind for the time being. It will help you from being tempted to look at his SM. Now, for the OW who showed up. What purpose did that serve other than to harm and hurt you further?? He left. He chose to leave. So why doesn’t he just go and let you live your life peacefully? If he’s so "happy" why is he posting stuff on SM, why is he sending his cronies to speak to you, berate and belittle you? To drive the knife in deeper?? Makes no sense. A truly happy, free, independent person would just be on their merry way - not always looking back to see the damage they’ve done, or to get his/their kicks off seeing the person they hurt writhing in pain. Be logical - I know Dev, it’s hard to when your mind wants you to be so irrational and not be or think logically - but logically, WHY does he care that you stay in a place of pain and misery?? Because he’s a freaking psychopath! He has no guilt, remorse or empathy and he gets off on knowing you are in pain, inducing that pain. That’s NOT the kind of man you want back in your life Dev. I don’t care how attractive, charismatic and charming he is. He hurts people. That’s what he does. And he enjoys it. And ANYONE who says stupid shit like "I knew you didn’t have it in you to keep a man like that" F THEM. It’s obvious they’re under his spell too saying ignorant remarks like that - clearly just as clueless as the rest of his followers. And can I say something about biker communities? - I’m in one btw, an auxiliary member bc I didn’t qualify on my own to join this particular organization, so I came in under my fWH’s credentials. I see and hear the dumbest shit from some of these folks - I see the leaders and the followers. It’s very clear and apparent who falls in which category. Some CLEARLY like the role of being seen as a leader. Some take it too far and will order others around, simply because they hold on to that power. And to be accepted and liked by the members who seemingly have the control, the followers will believe just about anything they hear. They will do and say and emulate the patterns and behaviors of those in "charge" so they too can be accepted into the fold. Everything from political ideology, patriotism, fanatical viewpoints, some say things for shock and awe just to see who will fall in line. If a member breaks up, separates or divorces their partner - that person is now alienated and pushed out from the group. Person non grata. I feel that this is what happened or is happening with you. Your community has turned its back on you. Not just your partner, but the people who were in this community with you, your friends- or who you thought were you friends. Now they are falling in line behind him - they do this because in order to stay in the group, they have to choose a side. The confrontation between you and OW, between you and your neighbor is just bullying plain and simple. There’s NOTHING decent or noble about driving the knife in deeper on someone who is clearly in pain, struggling and borderline suicidal. It’s torturous, cruel and sadistic. To me it appears like it’s done to look good to the rest of the group. REGARDLESS, it’s wrong and you need to extricate yourself from all these so-called friends, former friends. These are not your allies, these are not people you want in your corner - they are not loyal to you Dev. They get sick satisfaction in seeing you struggle. And they do it because HE somehow thinks it’s "funny" to torture and torment you. It’s a long HARD road back to finding yourself Dev, but you CAN do this!!! You ARE capable of doing hard things!!! You are worth MORE than what he brings to the table Dev. We care about you and we care about your future. We want to see you thrive and flourish!!

Hugs and lots of love Dev. You got this!!!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 2:00 PM, Friday, August 4th]

I'm not sure if I posted to this thread earlier, but I'd like to chime in again as you are in a dark place, a place I know very well.

I am 5+ years out from Dday1&2, with the second being when my universe changed forever. I cycled through emotions, sometimes rapidly, but the worst was the sadness. It felt palpable, like a thing I could reach out and touch. Worst of all, it was opaque and I could not see another life past it. I was convinced that this would be my reality from now on.

After Dday1, I was planning on ending my life. I had gone over my insurance papers to see if my family was covered in the event of an "accident" and had methodically researched a method, picked a place, and even put together a secondary kit in the event that I was not able to die quickly enough. Years of military training taught me to plan carefully I guess. Instead, I reached out for help and got IC, meds, a d time off work to heal. It was a very tough road, but after a while, I was determined to reinvent myself.

People told me that it would get better, but that advice just made me angry. I wanted it better now, damn it! Plus, how could they know? My pain an my reality were unique. Who were they to tell me anything?

After Dday#2 and filing for D, the first real milestone for me was getting my own apartment. It was a tiny two bedroom and with two kids, I was forced to sleep in the dining room (we called it the nook). I bought a used bed frame and a new mattress that was only mine. Then I bought a coffee mug with the word "peace" emblazoned on it. The word became my mantra and I am drinking coffee out of it as I type. Despite the pain and shit I was going through, I had peace, something that was lacking in my life before. And I wrapped myself up in that feeling. It was comfortable, like an old sweater on a cold day.

Things got easier as time went by, but it was not smooth, nor linear. There were good days and bad. Hell, I once fell into a rage and then collapsed sobbing on the kitchen floor because I could not find a reusable food container. I ended up putting a large dent in my instapot which remains with me as a reminder of how far I've journeyed.

Today, I have my own place, my kids are graduated, and I am even dating a wonderful woman who seems to adore me, though I think she may be delusional. My EXWW's A has changed me on a quantum level. Some changes are good, but there has been a cost, I won't lie. I don't really do happy anymore, though I feel it at times. I would describe myself as mostly content, and that's okay. It fits well with peace.

So after 5 years, I would say that I am in a good place. I stopped the meds, as I don't really need them. When I get sad, I've learned that it's a transitory emotion and I walk through it, allowing it to remind me of just how far I've come. This diatribe I've written is just to show you that it is possible to get here from there. You just need to give yourself time and grace. Don't succumb to the despair that you have every right to feel. Just realize that that feeling is not who you are. It is just what you are experiencing right now, and you still have a plethora of new experiences on the horizon. We are all rooting for you...

PEACE.

You can get yourself admitted and I think you need it. While there you will not be checking on him. You will be trying to calm your life down. Think of this as an addiction that you need rehab for.

Please think about this. Ted Bundy was charming. He killed over a hundred girls being charming. There are a thousand miles between being charming and kind. He is not kind.

Don’t turn your back on your neighbors. In one of those homes is someone as broken hearted as you.

Listen to cooley. Another member and I became acqaintances years ago, and I recall her telling me the best thing that she ever did after infidelity was to check herself into a hospital.

Thinking about you again this weekend, please, please, get away from your environment. Do something that makes you happy, anything, and please call the hotline again if you feel desperate.

BTW, your ex and that woman are complete low life D bags. She sounds like a high school drama queen. Don't let them get to you.

Wish I could give you a real life hug, but here's a virtual one ((((((Devastated)))))

Hi, Devastated, please check in! Thinking about you!

Hi Dev

I am so sorry you are going through this and that you ex is continuing his emotional abuse. He is a nasty, nasty bully and to get other people involved is despicable.

He is likely a narcissist or have a personality disorder. He is an abuser.

What he is doing is not normal.

I used to beat myself up because I wanted so bad to be over him. I remember using the word pathetic a lot when I thought of myself at that time. I knew he was emotionally abusive but I still wanted him back.

I started watching videos on trauma bonds by Dr Rahmani. It’s helped me understand the effects of emotional abuse on my brain. That set me on the path to healing. Please try it. It saved me.

I also started going to a spiritual centre. Why not try it? Whether it’s a church/Buddhist temple/ yoga retreat? There are good people there and you could build a support network. When you are ready of course.

I wish I could it with you when you are crying and hold your hand and make you a cup of tea.

Please know that you are in all of our thoughts and we are all here for you.

Devastated, I wanted to reach out with my love and support. I am just so angry for you. I do not know how people cannot recognize that this man is clearly abusing you with his online posts. What a vindictive jack-off! How does this POS OW think that it is ok to come onto your property and verbally attack you? The fucking nerve! How is any of this ok? Is your town full of complete idiots with no compassion?

I want you to know that your are important. You have to stop looking at his posts. He wants to rationalize his bad behavior by lying to himself and everyone else. Why engage in his sick, twisted BS? Have you tired some meditation and breathing? You can find videos on Youtube to help you learn how to do this. It really does help with the fear and anxiety. I am not sure if you have a therapist, but it sounds as if it would help. I know you are overwhelmed, but have you asked the folks on the hotline for some numbers? I think they have access to some therapists that are low cost or free. There are also support groups for women who are struggling online for free. I just Googled that and found a bunch of listings.

Do 1 thing for yourself today. No asshole the size of your ex is worth ending your life. The 1 thing you can do is to stay here to spite the low-hanging fruit. Everyone on this thread can see his true colors.

I remember the early days. I consider myself a strong person, and I thought about driving into a tree just to stop the pain.

Please hang in there.

I feel like everyone on here has made such strides and found ways to deal with their hurt so why am I pathetic? That's how I feel. Everyone here has suffered. Everyone has been through this. Why am I so weak? What makes me think I am any worse of than anyone else? Am I trying to feel sorry for myself? Why can't I just accept and understand what everyone is saying? Again....I come to the conclusion that I am some special kind of pathetic to be stuck, frozen in despair.

For one thing, everyone on here doesn't have a brain tumour or had one removed, and you do know logically that it is affecting your feelings and healing so you do have to give yourself a bit of a break on that count. At the same time, you do, at some point, have to take action to feel better. Sometimes that action is just faking it until you make it, you know? Even if you don't feel like doing something, sometimes you just have to do it. Literally anything is better than sitting at home crying, and right now it seems like that is the choice you are making for yourself. I mean, what is that doing for you?

If I were your friend in real life, there would come a point where I'd have to say come on. It's hard, we know. I don't want to be insensitive. Of course, you have to feel the feels. And you probably always will to some extent. But moving on requires action. I feel like you have made some preliminary baby steps like going to that meet-up - it didn't work for you. Oh well, not everything does. Treat yourself like you would a friend. Tell yourself what you'd tell them. You know you'd tell them to try again, try something different. Try, try and try again.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's just not the answer. There are so many other answers. You're not going to go dreamily to sleep. You would die. It's not an escape from emotional pain. It's nothing. It hurts people. You may not think you have friends, and I really doubt that is entirely true. It would hurt your co-workers, it would hurt those who find you, and who have to deal with you. If you don't think that those people are scarred by what they do for a job, think again! There are times that I think how dare anyone make someone else deal with finding a body intentionally? It's a horrible, horrible thing to inflict on another individual. Just like how you've had something horrible and unjust inflicted on you. And my God, what about your pets? Do you think that they don't have feelings? Do you think they won't mourn? They will, they do! If you think you're sending a message to the ex by committing suicide, do you not see that as brutal as it sounds, he just doesn't care? If you are romanticizing the notion of suicide and thinking it's going to have some profound effect on him, it won't. I'm sorry, but it just won't.

We all want the best for you. Please want the best for yourself. Please keep reaching out for help. If the crisis lines help, keep up with that. But you've got to go further. You need to be working with someone more skilled with this than those on crisis lines. Talk to your doctor, ask for referrals. Contact the Canadian Mental Health Association. Does your work offer any emotional help programs? Get out of your house, see people, try to appreciate the beauty around us, get the help you need by asking for it and not acting out irrationally by trying to hurt yourself.

Hey Dev, how are you doing?

Please check in! So many members here are worried about you!

Sending a virtual hug again.....(((((Devastated))))))

Just reading a post from people asking me to check in actually made me feel a little better. Strangers on a forum who have read my rants and my tried to help me with my out of control feelings care more than the man I was spending my life with. I cannot thank everyone enough. It truly means the world to me. It makes me feel less alone.

Thursday I had a car accident on the way to my doctors. A man turned left across two lanes in front of me while I was going straight. He was charged in the end. However, when it happened the man proceeded to call me every ignorant name possible and spit in my face. I crumpled to the ground. I couldn't take anymore. He called 5 buddies to the scene and they were all yelling at me. They were berating me for being a woman and blonde etc etc I realized at that moment I had no one to call. no one to support me. no one to come to my aid. NO ONE! Hearing how pathetic I was from a stranger........how could I argue? I am pathetic! I managed to call my boss who unhappily came but he did move them all away from me. It took the police 2 hours to come. The other driver tried to say I was drunk (I do not drink ever and my boss laughed as I had been at work all day sitting in the office) he tried to accuse me of speeding etc etc. I had just turned a corner when I hit him. In the end, he was charged. I was so distraught and shaking and could barely stand I was taken to hospital. I was kept overnight. I had to take an uber home as I had no one to come get me to bring me home. My elderly neighbour did take care of my dogs. The reality of how alone I am really did a number on me. I hit my head pretty hard. A hit to my head could cause a brain bleed or death due to my tumour and brain trauma. For one moment I thought.................. but no.

My car has 5,000 damages and needless to say I don't want to drive. But I need my job so I have no choice.

My ex mother-in-law heard about the accident. Apparently my WS's sister saw me in the intersection while she was out running an errand. She told her mother who texted me to see if I was okay. She informed me that she told my WS (why did she have to do that????) that I was in an accident and all he said was "so?". She asked him if he was going to check on me and his response was " No, she's a big girl she can deal. She has her own life now. I am not apart of it nor do I want to be". She sent me what he texted. Even when I stay away from social media I am bombarded.

I did make it through this weekend......it was hard. I cried a lot. But I did go out and try some thrifting. Burst into tears a few times in the stores but kept going. I took myself out for breakfast. That was a bit of a disaster. The waitress remembered my WS and I and asked why we weren't having breakfast together. When I expressed that we were no longer together she proceeded to tell me that he has been there a few times with a woman. She thought it odd as they were so "giggly" but she never thought we weren't together as she said for years we had come in there for breakfast and "always seemed so happy". When I began to cry she basically said that clearly he is happy without me so I should just forget about him. Really? You think I don't know that? Well thank you for pointing out how much fun my WS is having out and about. I know she didn't mean anything by telling me...but it hurt. Why did I choose that restaurant? It is near my house, the food is good and its affordable. I don't want to give up everything or every place I used to enjoy because of him. I just may have to. :(

A man from my office told me today that my emotional grief is written all over my face day after day and it is unattractive and stressful for coworkers.

Could anything else happen in 2023? Anything more the universe wants to throw at me? I assume I must be a horrible person as even the universe is trying to rid me off this planet it seems.

I have taken the advice of many people on here. I have bought a few books to help me cope. I have been listening to some podcasts. I am trying. The hospital gave me some medication to sleep the night I was there. I did sleep that night...sorta. It was the most sleep I have had in a long time. I guess I look so haggard form the crying and lack of sleep they did a drug screening. They found only my prescribed medications.

If I make it out of 2023, it will be a miracle. I will keep posting and reading and rereading. I need to drive home all the advice everyone is providing as I know in my mind it makes sense. I just have to overcome this emotional spiral and somehow stabilize it so it doesn't become a permanent Black hole.

Devastated, so sorry to hear about the car accident but glad you are ok.

You went thrifting and out to breakfast! That's awesome. You are trying, and honestly who cares what other people think.

You are at a crossroads, and you are finally turning in the right direction. You should be proud of yourself for taking little baby steps!

Next up, get yourself together at work, put on your nicest clothes and put on some makeup and walk in with confidence. You need to be your best at your job and put everything aside for the time you are there. I remember hardly being able to function, but I did because I couldn't afford to lose my job, and it actually became a breather for me to be at work and not in my home environment.

Others will be along, I know so many are worried, please try to check in as often as you can even just a line or two.

Huge hug....

So glad you checked in. So sorry about the car accident. Did you ask the cops about pressing assault charges on the A-hole and his friends? If you were in fear that they were going to hit you, then you might have grounds for the charges.

I'm very proud of you for getting out and about. I know it's difficult for you, and I'm glad you did it. One of my aunts used the phrase, "He preferred his women in quantity rather than quality." You can also say you're going through a bad breakup and you'd rather not discuss the topic.

As for this guy:

A man from my office told me today that my emotional grief is written all over my face day after day and it is unattractive and stressful for coworkers

Tell them to put on their big boy or big girl panties and deal with it. You've learned a lot about being stressed out and can give them some helpful tips if they need them.

Honestly, I had strangers stop me in the store or restaurant and ask if I was ok. It's somewhat normal to look frazzled.