SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gonna be my usual novel. I’ve got so much going on and need to get it all out. I couldn’t decide if I should post 3 separate threads or just one long one and one long is what I decided.

First, I have a cold and feel like crap. That makes everything worse. I’ve rapid tested every day since Saturday and they’ve all been negative. Blech.

Second, after years of pain in my right foot and going through every imaginable treatment it’s finally become clear surgery is required. I have end stage arthritis (I did not know that was even a thing) in the bones of the midfoot. I saw ortho back in June to start that process. A week later, JM tore his knee up and ended up having arthroscopic knee surgery almost a month ago. On July 4 while I was at work, I noticed my right knee was stiff and painful. Every time I stood up it was harder and hurt worse until I got ready to leave and almost fell because of the pain. So I saw the ortho about my knee. Long story short, I’ve had 2 cortisone shots into my knee but won’t need knee surgery. The knee surgeon told me the only thing that will fix my knee is to fix my foot. So I will be seeing the foot specialist again the first week of September and we’ll schedule the surgery then. I’ll be non weight bearing for 8 weeks at least. I’m trying to prepare my job for the fact that I AM NOT WORKING FROM HOME after my surgery but I’m not sure they will believe it until it happens.

Third, my sister and I met with a reporter tonight to talk about our dad. Daddy worked for the Dept of Corrections for his entire career. He was a nurse, an RN. Back in 1985 our state began to enforce the death penalty again. Daddy was the night shift nursing supervisor and the executions were carried out at midnight. At that time, with it having been entirely theoretical, he was a proponent of capital punishment. He was… requested to serve on the death team which consisted of him, the medical director of the prison, several correctional officers. Daddy was responsible for taking vital signs until they were absent.

It gutted him. He was not the same afterward, not for a long time, if ever. Over the years, he and Dr. N, who became a very close friend, served together on several more executions. Daddy volunteered because he didn’t want any of his staff to go through what he had. I think he felt like he was already damaged and wanted to protect the others.

Just before he passed away I read a newspaper article about the Death Penalty in my state. Over the next few months the same reporter did articles focusing on different aspects, with focus on the lasting effects on the people involved in carrying out the sentence. I contacted the reporter and that led to our meeting tonight. It was cathartic but brutal. It was wonderful to talk about him, the good parts of him. But the wounds to his soul, his psyche… those wounds never healed.

This is not meant in any way to start a debate about the death penalty, please. But, I say this with knowledge that came at a devastating cost, it is one thing to say “I support the death penalty.” It is another thing entirely to be charged with carrying that sentence out.

Finally, I’ve posted here before that I have a daughter I released for adoption just after her birth. She’s 35 now and I found out last weekend that she has a child now. I have a grandson.

But I have no relationship with her. The last contact I had was 12 years ago when she said that she wants to meet me “some day.” I’m able to see her Facebook page but she made it clear back in 2010 that she doesn’t want me to contact her.

I am happy that she is happy. She’s healthy. From what I can tell her baby is healthy. But it’s just so hard to wait. I don’t doubt my decision. It was the right thing, no doubt about it. But I have wanted to see her, to know her, since she turned 18. And I just struggle with understanding how I can want to know her so much the feeling is almost a physical longing, but she doesn’t have any inclination to know me. And I know birth mothers who didn’t want anything to do with their birth child. I have a friend who reached out to her birth family and was treated cruelly.

And y’all, I get it. I have no right to even hope for a relationship with her. I signed the relinquishment of my own free will because I wanted the best for her. But if there’s any mother who could have found out by accident the name and location of a child she gave up for adoption and the just sit on that info and never do anything with it, well they are better people than I am apparently.

Anyway, I’m shredded right now. It’s all balled up and intermingled in my mind. I needed to get this all out to be able to organize my thoughts and figure out how to process it all.

Thanks for letting me do that here.

((((( HFSSC))))

That is a lot to deal with.

(((((((HFSSC)))))))

You have been heard. It's hard but it's ok to sit with the feelings.

❤

Well damn.

Any stress lately???

I’m so sorry that you are bombarded with so many impactful situations at the same time.

This is going to sound like a very "dry" response to "raw" situations, but when I feel overwhelmed, it sometimes helps me.

I try to list all of the issues at hand. I choose the ones that I have absolutely no control over (Serenity Prayer type things). I set them aside to be thoughtfully contemplated whenever it fills my mind / heart. Because trying to manifest control over things where there is none can be mind boggling. I know this because I have tried so many times to do so. 😏. And it just doesn’t work out.

Then, I organize the other things in my mind or on paper. I determine possible courses of action for each thing - as devoid of accompanying emotion as possible. (I often fail to meet this goal as all of you know!)

Organize them in whatever order makes sense to you: in order of importance, or in order of which has to be handled first due to time constraints, or whatever.

I’m so sorry you are / have been in so much pain with your foot and knee. It really grates on the nerves and can make other concerns seem even worse.

And I’m sooooo very sorry for what your father experienced and the impact it had on his life. My daddy was affected in a kind of similar way while at war.

Regardless of their "take" on these type of life and death situations, I feel the impact such things have on them go to their character.

As much as your foot situation is a bother to you personally and professionally, this one seems to be solving itself. It simply has to be addressed. You seem so active, this will be such a pain in the ass, but at least will eventually be resolved, and with (🙏) positive results.

As a grateful mother of adopted children, I believe that all of us…birth mother, child, and adoptive mother (fathers too, of course) all wade through a myriad of feelings. I personally have had no issues with my sons seeking contact with their original families. My oldest did so, and still has some contact with some siblings. My middle son from Russia has no hope for that opportunity and it haunts him. Our youngest hasn’t picked up a letter from his birth mom from the adoption agency. I support any ways they process this issue in their lives.

One thing I wanted to add is that there may come a time when your child reconsiders. Maybe when she has her own children, or hearing stories from other adopted kids or their birth parents. Or maybe upon the death of their adoptive mom. Sometimes kids get the idea it is disrespectful to their adoptive parents to search for their birth parents, and wait to do so until their adoptive parents have passed, in order to avoid hurting them.

I hope you will hold to the thought that your decision was truly made with your best interest for your child. And as an adjacent effect, your decision impacted the lives of her adoptive family in ways you cannot imagine. ❤️

You are a tremendously strong woman and I know you will surpass all of these challenges. And your SI friends will be here to have your back while you navigate them.

🙏🙏🙏

I pray one day you get to hug your daughter and grandson.

(((HFSSC)))

(((HFSSC)))
Time to rent a kneeler scooter. My MIL was hell on wheels when she was NWB when she had her bunions fixed, first the right then the left. She had that thing an entire 6 months. She would go crazy fast in her house. LOL But nothing slows her down.

Anyway.... I hope you get a date for your surgery soon, and that the only pain you have to deal w/ after is the surgical pain. I am right there with you, I'm going to have to do something w/ my Right foot. I have been fortunate the destruction has slowed w/ a work from home job sitting on my ass all day. But that isn't healthy either.

I know we have spoken about your DD, and everything that goes with it, but I hope she has a change of heart now that she too understands what it means to be a mom. You did the best most selfless thing possible. So just always remember that.

I wasn't gonna post this because, damn.

But... my COVID test Wednesday morning was positive. Yay. Yippee. Wow. Just friggin unbelievable. I don't feel as horrible as I did the last time but it's still pretty unpleasant.

How's YOUR week been?

Is this your third time?

Some of my relatives still believe you can't get it more than once. I will have them contact you.

Hope you are feeling better soon!!!

HUGS

Well, this really sucks the big one, especially given that you're probably taking every precaution possible with your job. Just curious, I know you've had it twice before, but is this the first time you've had it since being vaccinated and boosted? If so, do you think that's why this case is not as severe as your previous ones?

Sometimes I wonder how on earth H and I (AND both of our daughters and their spouses) have managed to avoid COVID. Unless we've had it and been asymptomatic. Of course, I have the privilege of not having to go into a workplace, H's workplace is very rigid with mitigation efforts, one D and her H both work from home; but other D and her H have to go into a workplace, yet neither one has gotten it. But obviously your job requires hands-on care, and your commitment to that puts you at risk.

As for your daughter you released at birth. I think it's encouraging that she, at one point, told you, "one day." That's better than her having said never. My bet is, being a new mom will put her in a different head space, and she is likely thinking about it more now than before, but you just aren't privy to those thoughts. I know you want it now, but perhaps now wouldn't lead to the kind of relationship you'd like to have with her, vs. if she waits until she's in a different space emotionally, she might be ready for an ongoing relationship. Life transitions have a way of opening us up to other possibilities in our lives, and she may be taking baby steps in getting there.

Y’all are awesome.

I am feeling a bit better today. Number4, I am not sure how much my symptoms were mitigated due to being vaxxed and boosted versus the data that this current variant just seems overall less intense symptom wise. I will say that I just seem to be more affected by whatever strain is running around than most people are because each time I have had it I have been considerably sicker than the people around me. Of our patients who have had it recently, only one of them had any symptoms worse than a dry cough. My son who was sick at the same time as I had very mild symptoms and he had a J&J shot before going back to school last August and did not get a booster. Go figure. JM and our older son are both just fine.

It was very cathartic to talk about my dad and it feels very much like my sister and I are doing something positive to help someone else and our society overall. I hope this project brings about national conversation about this part of the death penalty that has NEVER been addressed.

As for the situation with my daughter, I know it’s her decision. I know there is nothing I can do about it whatsoever that would not backfire and make the situation worse. I can’t seem to stop myself from obsessively searching and looking for pictures, etc. So I reached out to my former IC who is now retired and is my friend.

She said exactly the perfect thing and I’d never really thought about it in this way. It’s PTSD. And every time I find new information it triggers the whole response. It’s not 35 years ago, it’s all right now again. I asked her if she knew anyone in our area who does EMDR and might pursue that. Meanwhile I will journal and take care of my silly puppy who brings me such joy.

And those of you who pray, I’d welcome those in my behalf. For me to find peace with what is instead of such grief for what isn’t.

Big hugs to you.
You have been through a lot. Take it day by day.

to find peace with what is instead of such grief for what isn’t.

This is such a PERFECT thought!!!

I actually cried when I read it.

That describes what we all need to do with all our life challenges.

You are totally awesome!!!

BTW, did I mention that I SO MUCH LOVE your phrasing…"releasing" your daughter for adoption "?

It is light years more healthy, and more technically accurate than "giving up" a child.

I will definitely be praying that you find healthy, comforting, and healing resolutions to these issues.

💕

Prayers for peace.

What a full plate. Platter. The whole dang table.

Your dad sounds like one of those angels among us with compassion in a horrible situation. I am glad you are shining the light on him. He sounds special.

Covid bites - you know that. I had this new variant and it wasn’t tooo bad- like a bad cold like you said (but that cough still lingers 6 weeks later). I hope you recover quickly.

And yes, get a knee scooter! And I ** think** it is actually illegal for you to work or even check emails when you are on medical leave of absence from work… so remind them of that. (We’ve literally cut of people’s email so they could not work while out just so the company would not get in trouble and of course to ‘force’ the employee to focus on getting better.). Good luck and happy you are getting it taken care of.

Your DD — that is more complicated. I see a parallel to your dad- someone who did the hard and painful thing for themselves to make others’ lives better. I see where you got that from. I hope you can find peace there. (((Hugs))). My best friend growing up was adopted and I know she struggled on her end whether to search out her birth family. Very personal and so so difficult.

take care of you, and let JMSSC help you when he is feeling better,too.

((((HF))))

so much to deal with - just know that I'm with you and loving you

((((HF))))

She said exactly the perfect thing and I’d never really thought about it in this way. It’s PTSD. And every time I find new information it triggers the whole response. It’s not 35 years ago, it’s all right now again.

This is a exactly how I imagine I would experience if had I gone through it. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been to make that initial decision…and now that I’m sure you’re probably in a better place, to not question or even regret the decision. I know you are probably not actually regretting it…but I’m sure the longer implications of having had to make that decision create their own current day regrets. I can see that completely. And that’s hard to reconcile when a decision that felt right years ago when it was made (and in all likelihood was indeed right) now has results that feel so wrong. That’s a really tough place.

Praying that you get some comfort and resolution. ❤️

And I don’t know if this will help but maybe it will ease some of it with this perspective.

There are many birth mothers who were able to raise their child that are now extremely disappointed with the adult relationship. Adult kids that - pardon my bluntness - still won’t get off the tit…or adult children that cut them out completely for some perceived slight from their childhood. I have one that I’m extremely close with…and one that can go months and never return a text or call. The latter one is the father of my only grandchild.

While you keep up with her through social media - and I get that completely - you have to remember too that what you actually see and know is very limited; your mind is filling in those gaps and painting a picture that may or may not be true if it were actually reality. I’m not saying this to dismiss the value - and subsequent grief that you feel - at not having the relationship. I’m just saying that even if you did, it may not look in reality as you imagine it in your head. ❤️

Thank you all.

Zmw I just love you. ❤️

I feel a lot better. Went back to work Friday and JM and I went to an annual fishing tournament yesterday. It took a lot out of me so I’ve rested today. The fishing tournament benefits the mission in Nicaragua where he went in 2018. He always builds 2 or 3 pieces of furniture that are auctioned off. The weather was perfect, we saw some dear friends, and it always makes me so proud when people are bidding for something he worked to build.

Truth, I really appreciate your perspective about my daughter and the sometimes difficult nature of parent-child relationships in even the “best” situations. And it’s helped me realize that In some ways I set myself up for so much pain and disappointment. I’m not beating myself up about it; I just recognize it now. In my decision making process, I think I felt like I’d made a bargain of some sorts… with God, the universe?? I was putting her needs and best interest above anything else at that moment. So I was convinced that as soon as she turned 21 she would return to me. Not as her mother. I have always known and recognized their place in her life. I never wanted (and still don’t) to replace or supersede them in any way. When I received the information with her name on it, that seemed to be a sort of a sign. When I located her, knew for sure that I had found the right person, again it seemed to be a sign. I literally could not imagine that she would not feel the same yearning, the same level of desire for a relationship.

Sitting here at almost 56 years old that seems… idk, a little ridiculous. I had absolutely nothing to base that on but my feelings. But as the woman and mother (and grandmother) that I am today I have so much compassion in my heart for the 19 year old who experienced such trauma, loss, abandonment and grief with no tools or coping skills whatsoever. I had to hold onto something and so I created this idealized scenario of the outcome.

So my work now is to be able to let go of that.

I’ve also begun to acknowledge some feelings of anger about the situation that I have never allowed myself to feel or express. The adoption agency flat out lied to me in 1987. When I opened the mail that had a progress report, all of the identifying information was supposed to be redacted. But I was outside in the bright sun and the light reflected differently from the original print and whatever they had used to mark over it. I called the agency immediately and after first scolding me as though it were somehow my fault, they told me that the parents would be informed that I had that information. Being a “Christian” organization it never occurred to me that they would not follow through. I don’t think I would have contacted her parents the way that I did if I had not believed they already knew it was a possibility. If that makes sense.

Also, I shared here before that I had been in contact with the biological father a few years ago, and that I had to completely reinterpret that history. This guy was a friend of my brother’s; they were stationed together in Germany and worked together. I went to visit my brother and met him when my brother and his then-wife took me out to one of the clubs on post. Drank for the first time ever and should have been comatose with the amount of alcohol I drank. I lost my virginity and found out I was pregnant after coming home. I spoke to him on the phone just before I got on the plane to come home. And then I never spoke to him or heard from him directly. What I learned in 2018 was that my mom somehow managed to get him on the phone and curse him out. She threatened him and warned him to stay away from me. That if he ever tried to contact me she’d destroy him. Around the same time my brother and him got into a fight and they were both ordered to stay away from each other. D (the biological father) was ordered by his CO and 1st Sgt to make no attempt to contact me. And when the adoption papers were handed to him he never felt like he had any choice but to sign.

So my mom let me believe for over 30 years that I was rejected, abandoned and betrayed by this man. Who was just a kid himself at the time. I am sure she believed she was protecting me in some way. But I find myself enraged that I had to make a life altering decision without having all of the facts about the situation. I had already decided that if he would not or did not sign the relinquishment I would not go through with the adoption and would parent her. Because of the situation with him in the military and overseas, his parental rights could only be terminated if he voluntarily signed. I delayed signing my forms until his were received. So even though it’s all moot, and I cannot change what happened, I’m just so angry that it could have been different.

I’ll be setting up an appointment with a new IC this week. I can’t stay this mad and I don’t see any possible upside with talking to my mom about any of it.

Again, I am so grateful to y’all for your kindness. I actually had joined an online support group for birth parents because I thought that other birth mothers would understand more than anyone, and instead got some really cold responses. That really sucked.

In my decision making process, I think I felt like I’d made a bargain of some sorts… with God, the universe?? I was putting her needs and best interest above anything else at that moment. So I was convinced that as soon as she turned 21 she would return to me.

I probably would have been making the same deal. I mean, my gosh, how could you make that decision otherwise? To think that they would FOREVER be gone? I’m tearing up now just thinking about what that must have been like for you.

And I totally get the now not wanting to take some "mom" role. That’s respect, HFSSC…for all that are involved. And I’m so sorry how it all when down with the whole discovery…that’s just more diminishment. It’s one thing to have to think about and address how your daughter might feel…it’s a whole other piece to then also have it in regards to the agency, her adoptive parents. Clearly the agency fucked up but that likely affects you way more than anyone else that’s involved.

And your mom…I get it completely. She probably thought she was doing what was best for you - and in the big picture, it may have very well been. But to have made such a big decision to only later learn that you didn’t have full agency in it? That’s huge. I think we’ve all experienced what seems to be regret when we look back at decisions we have made; but the ones that were made without full agency are the hardest to resolve. And that’s especially hard when we can’t feel the resulting anger without the conflict of not really feeling that we can BE angry at the person that put us in that position.

You’ve got a lot to unpack and I can see why it would leave you confused and conflicted. I’m sure that’s even harder now that you have a granddaughter. It feels like the same thing all over again.