Newest Member: MissKitty

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

Topic is Sleeping.
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:28 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Aww... Ellie - a donut mug and a hammer? Now THAT is a Christmas gift!

Anything can be rhinestoned and glitterfied. One can not oversparkle.

Coco - don't worry about defining what you feel and why. You aren't triggered. You are at peace. Go with that flow. Enjoy it. In fact, treat yourself to something - even if it is a cup of coffee in solitude.

Tallgirl - bring us along! We can help you pick out boots.

LH - PP wasn't it for you. That's OK. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He's just not the guy for you.

Oh - and FUCK Wednesday's.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3268   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8470406
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 1:22 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Good morning ladies. I have been following along.

Ellie, my best advice for your vacation, is stay busy. I am finding there arent enough things to keep me busy at home. My mind won't be still.

Coco, I love your attitude. It's also kinda cool to know you attribute it, in part, to yoga. I had already started looking for a beginner class near me. I will get more serious.

LH, oh Peter... oh well. He will make a perfectly passive mate for someone else.

Those 2 threads sound awful. I, quite literally, read the original post and that's it. I'm glad I didn't read them now.

Chaos, I agree. Fuck a bunch of Wednesday. Seriously.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8470431
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:24 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

I read the posts - skipped over a lot of the interplay and posted my 2 cents.

Then moved on to coffee and my Womenz and fucking all Wednesdays.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3268   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8470433
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 1:36 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Coco, you are definitely just at peace now which is a great place to be.

TG, hugs to you! I can absolutely see how that thread would trigger the hell out of you. I honestly am finding it best to just stick to this womenz thread. Who needs extra triggers in their lives?

LH, you don't need to rush into anything so if he's a bad kisser right away, that's a big sign that it is just not meant to be.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8470440
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 1:54 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

PP! Haha!

treat yourself to something - even if it is a cup of coffee in solitude.

I am sitting here with my dog in the peace and quiet enjoying my coffee as I read this. I was thinking, "This is MY time." H at work, older boys at school, youngest still asleep. So nice!

I must admit that I got a bit annoyed at H last night. He wasn't doing anything in particular. He was actually being quite pleasant and helpful. Just his presence, I guess. When we went to bed, he put his hand on my side. I wanted to pull away. 😕

Ah, yes, those 2 threads. Those types of threads used to get to me. I think they are inflammatory on purpose, maybe just to get attention. I usually put in my 2 cents and then get involved in side convos.

I'm so tired of the alpha/beta and playing games/inauthentic shit. It's the same thing over and over no matter how many times it's challenged or debunked. I don't think it's trolling, per se, but I do think the person is purposely sticking to the same narrative. Some people can't move on.

SOS, do the yoga! It is amazing. I had already been working on acceptance and gratitude for many, many years. I've been in lots of therapy for over 35 years now. The yoga gives me a place with like minded people all focused on it at the same time. The energy is amazing. That's one major reason I pay for a studio membership even though I could, and sometimes do, do my own home practice. That is where I have met all my newest set of friends.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8470455
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8470466
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 2:38 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

KTHITD is perfect. Thanks for the addition, Chaos. And thanks for the laugh. I can see you in those store aisles and it makes me smile!

I'm woefully behind but I've read everything.

Coco - it seems to me like you are detached. And honestly, it has always seemed that way. Not detached in a 180 way, but detached to keep yourself safe kind of way. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. You seem at peace with yourself. You've been working towards your yoga teacher goal, you and your FCH get along okay, you are enjoying your life. I think after infidelity, finding ANY peace with life is a win. As for the clothes thing, I'm with you on the folding but I'm your husband. If I want to do some special Marie Kondo thing (I do with my shirts) or the towels folded a certain way, I don't say a word to my WH. I just refold them. I appreciate the fact that the laundry is clean and folded. My specific wants regarding that are completely my issue. And the shirt WAS passive aggressive. But his conflict avoidance is something you both know about and hopefully something he will continue to work on.

GMC - Do it! Self-care. Go away and recharge. Girl, you DESERVE it! We cannot control them. And at this point you can love them and not let them steal your joy. (I know guilt is powerful though and it's always easier said than done.)

(((NorthernMSB))) I am so sorry that the actual holiday is a DDay. That really sucks. And your first anniversary to boot. I hope you find a way to find a little joy. I personally changed EVERYTHING about how I did the holidays and that did make it a little easier. We actually went out of the country for Thanksgiving that year (no Thanksgiving in England!) and for Christmas gave each other experiences, which meant a weekend and sports event in another city as a family. Mixed everything up. I just needed NEW instead of grieving the old. We are doing the same this year. LA for Thanksgiving week. No turkey dinner. Christmas is being spent away as well. Perhaps you can find a way to mix things up a bit too. Make some new traditions or memories.

HHADL - The stories your DD tells just break my heart. What a fucking asshole their dad was to them (and obviously you!) I have said it before and I'll say it again, they are so blessed that you came into their life. Maybe that is the whole reason you had to have the crappy WH you did. So that you could make that connection and be a source of comfort for them and have that relationship with them.

Daisy - Woo hoo on your Lasik! So glad you did that for you. Glad you had a nice getaway weekend. :)

((TallGirl)) Big hugs to you. This infidelity shit is so hard. And limbo is soul-crushing. You are not alone and you are so strong.

LH - Passive Peter needs to go. On to the next great thing. Though it might be your pup today. Don't settle. Don't try to fix. They need to BRING IT to land you.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 8:41 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8470482
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 2:40 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Thanks Coco. Yeah, with my life, I have been in and out of therapy, AAOC (adult children of alcoholics), read enough self help books, articles, internet, you name it.

My girls and I joke that it sucks to be crazy and smart...

I started looking for a therapist again, but I just don't think I can get any more out of talk therapy.

It's time to find my zen. My DD25 and I had a great talk. She is so right. I have been in survival mode my whole life. I dont ever remember having peace. I need peace.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8470484
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 2:44 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

SOS - When you find that zen, let us in on the secret hiding place. I hope you do. I feel the same way about talk therapy right now.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8470487
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 2:54 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Right TX. As I sit here shaking. Time for my morning panic attack.

I dont have a computer. My tablet is dead in a drawer. I cant charge it, it's too big of a trigger.

So here I sit, shaking so bad I can barely type this out. Infidelity. The gift that keeps on giving.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8470497
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 2:59 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

((SOS))I know that feeling. Deep breaths, ground yourself. This too shall pass. This is such hard work and it's so fucking unfair that we have to do it because our spouses were pieces of shit. But we can. You have had a LOT of shit thrown at you in your life and you've weathered the storm and you will weather this one.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8470500
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:01 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

SOS - breathe. NOW - tell us the following:

4 things that are blue

4 things that are shiney

4 things that plug in

4 things that have buttons

This little exercise makes you think of something else and refocus the brain. Takes practice. But please try.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3268   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8470553
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 4:10 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

When you find that zen, let us in on the secret hiding place.

It's called yoga, union of the mind and body.

I knew Chaos would be along with the panic attack recovery checklist. I love that!

TX, yes, I am detached. Problem is that is my unhealthy coping skill. I tend to dissociate.

SOS, I've been thinking about finding a new IC. I'm in the same place. Not sure more talk therapy will do me any good. After my experience with rile playing and EMDR, I don't see it talk therapy the same way I used to. I spent years in talk therapy. It helped get through the day, the week, the month. It didn't help me recover from my ptsd and other issues. It was more like an impermanent plug for the dam.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8470559
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

Oy vey! What a crazy panic attack-y morning.

I have tried all my tricks. I'm beginning to wonder how much mopping is too much. I needed physical. I'm about ready to call my doctor for a xanax.

Coco, I'm a huge therapy advocate. Hell my daughter is a therapist. But at some point, what more can they do? I have the tools. I'm talked out. It doesnt change one damn thing about my fucked up life.

I am not using unhealthy coping strategies. Well unless you count freakishly cleaning and organizing. I'm not eating my feelings. I'm not, like the rest of my family, using drugs or alcohol. I am feeling my feelings (they suck). I AM NOT FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE!

I just don't know what else there is. I have heard amazing things, from other cancer survivors, that credit their mental well being with yoga and meditation. It certainly cant hurt.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8470594
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 8:25 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

5 dates and only one French kiss which was meh. Last date I got 4 pecks on the lips with a ton of cuddling. Either way this guy is not sexual or he’s waiting for me to make the moves, which I did on that one French kiss.

I am old.

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8470761
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 10:41 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

WARNING...Profanity laced rant

Just my opinion. I think fucking cheaters that use that stop sign are giant ass pussies.

If you're fucking ballsy enough to cheat, take your fucking medicine.

Cant hurt the little pansys feelers. Seriously. Fuck those people.

I am so pissed today. Pissed that those pieces of human excrement get to be all happy. All better. All so fucking proud of themselves.

And meanwhile, I am still trying to figure out how to fucking brush my teeth 4 fucking years later. Why the actual fuck do those people get to be happy? They certainly don't deserve it.

I despise the cheaters today. More than usual. On the betrayed side, we are all fighting to survive the holidays. Those fuckers are whining about missing their co-cheater.

Seriously fuck each and every one of them in the ass with a fucking cactus!

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8470842
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:00 PM on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019

SOS that cracked me the fuck up

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3143   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8470850
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wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 9:26 AM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

PM for you sickofsurviving

FBH - 50 FWW - 50 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 14 & 18
The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 54753   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 8471019
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 1:03 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

She is so right. I have been in survival mode my whole life. I dont ever remember having peace. I need peace.

SickofSurviving

I'm feeling so much like you and wish I had an answer. Every counselor I've gone to has told me I'm so hyper-vigilant, it's hard to break down my barriers.

I actually even asked my psychiatrist about shock treatments and she didn't dismiss the idea (although she didn't run with it either). She did go on to say that my upbringing (alcoholism runs deep on both sides of my family) plus my personality plus my genetic markers combined to make a really sad and sorry sad sack who can't seem to get it together.

Anyway, virtual hugs to you. Wish we could sit down with some coffee (or vodka) and talk about all this. In the meantime, if you figure out how to get the mind to go in a different direction, please let me know.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8471051
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 1:39 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

4 things that are blue

4 things that are shiney

4 things that plug in

4 things that have buttons

This little exercise makes you think of something else and refocus the brain. Takes practice. But please try.

This is great. I am going to remember this when needed.

SOS- hope you are doing better this morning.

So my FWH has a full head of thick hair, in his late 40's. The other day he told me he is noticing less hair in one spot on the right side of his head in the past few months. He compared pictures from July to October and I do notice it. He thinks it is from putting his head on on my pillow after DDay as we spoon and fall asleep. We have been doing that more every night since DDay. Also could be from the stress from the rough time we were going through. He is thinking it is from stress and/or the pillow. His hair today is looking better than it did in that October picture. Either way, is it wrong that a l part of me is glad that this happened to him? Or at least I don’t feel bad for him. Cheat on me and you lose hair. Karma.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 7:58 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8471067
Topic is Sleeping.
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