SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cheated on my ex-W and rebound gf 45 years ago. My cheating was more like 1 or 2 night stands rather than affairs all with single non-married women. This was 45+ years ago when I was in my 20s. Because I stated this when I join SI, I was labeled a wayward now on SI.

My ex-W divorcing me for cheating on her was the best thing she could have done for the both of us. She got out of infidelity, went on to remarry, divorce again because he wasn't me, and just recently remarried for the third time after an LTR.

The divorce freed me up to have many lovers over the next 5 years and only being committed to being single. I never planned to remarry ever again. I just wasn't the one and only kind of guy in those days. Then, I met my wonderfully beautiful wife. She is very successful in life and career to boot. We have built a great, loving, and monogamous life together of 40+ years.

Will I forever be known as a cheater even with being faithful to my wife for 40+ years? Even felons get paroled and forgiven at some point.

I would consider you a former wayward just like I am. I cannot post in JFO due to being one and rightly so. I do think it is good to have the wide range of voices and experiences here at SI including yours ;)

I'm curious: What brought you to SI after all this time?

As far as the boundaries and labels on SI, if you've been a WS or a MH at any time, you're to respect the raw feelings of a new BS and stay out of the JFO forum. You're also permitted to post on stop sign threads in the Wayward forum. Otherwise, you can reject the label.

So you have never been a betrayed spouse. You do not have that as an insight. You have only ever been a bs. The main difference on this site is who can post in "just found out", and on stop sign posts in the wayward forum. The reason is because as a ws we can trigger a new bs terribly at a very fragile time. And that same thing can happen to new ws so we have the stop sign to keep harsher words out of the responses.

Frankly, some of the ways you talk about your cheating would still be very triggering to new bs’s.

Why is it important to you to be seen a certain way by a group of anonymous posters?

What is your goal in being here? Does it conflict with that goal? For the rest of us it’s either to help or continue our learning.

I had an affair 7 years ago, and have also been cheated on. I am fine with my labeling. With the work I have done I would and others here might refer to me as a reformed ws. Since you have not cheated on your current wife in your long term marriage, you might also be considered in that way as people get to know you. It’s not for me to say. I don’t run around pulling out "former ws" unless the situation warrants.

Don't have a goal. I retired a few years ago and stumbled across this forum looking for something else. The threads here got me to thinking back on my relationship with the ex-W. Never really thought about it for the last 40+ years.

Why do I have to have a goal or an agenda?

You don’t have to have a goal or agenda, personally I was trying to connect why you don’t want a label and whether or not it was hindering you from meeting your goals on this site. If there aren’t any goals then why would you not want to be classified as having ws experience. Your POV is what you have experience in and that helps us all communicate better.

I hope you stay and examine some of the accountability you had in your behaviors then. Growth is available to everyone even if it’s from a long ago situation.

I think this is one of those once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic (even if you’ve been on the wagon for 40 years) situations.

Even felons get paroled and forgiven at some point.

Parole is not the same a pardon. A paroled felon may have served their time and learned from their mistakes, may be considered a low risk for recidivism, and may have been living a good and virtuous life for many years … but they are still a felon. They may have long been forgiven by their victims and society for their crimes, but would still need to disclose their record on a job application or whatever if asked.

Will I forever be known as a cheater even with being faithful to my wife for 40+ years?

You can build whatever life or name for yourself you want in the rest of your life and the people around you can make their judgements accordingly. I assume you have not spent the last 40 years walking around wearing a scarlet letter, nor should you. But yes, based on the rules of this site, you are required to self identify as a WS and that affords you certain posting privileges and restrictions. This is not intended to punish or ostracize but to create safe spaces for BSs and WSs alike to share and heal.

For the record, and please know that I say this from a healed place (but certainly not everyone reading this will be there), asking this question AT ALL (especially without context) sounds a lot like, "Jesus Christ, are you going to punish me FOREVER!?" which is a refrain that I’d wager most BSs have heard at some point or another - typically FAR too early in the day by someone who clearly does not comprehend the enormity of the hurt and devastation they have caused. Perhaps something to consider.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 4:33 AM, Thursday, May 16th]

I think an important thing to also see here in this community is that some of the most respected members are former waywards. I’ll point out the likes of WOES, hikingout, DaddyDom, (no offense to anyone I’m not mentioning) they are highly honored. Whatever concern you might have for labels, I don’t think that is any true issue in how you are perceived in this community.

I’m still curious, what is it that you are concerned about here? What don’t you have that you want, and how is that related to us all knowing what you have freely told?

IH--I have been lurking on here a year or so maybe 2 before you joined about 4 years now. I remember your first post.

To be honest, I am fascinated with the BH reactions to getting cheated on by their WW. I really don't comprehend their reactions to being betrayed. I get so mad for them. I want to reach through the screen and give them a good shake. I rarely read the BW posts.

I started this post when another member started a wayward alert when I posted on a reconciliation thread. I wanted to see what type of replies I would get. The typical as I expected unfortunately.

There have been BHs I have a lot of respect for such as SpaceGhost007, BeyondRage, Cromer, AmbivalentOne, MrFlibbles, even Thumos with all his angst. Most divorced and a couple reconciled.

I don't post much for the very reactions I've been receiving.

I joined almost 2 years ago now. I’m honored you have followed my shitty story, and that you seem to not respect my approach as I’m not on your list of kick ass BH’s.

Still not sure what you want that you don’t have, or more accurately couldn’t have with time and growth.

I guess I just miss interacting with people outside of my wife and sons since retirement. I was in IT prior to retiring. I was always on the phone, messaging, or remoting into clients' environments assisting with their security for identity management of their end-users.

As far as my list, I think immediate divorce when infidelity occurs is best practice. But, I thought you pulled the trigger too quickly for divorce after all that time you invested. I actually started rooting for you to reconcile--not often my normal stance. You got to do what you got to do though.

What do you think has you coming to SI for connection versus another type of forum?

What do you think what sounds like a mix of frustration/confusion/fascination at BH's for their reactions says about you? Why do you think you're not reading BW posts? Could it be avoidance?

You keep repeating that your first wife leaving you was the best thing. That can be true, and it can be something you recognize intellectually. Healing though is like growing up. If we skip the messy and uncomfortable stages to get to the end goal (or what we think is the end goal), we can look fine or mature on the surface. Without doing the deep work though, that's really just a role we're putting on, even, maybe especially to, ourselves.

I'm wondering if maybe you're here because you sense on some level that there are lessons you still have to learn from 40+ years ago. What did you learn about yourself from your affair? I hear that you realized you weren't ready to be in a monogamous committed relationship at the time, but what had you go for an affair rather than, divorcing your wife to date freely or doing what you needed to be satisfied with what you had?

If you don’t want to be called a bank robber, don’t rob a bank.

Hi, Atomic! Thanks for posting here and I hope you continue to do so.

Will I forever be known as a cheater even with being faithful to my wife for 40+ years?

I think it depends on where you go. For instance, because of the rules here on SI (as someone else stated) you would fall into that category. If you are at a party with your current wife, you will be labeled as a faithful husband. Again as previously stated, the WS label here is solely to protect newly BS until they heal. Other than that, you sound like you are now a faithful husband and I am very proud of you!

You said something I wanted to ask you about. You said:

To be honest, I am fascinated with the BH reactions to getting cheated on by their WW. I really don't comprehend their reactions to being betrayed. I get so mad for them. I want to reach through the screen and give them a good shake.

I am a BH and my story here begins when I caught my WW for the 3rd time. Could you please expound on the reasons for you being fascinated and mad at my reactions to learning about her betrayal?

Micro thread jack….

even Thumos with all his angst

Anybody know what happened to Thumos? He seems to have disappeared from here….

I feel a little like Morted in that you may still have some residual feelings about what you did.

It sounds like though you feel that reconciliation is a weak thing to do. I don’t disagree that it’s strong to be definitive and know what you want.

However, it’s strong to love too. To see people as fallible and redeemable. To be able to see that people don’t do things because of other people, not really. They do them because of themselves.

My cheating was not a statement of my husband’s virility. It’s true, I disregarded him, I wasn’t loving him acting the way I was. But it takes a lot of courage to try and forgive someone. It takes a lot of courage to say I love you anyway, or despite of.

Just keep in mind the decision to divorce takes different people different lengths of time to reach. These Bh’s that you get so mad for just had everything ripped out from under them. It’s disorienting, traumatic, and it’s not like you can turn the love you felt off like a faucet. These men are trying to ascertain their next steps. They don’t want to see their kids half the time or barely survive on half the financial resources they currently have.

I think divorce is a valid option, so is wait to see what can be done. While my affair (or his for that matter) will never be something we will be happy that happened, we have a very fulfilling relationship today. It takes time to see which way to go, and since you have not been in their shoes, it comes across like back seat driving. They didn’t believe their wives were capable of it anymore than you think your wife is.

All this to say if you want gentler treatment, give gentler treatment. People are fighting battles that you haven’t fought.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:38 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

You’re getting the reactions you expect because you come off as completely lacking remorse. First, even though you are a self proclaimed serial cheater, from your ex to multiple gf after, you have yet to say anything about how much pain you caused, and if your BW had an RA post your A, you would have immediately cheated on her again to A: Fuel your ego and to B: hurt her back as much as possible.

Next, you state that you didn't "love enough to not cheat". Again, this shows lack of insight, and remorse, and like I said previously it’s putting blame on your Ex for your actions. You married her, yet because of whatever issue, you cheated. You state how it was the best thing for you, yet never have you said anything about the pain you caused her. Hell you even said your ex married someone else and then D because "he wasn’t me".

And finally, you’re coming off as a savage hypocrite. Multiple times you admit to cheating, but you lack any respect for any BH who attempts R with their WW. And this seems to be specific to BH/WW. Of course you allowed to feel whatever, but as you have never been betrayed and express a bias towards women cheating though you are a repeat cheater yourself, regardless of the timeframe, you can expect reactions such as mine.

On entering this site, you get a Welcome message. Part of that message says:

All who have been impacted by infidelity are welcome here, even the betraying partner, provided they are remorseful and committed to healing.

I think you will always be considered a former wayward on this site. It’s more a question of if you will be judged negatively as a former wayward and if other posters show you disrespect as a wayward. Neither should be accepted, and if you experience that then send the staff a message. After all – on the Welcome page you can also find this nugget:

We ask all members to please follow our code of showing respect, patience and compassion through this very difficult time you all are facing.

Just remember that request also applies to you and how you post.

The former waywards on this site are IMHO some of the most important contributors. It requires an immense level of soul-searching to meet the requirements of remorse and healing. Most of us have a tendency of sweeping away what might be our biggest shame and hope it goes away. The waywards that contribute are constantly reminding others of their past – and hopefully showing that change can be made.

There are limitations to where posters can contribute and the content/tone of the contributions. The site is more open for venting in JFO than in Reconciliation; Waywards can’t post in JFO but have more privileges and protection in the Wayward forum; General is more open than Reconciliation; Off Topic is totally infidelity-free. This is quite clearly outlined in the Welcome page, the Guidelines and the description at the entrance to all forums. A lot of staff-work relates to users not respecting those simple rules.

I have to say that you are unusual Atomic in that you have such a strong stance AGAINST those that did what you did and what got you the Golden Ticket to be allowed here. We all might have a strong stance against infidelity, but maybe not all against the person. Sort of a hate the sin, love the sinner attitude. One might even deduct some self-hate in that.

I also want to point out a mistake that many tend to do. By stating:

My cheating was more like 1 or 2 night stands rather than affairs all with single non-married women.

It makes it sound like you are minimizing your actions. Something a non-repentant wayward might do... Sort of like standing in front of a jury of your peers and saying it was only one bank you robbed, and it wasn’t even a big one...

I actually don't have any remorse or guilt.

I married the ex-W for the wrong reason. She was pregnant and I succumbed to the pressure from my family to marry her so our son wouldn't be born a bastard. We lost him around the 7th month.

I never had an affair. I had a one-night stand. Got caught because I left work to conduct the ONS. The ex-W forgave me. I had a second ONS. We separated for a bit and got back together. I was out one night--not cheating. She didn't like it and was done. I don't blame her. This all happened over a 3-year period including the 6 months wait time to divorce. So, fairly short time frame really.

Beachwalker--I don't recall your story. I read it; but, I have read thousands of them on here and elsewhere. I will have to go back and review. But my fascination with BHs is due to the depth of their anguish at being betrayed. I have never felt the emotions BHs write about. I guess I don't don't feel that deeply. I sometimes wonder if I am a psychopath. When faced with adversity or an emergency situation, I spring to action in a methodical method putting my feelings on the back burner until the issue is resolved. I am a very good guy to have on your side in a fight. Well, I used to be. I am old now, LoL!

I guess I just miss interacting with people outside of my wife and sons since retirement. I was in IT prior to retiring. I was always on the phone, messaging, or remoting into clients' environments assisting with their security for identity management of their end-users.

This is an odd place to end up if all you are looking for is a voice on the other end of the phone. Like others said, you might ask yourself if you get some kind of fascination with the salacious nature of infidelity still after all this time and if so, maybe ask why.

As far as my list, I think immediate divorce when infidelity occurs is best practice. But, I thought you pulled the trigger too quickly for divorce after all that time you invested. I actually started rooting for you to reconcile--not often my normal stance. You got to do what you got to do though.

That wasn’t a decision I was going to crowdsource. Thanks for rooting for me, anyway. Hikingout said everything I would have said, and of course better, as always.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:20 PM, Thursday, May 16th]