Niceguy25 posted 8/19/2020 10:46 AM

During my wife’s affair, she noted over 30 times in her Bible, verses that she read and then attributed to her AP. Prayers for him, verses that reflected their love, their sin, their passion, their future, their secret life. The affair ended when he tossed her aside and we began reconciliation. I’ve read them all and asked her multiple times to blot them out or pitch the Bible and buy a new one. It’s still here and she still uses it daily. How do I get her to understand what I feel each time she turns a page, and there’s a reminder of their deception? I don’t think she gets it, or she treasures those memories.

DIFM posted 8/19/2020 11:05 AM

Do you mean that she specifically refers to him in her notes on the pages?

landclark posted 8/19/2020 11:54 AM

If she made notes about him in the Bible, then it has to go. Not sure why that would be so hard for her to grasp.

Anna123 posted 8/19/2020 11:55 AM

Not acceptable. Ughh. Mine had a book that OW gave him, sitting out. Didn't get rid of it. Never did. Sorry to say this but I think it's a bad sign if she is not listening to you on this when you have made your feelings known and it is so connected to the OM.

Sidebar: How is she going to see how this affects you when she doesn't even see the utter disconnect of whoring around with at least two of the main commandments AND taking notes about it in her bible at the same time. And now seeing these notes knowing what she had done when she wrote them and is supposedly repairing the damages in the marriage caused by it. Holy moly. Sorry to be so blunt.

You are right to be hurt by this. Take care. Maybe someone can give you better advice on how to handle this at this point because that would pretty much be a deal breaker for me if she wasn't rushing to accommodate you on this.

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 8/19/2020 12:31 PM

Fire would fix it. It has to go, she can get a new one.

36yearsgone posted 8/19/2020 12:31 PM

Open her Bible and add her name (and maybe his) in the margin next to Exodus 20:14 ("You shall not commit adultery.")

hikingout posted 8/19/2020 12:50 PM

Ugh. I do not understand at all why SHE would want that as a reminder. A reminder of adultery in her bible?

Let me give you an example of something from my situation. When the A was over and I confessed, I wanted rid of all the clothes I wore during the time. I couldn't listen to certain music, and still can not. It makes me feel gross. I got rid of all sorts of things. Recently, I was cleaning out my closet and drawers and found something from that time period and it disturbed me so much that I started shaking. Of course I got rid of that too, but a person who is remorseful over their behavior loathes things that remind them of who they were during that time. Nope, nope, nope. You shouldn't even have to ask her to get rid of it, she should feel disgusted looking at it.

Cooley2here posted 8/19/2020 12:59 PM

She actually wrote in her bible that it was ok to screw around!!?!? That’s a new one.
It’s called The Holy Bible and she desecrated it. Not much about it holy after that.
I think you need to find a life you enjoy. It doesn’t mean leaving physically, just emotionally.

Booyah posted 8/19/2020 14:04 PM

WOW.....just WOW!!!

Pathetic that she was using the Bible to sing her praises about an affair partner and after being busted she still has the Bible with all her demonic behavior highlighted.

This woman has NO idea who Christ is.

Why are you with this woman? Seriously?

Chaos posted 8/19/2020 14:27 PM

IMHO - That Bible is a form of contact. She's using it as a mental/spiritual connection with her AP.

Even if she claims she's using the reminders as some type of self flagellation I'd be reluctant to believe it and it would still have to go.

Bad or good that Bible is a connection to AP [that was absolutely disgusting to write]

The BS in me is screaming to her "how dare you use the Bible as a form of manipulation"

crazyblindsided posted 8/19/2020 14:30 PM

If it were me? I'd take it and throw it out and when she asks where it is explain that it has been a trigger for you and that you have asked for it to be removed. Since your feelings weren't taken into consideration you decided to get rid of the trigger yourself. Let her buy a new one.

hikingout posted 8/19/2020 14:36 PM

IMHO - That Bible is a form of contact. She's using it as a mental/spiritual connection with her AP.
Even if she claims she's using the reminders as some type of self flagellation I'd be reluctant to believe it and it would still have to go.

100%. Someone who feels humiliated by their behavior does not want connection or contact mentally with the AP- the person they committed this disgusting behavior with. This should be repulsive to her this many years out.

taken4granted posted 8/19/2020 14:54 PM

So, I just picked my jaw up off the floor. I thought it was bad that my ex used to send his AP lines from hymns that we sang at church or that he blamed the pastor for his affair. But this is a whole new level of WOW....

I want to share something I heard recently. The reason that when we take communion the liturgy says, on the night that Jesus was betrayed instead of the last super or the night Jesus was arrested is because even in biblical times, the most grievous thing someone could do to another is betray them. That's what your wife did and she has no understanding of it.

I'm not sure she ever will understand what she did. I'm very sorry. I can't even imagine how painful that would be to see in her bible. Just know, we understand.

StillLivin posted 8/19/2020 15:08 PM

You give her an ultimatum. Either she hands it over to you immediately for you to dispose of, or she packs her shit. Simple.
ETA: personally I would have already procured it and burned it, but I'm a bitch like that.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 3:09 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 8/19/2020 15:09 PM

Wow this is sick, sick, sick. She is practicing an abomination in the sight of God.

She should have gotten rid of this without being told, but the fact that you've already brought it up makes it a horrible violation.

This is what another poster BTFG wisely refers to as a horcrux of the affair. It is an object that is in some sense loaded with the sinful spiritual power of her affair. It drains energy and life from you whenever your see it.

Ironically it also contains verses like Proverbs 30:20 inside of it.

Look up Proverbs 30:20. That's your wife.

So what are you going to do with your life? I don't care if you're 70 now. You've still got the rest of your life to live. Are you going to live with this disrespectful creature who willfully dishonors God?

My inner monologue lately has been the dark humor line, "The beatings will continue until the morale improves." My mind seems to be bringing this up as a strong reminder that in my own personal case I need to move forward with divorce and not slack off just because the "to do" list on D is overwhelming.

But in your case, I'll use the same line: "The beatings will continue until the morale improves."

No one will be your advocate for you what's best for you other than YOURSELF.

No one else.

So what are you doing to be your own best advocate? Letting that Bible sit there is certainly not being your own best advocate. Is staying with your wife?

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:13 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

Robert22205https posted 8/19/2020 15:26 PM

I've read and responded to your other posts. I'm sorry you're still struggling with your wife's behavior.

IMO the birthday card, saving his photo, and the bible is evidence that your wife still has positive feelings for how the OM made her feel (vs him in particular). IMO there was never anything special about the OM (he was just convenient).

I also don't believe she is remorseful (she just regrets you finding out).

In addition, it's evidence that she lacks empathy for how this makes you feel; and from your previous posts, her guilt & shame are not a constraint on her behavior because she knows she will be forgiven.

I suggest you ask your wife how she believes the notations in the bible as well as her other souvenirs makes you feel.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:28 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 8/19/2020 15:41 PM

I'm jumping back in. You've already explained how you feel and she has ignored you. Do you really think she respects you? You've already stated you were plan B. He dumped HER and you were second choice by default, but now this disrespect! Why stay with someone who obviously doesn't love or respect you. Every time I've started a new relationship, I automatically got rid of anything from a previous relationship. And this was in relationships that involved zero cheating, it's just respect.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 3:42 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]

ramius posted 8/19/2020 15:46 PM

It’s called narcissistic solipsism.

messyleslie posted 8/19/2020 18:26 PM

I would just pitch it. If she had a problem with that then she can leave. I threw away clothes he wore when seeing her, new stuff he bought, shampoo and lotions he took from the hotel they stayed at, etc. I never once asked. I never even rode in his car again.

steadychevy posted 8/19/2020 18:41 PM

How do you get her to understand? File. Have her served. If asked why say "look it up in your bible. It's in your notes."