SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a fear of mine and I’m afraid to ask.

Did you believe that your WS gave the AP the impression when they ended things that the reason had more to do with your kids and family and not wanting to harm them versus choosing you as the spouse again and that they were still willing to make your marriage work?

I hate the thought that the AP might still feel like she still has his heart but he’s staying out of obligation. Do you believe that your WS left the AP with that gift and if so how do you live with it? I hate the idea that he’d leave her with any shred of dignity or anything to treasure.

My W told AP she was going to work on R, and loved me very much. Weeks after Dday I saw her depressed but it was the crash from brain chemistry and not missing him personally. I made it my mission for her to understand how low of a person he is. When reality set in she was disgusted by AP, he was not her type at all, just a random guy playing a role in her fantasy.

AP's lingering impression is none of my concern. I can hardly imagine something that means less to me.

Howcthappen
This is a fear of mine and I’m afraid to ask.

Did you believe that your WS gave the AP the impression when they ended things that the reason had more to do with your kids and family and not wanting to harm them versus choosing you as the spouse again and that they were still willing to make your marriage work?

I hate the thought that the AP might still feel like she still has his heart but he’s staying out of obligation. Do you believe that your WS left the AP with that gift and if so how do you live with it? I hate the idea that he’d leave her with any shred of dignity or anything to treasure.

Dear Howcthappen, I really think you shouldn't spin your wheels around that. First, who cares what the AP thinks ? You couldn't care less about what this lousy woman, who had no thoughts and care about your mariage, yourself and your feelings at all.

And I will tell you something, from my own experience : when my wife and her lame AP broke up, she made it very clear she was going back to me because what they did was wrong, because she loved me and wanted to make amends, and make things work... Well guess what he told a mutual friend ? "I know she went back with him because she didn't have the guts to leave her man. But now that she cheated, I know their couple won't last long. His man will feel allowed to cheat and everything will be over".

I really pity this poor shadow of a man, who thinks everyone is as deceitful, lying, and untrustworthy as him. But this illustrates that what they can think has no importance whatsoever. The AP thinks he's still in love with her ? Well sad for her, because she'll be waiting a very long, long time

There could be a series of women from my husband’s past (before us getting married) that could believe he’s pining for them or that they are his true love and he’s with me just because he couldn’t be with them.

Who cares what they think? I’m not going to search each one of them and make sure they know he’s with me because he begged me not to divorce when I caught him cheating.

To entertain the thread though… AP initially took that path and kept posting bullshit on FB about true love and chained men staying for the kids, if you love someone let them go, all that stuff that ow tell themselves in order to feel better about their actions.

However, seeing that in the end I had to do the dirty work and clean up WH’s mess, we had a conversation (the three of us) 4 months post dday where I told her that WH has been asked to leave the martial home repeatedly and he refused even when I explained that, given the age of the kids (10 and 16), we had nothing to fight over and he can see them and spend time with them whenever he/they wished. So it turns up true love wasn’t that true, go figure.

The conversation ended with ow telling me he loves me so much, she can see how much he loves me because he’s so scared of losing me.

Someone on this forum, I can’t remember who, said that "I know my husband loves me because his girlfriend told me so" is a great t-shirt slogan and I have to agree, it is brilliant!

Seriously these APs would do anything to rationalise their actions and find justifications, otherwise what is there left? Admitting that they’ve been instrumental into deceiving another human being, they’ve been used and discarded when their presence became useless?

I understand WHY you are asking this question. I too was like you in questioning everything in my marriage, my H etc.

I was driving myself crazy and I did not have the benefit of SI until 3 years after Dday.

FWIW you know you cannot control the situation but yet in your mind you need to control it so you can reduce your anxiety and allay any fears that the AP still has any chance with your spouse.

In my personal experience I saw the letter my H wrote to the OW to end the affair. He was pledging his undying love and basically said he was staying for the kids.

😡😡😡

He claims he only wrote that because he feared being found out (her telling me). So he claims he was trying to end it gently.

However a month later when she tried to rekindle their friendship he completely ignored her. He never responded. He blocked her every way possible.

There was no further contact. But for 3 years I feared her re-starting the affair (even though my H was doing everything possible to make amends).

In my mind he left the door open for her. He pledged his undying love for her. And that made me unsettled.

Until the day came when I decided I was not living like this any longer. I decided if he’s going to leave me he’s going to leave me and there is nothing I can do to stop him.

But what I can do is restore my self esteem and live my best life. If he’s so miserable then he needs to go. And just like that, I no longer feel threatened by other women or situations or what I used to see as "threats"to my marriage.

And you know what? My H now fears I will D him! Not what I was trying to accomplish. But now he has the fear in him. Because I would not be leaving him for another man but b/c I’m dissatisfied with our marriage.

Don’t get me wrong I love my H. But I’m not putting up with any more crap from him. He has no more chances. And he knows it.

Luna10

To entertain the thread though… AP initially took that path and kept posting bullshit on FB about true love and chained men staying for the kids, if you love someone let them go, all that stuff that ow tell themselves in order to feel better about their actions.

Funny you say that. My wife's AP did exactly that, through FB pseudo-inspirational posts, with images that were directly linked to the places they went during the A, so no question this was directed at my wife. I must admit this put me in a rage at that time (2 years ago), and she had to endure my anger and my nasty comments. I didn't set up a talk with him and my wife though, as this would have inevitably ended with my fist in his face...

That being said, we both acknowledged such as post was childish and ludicrous. I find it pityful now when I think about it.

Luna10

Seriously these APs would do anything to rationalise their actions and find justifications, otherwise what is there left? Admitting that they’ve been instrumental into deceiving another human being, they’ve been used and discarded when their presence became useless?

They would do anything, that's very true. When we discover the A, the natural tendancy is to think "my WS has been used by this sorry POS !!!" when in reality it is almost always the opposite. An AP is nothing but the crutch a WS needs to feed his or her hubris...

[This message edited by iamjack at 9:50 AM, Thursday, May 4th]

I think the AP feels like a victim, rather then the accomplice she is 🙄

I don't think she's been left feeling that he misses her or that they are forbidden lovers who can't be together.

When he ended things my H told her that it was all lies, it wasn't real between either of them and that both of them are horrible people. She played the victim, and even cried saying why is it that when she finally find happiness it gets taken away from her (how delusional of her to think she could find happiness within someone else's marriage) 😡

He didn't profess his undying love and commitment to me (much to my disappointment), as he feared backlash from her regarding his job, but he did say that there is still a connection between us and he can't ignore that. She tried to tell him he can't just stay because of the kids, to which he said it was nothing to do with them, it's us. She asked if she could just check in with him now and again to see how he is but he said that would be seriously disrespectful and will ruin any chance of us working. He told her to just move on.

I can't say with all certainty what she really thinks but I know she will feel like the victim in all this and I know she hates that we are together.

Seems to be a running theme, she also put up a passive aggressive meme a few months after DD, clearly for my attention. Something about "pretending to have a perfect relationship on social media"...I only put up a few picks of our camping trip with the kids 🤣

Honestly, even if you H had professed his undying love and commitment to you and your marriage, you STILL wouldn't be able to control what she's left thinking. She will think what she thinks regardless. She has no dignity in the first place, she had an A with a married man.

Whiskyblues,

Yes! The OW in my situation thinks she was the victim of a "grand narcissist"😂😂😂. I Was told by her that she "should have known he was lying to me, you, all the others, and himself". Here is the kicker, she was also married and once my "friend". She thought they’d be together once it was finally discovered, instead he threw her under the bus immediately and ghosted her after one phone call. Ummm… that is some first class victimhood right there. I suppose my husband’s lies were inexcusable while hers were justified because she was "in love"😂🤮🤷‍♀️. It doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s just further proof of the delusions that go on in the head of a cheater.

Howcthappen, I'm glad you started this topic because I had similar thoughts and feelings. I absolutely hated the idea that she might think he loves her, he doesn’t really love me, he’s staying with me for the wrong reasons, etc. It’s good to know I’m not a weirdo for feeling like that!

Short story: few weeks before DDay he told her he’s unhappy in our relationship, he feels stuck, and that the relationship is not progressing. After DDay, I asked him (as part of the "no contact" conversation, which was technically "only strictly work-related contact", since he still had to work with her in the following months) to make it clear to her that she doesn’t mean anything to him, and that he loves me. He, ofc, didn’t do that – he said something like that he’s sorry for the way things turned out, and that he needs to fix things with me. On top of that, 2 months after DDay they exchanged a few inappropriate e-mails (he initiated it), which might’ve given her the impression that he doesn’t really care about me. Not to mention all the stuff he did during the betrayal, which might’ve given her the impression that he cares about her.

I was furious that she didn’t get the clear message: I don’t give a shit about you, I absolutely love my girlfriend (we got married few years later). I was told all the usual stuff: why do you care what she (or anyone else) thinks, you can’t control what someone will think, she got the message in the end (5-6 months after DDay ALL contact stopped since we moved, and he was no longer working there), blah, blah, blah. On a rational level, I knew all of that. However, my emotions about it were so strong, that no amount of rationality calmed them. And we weren’t even married back then, there were no kids, or anything that would indicate to her he’s staying out of obligation (except the fact that we were 11 years together, so there was some obligation present, but not as serious as marriage, kids, family).

For a very long time, I struggled with these feelings, I tried to convince myself I shouldn’t feel like that, I did my best to listen to others and convince myself it is not important what she thinks. One day I had enough. My feelings are valid, and no one gets to say what I should or shouldn’t feel. My feelings might be irrational, but I feel them. I don’t need to justify my feelings about this, or somehow make them rational, to be taken seriously. I feel them and I refuse to "live with them". I decided to do something about it.

I talked about it with my husband many times, and we made a plan. Perhaps she didn’t get the clear message early, but she can get it now! Ofc, contacting her years after DDay was out of the question. However, there are other ways. For example, he still had some contact with other ex-coworkers. We made it a point that he will find a way to mention me in any potential communication ("Hey, how are you, what’s up?" "Hey, I’m great, never been happier! Job is great, marriage is awesome, wife beautiful as always", and similar). There is one ex-coworker that’s very close to the OW – I’m pretty sure she saw the messages we sent to him. Also, if you have social media – use them to your advantage. We don’t have social media, but we do use one platform she uses too, and it’s possible she saw a beautiful-but-not-cringey post my husband wrote about me on that platform (I helped writing it). I also have a plan of what will we tell her if fate puts her on our path again (and with my luck, that’s inevitable). Oh, and I’m 99% sure she saw awesome photos from our wedding and heard how lovely and in-love we looked, but I won’t write details about it, that is, why am I so sure.

Howcthappen, your feelings are valid. Please, talk about them with your husband. Be a team – make a plan together how will you deal with those feelings. Perhaps you can do something about it, perhaps there’s a way to indirectly let her know now that he stayed because he loves you.

I can tell you – after what we did, I am aware she still might have some sick, twisted interpretation in her limited mind, but I am calm(er). As I know the message was sent and seen. This is the crux – not what she believes, but what my husband demonstrated. And what he will keep demonstrating, if an opportunity arises.

AP and OBS were family friends. We watched each other’s kids, backyard BBQ together, etc., they were the people who welcomed us to the new town.

It was AP who broke off the LTA in fear of my wife’s feelings being real, and he was done using her. The ‘break-up’ was brutal and left my wife in shock that the entire A wasn’t what she thought it was. Fast forward two years later, we have moved away to another state. The A is still a secret and AP stops by to visit and see how we’re doing. AP figured he could re-start the A from a safe distance and not worry about the day-to-day of a side relationship. It was the first and only time my wife told him no.

7-years later, AP was caught in another A and claimed he was a SA, and called my wife with a 12-step amends call. She hung up on him and refused his apology.

Not so special after all. Any of it.

All of that said, my wife initially stayed in the M because of our kids. Her confession would be years later.

I hate the idea that he’d leave her with any shred of dignity or anything to treasure.

I believe truth is always self evident. Dignity isn’t a word that EVER works with any aspect of lying and cheating.

I was very clear that I was not entering into any competition OW had set up, in my head or otherwise, and wanting her to know the truth (that she hadn’t mattered) would have been entering into it. Besides, it’s a fantasy bubble that may or may not be punctured by any amount of truth telling. I do know from talking to her that she had assumed from WH’s wooing that ‘ he had fallen out of love with me’, to which I could only be aghast at her IMO Hollywood understanding of love and comment with a laugh that we had indeed moved past limerance and all that falling stuff a very long time ago. But because in finishing it (before D day) he tried to do it kindly and did not explicitly disavow her fantasy of star-crossed lovers this meant she continued to fish until eventually NC was enforced by spelling out how little she had meant in less kind terms that felt conclusive and final, but ultimately therefore satisfying to me.

According to my WH he told her he loved me and wasn't going to leave me right from the beginning. Except, that he treated her like his wife (his exact words were that he treated her like he treated me-I would add that he treated her like he treated me when we first started dating because he sure as hell wasn't treating her like he was treating me at the time ) (he spent 6 days a week two hours away from home so he was able to have this second "relationship" while there). When he explained what exactly they did (outside of copulation that is), I told him that it sounded like a relationship and not just fuck buddies. That to him, even though he told her the truth, that he wasn't leaving me, his actions showed her something else and that's what she believed.

In our situation, the OW got pregnant. I'm 98% sure she did it on purpose. As I said, he was there for work and that was coming to an end. Once it did, they would never see each other again and I think she got desperate, thinking he would have to stay in her life if she had his child.

Anyway, after speaking to a lawyer, we called her (WH spoke, I just stayed silent and listened). Told her that communication wasn't needed unless and until paternity was established (she would send him sonograms and texts about going to the doctor, baby names, etc.). In the beginning of the conversation she was very "sweet". She even said hi to me as if we were old friends.
But once he told her NC was being placed she became angry. Accused him of being a coward and an asshole. She asked why he was being so "cold" and had he always been that way? The venom she spewed, at both of, simply because he had the audacity to want nothing to do with her or her precious OC was tremendous.

She kept trying after that to rope him back into talking about her pregnancy. At one point, after he had blocked her, she even sent me a message on FB (I had unblocked her for some snooping-I know I know-). It was a shitty message and she even "threatened" to inform our other children about their half sibling! I ignored it and warned my kids about it as we had already told them about the infidelity and possible OC. In the end I felt sorry for her. Pitied her. Poor woman to have been so desperate for love and companionship that she believed the fantasy of starting a new life with another woman's husband. To think so little of yourself that that was perfectly acceptable is tragic. Nothing she didn't deserve of course. But, I guess to answer your question, that door was firmly closed with absolutely no wiggle room no matter how much she squealed. Whatever she thinks the reason is for my WH's abandonment of her and OC, is quite frankly, none of my concern. She made her bed, she can lie on it all by herself.

I had a front row seat to what the adultery co-conspirator was believing. My H had his A with a woman he met on Tagged who agreed to NSA sex with him while he was working overseas. Their A lasted 9 1/2 weeks. Toward the end of him being in her country they were both talking about how they loved each other. My H confessed to his A 2 days after coming back home.

I immediately told my H that our M was over...and left the room so that he could contact the adultery co-conspirator and make plans for their future because WE were DONE. Within an hour though...we were discussing R. Between that time...my H had sent the adultery co-conspirator a message...telling her our M was over. They then started discussing their future.

When I came back in the room and we decided we would go for R...my H did my 1st ultimatum immediately...and sent the adultery co-conspirator a NC message. I didn't know about SI at this point...so my H sent a soft NC message where he told her that even though what they had was REAL...in order to work on our M...he would no longer be contacting her. He then wrote that I was the one who made him happy. I thought that was odd...and I asked him why he would write something like that. He told me how the adultery co-conspirator always told him that ALL she ever wanted was for him to be HAPPY...even if it wasn't with her. YEAH RIGHT!! He then went on to tell me that she was just like ME because she was SO NICE. YEAH RIGHT!!!

Anyway...the next morning my H got a reply back. MAN...did the adultery co-conspirator show her TRUE colors...LOL!!! She was PISSED!!! Within an hour of them discussing their future...he was DUMPING her???!!! Also...HOW DARE HE write to tell her that I made him happy!!! Was he so BLIND that he couldn't see that only SHE could make him happy??? Oh my gosh...I couldn't have scripted a better message to get whatever residual feelings my H had for her to VANISH!!! My H got so ANGRY at what she wrote...and he has NEVER looked back on that time with anything but DISGUST.

That did not stop the adultery co-conspirator from trying to contact him. For FIVE MONTHS she would try...every 2-3 weeks. After 5 months I had ENOUGH. I made up a new email address and then started sending HER a barrage of emails. I was determined to show her that TWO could play at this harassment game...and I WOULD WIN!! She finally took the bait and replied to one of my emails. She apologized of course...for IF she hurt me. She then proceeded to LIE to me...in order to hurt me!!

She wrote several things in that email that I was very HAPPY to answer. One was showing her how I knew she lied to me...giving details to let her know how my H shared everything with me about them. I also let her know that she was correct when she wrote to my H once about how she felt like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY.

Everything I wrote in that email was TRUE...but it was very vindictive. It worked...because after that email we have not heard anything from her since then. Looking back though...I went down to her level. I HURT another human being...and I don't feel good about being that kind of person.

I once read that we are the hero/heroine in our own play. We don't ever want to be the villain in our own eyes. So we may rewrite things to make it look GOOD for us. But deep down...we KNOW who we are. The adultery co-conspirator in your case may have some lofty idea of being a star crossed lover who could have had a fairytale life with your H if circumstances were different...or some other such mess. But Dear Lady...DEEP DOWN...she knows WHO she really was in that A. The adultery co-conspirator in my case confirmed it. Adultery co-conspirators are nothing more than USED...USELESS...NOBODIES.

I was actually wondering the same thing myself just the other day. Than I read this post. I guess because my WH met with her to end things in person and told me that he told her he wasn't leaving me and she asked why and cried he told me what he told me however I feel like they were lies as cheaters do lie right. I wanted him to tell her off in a phone call while I listened because she actually after 8 months after the break off I had him text a female coworker to tell her no more contact outside of work with text or how you doing or complaining about other ppl to him. I feel he lost his rights to have female friends much less coworker female since that is what they were anyway she actually had the nerve to call him after the text was sent to say your wife is texting other women pretending to be you since her and the other woman are friends. I was furious I told him to answer because I thought he would tell her where to go and mind her own business but instead nope it was awful made me feel like crap he said he didn't care to talk to her anymore about anything. He blocked her number and hasn't had contact since but I want him to call her and tell her off is that wrong? I mean I guess she still thinks he cares what she thinks and maybe he does since he didn't say anything to her about our marriage and her staying out of it.

First he sent voicemail saying in my presence that he wanted nothing further to do with her. We found out that that night she went into psych hospital for a bit.

Three months later she attempted recontact through a friend so the following NC letter was sent:

XXX,
The purpose of this letter is to ask that you never approach me or contact me again. I deeply regret that I hurt my wife, YYY, and our three children. I love YYY and any feelings i expressed for you were only the result of a temporary distancing that took place. That is over now. I have no feelings for you and I hope that now you will be able to rehabilitate your relationship with your spouse or someone else if need be. I have told YYY the truth that I wish more than anything that you had never kissed me and the fact that I didn't ask you to leave immediately and permanently is the greatest mistake of my life.

Sincerely,
ZZZ

That worked for years and then she started parking across the street from his office and just staring at him. He came hold and told me and we elected for him to tape the following note to her car.

XXX,
Stay the hell away from me and my family forever.
ZZZ

He also left her a voicemail in my presence telling her he was never attracted to her and basically she was terrible for her part in what they had done. I am sure she assumed I orchestrated these messages but I assume they still made her feel pretty crappy.

There is just no good solution in this situation.

This question would be Better answered by the married waywards that were dumped while hoping to be with the AP. In other words for those who chose reconciliation as plan B. Or even those who were dumped by both spouse and AP

I would expect many spouses to lie as well as the AP too about life together after the marriage ended. I know of two stories where the cheater regretted being with the AP.

I believe my spouse deeply regrets the affairs. Especially now that he truly understands the pain he caused. The long term damage it created. The chaos it brought to our marriage.

I know the AP felt used and abandoned by my H. She tried to get revenge thinking I would throw him out and he would go running to her. Dday2 I told him he was free to go and be with her. I no longer cared.

But he didn’t. She always assumed that I kept them apart. ROFLMAO 😂. At dday2 I was fully prepared to D him so I was not working on the marriage and R was the last thing on my mind. In my mind we were going to D and I was going the hard 180.

In my case the LTAP ended up believing the lies she choose to tell herself.

After I caught them having taken the LTA underground and [finally] outed them to OBS - he just handed me his phone as it kept buzzing. I read such gems like "how could you do this to me" and "how could Chaos do this to me" and "I've lost everything because of you" and "is she really going to the police - just because OBS told her I threatened her?"

Later when I caught her creating fake profiles trying to reach out to WH, and I outed that to OBS, she still made excuses. When the Cease & Desist arrived [according to OBS] she claimed to only having created those fake profiles to "get him attached again so she could tell him to fuck off to prove to OBS that she did it"

The pretzel logic makes my head hurt.

In the end, IDGAF what AP was left believing as long as she stays gone.

My wife’s AP was left clearly knowing she was not going to leave me for him, and in the process he lost a best friend who had treated him like a brother and two boys who revered him as "Uncle X."