Reconciled and married... but still very triggered after almost 3 years
I've been browsing the forum for a few years now and this is the first post where I'm going to talk a bit about myself.
I am not a native English speaker, so please excuse me in advance for the way I express things.
I am 48 years old, my wife is 47, we have been together for almost 20 years.
I discovered the A by chance, almost 3 years ago. My wife had met a 50 year old man who was in the process of divorce, in the train at a time when she was looking for a sympathetic ear (the usual story : our couple was not going well anymore, we were not talking, etc.). You know the rest, the sympathetic ear — who also happened to have a penis — became a friend, and their friendship turned into an emotional and then physical relationship, which lasted six months, right under my nose. 20+ sexual relations, of course usually unprotected, in the forest, in the fields, in cars... I had access to 6 months of SMS exchanges, and so I have the extremely precise account of all their sexual and amorous antics...
After a month of pick-me-dance, I did the hard 180 and kicked her out. She was visibly shaken and began to understand the consequences of what she had done.
We both went to therapy, together and separately, my wife went to great lengths to understand where her problems came from that made her such a lousy partner, and such a sickening act possible.
Today we are reconciled and happily married, and overall we have a great time together. But not a day goes by when I don't think about what she did. I know I need to move on, but I can't help but notice the kind of woman she was when she was with him (through everything I've read) and who she is with me. Even if she tells me the opposite, I absolutely do not find the same intensity as in what I read, not the same thrill, not the same desire... He got the naughty, horny, always available girlfriend, and when it ended, I got the tired mother, the pre-menopausal wife that sometimes has sex with me but almost never gets kinky, naughty, or sexually excited (even though, and that puzzles me even more, she loves having sex with me — she even told me repeatedly that sex with me was and had always been way better — it wasn't for the sex that she cheated on me)
To give a precise example of what I'm feeling right now : during all these years, I always got a very vanilla, almost puritanical speech about sex: "we are not going to spend the day in bed making love, we are not teenagers", "sex accessories? what for, we don't need them", "sex in the shower? meh, if you want, if it's your thing...", "Again? but we already made love 3-4 days ago", etc. She's not really different now, she just initiates sex a little more I'd say.
However... I still find very hard to hear the words above, after having read things like "I could spend all day with you in bed", "We'll have a picnic, I'll be your dessert", "I want you so much", "I'll rip off your bathing suit" etc etc.
I am willing to accept, as my therapist tells me, that she was another person at the time of the adultery. That she had that Madonna-whore complex girls have when in an A. I can accept that an extramarital relationship can be more exciting, especially because it is new and secret, and because you never know when you can meet the AP again (as you don't know that, my therapist explained that you're in a kind of "always available" mode, sexually and emotionnaly).
As a couple, things are indeed better. Even sexually, I would say that it is better than before (which is not difficult, considering we had sex every 4-6 months). Yet I can't help but compare, I can't help but get that feeling that her AP has sexually freed her in many ways, but that now she's just back with her "good ole hubby" and I can't help but suffer from it. Every rejection, every failed attempt from me to get back to the level of intimacy and excitation she had with the AP triggers me so much I can get in a rage that takes some time to cool down...
Does it ever stop? Am I exaggerating, am I an eternal dissatisfied person? Am I the only one who feels this way?
Thank you for having read this far.
92 comments posted: Monday, May 15th, 2023