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Reconciliation :
You Can't Make Them Change

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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 9:08 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Cap. I know I told you to walk at least a few times over the years.

I've never been happier to be wrong. smile

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5033   路   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8745432
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earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 10:49 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Wonderful Update! I would think it felt surreal to hear those words from her. I'm happy for you Cap.

I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

posts: 278   路   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   路   location: US
id 8745450
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 11:22 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Cap. I know I told you to walk at least a few times over the years.

I've never been happier to be wrong. smile

You were never wrong to tell me to walk, numb. I was just too stubborn to listen. Ask Unhinged. He'll tell you that as well. 馃ぃ

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3268   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8745458
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:07 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

I don't recall ever suggesting you walk, although I do recall asking you if it was a possibility. I'm truly happy that Mrs. Cap has made these breakthroughs. I happy for you, for her, and for your kids, too. I think she may have reached the point at which she's finally started to understand her "whys." Perhaps you are, as well. For most couples in R, this can be a major turning point in your relationship.

At some point, as you well know, for reconciliation for succeed, both spouses have to be "all in."

Are you ready for that?

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6536   路   registered: May. 21st, 2015   路   location: Colorado
id 8745471
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 12:41 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

I don't recall ever suggesting you walk, although I do recall asking you if it was a possibility.

I meant to just ask you about whether or not I'm stubborn. I know there's a comment just waiting to come out for that. 馃ぃ

At some point, as you well know, for reconciliation for succeed, both spouses have to be "all in."

Are you ready for that?

As ready as I was for a World Series title!

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3268   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8745474
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:50 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

I meant to just ask you about whether or not I'm stubborn.

You have a tendency towards stubbornness.

One thing about you, sir, is quite clear: you're a dedicated man (clearly a prerequisite for... well... ya'll know by now)

How does knowing what you know now change the way you see her?

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6536   路   registered: May. 21st, 2015   路   location: Colorado
id 8745499
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 4:39 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

How does knowing what you know now change the way you see her?

In a strange way, there is compassion for who she is now in light of who she was.

There is (and probably always will be) some sort of a question mark about whether what is seen now is actually real.

Overall, she is still (on some level) the same girl I fell in love with decades ago. From the outside looking in, she lost her way in a terrible, destructive (to herself and to our relationship) manner. I see the sorrow, the shame, the remorse for the terrible decisions made. I see the acknowledgment and the acceptance (now) of a lifetime full of consequences stemming from those choices.

That is probably the biggest change, really. That she has not only recognized that there are consequences, but also accepting that she cannot simply ignore them.

So, that's how I see her now. Not as a cold, calculating, manipulating abuser. But as one who once was so horribly lost and hurting and seeking all the wrong things that has now figured out what went wrong and is putting her efforts into fixing it.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3268   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8745505
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 8:54 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

I don't recall ever suggesting you walk

Actually I don't think I said walk either. It was more like, "Run like your *** is on fire." Maybe something about bleacher seats at Wrigley? IDK. I am older than I used to be. grin

Anyway, I stand by my earlier comment.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5033   路   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8745714
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:58 PM on Thursday, July 21st, 2022

My take is that you had decided not to D. You were blazing your own path. I didn't really understand what you were doing, but I thought you did, and that's what counts.

This change in your W can lead to really good things in her life and in yours. I hope it continues.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27424   路   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   路   location: Illinois
id 8745719
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 12:41 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Wasn't sure why I was drawn to log in today and check the ol' forum out.

It looks like a really cool Cap update is why.

I will grant my wife course corrected far faster, and I don't know exactly why.

I am fairly certain my wife believed me when I didn't think love would be enough to save us. It wasn't. It would take the effort you may finally, finally be seeing.

But the perfection thing, our wives are clones.

My wife never missed a class, top of her class, earned full scholarships to her choice of schools, lettered in 4 varsity sports, super competitive had to win at life drive. It was all for approval she never got at home. Still hasn't really.

When life doesn't turn out, some folks blame the one they are with.

It was ALL my fault.

It was easier that way. And it certainly was part of my wife's justification for her shitty choices.

Anyway. Long story short, you are spot on. We can't anyone. They have to do it, they have to want it. They have to work for it.

Happily imperfect is my wife today. Very imperfect, but always wanting to aim for better.

I never wanted perfect. I just wanted someone who TRIED to be a better person.

I got that now.

And it looks like I get to cheer for former Rox star Matt Holiday's kid on the Orioles.

My baseball team rebuilding one brick at a time. Kind of like me. Hehe.

Beyond baseball --

May Mrs. Cap continue to want these changes.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4371   路   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   路   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8745751
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:27 AM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2022

You鈥檙e stubborn, Capt, but your wife is just as stubborn as you are about divorce not being an option. It seems like she came to terms with the fact that she could either keep fighting you to have a marriage that was exclusively on her terms, or she could work with you to create a marriage that was safe for both of you to remain in. I鈥檓 glad she was willing to give the latter option a chance.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 844   路   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8745981
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 9:12 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

And it looks like I get to cheer for former Rox star Matt Holiday's kid on the Orioles.

Okay. Whoah! Two things wrong with this sentence. First, Matt Holliday was a "Cards" star. Second, seeing the kids of some of my favorite sports heroes playing professional sports themselves just makes me feel old.

Sorry for the tj

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6536   路   registered: May. 21st, 2015   路   location: Colorado
id 8747063
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 11:10 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Two things wrong with this sentence. First, Matt Holliday was a "Cards" star. Second, seeing the kids of some of my favorite sports heroes playing professional sports themselves just makes me feel old.

A. It most certainly IS former Rox star Matt Holliday. I count none of his time as a RiverChicken, even IF he got a ring there.

2. What makes a guy feel really old isn't just seeing the kids of former players drafted...it's seeing the kid of a guy you played against in college drafted one year, then throwing a no hitter the next. I played against Reid Detmers' (Angels) dad in college. That's what makes you feel old.

And you should remember his pops, Unhinged. Kris played 5 or 6 years in the minors for StL. Big strikeout numbers every season in the mid-late 90s. Never made it to The Show, for some reason. Probably too many walks. He threw 95-98 with the best slider I've ever seen up close.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3268   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8747077
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 3:37 AM on Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

You鈥檙e stubborn, Capt, but your wife is just as stubborn as you are about divorce not being an option. It seems like she came to terms with the fact that she could either keep fighting you to have a marriage that was exclusively on her terms, or she could work with you to create a marriage that was safe for both of you to remain in.

It really was something like that, Blue. When I asked her a couple of days ago what changed, she said she finally came to the conclusion that she could either keep fighting against me, fighting for her vision of who she was, or she could accept what she did and start fighting for our relationship. And as she looked around to see that we would have 2 out of the house this fall with a 3rd likely out in a couple of years...she decided that it was time she stopped fighting against me and accepted that she what she did and started to finally fight for us.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3268   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8747219
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