SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know you get it, Ellie. I was thinking that as I was typing all that out. (She knows all of this. I don't need to say it.) I guess I wanted to say it in general.

Yep, anger at both of them! They both deserve it! Assholes!

Take moi for example. I want to rip xshitbag's dick off with a bbq fork. But I would also like to beat the snot out of his slut AP after doing so. See? Equality. Balance. Much zen, so hostile. Wow.

I figure that anything I think about the POSOW I have to think about my WH too. And so far, it's not been difficult!

Like Coco said - they may not have made vows, but they broke a bunch of codes.

I've often used the analogy that just bc one person was the getaway car and the other actually robbed the bank doesn't mean the getaway driver had no culpability for the robber murdering the bank teller.

No, the MOW did not make vows to me, but she broke some codes. There's the humanity code, the sister code, and the marriage code. I mean, what's the point in getting married in front of everyone and wearing rings if other people aren't going to respect that? That is the point in all of that, so that society knows these two people are off the market.

Abso-fucking-lutely! The only time I would say a AP is not at fault is the rare times they really had no idea he/she was married. And that is for their entire "relationship". I believe only a very troubled person with very little heart or soul to knowingly get involved with a married person. When you add in children to the mix? There aren't enough words. I honestly don't know how people can live with themselves.

I say AP literally sucked the color right out of his hair.

That is awesome!

DaisyAnne, are you pulling out your husband's hair when he is sleeping? This is my interpretation and it makes me giggle. Keep up the good work. hahaha

You caught me! He better behave or I will get to work on the other side of his head.

DaisyAnne, that's hilarious about his hair. Its probably stress.

Y'all, is there something I am missing? So many feel sorry for, and continue to have good opinions of cheaters.

I despise them. I mean deep in my bones despise them. I see them as less than human. Completely undeserving of any comfort or happiness. Ever.

To me, they are no different than a child molester, a murderer. I felt this way about them before my cheater.

I don't understand cheering when the karma bus runs over a co-cheater, but baby and cottle the ones here. How are they different? Would any of you trust any of these people not to fuck you over?

What difference does it make if they are sorry now? How does that change anything? How can anyone read any cheater page and think for 1 second any of them are sorry for anything other than being caught? They use SI as a roadmap for how to convince your spouse you're being faithful.

Why do I get treated worse here than the cheaters? At least I am honest. At least I didnt fuck over 2 families.

I figure that anything I think about the POSOW I have to think about my WH too.

Yep. I always chuckle when people imply that I don't know I'm talking about my fch, too, when I say shit about cheaters. I know perfectly well that he is included. The difference is that he is still a big part of my life. I have seen the work he has done to change and become a safer partner and better person. I don't care what, if anything, the MOW has done.

SOS, see above. I had been ignoring that thread you got involved in until I saw that it was locked. Then, I had to see what the drama was. I totally get how you feel. I have stated that sentiment in threads on here before. You are not wrong in how you feel.

You don't owe anything to any cheaters. I think it's ridiculous for them to expect us to respect them and what they say on here. The only thing we know about them is that they cheated and lied. What they write on here is just words. It's perfectly reasonable that we wouldn't trust them or their words. Isn't that what we say on here all the time? Don't trust the words of the cheater because they are proven liars.

It is against site rules to attack or call out any specific member, but I don't think you did that. I do think you were called out, which was a violation.

You are in early days with an unremorseful cheater. You are raw. That's ok. I'm 5 years out and I still don't like engaging with the CPs on here. I usually scroll right past whatever they post. I also don't read the wayward forum unless I get a whiff of something specific drama. I guess I'm a little petty like that.

WRT your anger, though. I understand it. I understand why you want to hold onto it. You may be projecting a bit, though. Maybe you feel like you can't do anything about your CH and his AP so you are lashing out at the people who represent them. Maybe you feel like that's your only avenue of release right now. Again, understandable. I'm not judging you at all! At some point, hopefully, you will be able to move through the anger to the next stage.

Posting again to break things up a bit. I tend to be long winded.

I'm getting a little annoyed with other BWs comparing their unremorseful CHs to my fch. I feel defensive about it, I guess. I want to say they are not the same. But, I don't want to come across like I'm stomping my feet and whining, "But, my man isn't like that." He was. He's not anymore. I'm not naive. I don't have rose colored glasses for my fch. I let it slide, but the more it's done, the more it bothers me.

Coco, I think it's normal to get defensive about it. Like you said, the only thing we know about him is that he is a cheater. You love him. You see his other qualities.

I'm really not early. I'm 4+ years out. And to be perfectly honest, continuing to see the cheater bullshit here, has actually made me hate them more.

SI has not been a healing place for me. I see where so many get so much out of this place. It just makes me feel more defective.

(((SOS))) I hear you on the anger. Your cleaning is you're coping. My therapist at my intensive actually did that too. You are in good company. I also clean when I'm angry, when I'm trying to avoid feeling feelings. It does help in the sense that at least I'm productive.

I also want to echo what everyone else said. You are amazing. We love you. You are a freaking rockstar for continuing to push forward. And just start doing new things - after a while they WILL feel like traditions. My mom picked up a new tradition for Christmas Eve when I was in high school - started making tortilla soup. And now, it's tradition. I do it with my family too. You can choose any year or day to start a new thing.

Daisy - you are lucky that it was your WH's hair. I'm the one going bald. :( Funny, about a year before the physical part of his A, my WH started stressing about his hair getting thinner. I, being the loving wife, bought him some vitamins. In his shittiness, he thought that was me judging him. So he went out and fucked someone else to feel better about his pooch belly and thinning grayer hair. When all I was doing was trying to help him feel better about himself in a NORMAL NON-ASSHOLE way. :)

Coco - Ugh. Sorry about the trouble with your son. Those 15 year old boys don't make the best decisions sometimes. I hope it works out ok.

As for the OW and anger. Yeah, I hate her. I want all of the bad things for her. But honestly it's because I KNOW she isn't remorseful. My WH was no innocent but she went after him and pushed and pushed. The day after DDay, when WH was in a hotel, she offered to pick him up. Then, the next day on the phone (with her BS) said she was sorry for the flirtatious emails. (not for kissing my WH, coming into his room to masturbate, and telling him a week after that first kiss that she knew he'd never make a move, and she liked him - then coming to his hotel room on the next trip for sex - and saying after the first time that it was already done and they might as well keep doing it) She also said on that call that she "didn't want my husband". Yet when he finally went into the office the next week she came in and tried to kiss him again, then spent the next 6 months telling him she missed him, how hard it was, and then calling him an asshole for casting her aside. Yeah, I have ZERO positive thoughts for that one. Honestly, if she had pulled away, if she had apologized to me or even just left him the fuck alone, I may not hate her so much. She is so full of shit that she fucked my husband, and the day after DDay when she OFFERED TO PICK MY HUSBAND UP AT A HOTEL to "be with him", she literally posted the same day about how thankful she was for her husband. Yeah, thankful for her poor husband's misguided "trust" (as he told me that day, that he "trusted his wife") that allows her to whore around on trips. (Seeing as how other co-workers have mentioned her behavior with clients making them uncomfortable, I really doubt my WH was her first foray into adultery.) Ugh. I hate her. I don't want her to get hurt, but I'd love for her to be exposed for the liar and fake that she is. I also hope this new job that she moved across the country is the place for that to happen. First time she will not be working with either her BS or mostly men. This company is woman run - and smart women can spot a fake piece of shit a mile away...I hope she gets eaten alive there since she isn't very good at the job she was hired for in the first place. I'm just patiently waiting on karma. And I don't feel bad about that bc she is still married and her WH makes a good living so her being fired wouldn't put her kids in the poor house, just embarrass her. Which I would smile about. (I know, it's not Christian of me, but I'm nowhere near forgiveness with her and probably never will be unless she somehow makes a change and decides to apologize to me.)

As for the idea of misdirected anger? Oh, I am plenty pissed at my WH too. It's why he lives in constant fear that I will leave him. I don't mince words when I tell him how his selfish behavior wrecked our life. I told him yesterday that I don't even consider us married because the vows we took are void and the covenant has been broken. Until I decide that he is worthy of my loyalty, I only have loyalty to being a good person, friend, mother. Not to our marriage.

We have MC today, then an axe-throwing date. I'm excited about that. I will be visualizing the AP's face on that target. I also appreciated that the reason WH planned this was because he's doing it with his office for a Christmas activity. And I told him a while back that I had been wanting to do it for a year and I found it frustrating that he would be doing it with his office (which makes me bitter bc his cOWhore started planning holiday parties during the day when she came and spouses were uninvited). So he planned this date with me to go before he goes with the office.

Happy Fucking Friday ladies. Tonight, my toast will go up for SOS. I know you are sick of surviving, but I think you are AMAZING for doing it. I hope you did something nice for yourself today.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 10:05 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

SOS - I hear you. But SI is much like anything else. Take the best and leave the rest.

There is a lot of best here. Us Womenz - we are the best. Our Dictionary - that is the fucking best. D2DW you've laughed reading here.

Thanks TX!

(((SOS)))

I have to go on a "team building" thing with work today. Bowling.

So yeah, I don't play well with others and can't stand some of our "team". AAAAAAnnnnnnd bowling... such a trigger cus that is where shitbag wanted to take slutcake on their first "date". Apparently that was a huge bone of contention for him (that I heard all about when we were attempting R) that I never went bowling with him (that and that I had the audacity to expect him to make the fucking bed everyday - SMH). I don't wanna go on this stupid fucking trip today.

And it is snowing so took forever to get to work, and I had agreed to go to a thing this afternoon, but I don't wanna and I feel guilty.

FTW today.

(((SOS))) I feel a lot like you. I hold onto anger a lot. It must be some kind of protective mechanism.

Honestly this is the hardest thing I've ever had to live through and In-House Separation isn't making any of this easier. It's like I am finding more and more things to be angry about. The loss of dreams, the loss of the way I wanted to raise my kids, loss of money, loss of home, it feels like a lose lose all the way around.

I have not recovered. It has been 7 years I have been on here. I still think about it all everyday. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed because this has made me mentally ill literally.

Any happiness I get is fleeting, it never lasts long enough before the anger and depression comes back. I'm on meds permanently now because I can't even survive without them.

Just know you are not alone. PM if you ever feel like talking or getting it out. I understand limbo and being stuck. I was stuck for financial reasons too, but my STBX's narcissistic abuse became too much. I just broke.

Sending you so many hugs today!

Ellie - fuck. A team building that is a trigger.

If you can detach yourself from it - you have multiple chances to roll a 10 lb ball at 10 pins. Make good use of that.

I'm betting you'll win! I'm also betting you will say "fuck" a few times while you do so. That's OK.

I'm getting a little annoyed with other BWs comparing their unremorseful CHs to my fch. I feel defensive about it, I guess. I want to say they are not the same. But, I don't want to come across like I'm stomping my feet and whining, "But, my man isn't like that." He was. He's not anymore. I'm not naive. I don't have rose colored glasses for my fch. I let it slide, but the more it's done, the more it bothers me.

Yes, I completely feel the same way! Yes, he was absolutely wrong but he knows it and is doing all he can to gain my trust and rebuild our relationship. He made horrible decisions during a really bad time in his life. He has owned up to it and realizes this. He is still a good person. That is wayyyyy different than an unremorseful spouse.

TX: So sorry about your hair! So unfair! I hear you on the hatred for OW. I also hate the OW not only for knowing and not caring that he was married with children, but then the stalking and not taking no for an answer. The fact that she had the balls to involve my parents (with the potential involvement of my children) is just simply repulsive and unforgivable.

Coco: I am so sorry, I meant to comment on your son. I am so sorry he got into trouble. Hopefully he has learned a lesson.

I thought of another thing that bothers me lately. When people hear about a spouse cheating and saying that it should definitely a dealbreaker no matter that. If there is one thing I have learned it is that you never know how you react to something until you are living it. The whole "Once a cheater, always a cheater" thing drives me insane. Nothing is black and white.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 7:07 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

I'm getting a little annoyed with other BWs comparing their unremorseful CHs to my fch.

It's true not all WS's are the same. I'm not sure why the comparisons are made when there isn't one. Not all BS's react the same to infidelity either. There are so many nuances.

SOS, I thought you had a more recent dday. Maybe I'm thinking of when you said you were separated. Either way, having extreme anger when you are still sharing your life with an unremorseful CP is completely understandable.

My son is good. Thanks. 2 day suspension including yesterday. He goes back to school monday. 7 days no wrestling. Basically, the minimum they could subject him to. He learned his lesson from the moment he was caught. They saw it. He was crying the entire time, and this is a 15 year old boy at school. Consequences weren't necessary for that. I understand that the school admins think something is necessary.

It doesn't bother me when someone says that their CP does the same thing mine did. It bothers me when someone says they are the same, my CH is just like yours. Yes, they are both cheaters, but that's where the similarities end as far as I can see.

Coco, I think it's normal to get defensive about it. Like you said, the only thing we know about him is that he is a cheater.

Exactly! If he came on here posting on almost every thread with his wisdom, I wouldn't expect you to believe him or want to hear his shit. There would be absolutely no reason for you to trust him. If you saw him on the street and punched him in the nose, I would be ok with that. Throw Momma from the Train, anyone?

Did I tell I'm banned from the wayward forum? That's one reason I don't read there. I'd have to log out to do it, and that's a pain. I got banned because I posted some nasty shit on there in my early days. I was asked by admin to remove my post. I refused. They banned me for life! Probably for the best. I don't mince words much.

I don't like feeling defensive. It means there's something going on with me. That's why I take a deep breath and walk away. I hate to admit this. Please, do not judge me. I think a lot of my feelings with this may be my own ego. I don't want to be seen as someone who put up with the kind of shit their CHs are putting them through. I don't think I did, even if my fch did behave like theirs. I didn't take it. I pushed back hard!

I know how awful that sounds, like I think m better than them. I don't. It's just my nasty ego sneaking in, which is another reason I don't say anything about it. I know that part of me is lying, if that makes sense.

I'm not sure why the comparisons are made when there isn't one.

Maybe they're seeing something I'm not. Maybe they are talking about past behavior, and I'm reading it as present behavior. Although, even my fch's past behavior, other than the cheating, wasn't like those other CHs present wayward behavior, from my pov.

Daisy, I used to say that cheating was one of my 3 absolute dealbreakers. If you cheated one me, I was out. Period. It's kind of funny because, when fch and I would talk about what we'd do in that situation when we were first married, I always said I'd be gone. He said it would depend. Looking back now, I wonder if that was a red flag. Somewhere in his mind, cheating could be excusable.

Once your lives are so intertwined with kids and finances and living from years and years of M, it's difficult to just walk away.

Just catching up on the thread.

Big hugs SOS. We are here for you. Stick with us.

TX my hair is falling out due to hormones. I found viviscal supplement helped a lot. Took 6 months to see results. I also found dermarolling my scalp helpful.

Talking about hating the AP....fucking piece of lying shit woman. Nah, I’m not mad at her.

I’m not excusing my douchebag but she’s a piece of work. She manipulated him as much as he did. She actively engaged him to have the A. Yeah, douchebag could be lying according to him she didn’t want to end it. He wanted to stop but she pleaded with asshole because her marriage is bad.

Well, I had a conversation with EXBF. I’m guessing I should feel blessed he’s willing to answer my questions. I need some sort of answers and it is helping me heal. BUT I think some of the shit WW say....their are broken records.

Why did he have the affair? He experienced an ease (yeah a month after DD he told me it was “depth”) that he never experienced with another woman. An ease that was missing from our relationship. WTF? Ease? Yes, ease of conversation and connection.

Of all the women he’s been with, he never had this “ease” - was wonderful for him.

Told him I experience ease with lots of people, what’s so special about that? It was different “ease”. They flowed with each other. Ease he can’t find with me. I cause trouble.

Shit me, I was pissed. Actually still pissed because OF COURSE he had ease. No responsible. Meet up away from all the stress of life. Where am I? In fucking suburbia. The ease and comfort of laundry, grocery shopping and driving to work. Oh fucking ease, isn’t he lucky.

I remember “ease” when he and I started dating.

ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR. Dumb ass and I were living a real world life. Of course it lacked ease. Fuck, maybe if he had taken me to one convention, we could experienced ease.

Holly shit ladies, talking with him makes me realize I don’t think I even like him.

God, talk about people cheating with someone with kids. Well, douchebag didn’t even think twice about POSOW’s husband or kid when it all started (I asked him). Later he was riddled with guilt knowing what he was doing, but of course that didn’t stop him.

I’m happy to report the full reality of having this shitty A out in the open has ended their bubble. The glitter is gone.

That said the glitter of our relationship is gone too.

He admits he has no clue why he ever got involved with her since it wasn’t worth the price. He’s realizing something is wrong with him.

Gotta love this, douchebag and POS decided to have sexual boundaries so me and her husband won’t be hurt. What the fuck? Told him he’s a selfish asshole. Oh aren’t I so lucky? Dickhead is protecting me (said like a Disney princess voice).

He realizes that he loves me very much and regrets all the hurt. It’s was weird because I could see the remorse, then the guilt, followed by no regrets to what has happened. I could see him moving through all the phases.

Anyhoo, told him to lick my boots and kiss my ass. I might come back.

But I’m left with this lingering feeling of who he really can be. Why would I want that?

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Hi Womenz!!

Hope you all had a restful weekend.

See you tomorrow

Good morning womenz!!

Coco, I used to say I would never stay if he cheated. But as the years went by, I also felt that depending on the situation I wouldn't just throw in the towel and destroy our family without at least trying. My husband says that he doesn't think he could ever forgive me if I did the same thing.

He realizes that he loves me very much and regrets all the hurt. It’s was weird because I could see the remorse, then the guilt, followed by no regrets to what has happened

LH, that is very telling right there. You deserve better. ((hugs))

I had a little bit of a breakdown yesterday morning. Those damn Facebook memories that pop up kill me every time. This time it was Thanksgiving 2016. We look like the perfect couple, perfect family. Yet just weeks before he was on one of his trips "to find himself" and was really with the fucking whore. It kills me to see how he had this secret life that I was clueless about at that moment in the photo. I told him it makes me question if I'm still "clueless" now. He understands that and just promised me he will continue to do his best to show me how committed he is now to our M and family.

OF COURSE he had ease. No responsible. Meet up away from all the stress of life.

Exactly! It's not real. It's a fantasy