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Bible reminders

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Niceguy25 posted 10/17/2020 02:37 AM

Brady, this is brilliant. A red highlighter it is. She tells me the notations don’t mean what I think they do, so this idea is perfect. Thank you. If she EVER looks at them again, I will be there as well with new memories of how this hurts me to my core.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 2:38 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

hatefulnow posted 10/19/2020 03:55 AM


I'm kinda late to this thread. Sorry you're still going through this.

As I understand your wife had an affair with a married Colonel decades ago.

You found out and it ended because he dumped her.

You choked down your feelings because you loved (love) this woman and wanted to protect your family.

You thought this was way back in the rear view mirror, then 5 years ago she prepares a birthday card for him, written in her own hand. Never sent, but all you have is her word that she wouldn't have sent it and that she hasn't been in periodic contact with him before or since.

Also, like most players, when he's done, he's done. On to the next conquest. Lather, rinse, repeat.

However, she behaves like an 'Alpha Widow'...a woman who was with what was in her mind an Alpha male and, although she doesn't mean a thing to him, still pines for him.

You've gotten no closure or assurances from her and she never discussed the affair even after all these years.

Am I right?

Okay, I get you don't want to divorce. It's expensive and painful and, even when the parties agree on things, you give up half or more of everything you've worked for.

You have no debt and the courts and lawyers would be licking their chops at all your assets. I totally get it.

But my question is:

Has she ever faced any consequences?

You may have answered this and I'm sorry for being repititious. You never told your kids or your congregation about what happened so she never faced the music.

I'd advise you consider telling the kids and maybe some close family and friends...WITHOUT WARNING HER.

I get the early stages when your kids were young, but they're grown now. You'd only be protecting them from the truth...at your continued expense.

I feel the only reason she still pines, despite what your couselor says about her 'hating' him, is that it never smacked her in the face. She always had you shielding her and was confident in her position.

In the early stages, did you fear she would leave you for him or just divorce you? I don't think that's a concern now. I think she's very reputation-conscious and, once exposed, will move heaven and earth to get her 'good-girl' credentials back. Hopefully, this would mean she'd be open, honest and show true remorse and empathy.

Besides, she'd have more to lose in a divorce than you anyway. Would she be able to live the lifestyle you have now without you? Even if you had to pay alimony the financial drain would cause a serious hit on both your lifestyles. I don't think divorce would be an option for her, even if she was otherwise all for it.

You're only 70 years old. Worst case scenario, if you are in fairly good shape and are otherwise heathy there are lots of women (younger) who'd show you an interest with whom you could spend your time and your wife knows it. (Women talk) I doubt she, at her age has the same options.

So, no. She won't leave and I think she'll finally put her efforts and emotions where they should have been all along.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world.

If she tries that religions stuff again, hit her with this verse:

Matthew 18:15-18

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Good luck!

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 4:02 AM, October 19th (Monday)]

Anna123 posted 10/19/2020 07:16 AM

Worst case scenario, if you are in fairly good shape and are otherwise heathy there are lots of women (younger)

Be careful with the younger part. Consider why a younger woman would want to be involved with an older man. Not good for the older man unless it's just sexual. There ARE plenty of wonderful women around his age though.

I don't think he is interested in this worse case from the sounds of it anyhow.

longsadstory1952 posted 10/19/2020 09:56 AM

If you mark up her Bible in red you are sure to get a rise out of her. Then what? Another heated argument? What has been solved?

hatefulnow posted 10/19/2020 21:32 PM


Well, I think it's always a bad idea to rush from one relationship into another, especially a long term one like his marriage. But dating and sex with a younger woman, and I mean in her 50's or even late 40's, just casual, would be a tremendous ego boost for his self esteem. He'll be able to play the field a bit. Why not?

But I don't think he'll have to go that route.

Niceguy's wife never really had to face any real consequences. She got to have her fun, stay married to an honorable man who loves her and would protect her and provide for her, never had to face what she did (rug-sweeping), didn't lose community standing, etc. If she looks eyeball to eyeball with onsequences now I think she'll fold...fast!

Niceguy25 posted 10/25/2020 19:30 PM

I truly appreciate all of you and your insight, experiences, and advise. I’ve thought often about telling my story and exposing her deception bot then I realize “that’s not who I am.” I hope Um a better person and “taking the high road.”Ultimately we will all answer before God for our sins. As Pope Francis sis if “Who am I to judge?” I hate what she has done to “us” and our marriage vows. I do still love the woman I married, not the one who cheated and lied. Her failure is not my failures. Her sins are not my sins. Her behavior is hers to bear.

Thumos posted 10/25/2020 19:37 PM

I do still love the woman I married, not the one who cheated and lied.

Unless she has a split personality — which is exceedingly rare if even a real thing — these aren’t different people. It’s the same woman, an adult.

WilliamM posted 10/25/2020 19:53 PM

What does she say the notations mean? What reason does she give for not using the new Bible?

Niceguy25 posted 10/27/2020 04:03 AM

William M, all she tells m is that I’m off base and they don’t m an “what I think they mean.” She would like me to think she’s praying for him to find God, to redeem himself, and friends r her t save him. I say BS. They are all reminders of forbidden love and misplaced passion.

sisoon posted 10/27/2020 09:18 AM

And IMO praying for him is breaking NC....

DIFM posted 10/27/2020 09:58 AM

People that cheat, and especially those that cheat and still inflict trauma post cheat, particularly in their disillusion of feigned remorse and empathy, are simply fucked up. My apologies to those cheaters that take offense to the judgmental name-calling that is directed towards their fucked-up-ed-ness.

I believe the fWW, in this case, is firmly rooted in said state of feigned remorse. Heaven help her suffering BS.

[This message edited by DIFM at 10:01 AM, October 27th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

somanyyears posted 10/27/2020 14:59 PM

.."their fucked-up-ed-ness" ..I love it!!!

..crib notes in the margins of their A..???

Did she also throw in some 'Smiley Faces'?? like this

@ niceguy25, Sorry for your pain..

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:00 PM, October 27th (Tuesday)]

Niceguy25 posted 10/28/2020 23:41 PM

So many years...no smiley faces but several little Daisys she used to cover up his initials she wrote backwards. Instead of DCB, she wrote BCD. WHEN I saw that as cover up I challenged it and they suddenly became Daisys.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 2:47 AM, October 29th (Thursday)]

Thumos posted 10/29/2020 11:10 AM

Now I'm actually quite concerned for the status of your wife's eternal soul and I'm not kidding. God will not be mocked.

Niceguy25 posted 11/20/2020 12:41 PM

I everyday she appears pious, focused on her faith and the well being of others. She has the new Bible now so time will tell if there are any thoughts or prayers for him.

Thumos posted 11/20/2020 12:45 PM

Everyday she appears pious

For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness.

WalkingHome posted 11/20/2020 13:49 PM

everyday she appears pious, focused on her faith and the well being of others. She has the new Bible now so time will tell if there are any thoughts or prayers for him.

This means absolutely nothing.

The most dishonest and horrible people I have ever met were "christian" and attended church regularly. In business, I have a close to 100% scam rate with businesses that put religion in their business model..."I am a christian and a homebuilder"...cheats, lies, steals...

I have long suspected that people try to camoflage their bad actions and beliefs by churching up their life and appearing to be Christian.

This isn't to disparage Christiainity as I believe...but the modern church is full of people that are not walking the walk.

Your WW may sit in the seats, say the words, and hold the book...but I question her walk.

Thumos posted 11/20/2020 13:53 PM

I have long suspected that people try to camoflage their bad actions and beliefs by churching up their life and appearing to be Christian.

I agree and I am a believing Christian.

Gandhi said “ I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

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