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I did, in a restaurant and once by phone. It didn’t help. She gloated and told me that if I really loved him, I’d want him to be happy and be with her. In the moment in public it felt good, but overall it accomplished nothing and there was no remorse. I just looked like a crazy lady.

Week, AP called and XWH picked up, even though NC email had been sent. I yelled at her over the phone, including several expletives. Not my best moment but XWH should not have taken the call. Plus, I didn't appreciate when he called her to let her know that her call caused my panic attack. The panic attack was scary, but still.... No wonder he's my XWH.

Contacting AP didn't go well in my sitch because it was a double betrayal.

I messaged her. She apologized profusely, at great length, and promised she would not contact my husband except when strictly necessary for work (they work together). I actually believed that she was truthful about being sorry.

Within days she initiated contact through a cryptic work email trying to get him to return to their secret shared form of communication.

So in my case I ended up feeling manipulated and lied to, especially when it came out later how actively involved she had been in formulating much of the lying and gaslighting that was done to me in the final month of their affair, when I suspected something was going on. I was naive and outmatched.

I wish I had just gone the route of icy silence.

Fortunately no.

The PA whose name I know, no. She is like used gum on the bottom of so many people's shoes I don't want to get near her. Something might crawl off of her onto me. And she is not worth my time.

2 of the golden EA (PA?) ones I knew that pretended to be friends, no. It would go nowhere because they believe I deserved to be cheated on.

The same for supporters of the affair. There were a lot of those too because WH spent a lot of time on social media crafting his image and trash talking me. If a person did not tell him to keep his p*"'$ in his pants and work on himself and his marriage with his wife if he had a gripe about the marriage, then talking with them is a complete waste of time.

All people who are abusers, cheaters, infidelity supporters and puppy (and wife/husband) kickers are not worth my time. I have better things to do with my life than to try to talk sense with that.

"I did, in a restaurant and once by phone. It didn’t help. She gloated and told me that if I really loved him, I’d want him to be happy and be with her. In the moment in public it felt good, but overall it accomplished nothing and there was no remorse. I just looked like a crazy lady"

So well stated! Sorry that happened Bearly.

Also what Grieving stated about being outmatched...these kind of people are often ruthless liars and truth benders. I steer clear.

I am in a social group with a woman who was a cheater on her first ("starter") husband with her second husband. (never have I heard her express remorse)
I actually feel uneasy around her...sort of unsettled around her...unsafe... I am learning to trust my gut.

I think the AP could be remorseful, if they didn't know they were an AP. Otherwise, they knew exactly what they were doing. I send her a text to say she should be ashamed of herself. I got a phone call from private number after i sent it. I didn't answer it. I told her what I thought of her in the text. I was not going to let her explain herself and have control.

My answer is long and complicated, sorry, but that's the way my story reads. Yes, with mixed results. I have contacted the LTA MOW about a dozen times via email since my first DDay and the following 4 1/2 years. The first email I sent 8 months after DDay, when I found emails between them proving broken no contact, when I had been led to believe the A was long ago, with no contact for years. Her brief reply filled me with more lies, but I later realized I scared her off permanently, so I have no regrets for unknowingly ending an underground A and false R that went on almost a year.

Our subsequent exchanges have been questionable choices with mixed results, spanning years and the full range of my emotions, including my atonement for lashing out and forgiveness letter, and my white hot rage after learning the real truth email, not the other three versions I was led to believe. Her responses have ranged from pathetic, selfish, delusional and indignant to pleading to be left alone with a dash of regret thrown in. None of the level of regret, guilt or shame I would have expected given the length and depth of their deceit, and the damage the gaslighting did to my mental health.

Not until shamed into apologizing did anything resembling one show up, but that would be expected dealing with a selfish compartmentalizing liar. When she did apologize, the first was to my WH, of course, for how badly things ended up. I got the sorry, but nobody was supposed to know or ever get hurt story, followed by assurances that my WH loves me and my marriage is stronger than hers. I did not enjoy her insights at all and some of her words still sting a bit.

My experience is that it was great to scare her off, satisfying to hold so much power of disclosure and public humiliation over her head, good to vent my rage at her, almost fun to relay all the awful things he said about her or to reveal that she was not the only one, and not remotely special or unforgettable. Not so fun was opening myself up to her with so much honesty and humanity, because she was not deserving of my truth or my time. I do know that our correspondence was upsetting to her and she begged me repeatedly to leave her alone, and I would have, and intended to, but there was no bottom to their pit of lies, so I lashed out or reached out at each ugly revelation. Were it not for her eventual truthful disclosures, I would not know of multiple other lies of omission I had been fed, though. I have thanked her for for the truth and damned her for her lies over and over, but she gave me enough scraps of truth to help me understand what I was dealing with in a brutal R with a dishonest WH. So there's that.

If I had not contacted her, it would eat at me to this day to not have spoken my piece or asked my questions. But, each answer brought with it more questions. My biggest regret is not threatening her away on DDay 1, and giving myself a chance at R without the false in front of it. I guess I learned more about my WH from her than I did about her level of humanity, though.... I understand why so many here will advise to not waste your time reaching out, but for me, it provided crucial pieces of the puzzle, eventually. Worth lowering myself for a few more data points, but worthless regarding understanding another human's ability to disregard, deceive and hurt others.

I never did confront the AP because I would've likely ended up in jail for beating him up.

No. I did not, but also didn't personally know her. She was a co-worker of my husband's. I knew OF her, but was never introduced. I would never seek her out now as it's been over 5 yrs, but if I should ever run into her, I might spit in her face. I don't know how she feels about the affair. I am sure there is some guilt but who knows. Maybe not. She sure didn't give a shit about me while my husband was sticking his dick in her.

I think alot of AP's that don't know the BS don't think of them as "real" or an actual person. It's almost like they think of them as a storybook creature. They only know what the cheating partner has shared, and I am sure none of it was good. To them, if the the BS isn't a real human with feelings, the guilt isn't as strong.

Just my 2 cents

I was on an overnight business trip and happened to call my house and her ex picked up the phone….I’m not kidding.

I just told him to hand my fiance the phone. When she got on I told her I was coming back immediately and when I returned I wanted her and their children to not be there. And I hung up.

They were all gone when I got back.

That wasn’t the end of the confrontation(s) but that was the moment they realized the jig was up. And they got out of Dodge tout suite.

I have two stories unfortunately.
I confronted the sad, pathetic beast (2012, his AP from his PA). Firstly, I had no idea who she was on Dday - didn’t find out her identity until 2 wks later. When I found out who she was I was floored. Legit floored. Whoever said "they always affair down" was spot on. Funny thing is that on Dday we separated - and he’d already retained an attorney. So he was free to do whatever - but he never wanted to be seen in public with her, and kept her hidden. They continued to have these late night, clandestine, rendezvous in secret. Which was VERY telling to me. He was embarrassed to be seen with her. When I found out her identity - it was shocking to see what a downgrade she was. They had an EA for 3 months before it became a PA. She was someone he knew in HS - and reconnected on social media. I had no clue they were involved in an EA. I went on vacation w/ our son and while I was gone that’s when it became physical. The PA was a 1 month long affair. His whole world imploded when we got into this huge fight - which resulted in him getting arrested. When he was in the patrol car I took his phone. And that’s when I found out who she was. I also found a TREASURE trove of messages, emails, confessions, pictures (yep that kind ). So he’s catered off to jail and I am left with a phone FULL of evidence. And I copied everything - made an extra copy & gave to a friend for safe keeping. And THEN I called the AP from his phone. Of course she thought it was him and answered so sweetly. And then I let her have it. I realize that the A is his doing - he’s the culpable one. However - she was well aware that he was married. In the phone messages I could see a pattern of how she was leaning on him hard - pressuring him to file for divorce, telling him he wasn’t "mean" enough to me, she was a ghastly looking woman; and in her messages to him it was clear she felt inferior to me. She was married and she laid out an elaborate plan to leaver HER husband with their 2 small daughters - catch him off guard, get full custody and stick him for alimony and CS - and the plan was she’d marry my H - and I guess ride off into the sunset, buy a house with a white picket fence. ANYWAY - I didn’t know her husband, but asked around and got his number and told him everything. He was suspicious but hadn’t connected all the dots. After sharing all my info with him, I then called her and blew up her whole world. Told her I had ALL her communications, all her nasty skank photos - hey I can appreciate a gorgeous body male or female - and that was something NO ONE would want to see. Most of the conversations she was quiet - she did ask how I found out about her and at the end before I hung up she said "sorry". But that was out of self preservation- that bitch wasn’t sorry. Only sorry she was caught. She was batshit crazy - after her husband threw her out she stalked us, drove by our home, would park across the street and spy on us, watch my son playing outside - we’d see her at the same places - grocery stores, the mall. Finally after a year of that bullshit we sold our house and moved across the country. In 2013 her divorce was final and her husband had remarried. Her daughters live with their dad and step mom. And the AP? She lives alone - she’s a sad, angry, lonely, bitter, despicable woman. Still hates me from what I hear.

The second confrontation was with the 2nd AP - she was a family friend who was exchanging inappropriate flirty texts with my H in Dec 2022. I found the messages on 12/26/22 and wasted NO time outing her and him to the whole family. She was humiliated and has been emailing me since that Dday asking for forgiveness. She sends me messages about how ashamed she is, she’s humiliated, she said she got caught up in the compliments and ate it up like a sponge. Last week my husband’s brother died - it was a horrible week, he was on life support and my H and his other brother held his hand until he took his final breath. This RIDICULOUS woman is texting me while we are in the hospital room. (Remember she’s a family friend - H’s fam and her fam have known each other for years). It was an emotional week - the funeral was on Friday and I couldn’t bear seeing this idiot. So I contacted her and told her she was not welcome at the funeral. There’s NC between her and my husband that is non negotiable - and I wouldn’t put it past her to come up to him all weepy and crying and hug him. Nope. So I told her she’s not welcome. She can go visit the gravesite if she wants - but she’s not going to make a scene at the funeral. His kids didn’t want her there so it wasn’t just me. A few days after the funeral I blocked her on all social media and blocked her from all our phones. I don’t regret it either. She crossed a line - she’s known me for 28 yrs - I mean HE betrayed me too - but this was a person I thought was a friend to me. He and I are working things out and our progress is going very well. So I don’t feel guilty at all cutting her out of our lives. It feels good to have the family support my decision as well. My kids didn’t want her there knowing what happened between her and their dad. So it was for the best. And that is the consequence of her actions.

I felt like the AP wanted a confrontation. So, I didn’t give her one!! This was one thing that was in my control.

Plus, I don’t talk to sh*t on the bottom of my shoe, so why would I start now?

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:43 AM, Friday, March 10th]

No. Never saw the need. He was a serial cheater who was in the business of racking up notches on his corral post. My EXWW was irate when she realized that she was nothing more than a worthless conquest to him. That created what I imagine mist be the same feeling one experiences after they lose all their money trying to help a Nigerian prince.

Justsomeguy
Legitimately sorry you went through what you went through but this is spot on..

"My EXWW was irate when she realized that she was nothing more than a worthless conquest to him. That created what I imagine mist be the same feeling one experiences after they lose all their money trying to help a Nigerian prince."

Funny thing but many active waywards think they are so special...WH found out the hard way he was not the only one for her