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I posted a long while in the Just Found Out forum. I left my husband 6months ago. My husband had a 7 month long affair, with a 28 year old Co-Worker. It was all just terrible, she ended up pregnant, which my husband thought he fathered. The worse of it was, he and I were trying for a baby, and months after I left, I found out, that Yes. I am pregnant. Long story short. I left, moved across the country, pregnant and alone. My Ex husband I have agreed that we needed to be there for our child. And over these months,its been heartbreaking and sad. I love my Ex, we had a great marriage, he was always a good husband, my rock gave me a good life. He has asked if I could ever take him back. I just avoided a straight answer. Communication dropped off other than check ins asking about the pregnancy. He and I saw each other for the first time in weeks or months July 4th. Since then he has been in constant contact. Sending me personal gifts and this letter that confessed he wanted me back. He wrote this letter to my parents apologizing for hurting me, and them and ruining everything. Hes been to counseling and has been adamant about reconciliation. I dont know what to think, my mind has been on the baby and adjusting to supporting myself, not thinking about my Ex. I have pregnancy brain so, I dont want to make any overly emotional or stupid decisions. But how do you know, if you WS is truly remorseful. Is he just lonely,or is he truly sad, he says our marriage meant everything, he made the biggest mistake. Those of you who have had success. How did you know that your WS was sincere.

It's their consistent behavior over time.

IC is a plus. Transparency is a plus. Not getting defensive or blame shifting is a plus.

My WH was remorseful right after D-Day. He threw OW under the bus immediately and never looked back. He found a new job bc OW was a COW who worked in an office on the opposite coast, and WH knew there was no way he could continue to do his job effectively avoiding that regional office.

He had been involved in a sport, his passion, for 37 years. He gave it up willingly. He invested that time into the marriage and our family.

He took EVERYTHING I threw at him (I raged and raged and raged), in the beginning he was a bit defensive and tried to blame me, but quickly realized he made his own choice to cheat.

He cried. I think genuine tears because his actions affected every aspect of our lives, our marriage, his job, his hobby, our friends, our children. He felt a tremendous amount of guilt (not initially but when the consequences started to hit him hard, he realized WTF did I do?) He told his mother what he did and apologized for letting her down. He apologized to our children who were tweens/teens at the time.

R takes a great deal of time and energy. Both of you have to be in it 100%. R is not for the faint of heart, it's hard, it's combative, it's an emotional roller coaster. Two steps forward, sometimes three steps back. You have to build a new foundation of trust and honesty and accountability.

If you love each other, I think you can make it through to the other side.

Hey Limoncello. Glad things are going well and you are feeling good during this pregnancy despite the turmoil.

I’m weighing in b/c I too had planned to D my H. After his second EA (this one turning physical) and him destroying me during his affair, his plan to D me etc. I feel as though I have some insight (and hopefully) helpful thoughts.

I expected this might happen b/c you made the decision to D but you were still in love with your H. I support you no matter what you chose or choose. You know yourself best.

Ok. Back to your question. How do you know?

You don’t know 100%. You never will. However realistically you didn’t know before the A if your H would have cheated but you just assumed he would not do that. Same for most of us - not always red flags or warning signs.

But while I planned to D something stopped me. First it was an untimely death in my family. No one expected it. I was emotionally rock bottom between my H planning to D me and then deciding HE wanted to R then this death. Then a few weeks later it was Christmas. Then NYE. And he’s not letting up that he wants to R.

And I start to see some changes. Big changes. So I start to think. Am I being hasty?

I demanded a post nup to even consider R. My H willingly signed it.

We just passed 9 years from his A. It’s been good. I’m happy. He’s happy. It all works.

In your case you don’t have to remarry. You can live together or live apart. You can take it for a test drive. You can see where it goes and how you feel. You can co-parent and see what happens.

Most importantly you can have the relationship that works for you. You can be nothing more than co-parents, you can be friends, you can be in a committed relationship or you can choose to remarry. It’s what you think best.

You can decide to give it a year and see what his changes are and if that suits your needs. Are they permanently part of his life. Are they changes that mske an impact.

It’s your call.

PS My H too apologized to my family. Every one of them. That takes guts and character.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:05 AM, Sunday, July 24th]

After Dday 1, it took me 18 months to decide to reconcile. He had very consistent behavior and marked changes for that long, that I figured that was real.

After Dday2 (separate incident, 7 years later), it took 5 years and a couple of months to know it worthwhile to reconcile this time.

There is no reason you can’t date after you’re divorced.

The path from dumbass to reconciliation is fraught with terribleness and idiocy, even if your WS is doing everything right. And they never do everything right.

You can always date after you’re divorced.

I reconciled and have regrets, but stand by what I did at this time. It was a decision I would make differently now. But I’m here, so I’m making it work.

Pragmatically, you should realize that at least part of his motivation could be to avoid paying 18 years of child support as well as a divorce settlement.

You've already left and started building your new life. Your husband let you go at first and you got through the hard part of initial separation without his support. Now he is suddenly love-bombing you and also being a bit pushy by writing to your relatives without getting your permission or even your buy-in for reconciliation first. That's an attempt to get them to put pressure on you to reconcile.

I agree with a PP who said that you can reconcile after divorce if you're both motivated. You've already separated and that's the hardest thing to do. If he really loves you and wants to reconcile for the sake of being with you (rather than to just avoid the financial and social consequences of divorce), then he should be willing to try to reconcile after divorce. I recommend divorcing now, and then considering reconciliation based on how he treats you during and after divorce. If he's sincere and motivated, you can create a brand new marriage someday, instead of trying to patch up a destroyed one.

[This message edited by morningglory at 7:45 AM, Sunday, July 24th]

MorningGlory

One of the reasons he let her go was b/c that was what Limoncello requested and he was respecting her wishes

He has refused to accept the fact that Limoncello moved away and that this was over between them. He has been trying to R with her but also tried to be respectful of her choice to move.

He has refused to accept the fact that Limoncello moved away and that this was over between them. He has been trying to R with her but also tried to be respectful of her choice to move.

Triangulating the situation by writing to her parents without first getting her buy in for reconciliation is not being respectful of her choice.

We don't know his motivation. The OP doesn't know. Only time will tell that because actions over time will prove it, not his words. It could be love, or it could be to avoid the financial and social consequences of divorce. Being on the hook for 18 years of child support payments would make a lot of men flinch.

That is why I advise her to be cautious rather than trusting. He has already broken her trust once, and she has already begun the hard process of rebuilding her life. She isn't still living in the marital home, trying to decide what to do. She got it together and moved on, and that's a huge, hard step to take.

Reconciliation can occur after divorce. If he is sincere, getting the divorce will help her to know that he isn't only trying to reconcile to avoid divorce, which will give her more trust in him and help their eventual reconciliation. If he is not sincere, getting the divorce will show her his true colors. Either way, it's the best way for her to learn the truth and the best path forward, rather than just jumping back into the relationship now, with her fingers crossed.

[This message edited by morningglory at 8:06 AM, Sunday, July 24th]

My wife never completely dropped the ball with our two kids. It gave me something to work with.

She stopped avoiding me and started to cuddle me again in bed.

Hers was a same sex AP, and more of an exit affair.

I have the patience of a saint from managing an alcoholic mother and a greedy stepmother through my formative years.

How did I know if she was sincere? I don’t think she is insincere. I think she can be nuts and view weighty things, too lightly. She can be defensive, avoidant, stubborn, unconventional almost as a matter of principle.

I think we have been reconciling, instead of just sitting in pain, for about 6 months and think it will take another year.

One thing I had to do was to make this a last chance scenario. A successful reconciliation is a small miracle and takes a lot of humility and grace. I’m not looking to find fault or jump at shadows, but if she ever goes down the A path again I’m gone. I trust that.

Through our 24 year relationship I have been an authentic, loyal, earnest, principled guy dressed up in easygoing clothing. I’m still that but I think (hope) she has a better understanding of what that is worth, and it could be lost just like that.

My suggestion is that you take R slow, and let him know that ‘if’ you reconcile it would likely take 2 years to be living together again, you will expect a lot from him, and he can demand nothing from you but sincerity and honesty. You might build in some ground rules like a quarterly check-in conversation, and the possibility of marriage counseling starting in 9 to 12 months if you make it that far.

[This message edited by straightup at 8:42 AM, Sunday, July 24th]

Hi Limoncello - I don't think anyone can really answer the question because if our partners/spouses did this once, then they can do it again of course. I think it is a matter of a core change and a willingness to see you before himself if that makes sense. Is he able to have a conversation that is more about you than him, i.e.,

"I want to do what makes you feel best and am up for anything you need to make this work"

versus

"I so want to get back with you, I need you, I love you so much and cannot live without you."

The difference between the two is stark but can seem similar. The first one is about you and his willingness to work to what you need. It is a clear understanding that there is someone outside of himself that needs attention. The second is only about him although it seems to be about you.

It took me a long time to learn the difference and I have to admit when I heard the second one I'd feel guilty about not feeling happy or reassured. But I came to understand that the second comment didn't make me feel reassured because it wasn't about ways to work together. Nor was it evidence that I was seen and heard.

I wish I could tell you to expect instant results but at least in my case it took quite some time to get to a place where my WS could stop only seeing himself making R very tenuous for several years. I was on the fence for quite some time and frankly became very comfortable with that ambiguity. In your case you have a child and some timing to consider. I hope that no matter what you decide, you come to honor yourself, your needs, your wishes above all else which ultimately is what will help you get to the right decision for YOU.

Hi Limoncelllo,

I read your story. Gently, your ex husband seems to know which buttons to push to convince you, sell you, manipulate you, or control you and other members of the family into believing that he is adamant about reconciliation with an apology letter.

And if I understand correctly the letters were sent out before you had made any definitive decision to R.

That’s coercion, in it’s most subtle form. Your ex, is using pressure on you. I’m assuming here, I could be wrong, that your answer to his question of could you ever take me back, threw him off. So he’s pushing with constant communication, gifts, whatever it takes.

Perhaps it would make more sense, to take time to decide what role do you want your ex to play in your life, instead of being seemingly pressured about R and having to wonder about his sincerity. etc. And if you are uncertain, that's OK.

My husband seemed sincere in wanting to reunite. Gut feel. We were separated. I decided what role I wanted him to play in my life. He did what I asked him to do before R. Not what he thought he should do, but what I wanted him to do. I did not trust his words yet, I did not trust his motives yet, but I saw his actions and efforts. That was the start of R.

I found the first two years in R as tumultuous and rough on both spouses. I would question his motives for returning as he had gone to live with his AP.
Over and over again. It was one part of the stuff we had to work through. This is rough on both spouses. And there is a child on the way.

I encourage you to think it through, do what you feel and think is correct for you. I know it’s one of the hard things to do right now as there are so many other life issues to decide on.

And please don’t let anyone pressure you into making any decision you are not ready to make.

Those of you who have had success. How did you know that your WS was sincere.

For ME...it was TIME that showed my H was sincere. I issued ultimatums on Dday. I told him he didn't have to do any of them...but if he didn't do EVERY ONE...we were OVER. To my surprise...not only did my H do all of them...he surpassed them .

My H also quit doing things that HE felt contributed to him having his OA's and eventual PA. He gave up drinking and watching porn all on his own. He then started reading his Bible daily. Then WE started doing a daily Bible Study. THIS more than anything has helped BOTH of us to feel we are in the BEST M we have ever been in .

I love my Ex, we had a great marriage, he was always a good husband, my rock gave me a good life. He has asked if I could ever take him back. I just avoided a straight answer.

Gently, did you give yourself a straight answer?

Your H is an important factor if you want to R. YOU are the most important factor in deciding IF you want to R. Again, gently, what do you want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your H, if he commits to you completely?

You made rules about your relationship after you found out, and you decided very quickly to D. That was fine. Now, IMO, you're wondering of the quick decision was the best one you could make. That's fine, too - this is about human relationships, after all, and human relationships are messy.

But start with figuring out what you want.

If R is something you think you want, my reco is to think about your requirements for R. Once you've got those, see if your XH will either sign on or suggest something else that you can willingly accept. If you come to an agreement that feels good to both of you, start building your new M. Just be ready to end R if it isn't working for you.

I wanted honesty above all. Answering my questions did a lot to rebuild trust. At the same time, more important to the success of R for us was my W's willingness to do therapy to change the aspects of herself that enabled her to cheat and to lie to me and to herself. My top 2 reqs were: 'no more lies' and 'change from cheater to good partner'.

IDK about writing your parents ... could be OK, could be overly manipulative. You know better than anyone else here can. You'll probably be able to work this out if you start to negotiate R.

*****

** Posting as a member **

Pragmatically, you should realize that at least part of his motivation could be to avoid paying 18 years of child support as well as a divorce settlement.

Oh, for sure, because it costs nothing to support a child in a rebuilt family, right?

If getting off cheaper is an XS's goal, living separately allows the XS to plead, 'I can't afford more than we agreed'. That doesn't work if a couple is together and honest with each other.

The D is done; the settlement has been reached and recorded so the courts will help enforce it. Much more important, XH has - with good reason - allowed Limoncello to call the tune. And if R becomes a possibility, L can negotiate a favorable pre-nup.

Skepticism is healthy after d-day, but it's also healthy to keep skepticism from becoming cynicism.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:18 PM, Sunday, July 24th]

Thank You all for the insight. Much to think about!
I need clarify, I divorced my WH.I may have done so too quickly. I wasn't thinking clearly, I was ashamed, hurt and embarrassed. I was confused by his betrayal. He didn't hide the truth, he ws ready and willing to do anything to make it right.I wouldn't allow it. I wanted out. I knew divorcing him would year him apart. It has, he has been losing everything. From friends, family and business. I moved out and then across the country. He has found a home nearby so he will be near the baby.He and I have been able to become friendly, he's been nothing but Kind and respectful. He's been getting "help" he was away for some time. He's from Italy, returned home, and that is when the letters were sent. I knew nothing of it. My Mother told me, it was him apologizing to them, for destroying everything. He had a very Very close relationship with my parents. Uncle to my siblings children and suddenly after 17 yrs he is gone.
I don think he wrote the letters to manipulate me, he doesn't know I know about the letters. He is back in the states and he has been wonderful. He has respected my space and privacy, always makes sure I have all I nee for the baby. He came to a Doctor appt. With me(met me there) he asked if I could ever forgive him. I think its sinking in that our baby is about to be born into a broken home. Shuffled between two homes. We tried so hard for this baby, we always wanted to be a string family unit.
He has been giving me gifts and well as someone said love bombing me. But I can't say it's him being manipulative, because he's never inappropriate towards me. There's been ZERO sexual contact, hugging or kissing, nothing intimate at all. He calls a lot, ask to talk, mainly after his IC sessions he's also in a men's group for divorced and separated men at our parish.
Everyone says they see the change, he has been proving that he has turned himself around. Not fully it's too soon, but he's working towards it. I think maybe the letters, were encouraged to help his healing. His letter to me was beautiful, I know it was sincere. He was very open and honest. I have been thinking maybe I should in time give our marriage another chance?
I like to believe he is sincere, he seems to be.He said he will do anything to prove he deserves to be my husband. I know his character, I can see he's come to realize his mistake, he's as transparent as I can see. We are divorced. He doesn't have to prove anything to me. But he does. He isnt seeing anyone, he and I had only one incident, I was spending a lot of time with his Brother, who has been a friend long before I was ever married. He was just being supportive of me as he always has. I saw it like m big brother taking care of me. My Ex was REALLY UPSET friends and family said it was inappropriate, stop spending time together, saying I would make things worse. I have stopped. I told my Ex I had no motives. My EX made the strange comment of how he would never accept me being with anyone else. That made things, weird. But, we talked it out he said he was still in love with me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life making it all up to me and our child. We hve talked it out and it's been fine ever since.
I read the success stories in the groups and I believe that we could make it work. It will take a long time! I find it hard to forgive. I realize he did lie, cheat and steal for 7 months! Thought he impregnated her. It wasn't just a weekend fling. This took a lot of effort! I think if I were to go through with it. It's going to take Months if not a year or more. And how to become sexually intimate with a man who cheats is, my biggest challenge, because I would be obsessed about is this what he did with her!!?? These questions are why I question is it worth it? Is love enough? I know I can be alone! But I don't want to be.

Correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t your husband going to leave you for the OW that he thought was pregnant with his baby? I seem to recall you mentioning how much he had wanted to be a father and you 2 had tried to get pregnant unsuccessfully. Than he thinks impregnated OW and is going to leave you. You find out secretly that you are pregnant about the time he learns the OW is pregnant by someone else right? Then he suddenly was all about reconciliation when he learned you were pregnant. I personally would question his true love for me or just the fact that he wants to be a full time father.

Definedbygrace
No he wasn't leaving. Yes, we had tried to have children for sometime.I had a terrible miscarriage years ago,and I had trouble conceiving. My Exhusband was definitely going to be there for his child with the OW and he definitely wanted children. I left him immediately and filed divorce. Were now divorced.

You ask some excellent questions.

Is love enough to happily R with your XH?

Can you be with a guy knowing he cheated?

Only you can answer these questions. To me, still being in love is the most important. Without the love and passion, it’s not the marriage you once had. And that is where you wish ti be - in a marriage with love and passion.

One thing you won’t know is how the affair affects you (should you R). Will you be able to put it aside when you have a disagreement (not based around infidelity )?

Let’s say he comes home late. Innocent and it’s nothing but he’s late. Will you not jump to conclusion that he’s cheating or anything like that? Will you not become angry and jump to conclusions?

There will be triggers. The date you found out, the OW’s name, etc. Do you think those things will lessen over time and cause yiu less stress?

As an example the OW has the same name as about 6 of my cousins. So I have to hear the name. Doesn’t bother me at all now but it took me about a year to get there. Some people never get there at all.

Your H can be 200% perfect from here on in. But it’s how you react to so many things are the important factors.

PS I still ban jazz music in my home. That was one if their shared bonds. I was never a big jazz fan. Now I despise it. My H understands why there is no jazz music allowed. He gets it.

I think you have done exactly the right things for you and your child. You are where you are supposed to be and you now have your family and friends around you.

And from what he did, your action to divorce him was entirely appropriate and allowed you to make the move you needed to without him as your anchor.

Now, as for him, you have the time to work through your pain and try and heal from what he did. It’s a slow dedicated process to reconcile and rebuild. If I were you I would let him know that. I remember being amazed how quickly, in like 4 hours, a contractor demolished our kitchen a few years ago. Then it took 12 weeks to rebuild it and make it new.

This is the same concept with what he has to do to build something new with you. It’s a multi year process. And that is under normal circumstances. Right now having your first child, you have other things to focus on.

So the message to him should be that he needs to be the best coparent he can be right now. That you do t have time to focus on your relationship at this point in time. But if he does the right things, gets Himself into individual therapy with an infidelity specialist and works hard, and focuses on you and your future child, that while you make no promises, you are leaving the future open and unwritten.

Tell him that’s the best offer you can make right now and that it will be years before you can possibly see yourself in a place to decide if he’s the one you want to spend your life with.

Whether or not he can make that decision to dedicate himself to you will show you if he’s worthy of your love again.

Focus on you. Focus on your child. You are doing the right things.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:31 PM, Monday, July 25th]

Limoncello, one of the great ironies of infidelity is that the more desperate a BS is to reconcile at any cost, the more ambivalent the WS is about saving the marriage. You might think you rushed to divorce too hastily, but it's entirely likely that one of the main reasons your WS is so desperate to win you back is precisely because you were completely unwilling to tolerate his betrayal and took immediate action.

While we can't know how he would've acted if you had done the pick-me dance or agreed to reconcile, the collective experience of SI is that WS's rarely "get it" immediately; more often than not, they spend months or even years continuing to lie, string their BS along, and/or hedge their bets with AP.

Don't second guess your decision to do what was best for yourself and your child. You prioritized being the best mother possible to your child. You don't have to worry about monitoring his activities and communications while at the same time caring for a newborn. You're not struggling with triggers and the daily anxiety of living with someone who betrayed you. You're not trying to repair a broken marriage while in the throes of a postpartum period. You got yourself out of infidelity and refused to bring a child into it.

As for your ex, maybe he's truly remorseful, maybe he isn't. I think it's too early for him to know for sure, let alone you. Based on what you've written, he seems to be entirely consumed with what he's lost and the effect the divorce has had on him.

If your ex truly appreciated the impact of his action on you, instead of love-bombing you, showering you with gifts, triangulating with your parents, and trying to break down your defenses with a battering ram, your ex-husband would be focused on his healing himself, building a healthy co-parenting relationship with you, and committing to be the best father he can possibly be to your child, whether or not you ever choose to be intimately involved with him again.

You have already made significant sacrifices for your child. What is he willing to sacrifice for your well-being and the well-being of your child?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:27 AM, Tuesday, July 26th]

I think your situation is complicated for both you and your XH by the fact that you are both expecting your first child. Most of us envision raising a child in a two parent home as the preferred situation. My husband and I have had 3 male friends over the past several years whose girlfriends became pregnant before they were considering long-term relationships. They all tried to work it out with marriage or a live-in commitment. Many couples are compelled to want to try a nuclear family. Only one couple made it work. The others are happy co-parents living separately.

That's not the same as your situation though. You were married first. I just think you should keep in mind that you and your XH might be influenced by idealizing a family future together. Research also shows a lower marriage satisfaction in the first year of new parenthood. I don't think we're allowed to include links, but you can google it.

Again, I'm not saying that makes your XH a poor reconciliation risk. It's also hard for me to imagine a person logically choosing marriage to avoid child support. I'm not against reconciliation. My WH and I are nearly 6 years out and mostly reconciled and happy. I wish I had better advice to give.