SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. I've read a few posts but this is my first submission. I want to add my thoughts on two things, deciding to stay with a cheating spouse and, second, whether or not to contact the spouse of my wife's lover.

It's been more than 20 years since I found out my wife was having an affair.

I was in the military, we were living in Georgia, I got reassigned to a base in Illinois. My wife stayed in Georgia, said she had a decent civil service job and was in the Florida National Guard. I had 2 years left in service so it didn't make sense for her to give up her job or transfer to a Guard unit in Illinois. Fine. Turns out she was seeing someone who was also the the Florida National Guard. So one weekend each month they'd have their fun. I found out, spent the next six months traveling back and forth to Georgia as often as I could trying to fix things between us. Then I learned she was still seeing him. About that time I turned down a promotion and retired from the military, moved back to Georgia hoping it'd work out. I don't know if she kept on seeing him after that, I suspect she did. He retired from the Guard two years later, so it could have gone on for more than a year after I went back to Georgia.

Looking back I realize she made a choice when she continued the affair after I first found out, she was choosing him over me. Continuing the affair was a risk to our marriage, she had to know that. But she continued. I now believe she was in love with this guy. But he was married too and I'm guessing he wasn't willing to end his marriage. If he was I think she would had left me. And I think I just didn't want to accept she wasn't "in love" with me any more.

So here we are, more than 20 years later. We are, for the most part, cordial and polite with each other. Not much more. She decided to use a separate bedroom a long time ago, probably before or when she was having the affair. We are married, legally. Our relationship is far from loving. The result, it hurts to this day. I think about it most every day. I wish I'd made a different choice, accepted the promotion and stayed in the military back then. Now, I guess neither of us has been willing to suffer the financial consequences of a divorce at this point in or lives. Maybe that'll change.

Oh well. The second part, I did not contact this guys wife to tell her about the affair. I thought about it, still do some times. But I know it was my wife who did this to me. This guy is irrelevant. Sure, I'd love it if he had to feel some of the hurt I've been feeling, but his wife and kids? I don't want to be the one who brings that to them. So I'll leave that to karma, maybe fate will get him for me.

Here's a description of a forgiver, from Anthiny Trollope's Can You Forgive her:

*****
From Trollope's Can You Forgive Her?:

He had looked upon her rejection of himself...as a result of a mental hallucination, very much to be lamented, - to be wept for, perhaps through a whole life, as a source of terrible sorrow to himself and to her. but he regarded it all as a disease, of which the cure was yet possible, though it might never leave the patient as strong as she was before, might still leave her altogether. And as he would ... have clung to his love had she been attacked by any of those illnesses for which doctors have well-known names, so would he cling to her now that she was attacked by a malady for which no name was known. (A few pages into chapter 61 - sorry, I'm reading it on a kindle, so I can cite a page.)

That doesn't look like you, which is totally fine.

My W was different from yours, and we are happy now; I've been happy about my choice for 8-9 years now.

What is keeping you in an unhappy M?

You've been unhappy with your W for 20 years, and you're probably 20+ years younger than me. You have plenty of time to recover from the financial hit of D. SIer after SIer who has chosen D reports it was the right choice despite fearing the outcome. I'm superstitious, so I don't go into the D/S forum much, but I urge you to read there and perhaps ask about the financial issues.

You've probably got a lot of years ahead of you. Why spend them in the presence of someone who does not love you?

After 20 years, choosing to inform the OBS is less clear than after 20 days or 20 weeks, but on the whole, I think I'd inform her, but I am not sure of that.

I'm really new to this whole thing, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. However, I think most of what I will say will be echoed by others.

First, I'm so sorry you have to be here. This is a club no one wants to join.

Second, I understand your feelings about not wanting to leave and making a mistake, but I wanted to remind you it's never too late to change your mind. You do not have to stay in the M if you don't want to do so anymore.

Finally, I would suggest you contact the guy's wife. It's not about hurting him, it's about giving her the information she's entitled to have. That's part of the damage done by infidelity, the OM, like your WW, kept this secret bc he knew revealing the information would allow his wife (OBS) to make a truly informed choice about what she wants to do. IDK if they're still married or not, but what if they are? What if she discovered a different affair and stayed, but has long wondered if she made the right choice? What if she left after a different affair and has wondered if she made the right choice? All you're doing is providing her the information she needs and is hers by right.

I very much relate to your post.It has been It has been almost 8 years since my husband’s A with his medical assistant/secretary. On the forgiveness side I lean more toward what Sissoon described. Despite causing me extreme pain I don’t believe my husband could really have known the extent of the consequences for his actions. We had a d-Day version 2 six months ago when I found out the A was physical, compounding his betrayal with seven years of lies.

I have also not told the spouse. Partially, because I didn’t know the extent. Back when it happened I did tell him that his wife tried to kiss my husband and that my husband said no. I must have looked like such a fool. We had communicated on FB messenger and I got an abrupt sounding response not to contact the husband again. A few days ago I realized that must have been the OW and not the husband.

Anyway…I feel exactly the same as you about telling the OBS. I am fine with the fact that it might hurt the OW for me to tell, but to hurt the OBS and the children (now they are two young adult women) feels perhaps unnecessarily cruel. I feel very conflicted about it. On the one hand I think theoretically the OBS has a right to this information but knowing it could cause him so much pain is daunting. He also knows SOMETHING happened because she was let go twice from the same job because of the A (long story, but she was fired at the time of the A and then a few years later tried to come back by joining an affiliated company that then merged with my husband’s company. My husband was able to get her pushed out the second time because she had taken severance when she was let go the first time with an agreement to leave and not come back).

BallofAnxiety raises a good point about whether there might be other affairs and the OBS might need this information to make a final decision. I had not thought about that.

I also understand why practical realities can keep you from D.

I wonder what you will do if one of you becomes chronically ill? Will you take care or her? Would she take care of you?

I'm sorry you've gone through this.

As the BS I had the OBS contact me to tell me about the affair two years after it ended. I will be forever grateful to him.

This was Dday3. WS knew this was his final chance.

Yes its ended my marriage and I have small children but I am free of the emotional abuse and betrayal of my WS. Had the OBS not told me I don't know how many years would have gone by where my WS would continue to lie and put me and my children at risk. I would have never got the truth from him so the relief getting the truth somewhere else is allowing me to move on.

[This message edited by Notagain6526 at 5:15 PM, Wednesday, February 22nd]

By telling the OBS, whether you waited 20 years, 20 months, 20 days, 20 hours, 20 minutes, 20 seconds or 20 zeptoseconds is irrelevant. It is a hard line to draw, admittedly, but once you became aware of your spouse's affair and you kept it quiet, you became at some level an accomplice to the continued deceit. Now, you aren't the guilty party that needs to be put on trial, but I think what it does do is become a burden for you the BS to carry, a burden that you should not ever have to carry, a lie for the AP and your WS. Your wife had an affair 20 years ago and this man's wife either has no idea or she knows the full story, speaking with her is the only way for you to know. You aren't doing it as revenge or to get back at the AP, but you are doing it because letting this woman have the truth about her life and giving her back her agency is the best gift that you a BS can ever hope to give the OBS. All the hurt, damage or turmoil that may come as a result of sharing this information is not because of you being honest, it is because of the WS betraying their BS. You the BS didn't cheat on her, her husband did, with your wife, so it is not on you to protect their secret, those are just the consequences of his actions.

As for your relationship with your wife, it sounds like rather than a healing and reconciliation that you have just done 20 years of rugsweeping. I would hazard a guess that you have never really had the chance to properly heal because you stayed with your wife who from this short account hasn't done anything to lift a finger towards healing. I am/was in my 30s when I learned of betrayal, which hopefully means I have well over half my life left to live and if my WW had acted like yours did, there is no way we would've lasted 20 days, let a lone 20 years, so I empathize with the pain that you've been suffering for years. I'm glad you've been able to unburden yourself a little here on SI, but you still have a lot of healing left to do.

sisoon - we're about the same age, I'm 65. And what is keeping me unhappy? I guess I hoped things would get better but they haven't. The lack of feeling I sense from her I attribute to her feelings for him, I now think she hasn't gotten over him. And yes there was plenty of occasion over the last 20 plus years when we could have split and recovered financially. It would have been hard at first since I had to start a new career after leaving the military. Then the years flew by and here we are. Retired, moved from Georgia to New York when we retired 4 years ago. Not bad off financially, it'd be a lot different for both of us to start over now. And there's this, would I leave a child or other family member who treated me badly or would I keep on trying to make things right between us? Isn't that what family is about? Maybe that's what kept me from leaving, I really don't know sometimes, but it may be as simple as that.

Those who spoke about informing the guys wife, we each make that decision and what may be right for me may be different for you. I was tempted. Maybe I should have contacted her. I don't know if her life would be better now if I had told her back then. I know they're still married. Does that mean she's happy, no. Would she be happier now if she ended up divorcing him, I don't know.

Had another thought, after finding out I had times when I would drink a lot. Trying to avoid things I think. I'd stop for a while, go thru times of getting drunk several times a week, then stop for months at a time. Bad coping mechanism. Been sober for a couple years now. But being sober does allow all the memories back in.

[This message edited by flang at 6:20 PM, Wednesday, February 22nd]

Those who spoke about informing the guys wife, we each make that decision and what may be right for me may be different for you. I was tempted. Maybe I should have contacted her. I don't know if her life would be better now if I had told her back then. I know they're still married. Does that mean she's happy, no. Would she be happier now if she ended up divorcing him, I don't know.

Being honest, it is your decision on whether or not to tell, but by withholding that information from her, you are doing in some ways what your spouse did to you, denying her the truth about her life with her wayward husband. You made a decision for what you thought was best for you, I get that, but as part of that decision, you decided for her that she didn't deserve to know the truth about her husband. You seem to almost acknowledge that when you mention that they're still married but it doesn't mean she is happy, but you have no way of knowing. The part about divorcing him is a hypothetical that is unknowable because you did withhold information from you. I could just as easily argue that she would've kicked him to the curb and your wife would've run off with him and the two of them could've run off to rainbow farting unicornland and lived happily ever after. I think if that had happened, you'd have been miserable for awhile, as any BS would be, but I would doubt that 20 years later you would be in this position you are in today, where you are clearly unhappy.

Look, the telling the spouse or not telling the spouse is a minor plot point here. The bigger issue is that it is seems like your wife and you have remained married in name only, or said differently, from where I sit, it doesn't look like post affair you guys never rebuilt any relationship. What work did your wife do to show you she was a safe partner? Did she ever go to a therapist and work on herself? Like really dig deep to discover why her marriage vows to you, which included fidelity, were conditional....that is unless you had a different set of vows that went something like "to have and to hold...unless flang is a few states a way and another man wants in on this" which I'm betting didn't happen.

I guess I hoped things would get better but they haven't. The lack of feeling I sense from her I attribute to her feelings for him, I now think she hasn't gotten over him.

It seems that your wife has romanticized her A. NOTHING can compare to the romantic fantasy that an A brings. The REALITY is...an A is all about two SELFISH people who USE each other to get their desires met. NOTHING breaks up those romantic fantasies like the TRUTH...that the adultery co-conspirator was USED.

KARMA may very well have already played a part in the adultery co-conspirator's M...and the OBS may already know and has already left. Maybe not from the A with your wife...but if her cheating husband didn't get found out with this A...chances are he moved on to another adultery co-conspirator or two before getting caught. I have seen some WW's on here who come to the reality that they were just one of MANY. One of them wrote about how the adultery co-conspirator was a co-worker...and she overheard him saying the SAME things to his new adultery co-conspirator as he did to her before she ended their A. It made her sick to realize that she actually fell for those well rehearsed lines.

We ALL make choices in our life...and it is definitely your CHOICE to tell the OBS or not. To stay in the M you have...or choose a different path. The one thing that is for SURE...as long as nothing changes...then nothing changes. Best of luck to you Dear Sir.

If divorce is not a option for you then you should find ways to rebuilt and reinvent your marriage with her. Both of you could rediscover mutual feelings and move together from there. MC could be a proper start for it. Both of you should go their and unload all of your grievances, unhappiness and finally focus on the elephant in the room i.e her affair. It seems both of you never actually properly dealt with her affair. You just rugswept and hoped for the best. It never works like that. So, why not start again. If MC becomes helpful then, next, you both could do IC. There are stories where this has actually worked. So, why not try this path?

Flang,

What is the moral to your story? What can we learn from this? What would you do differently? Was there anything of benefit to your decision?

Many new Betrayed are listening.

I believe, with few exceptions, that there’s no statute of limitations on informing the OBS. She’s probably been wondering what’s wrong WITH HER for the last 20 years, when all along it has been him. Unless she’s been living in ignorant bliss, she’s probably been suffering the entire time with his gaslighting and other forms of Wayward abuse.

You and the OBS both have a right to find and experience true happiness, true love or whatever you want to call a relationship that isn’t wayward.

So I'll leave that to karma, maybe fate will get him for me.

No. This isn’t about your retribution. It’s about her. It’s about her right to know, her right to self determination. Don’t leave it to “karma”. Karma hasn’t been much of a help to you.

But I understand if you want to let sleeping dogs lie at this late stage. You’re on the scene with the overview, the details and particulars. It was your call, is still your call, a tough call.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:27 PM, Wednesday, February 22nd]

You've made it clear you don't want to tell OBS and given the amount of time that has lapsed, I understand. The only possible upside for you is if the affair went on longer than you suspect and/or continues in some fashion today (contact via phone or email). That may help you to decide your next steps. But that is your call.

As for your marriage, how does your wife feel? Meaning, perhaps it's time for a sit down where you tell her just how unhappy you are and why. Perhaps she feels the same. From there, you two can decide what is next. If you want to consider reviving your marriage, you cannot do it alone. On the other hand, after a serious talk or five, you may both decide it is time to move on.

You have life left to live. It is terribly sad to live it this unhappy. Talk to your wife. You may discover that there is some pining but only because the reality of what she did wasn't served up to her. Perhaps knowing that she might lose you and your life together will be the beginning of her examining that meaningless relationship. Who knows. But you have nothing to lose by laying your cards on the table and saying exactly how you feel.

You may want to try some counseling for yourself (not your marriage) to work through this past trauma and it's profound effect on your life. Healing yourself is the first step toward a happy life, married or not.

Many insightful comments, definitely food for thought.

RealityBlows posted "What is the moral to your story? What can we learn from this? What would you do differently? Was there anything of benefit to your decision?

Many new Betrayed are listening."

That was the point of my post, as a cautionary tale for those who are now in this situation. To say take time deciding, think it thru. Emotions are high, take some time to get a grip on what's happening before committing to divorce or staying together. I'm not suggesting one way or another. Just saying there are things to consider. A big one being it doesn't matter how much you wish the memories of what your spouse did would go away they don't. Imagination can be cruel when thinking of your spouse with another person. Still hurts 20 odd years later.

I was at a disadvantage, I had to make a very important decision in the midst of the turmoil of her affair. I was stationed in Illinois, my wife was in Georgia. I had just shy of 19 years in the military and was due to retire soon. Then I earned a promotion. I would have to stay in another 3 or 4 years if I accepted the promotion. I had to decide within a matter if days. I had no time to think. If I stayed in the service I was basically saying the marriage was over, no way it lasts if we're apart that long.

So now, with hindsight, I think had I faced the truth, had time to accept it, I would have made a different choice. The truth is, I think, my wife had already given up on our marriage. Deep down I think I knew it then. I just didn't want to believe it.

[This message edited by flang at 12:52 AM, Thursday, February 23rd]

The truth is, I think, my wife had already given up on our marriage. Deep down I think I knew it then. I just didn't want to believe it.

I have read that typically...when a wife has an A...it is usually an exit A. That isn't the case for everyone...but if your GUT feels this way...that is probably correct. ALWAYS trust your GUT.

So now, with hindsight, I think had I faced the truth, had time to accept it, I would have made a different choice.

The GREAT thing about choices is...you get to keep making them! NONE of us can go back and change what has happened. But we definitely CAN learn from our past and make choices based on what we have learned.

The WORST possible place to be is in limbo. It saddens me to see you haven't been able to move forward (((HUGS))). It isn't too late though! As long as there is life there is HOPE!! You want to give a cautionary tale to the newly Betrayeds on here...and that is very commendable. What do you want to tell that sweet soul inside of you who has been without LOVE all of these years? Worried about finances IF you D? People live every day on the SAME amount of money you would have if you D? Wondering IF your wife will reject you if you open up to her? She has been doing that all these years...and you survived it.

What do YOU want your life to look like Dear Sir? For ME...I took to pen and paper...and wrote down EVERYTHING I would want MY life to look like. It was actually very cathartic for me and quite FUN!! After that...I tweaked it a bit...took out stuff like being a swimsuit model...lol...and got it down to what I REALLY wanted.

I WANTED a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. I told my H what MY plan was for MY life. I told him that if HE wanted that too...GREAT. If not...I would find someone who WOULD!!! Thankfully...my H agreed to this as well...and we are now walking this path TOGETHER!

One thing we Betrayeds can't possibly understand is the immense GUILT and SHAME that a Wayward has...especially when their Betrayed shows them GRACE and MERCY by staying in the M. Do you feel that your WW may be feeling some of this? Especially knowing that SHE is the reason you didn't go for your promotion? She may be punishing herself by cutting herself off from YOUR love. Does that seem like something your WW would do?

Only YOU can find out. We are all here to HELP you...but you are the only one who can truly heal yourself...just like we did. It SUCKS...but as a military person you KNOW that sometimes the hard things may not be what we WANT to do...but it is what we NEED to do to reach our goal. Knowledge is POWER Dear Sir!!!

Don't dwell in the PAST...that isn't where you ARE. Take your power back...and move FORWARD. Like I often say...three steps forward and two steps back is still PROGRESS!!!

I'm curious whether you yourself found outside lover(s) during the past 20 years? Or if you and your cheating wife have had any sort of sex life. Twenty years is a long time to live in celibacy.

Butforthegrace

"I'm curious whether you yourself found outside lover(s) during the past 20 years? Or if you and your cheating wife have had any sort of sex life. Twenty years is a long time to live in celibacy."

I have not looked for or found any outside lovers. My sex life with my wife has been infrequent for a while now. She moved in to another bedroom a long time ago, I think that told me a lot about what she wanted with me. As time went by I became more and more resentful and now I really don't have much in the way of sexual attraction to her. For the life of me I can't figure out why she didn't just leave, seems most likely she cared more for her AP than she did or does for me.

So just why, exactly, are you still with her?
You are not yet dead you know.
Get back into the land of the living.

I have not looked for or found any outside lovers. My sex life with my wife has been infrequent for a while now. She moved in to another bedroom a long time ago, I think that told me a lot about what she wanted with me. As time went by I became more and more resentful and now I really don't have much in the way of sexual attraction to her. For the life of me I can't figure out why she didn't just leave, seems most likely she cared more for her AP than she did or does for me.

Why didn't she just leave you? She could be asking the same question.

Also, hope is not a strategy.

IMO, divorce/separation must always be on the table....and it can't just be words or idle threats. You must be prepared and have a complete plan for an exit if you don't see the behavior changes you need to live your best life with her.

Also, it's Never2late to start living your best life.

That sounds an awful lot like cutting off one's nose to spite one's face. Or wearing a cilice as a twisted way to show your WW, daily, how much suffering she has caused.

If you and your WW are each content to remain in a "MINO" (married in name only) relationship for economic reasons, at the very least, find yourself a girlfriend.

So just why, exactly, are you still with her?
You are not yet dead you know.
Get back into the land of the living.

^^^ This ^^^ I would start living your life the way you have always wanted to with or without her.

I thank my lucky stars I got out when I did. I don't think successful R is the majority in infidelity. It's definitely a lucky draw if people achieve it. Most often than not I would advise people to leave. Seeing now what it it is like on the other side of D, it is so much better than being stuck with reminiscing about an A in your M until the end of time.