SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you have confronted the AP, what has the reaction/ response of the AP been?
I am curious if APs feel any guilt over what they have done.

I wouldn't recommend it. If the AP cared about hurting you or your family through their actions...then they wouldn't be an AP. Your WS is the one who cheated on you with the AP, so I would focus on your wayward.

I would recommend that if you know the AP has a BS of their own at home, you let the OBS know the facts about their affair with your WS.

I am curious if APs feel any guilt over what they have done.

You would hope so, after they get their head on straight. We would like to think that our partners were normally not such callous human beings. We would hope that there would(eventually) be some level of guilt, or sorrow, for intruding into someone else's relationship. I've read several stories here, especially those who were former waywards, who are very sorry for hurting an innocent party. Most do not reach out, out of respect for OBS, but would answer questions if they were contacted.

I personally wouldn't recommend confronting. You have no idea where their mindset is at this time. Does the AP have a partner? Have you tried to reach out to them?

Unless you talk immediately after they messed up, I don't see the value. Months or years later, whether or not they are feeling guilty, you have nothing to gain from them. They will not help your recovery in any way.

AP came on his own to apologise. It happened about 3 months after he and his wife decided to R, so I suspect there was a connection. Yes he looked guilty. If I were to choose now with what I know, I would skip on that meeting. I felt used to confess his sins so that he could move on, it was disgusting.

I did and it got me nothing but more confusion and lies. I really wouldn’t recommend it. If anything, I think it empowered her until I told her to come get him and bring an insult for his stuff. That’s when their magic seemed to end. So unless you are going to put a bow in your WS’s hair and leave them on the curb for the skank bus, you won’t get any closure.

I don’t intend on confronting the AP. I just wanted to know if they feel badly about what they’ve done. We rarely hear from them so we have no idea what they are thinking.
do they feel even an ounce of guilt?
Why should this matter to me?

Both my xws’s AP didn’t feel bad and I know a few people IRL that are APs. They feel that the spouse deserved it since they were portrayed in such poor light. To be clear, I’m not friends with anyone that dates married people, but it’s amazing how they justify their behavior.

I wouldn’t waste another minute thinking about the AP and their feelings. They never thought about you.

[This message edited by taken4granted at 5:25 PM, Monday, March 6th]

I exchanged some text messages with ow. She was not the least bit sorry nor did she even attempt to apologize. She was trying to be supportive of my H hoping he would go running back to her. It was disgusting.

She was disappointed that she didn't get to be the one to tell me they exchanged ILYs.

The only person she really cared about was herself. She was sorry that he broke things off with her. That is the only thing she was sorry about.

Not directly, no.

I did out the A to her husband on D-day and thereafter, I certainly "cleared up" some ongoing lies/minimizations she told her husband ("yes actually, they DID have sex. In your condo no less.") I also promptly notified her husband when she arguably made an attempt to break NC months later.

A confrontation with the AP is something I obsessed over for more than a year post-D-day. I would frequently have dreams about it. I would practice the things I would say to her in the shower. I had entire monologues prepared. I had so much to say, that I wanted to make sure I got it out exactly the way I planned it. It never ended up happening.

I once almost ran into her in lobby of an office building downtown. She saw me before I saw her and made a beeline for the nearest exit. Coward.

I don't think you should unless it's a relative, "close friend" etc.

They might feel a little guilty if they too were betraying their own spouse, but given the tendency to lie and "get away with it", they probably don't feel guilty or have made up excuses to avoid the guilt. (convince themselves that your WH/WW is to blame, relieving Him/Her of any blame)

Rest assured that you are going to get through this and you are not alone.

The AP contacted me and there wasn't even a whiff of guilt. She apologized and gave lip service to feeling badly but here she was calling to seek revenge. That's not a remorseful person. She also took great pleasure in telling me things she thought would hurt me.

Maybe it's different for female APs but it was clear from that interaction that she envied my life and could not stand me because I stood in the way of her happiness. Despite her words, the jealousy, frustration and cheap shots told a different story.

Also, I've spent too much time on a board for APs. Mostly women. Some pay lip service to some kind of guilt but really they go on and on about the true love they are experiencing and how awful it is for THEM. There is so much delusion and lack of insight it reads like it's written by teenaged girls.

I'd wager 99 percent of them don't feel one bit of guilt. They are too wrapped up in themselves to care much about some spouse they've likely never met.

I confronted (maybe not the best word) the AP, and it was one of the best things I did. 2-3 months after DDay, I called him and left a message, basically just saying that it was about time he and I had a conversation. (This is where I caution to not believe a thing they say, or expect to get any real help.) He called me back in 30 minutes, and I've always joked that he sounded like a freshman going to the principal's office for the first time, but I know now he was just passing on the story that he and my wife had agreed to.

What I really got out of it was my ability to say, "Look, I know what happened. It's out in the open, and I will deal with it on my terms -- not yours. You and my wife will have no say in how I deal with this." Ultimately, I contacted his wife as well, and she and I compared notes. Having an open line of communication with her, made our spouses want to run and hide.

I don’t intend on confronting the AP. I just wanted to know if they feel badly about what they’ve done. We rarely hear from them so we have no idea what they are thinking.
do they feel even an ounce of guilt?
Why should this matter to me?

We hear from the APs from time to time here and the Wayward Forum is filled with APs. The percentage of APs who actually get it is pretty small and no offense to the Wayward Forum, but I think it is fair to say that that a lot of those Waywards don't even get it at first. The same cannot be said for Waywards who stick with it, accept the 2x4s and do the work.

Generally, APs fit into two categories 1) partnered/married themselves or 2) single (being the catchall for not married and not in a committed monogamous relationship. A single AP is far less likely to give two shits about the damage they have done as there is no incentive for them to do it since there are no leverage we as BS have over them. If an AP is themselves also cheating on their spouse, the only thing you have there is their Betrayed partner/spouse who may hold them accountable.

I didn’t confront her but asked if she could answer two questions.

It was a 3 minute phone call. She apologized. She was polite.

Thereafter she would post rude stuff on social media calling me a loser for R.

In fact her words were something to the effect that "she would never stay married to a cheater". But I guess it’s ok to be the cheating partner involved in an affair with a married guy. 🤪

Whatever! Most APs don’t think they did anything wrong.

I did not intentionally confront the AP.

However, I did involuntarily end up encountering him. I had to be where he had to be at the same time. I’m not sure he was aware of my presence until the moment I was close enough to him to reach out and touch him, but he should have been aware that either I was there or might very well be there at any time.

When I locked eyes with him, he was paralyzed with fear. Appropriately so, but it was not the time or place for me to make the scene about me. There were much bigger issues going on then and there that were only indirectly about me.

He had nothing to say, but I didn’t linger to see if he found something to say.

In all the years since the affair, and following his awareness that I had learned of it, he has never once offered an apology.

They did what they did to hurt you, point blank. So no, they do not feel guilty and they never will.

One of my WH's APs eventually got into a relationship, got engaged, and then got dumped at the altar when her ex-fiance left her for another woman. She continued to be my WH's AP. And once confronted, she deflected and just made herself the victim of everyone.

They never, ever, ever, ever feel guilty. And they enjoy hearing about your pain. It boosts their gross ego.

When I was dealing with my own affair crises and ex, a good friend stood by me. Later, she explained that she had been an AP and wanted to somehow make up for the wrong she did. She was young, unhappily married, and fell for the BS of a man almost 30 years older than her. She was in the unique position of having to call the OBS to warn her that her husband was on his way over to kick her AP's ass. She told me how the OBS spoke kindly to her and actually felt sorry for her. She told me in that moment she never felt so ashamed for what she did. Apparently, the OBS was already detached and had been working on an exit plan. Seems he'd had numerous affairs before her.

I know it's easier to hate the AP, I was guilty for a while too.

Now, I kind of feel sorry for Shrek. She was stupid and easily mislead. I don't condone her stalking me or threatening me for years, but I feel sorry that she had so little self worth that she got caught up with the ex. Oh well.

Most won't ever feel shame, and you shouldn't base any closure off of that, but some aren't the horrible people we attribute them to be. Some are just broken and end up being an even bigger victim than the BS was by the time everything is said and done.

I gave all my rage to Xhole, but I couldn't stand Shrek either. Now, I wouldn't invite her over for tea, but I doubt I'd even give her a second glance if we had to be in the same room. Doesn't mean I wouldn't kick her ass if she tried to physically assault me like she threatened, though. I don't feel THAT sorry for her.
ETA: Shrek has not offered an ounce of remorse, guilt, or shame. But I thought I'd mention that there are a few out there that evolve.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:21 PM, Monday, March 6th]

No though I have run scenarios of me doing that endless times in my head. What would I say that would have the impact I'd want to a bitch with no moral compass? I really don't know but my anger towards her is still off the charts, pure venomous hatred. Suffice to say it wouldn't be pretty and she isn't worth it.

If you have confronted the AP, what has the reaction/ response of the AP been?
I am curious if APs feel any guilt over what they have done.

If you are confronting because you hope they will have a reaction of some sort (i.e., you are trying to manipulate them) then you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. They may well know you need something from them, and use it. You are not in control.

If you are confronting because you need to say some things to them, to be heard no matter the response, to hear the words come from your mouth that they are a POS now and forever, then that's OK.

My IC suggested I write a letter to the AP of my WH. She didn't recommend I necessarily send it to her. I'm not sure what the exercise was supposed to accomplish. Maybe it was just to "get it out". My WH has not cut all ties with AP. He supports her financially. Please don't judge my for staying in this situation. I'm still working on it. And I'm old, so there is more at stake. Anyway, this is my letter, which I never sent, by the way:

Dear AP
If you know anything about my husband at all, you know that he doesn’t easily let go of people. And he NEVER cuts people out of his life.

Lest you think that I’m fine with you being "just friends" with him now, know that I’m not. You remaining in our lives causes great pain. If you’ve never endured a breach of trust in this way, that might be hard for you to understand.

I don’t expect you to empathize with my pain. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of your own. But I’m asking you to be the bigger person here and stop contacting my husband, stop expecting to see him, stop accepting money from him. If he reaches out to you, know that he is taking away from me.

Know that every time you call, I’m aware of it and have been since day one in June 2018. You are calling our HOME. This is a violation of my sacred space with my husband.

Know that I know about the hundreds of thousands of dollars that go out to you from him. Yes, I’m sure you feel that you are owed this support due to promises he made to you, whether implied or clearly stated. I don’t want to see you homeless. I don’t want to hurt you even in my moments of anger and despair.

But you know, and I know that this amount of money is hugely generous, more than most people make at a full time job. It DOES impact our lives. It’s a huge source of conflict. Whatever he tells you about the business, we both know this amount of money going to you means less going someplace else. It’s also deeply inappropriate in a marriage and adds to the burden of repairing our relationship.

Maybe if I didn’t feel you were taking advantage of us and were perhaps trying to make a living on your own, I could be more understanding. If I knew there was going to be an end to this perhaps I could be patient. As it is, your presence in our lives is like an open wound.

[This message edited by ClimateChange at 3:33 AM, Tuesday, March 7th]