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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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Tallgirl posted 8/7/2020 16:47 PM

Way to go Hedwig, glad you are feeling better. You too OOL. Put it on repeat.

LadyG posted 8/8/2020 19:58 PM

My STBXWH is so predictable.

2am, WTF! He canít sleep, wants to talk.

10am, WH is just getting up, he didnít sleep at all, he thinks.


The longer I enforce NC, the less I want to hear his voice or see his face.

20yrsagoBS posted 8/10/2020 14:08 PM

Stay NC LadyG. It helps YOU.

Your WH can lump it

Outoflove2020 posted 8/11/2020 20:35 PM

Good evening womenz on this fine Tuesday evening.

Checking in to see how everyone is doing? My day has been a rollercoaster, from being triggered beyond belief this morning by a song, to right now where I'm feeling like I can take on the goddamn world and that I am so much better off without the cheating SOB.

I have been fixating on the fact that DDay was mid January and that 7 months out, I still don't feel "better". Beating myself up over it. In fact, while DDay was 7 months ago, I really only decided that I was done with the back and forth, the "oh, I'm working on myself, this is just a chapter in our book, our book isn't over", the "We will be together, I love you", the fact that he wouldn't stop talking to the AP....I only finally found my self-esteem and walked away from that at the end of June. So really, in terms of being able to draw a line under it and move on, it's been a couple of months, not 7 months. (thanks to Ellie for really reinforcing this for me). Those couple of months have been completely NC.

So, I'm going to be more compassionate to myself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's ok if I'm crying my eyes out due to a stupid song. Those times will reduce. I just have to accept the feelings, let them pass and then move on to the next thing of the day.

This place has been such a great source of support for me when I've been at the low points of the curve, that I wanted to come on here when I'm a bit higher than the low point and share my love and support for all of you womenz on here who might be having a tough day, a tough evening, a tough week. This shit sucks. But we can get through it.

Chaos posted 8/12/2020 13:19 PM

Much to catch up on - but I am back from a very much needed and glorious vacation.

20yrsagoBS posted 8/12/2020 16:35 PM


Every time something happens, it resets the clock.

In essence, youíre not even a month out.


We get it

EllieKMAS posted 8/12/2020 17:28 PM

So, I'm going to be more compassionate to myself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's ok if I'm crying my eyes out due to a stupid song. Those times will reduce. I just have to accept the feelings, let them pass and then move on to the next thing of the day.
OOL this is really hard to do... man I get it. Plus I am impatient as all get out so I want it fixed RIGHT NOW dammit

But these things WILL reduce over time. They will get better. You will have good days. It just takes time and patience.

Chaos posted 8/13/2020 09:34 AM

OOL honey, be gentle with yourself. Feel the feels, process them, then get up and keep going. Day by day, hour by hour, second by second.

Outoflove2020 posted 8/13/2020 09:48 AM

As always, thanks for the support.

I went to an online BAN group last night for my local area and found it EXTREMELY therapeutic. Talking about it IRL (well, as much as we can right now) with folks who have been through it was just....so helpful. Don't get me wrong, my friends and family have been amazing, but unless they've been through infidelity, they just don't fully get it.

What was extremely validating for me is that a couple of the folks on there commented on how strong I am being, and how envious they are of me that I've been able to draw my boundaries and value myself enough to work away from a disrespectful situation. It made me look at my situation through a different lens. I saw myself through their eyes and, well, maybe I'm doing as badly as I thought!

Without going into details, two of the folks on there are in situations which sound so awful and untenable to me, but I understand why they are in them. A lot of the lessons I've learned here were whizzing through my mind so I - gently - tried to help them get to think about what it is they actually want, and are they willing to lose their relationships to get it. I've actually connected with one of the women that I met there offline, as I think she could do with a friend, so hopefully we can support each other.

It's rainy and gloomy here today, which impacts my mood, so I'm trying to focus on work, making plans for the weekend and doing some meditation. The Insight Timer app is phenomenal, I'm so glad I got it (following a recommendation on here).

How is everyone else doing? @Chaos, I hope you had a GREAT vacation!

DaisyAnne posted 8/13/2020 10:27 AM

So, I'm going to be more compassionate to myself. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's ok if I'm crying my eyes out due to a stupid song. Those times will reduce. I just have to accept the feelings, let them pass and then move on to the next thing of the day.

Yes!! Iíve been telling myself this as well. As we were working out this morning together, Bryan Adams song ďRun to YouĒ came on (its about him cheating on his good wife) and it took so much for me not to cry. Iím proud of myself for not just skipping the song, but letting it play and getting through it. He had no idea of course. Iím sure he never really listened to the lyrics and he was so focused on his workout. It did make me push extra hard with my reps/exercise.

This week has been a bit extra emotional for me. Tomorrow I go for my yearly Pap smear and pray that everything ok, hoping my HPV is gone. Each night this week I cry a little as he holds me. He understand what it is symbolizes along with the fear of my heath. He offered to go with me but they are not allowing anyone besides the patient.

Anyway, I could use all your good thoughts tomorrow!

gmc94 posted 8/14/2020 01:17 AM

OOL - jealous you have a BAN group in your area! And glad you are enjoying Insight Timer (I have a favorite meditation or two that always get me feeling good).

I still don''t feel "better". Beating myself up over it
I struggle with this as well, and compassion IS key.

If you are up for a non fiction read, I highly recommend "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bassel Van der Kolk. I got it on audiobook from my library, and have since bought more than one copy :) It's all about trauma, how it changes our thinking, feelings, neural pathways, and even our CELLS. IOW, why and how trauma is such a bitch.

I mention it bc that book woke me up to trauma response and helped me see my lack of focus, lack of emotional control (which was really bad for a really long time), ruminating/obsessive thoughts, inability to stop the mind movies, etc etc were common responses to any trauma. I think many BS struggle with the concept that they've actually been TRAUMATIZED - I sure did. When I first was told I had PTSD I really didn't believe it. I'm too smart, too tough, too in control to have THAT! And if I do, then I'll just work super hard to make it go away. I was wrong. And in a weird way, for me it felt there was something about accepting that I'd been traumatized, that what was going on really was PTSD, that helped lessen some of the worst symptoms.

As to compassion, If your BFF was a combat veteran that got antsy whenever they got into a large truck, would you tell them to "get over it" or would you hold their hand?

Rick Hanson's "Resilient" also has a lot of tools for trauma healing - it's just not "about" trauma, per se.

And another thing - like trauma, grief is also a BITCH. Ending a relationship is a death - and death is something we humans grieve. We may cycle through the phases and then be able to let a lot go. Or we may cycle back around and through some phases again (bargaining took me several rounds). Time helps a lot.... and there's not a clock running on any of this.


Outoflove2020 posted 8/14/2020 09:33 AM

@DaisyAnne - hope everything goes well for you today.

@gmc - Thanks for the feedback and sharing some of your journey. Insight Timer is my favourite thing at the moment. I attended a live stream last night with a yoga nidra practice, and I swear I had the best night's sleep - more so than in recent days anyway. I'm also doing a couple of their courses - the one on trauma, and the one on overeating in particular, both of which I'm getting a lot out of.

I also had a night FULL of dreams about my ex and his AP - been dreaming about them a lot recently, I really think my brain is finally starting to process this shit. There was a LOT going on in it (took me 5 pages of journalling to get all the details out) but in part of my dream, I confronted the AP in public and took a sadistic pleasure in telling everyone around us and all her friends. In my dream, she looked quite glamourous (I have seen photos of her on FB and in my dream she was the best physical version of herself based on those images) but quite pathetic in her response (but I love him, you don't know how it feels, I can't leave my husband, I didn't mean to do anything wrong, we can't help ourselves, yadda yadda yadda). Surprisingly, I woke up feeling the most refreshed I have in AGES.

Re the books, I actually have both of them on my Kindle following recommendations here, but I haven't delved into them yet. I've been focusing on trying to meditate every day and also trying to categorise my thoughts / feelings, interrogate them and then either facing them or replacing them. I am finding it's helping. I actually had a non-infidelity item come up last night that caused me great anxiety, right before bed (I was catastrophizing about a work thing) and used the new tools I have to calm myself down so I could sleep. That was like a light bulb for me, I've NEVER been able to do that before.

I will definitely read the books though, they've been recommended so much on here that I have no doubt how useful they will be.

As to compassion, If your BFF was a combat veteran that got antsy whenever they got into a large truck, would you tell them to "get over it" or would you hold their hand?
This. I've been trying to reframe things as saying to myself "what would you say to your BFF in this situation?" and that has been helping A LOT. It's also made me realise just how unkind to myself I am in my own thoughts. Thanks as always for your thoughts, much appreciated.

How is everyone's Friday?

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 10:49 AM, August 14th, 2020 (Friday)]

EllieKMAS posted 8/14/2020 13:37 PM

I dunno bout anyone else, but this week has just sucked. I'm over it.

I know it probably nervousness about turning in my notice next week, but I have just lost all motivation for work. Like... I have things to do and am having to mentally kick the shit out of myself to do them. Ditto for house work. Wednesday I only had to bring the trash out, make the bed, and unload the dishwasher and I just could. not. do. it.

Does this happen to anyone else? Welcoming any advice.

crazyblindsided posted 8/14/2020 13:48 PM

EllieKMAS this happens quite often with me so when I get that burst of energy again I try to get as much done as I can so when the next low hits I ride it out. For me it's always the dishes or I'll just lay on the couch all day. I think sometimes we have to honor what our bodies and mind are telling us when we are going through tough times.

Outoflove2020 posted 8/14/2020 14:11 PM


Yes, it happens a lot. I think that with the infidelity, the pandemic, the trauma, the working from home, the everything....its bound to hit us as some point. I think it's PERFECTLY normal.

I used to be the person who got up early, made sure I had time to shower, eat etc before work - now, I get up about 20 mins before I need to, and do the rest of those things during the day. I've also been known to bring my laptop and sit with it in front of my TV instead of my desk, and watch TV while mindlessly keeping an eye on work.

The only time I get worried is if it happens for more than a few days in a row. Then I have to forcibly shake myself out of it and put some structure in my day.

I know I keep raving about it, but the two apps I'm using are definitely helping me. I'm an organizer, and so having "list" of things to do for my mental health to check off makes me more likely to do them. I'm also fully accepting that those things DO help me, so that makes me more inclined to do them.

Don't beat yourself up, I think it's perfectly normal, and if you need some time to just veg and do nothing, then do it. As CBS says, sometimes you just need to listen to what your mind and body is telling you, and if they say "meh, can't be bothered today", so be it.

EllieKMAS posted 8/14/2020 15:30 PM

LOL unfortunately my bills don't care if my body needs rest. Sigh. Adulting - Some real bullshit, zero stars, do not recommend!

I have been at least trying to keep as close to a schedule as I can during all this. And forcing myself to put on real clothes every day (tho no bra cus fuck that shit).

I think this week... I have not made my bed on time and it has thrown off the emperor's groove all fucking week. Seems silly, but it's true.

Chaos posted 8/15/2020 13:12 PM

Ellie I hear you. I'm all meh and blah this week. I attribute it to this is my 1st week post amazing VaKay and figure part of it is Happiness Hangover.

I've also noticed it ebbs and flows. I am learning to go with it. And that my brain needs a down day too sometimes. Regular life, bills, state of the world and being a BS on top of it all too much sometimes. I am learning not to feel guilty of taking that down time.

And I hear that no bra thing. Although [due to being a 36DDD] a bralette is my equivalent of braless. And since I'm on beach mode sometimes I don't wear a shirt over one. It embarrasses the teen but she's seldom home

LadyG posted 8/16/2020 03:58 AM

Itís been a hard week indeed.

I managed to fight through it till Thursday night but by Friday I was done. My son dropped in Friday and I couldnít wait for him to leave. I hadnít slept and was barely functioning.

My WH was love bombing all week until I reminded him of NC.

So I havenít slept 4 nights in a row. I managed to walk with my dog until yesterday but today we have been in bed most of the day trying to catch up on sleep.

I need Valium and red wine to knock me out for at least 8 hours. At times today I felt that I would die if I didnít get sleep. My mind just will not switch off. I donít have any meds I am seriously considering calling my Doctor and begging for a home visit. We have serious COVID restrictions and I am in no condition to drive.

Wish me luck and pray for sleep tonight 🙏🏼

NorthernMSB posted 8/16/2020 11:34 AM

This week sucked.

Found out on Friday my Dad's cancer has spread aggressively and he has about 2 months to live, 2 horrific pain filled months left. I take care of him here at home, actually just had to suit up and clean the ENTIRE bathroom, he "didn't make it." I threw out everything not bolted to the walls. he even managed to get diarrhea on the toothbrushes in the holder and toothpaste, WTF?

That has been my week. I am trying to meet some truly aggressive deadlines today and cannot seem to work well...hence reading here on SI. Do you find sometimes reading and writing on here makes things a bit worse at home? I find my mood will shift to hostile towards my WH, even if things are okay. makes me think about the betrayal and pain. Oh well.

Tomorrow is a new week.

And Tallgirl, damn, I concur! You have a new pair of bitch boots, they are stunningly attractive!

20yrsagoBS posted 8/16/2020 12:20 PM

Northern (Hugs)

Womenz, what would your dream bitch boots look like? As in, if you could have an actual physical pair of them?

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