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Not that this is a surprise to anyone, but you really can't. You can hope. You can lay down expectations. You can set boundaries. But the only one who can make the change is them.

I have waited 5+ years to see any TRUE changes in Mrs. Cap. The MC we are still with, that we started seeing 18 months ago, has helped considerably. She has held Mrs. Cap's feet to the fire, has dug deeper to find issues pre-A, has not let Mrs. Cap off the hook when it comes to empathy. In short...she's good...REALLY good.

The last few sessions, we have covered my stuff, my low "connection" numbers (higher than the 0-1 from a few months back, but still not generally above a 5), and have been getting to the heart of the issues.

Yesterday, we talked about the times across the last 28 years where I have been scrutinized at the molecular level, nitpicked to the extreme, held to impossible standards with the "bare minimum" being absolute perfection. I talked about the feelings of unfairness, of feeling unloved & unwanted.

And for the first time in the MANY years of off and on MC, Mrs. Cap cried. She cried and she actually said "The reason you feel like the villain is because that's what I did. I did do all those things."

(FYI, she had NEVER admitted to doing any of that before, always saying that it was my misperception).

Then she did some things that even further shocked me. She said "I was a terrible person then. I am so sorry that I did that to you for so many years. I can't believe that I allowed myself to do that to you. To go through all of that, capped off by my A and then how I continued to treat you afterwards...that is more than anyone should have to bear. I can't imagine the burden that must have been to carry. I don't ever want to do that to you again. Will you forgive me?"

And I thought...who are you and what did you do with Mrs. Cap?

She didn't deny anything. She went on to talk about what she was feeling through those years (not defending anything, just saying things about her bitterness and anger and, on some level, hatred of me...that was hard to hear) how she did everything she could to tear me down.

And unlike times past, she did it with remorse, with what looked like true sorrow, not driven by shame, but driven by actual care about what she had done, who she had been, and what she wants to show up like now.

It was a peek into the cha ges she has been working on in herself.

And it felt good.

And it felt good.

THIS made my heart smile .

Simply, "Wow."

That seems to be a marked and remarkable turnaround from the way that she used to act. Color me impressed.

I'm sure that you're cautiously ecstatic. :)

I opened the post worried that Mrs CaptianRogers had a major backslide and found quite the opposite. Congrats on the step forward. I hope she continues to follow the path she's on and you are able to move past what she did during those dark years. You deserved better and I hope she's able to fully get there.

That's beautiful news. And a massive credit to you for hanging in there so long. Hats off to you guys Cap'n.

That seems to be a marked and remarkable turnaround from the way that she used to act. Color me impressed.

I'm sure that you're cautiously ecstatic. :)

At the end of that discussion, the MC asked "What does Mrs. Cap's responses mean to you?"

To which, I replied "That maybe I can trust the changes as being real and that she is truly different than she has been for the entirety of our marriage."

Glad to see the positive post.

That’s great news!!! Thank you for sharing.

Hi Cap,

I have followed your journey since I joined, and this is truly hopeful progress! Such a great update.

You can hope. You can lay down expectations. You can set boundaries. But the only one who can make the change is them.

Such truth in those words. I/we are in the weeds right now in recovery, and your update provides an excellent reality check for me. It recenters me and reassures me to hold to my expectations and boundaries. Reconciliation can only happen with true change on the part of the WS.

So glad to read your update!

That is so wonderful to hear.

Thanks for sharing this update. I hope things continue in this trend. It's wonderful to read.

Uplifting!

Happy for you both, Captain.

I/we are in the weeds right now in recovery, and your update provides an excellent reality check for me. It recenters me and reassures me to hold to my expectations and boundaries. Reconciliation can only happen with true change on the part of the WS.

And those weeds can be thick and thorny! Keep those boundaries & expectations. You will not regret keeping them. You WILL regret allowing them to be trampled.

Pulling for you, BB!

Yesterday, we talked about the times across the last 28 years where I have been scrutinized at the molecular level, nitpicked to the extreme, held to impossible standards with the "bare minimum" being absolute perfection. I talked about the feelings of unfairness, of feeling unloved & unwanted.

And for the first time in the MANY years of off and on MC, Mrs. Cap cried. She cried and she actually said "The reason you feel like the villain is because that's what I did. I did do all those things."

(FYI, she had NEVER admitted to doing any of that before, always saying that it was my misperception).

Then she did some things that even further shocked me. She said "I was a terrible person then. I am so sorry that I did that to you for so many years. I can't believe that I allowed myself to do that to you. To go through all of that, capped off by my A and then how I continued to treat you afterwards...that is more than anyone should have to bear. I can't imagine the burden that must have been to carry. I don't ever want to do that to you again. Will you forgive me?"

It was almost therapeutic just reading this, even though it wasn't my cheater saying it and he will never say it, though it's all true. This is the hard reality of how they turn on us and devalue us while they're cheating. It's so nice to hear an admission of it. Glad she told the truth and is remorseful.

[This message edited by morningglory at 10:33 AM, Friday, July 15th]

What do you think has changed for her? What untruth has she unlearned about herself?

What do you think has changed for her? What untruth has she unlearned about herself?

Somewhere along the line, she has learned that she ISN'T perfect, that she has to stop seeing people as a means to an end, that she cannot operate independently and actually have a relationship, and that her actions and attitudes over the past 20+ years have been the MAJOR issue (not the only, but the biggest & most present) in our relationship.

Somewhere in the past 6 months (really), she got some sort of a wake-up call that said something to the effect that she isn't the victim, but is actually the abuser (for lack of a better analogy).

Or, more succinctly, her head has been removed from the "poor me" rectal area.

So great to hear, CaptainRogers! Wishing you all the best!

...she has learned that she ISN'T perfect...

One of the things that I learned here on SI is that "phrasing" things in a different way can help us to understand ourselves and each other a little better. For instance, I used to write that "I am conflict avoidant and a wall-builder." Today I rephrase it as: "I have a tendency to avoid conflict and build walls." It's much easier to change who we are by recognizing and adjusting our tendencies (aka: FOO shit).

I can't imagine your wife every truly believed she was perfect. I mean seriously, she married a Cubs fan. It is clear, however, at least from what you've written, that this tendency towards perfection, this desperate "need" to be perfect, has been tripping her up for most of her life.

This is what I mean when I say that sometimes people have to unlearn an untruth about themselves in order to heal and move forward. I know I did. I know my Ex did, too. And it's always a work in progress, you know. It's not like we can just flip a light switch and low and behold we're fixed. It's a conscious effort.

Does your wife still feel and think that she has to be perfect in order to be loved? Can she love her imperfect self?

I can't imagine your wife every truly believed she was perfect. I mean seriously, she married a Cubs fan.

That would have been the "perfect" act of mercy and kindness. 🤣

There are two aspects to that perfection mindset.

A. Growing up, she received praise for her perfect grades (4.0, valedictorian, Summa Cum Laude in college), her perfect attendance (never had a non-school related absence K-12), and her "perfect" behavior. Plenty of FOO stuff that said "you are perfect, everyone else has to conform to what you want".

2. When her mom got sick back in the late 80s, her teenage mind said "if I just do XYZ perfectly, my mom will get better". That fed the need for perfection.

How do I know she believed herself to be perfect? In one conversation shortly after D-Day v1.0, she made the statement that there was nothing wrong with what she had been doing because she had already decided that it was OK, she knew she wasn't capable of doing anything wrong, so her phone calls & texts with the AP couldn't have been wrong (she was still lying about going on dates at that time).

So, somewhere along the line, she has accepted the fact that she is, in fact, not perfect, that she is capable of inflicting heinous emotional damage on others, that she is responsible for her choices (rather than being a victim of someone else's decisions) and that she has a great deal to atone for in the marriage relationship.

It's not like we can just flip a light switch and low and behold we're fixed. It's a conscious effort.

I know that to be true. You RiverChicken fans just won't make that conscious effort to amend your ways...

Though it was nice seeing Pujols make it to round 2 in the Derby last night.