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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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Chaos posted 7/16/2020 10:31 AM

Ellie do tell of these glorious polishes.

Since DDays I have started taking much needed me time. Trust me ladies - there is NOTHING like a 2 hour Target trip going up and down every freaking isle sipping a very large coffee. Sometimes I don't even take a cart - better on the budget. But some times....hey they make those cart coffee cup holders for a reason

Hedwig posted 7/16/2020 10:32 AM

TX1995, I did not have any desire to date someone new while in (false) R and for the first couple of weeks after my break-up I side-eyed all men and almost gagged thinking about going on dates again. Going through that whole anxiety-inducing process just to get hurt again. But now, a couple months later, I still don't want to date but more from a place of peace instead of revulsion. Like Ellie said: starfish sleeping and whatever the fuck you want for dinner.

I do get the feeling of wanting someone "fresh" though, someone without this ugly history they gave you. Clean slate. Pure relationship.

Tallgirl, yass, hunny, go on those dates, report back please!

LadyG, hahaa I can totally relate to ex looking awful. Mine looked like shit last time I saw him, gained a lot of weight, hair was way too long, eyes looked puffy and his overall appearance was blegh. Serves them right.

20yrsagoBS, I don't know your background story, but your 5y exit plan sounds good! Why limbo, tho? The 5y plan Sounds like separatipn

EllieKMAS posted 7/16/2020 10:46 AM

Chaos it's the new OPI 'Muse of Milan' collection... *excited toddler hands* I've never ordered a whole collection before, but decided wth, it's mah birfday - Biiiiiisssshhh treat yo self!

I might have a problem with nail polish. Maybe just a bit

ETA - I am really NOT feelin it today. I do not wish to adult any further for the week. If you need me, I shall be located in my blanket fort with a box of wine.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 10:48 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Chili posted 7/16/2020 11:06 AM

Hey there all you gorgeous strong and lovely ladies! I've been reading this thread off and on to see how everyone is doing. Sending all good things to all here. Noobs and the old-timers alike.

Couple of t/j and random thoughts:

TG: I've been searching in D/S for a clear update to your situation. Where are things with you these days? Are you officially divorced? I noted he's still lurking around in the yard doing random things. What is it with this guy and yard work? I can't imagine that feels good at all. Must feel like a Big Foot sighting.

Hedwig:

the first couple of weeks after my break-up I side-eyed all men and almost gagged thinking about going on dates again

Yeah - I remember a guy flirting with me in the produce aisle and I wanted to bash his face in. Gagging and puking and physical assault are probably not positive signs for putting yourself in the dating pool.

As per *those* threads, I often wonder if they stand in as a proxy for IC for several of the same posters who always emerge - often leaving the original OP in their wake. Nothing wrong with it, but just an observation. Usually when I get stuck on something big I go pay my IC to dissect it with me. Which I'm doing this week.

I've been making notes about those issues I'm sure are exacerbated for a lot of us during these strange virus (or vidus as my Brazilian friend calls it - much scarier sounding) days. I'm tossing around ideas of alone-ness, resilience, connections and posses, finding companionship and needs outside of a "relationship", bitch boots and independent boots both, aging, framing your future and some other shit. If I ever get it unmuddied and it's somewhat useful, I'll let y'all know.

I'm not usually an inspirational office poster type (like at all). But I started to wear a little necklace with an engraved Emerson quote:

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
I don't exactly know what that means, but it sounded good.

to all.

EllieKMAS posted 7/16/2020 11:13 AM

I'm tossing around ideas of alone-ness, resilience, connections and posses, finding companionship and needs outside of a "relationship", bitch boots and independent boots both, aging, framing your future and some other shit.
Prefacing this with I would NEVER want a pandemic to happen. But...

My D was final in December. And fucked up as it may be, I feel like it was such a gift for me from the universe to put the world on pause this year. It has been nice to just have time to be and breathe and revel in being by myself. In so many little ways almost every single day, I am thankful to be free of him and all the drama and bullshit he heaped into my life. And that was even before he put his dick into an 18 year old!

I have always leaned more introverted too, so this whole "stay at home in your jammies with no bra on" thing? Yeah... I can totally get on board with that shit

What is everyone doing this weekend?

Chaos posted 7/16/2020 11:16 AM

OK Ellie - that does look amazing. IF it makes you happy you do it. Paint each nail a different color.

Adulting sucks. Let me know what color blanket so I know which one to slip the box of chocolates under.

No plans this weekend BUT am only 2 weeks and 2 days away from my upcoming family beach vacation. Just me, WH, teen and her BFF. The sun, the sand, the waves and the shells.

Outoflove2020 posted 7/16/2020 11:58 AM

@Ellie - Happy Birthday, you deserve to enjoy it anyway you like!

@Hedwig - The thought of putting myself out there again makes me physically want to puke. At this point in time I can't EVER imagine wanting to do that again. It was 15 years of singledom for me between my two serious relationships.....both of which ended in infidelity. Not sure I'm willing to risk my heart that way again

@Chili, @Chaos - always very much appreciate your feedback and input on this forum.

I'm at my parents house at the moment in my home country. It's exactly six months since my world fell apart. So glad I am here though and not back in the US in my flat on my own, even though my reasons for being here are sad. I've been okay for a few days, but today I feel really low. I'm missing him a lot today. My dad and his siblings are making all the funeral arrangements for next week for my Nanna and it just feels really weird not sharing all that with him.

I do feel better than I did a few weeks ago, and I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is definitely helping being surrounded by my family who love me unconditionally (even if they can get a little annoying!) But I still have that feeling of loneliness. I still think about the life I thought I was going to have. I'm worried about sinking back into despair once I eventually do head back across the pond. There is also a part of me that can't believe he hasn't reached out to me. I honestly thought he would, think he still might do, how can he not once he realizes what an ass he is and how our relationship was actually pretty special. This is officially the longest I have gone without communicating with him. I'm sure that's a part of this feeling of ennui.

Sorry, bit of a brain dump.

Not much going on for me this weekend. I have to self-isolate, so can't really see anyone other than my immediate family. Maybe I'll help my dad out with some gardening. Maybe I will finally do my taxes (my life circumstances have somewhat derailed me so I'm behind). Maybe I'll take a long soak in my parents wonderful tub.

As always, super grateful for you laydeez xxx

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 11:58 AM, July 16th, 2020 (Thursday)]

gmc94 posted 7/16/2020 13:39 PM

I still think about the life I thought I was going to have.
This part of it all sucks. A lot. And I believe Covid has exacerbated that.

I'm down these days. Maybe bc this week I hit month 30 (aka 2.5 yrs) since dday and I'm still here. The few job prospect irons I had in the fire are looking less & less likely, as covid screws with everything. I really don't think this will last forever, but damn! Hanging around another year or more before I can get a job that allows me financial freedom is just daunting. I'm thinking of applying at the grocery store or something just to get me out of the house and bring in a little $$.

There is the constant clusterfuck of trying to remain hopeful in the midst of all this shit. Early on I had a lot of hope and just felt I had to hang on for a few more months. Now, I see that it could be another year or more before I'm in a place to get a job. It's super scary, and hard to find ways to trick my mind back into seeing the potential for a future.

So, I do what I can to just ignore all the ways my WH's thinking is fucked up. Try to appreciate the things he does do well. And try to stay out of the rabbit hole.... which I suppose I've not been very effective at lately.

During year 1 I thought a lot about dating. For the first time in >25 years I'd look at men and think of them as potential romantic partners. I never acted on it. I think it was a way to try and rebuild my confidence. Today, as painful as it is, I am more comfortable thinking about never being romantically involved again. Maybe it would happen. Maybe not. It's just no longer a factor in my thinking like it was before. IOW, the idea that I may be alone for the rest of my life makes no difference in how I think about my M or my WH.

I try to find compassion for him, and any success I get on that front is prolly bc I'm able to vent so much here on SI. I just look at him and all I see is the hustle for his worth. Performing his acts of service like a champion, while avoiding or ignoring everything on the inside. Everything that truly matters to me.

Last week I mentioned that I wonder if I will ever be able to trust another living soul for the rest of my life (yeah, I know. Should never have opened up to him). His first response was to say that he's never trusted anyone. I don't know how the man can think he has built empathy. But that's pretty much the MO around here. I keep my feelings to myself, and every now & again I slip and his response is to immediately make it "about" him.

My DD, despite her stint in suicide therapy, is right back where she was before she jumped out a window in May. I'm trying to navigate some Al-anon w/o the live meetings.

So, that's my sad story for the day.

Tallgirl posted 7/16/2020 14:44 PM

Girls.

I find OLD odd. People will say any random shit that passes through their brain. One person asked me if I would do kinky in the bedroom.

Wtf? I think I should run. Or am I just being immature and too conservative? I would rather have these convos up front. The poor man lives in my home town, he has no idea it would take me 15 minutes to track down his identity.

And another guy told me how beautiful I was. How I seemed like a good person, a rare find. We agree to meet for a coffee. He seemed genuinely nice then he blocked me. I do not get it. I was respectful and appropriately friendly... I would of been perfectly ok with I changed my mind. why do people think that being an asshole online is more ok than in person. I think it is sad that we commoditize ourselves... I was a return 😉

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:45 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Outoflove2020 posted 7/16/2020 18:18 PM

@gmc - I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I can't imagine having to live with my betrayer the way you are, and on top of that to be worried sick about your daughter. You are such a strong person, I don't know how you do it. I am but a stranger on the internet but I am sending you a virtual hug

@Tallgirl - Your description of OLD is precisely why I shudder to ever think of going back there. I met xWBF via an app, about 4 months into me trying it for the first time. I had been single for 15 years, I had NO expectations and was using it as a way to meet people as I'd moved to the US just six months before. I felt that I quickly identified the idiots / losers etc and was so pleased with myself for ditching the flakes, avoiding the kind of men I'd typically picked in the past, and finding a 'good' one. Clearly my picker is still wrong. After what I've just been through, I think I'd rather poke my eye out with a hot poker than try it again. But I can totally understand why people are on it as it is so hard to meet people IRL, especially as you get older. At the very least, you will get some good stories out of it, right?

Had a lovely walk with my Mum this evening. We did 3 miles in the neighborhood. It's light until 10pm here, I always forget how far north we are. We talked about my xWBF some, and it's clear my rose tinted glasses are definitely falling off as most of the things I talked to her about were the negatives - his laziness, his constant need for validation, his need to feel like a 'somebody', his lack of financial management / planning. It still feels disloyal raising and talking about these things, but talking it through shows me that I likely minimized their significance in the moment, because he loved me, I loved him and all was well in the world. How could I have not seen those things for the signs they were?

@Ellie - each time I take what I think of as a next step on the path, it's your voice I hear cheering me on, with your shiny new nail polish!!! I don't think I wanted to feel better because that would mean I don't love him any more. Look at me now, I'm starting to feel better...........

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 6:20 PM, July 16th, 2020 (Thursday)]

Tallgirl posted 7/16/2020 19:00 PM

Oh gmc, I wish I could give you a hug IRL. I am so sorry.

I think both our husbands are a Waste of space with more space where empathy should be. I have to think that there are good people like us ladies out there. There must be.

Your Husband doesnít deserve an amazing woman. I am sorry that circumstance has created such a difficult Living situation for you.

Getting busy is a good thing. However you decide to do it.

Please remind yourself it is temporary. You are a great person. You will make it.

You will be stronger because you already are.

Big hugs.

20yrsagoBS posted 7/17/2020 10:35 AM

Hedwig,

I have my health insurance through Cheaterís time in the military. I would lose it in divorce. I have a blood clotting disorder that makes me difficult to insure

Plus two strokes from that make it even more complicated.


Iím a nurse, working from home.


I think remaining legally married, but live a live apart might be what my goal is

Then I keep my coverage, but donít have to deal with him anymore

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/17/2020 12:53 PM

Happy Friday Ladies!!

I have to travel for work on Monday - any advice on airport travel during Covid would be greatly appreciated! I have goggles, multiple disposable masks so I can toss them after their efficacy is up. Even bought little disposable face scratchers because it never fails that the second I put that mask on, I get an itch somewhere! I've got hand sanitizing wipes as well as a spray bottle of rubbing alcohol. Going to keep my hair up and I'll take a shower as soon as I get to the hotel of course. I usually only bring one set of loungewear that I wear on both flights just to conserve space in my luggage, but this time I won't rewear anything. Any other tips?

And my weekend gift - some inspirational images/quotes! Themes include - trusting yourself, loving yourself, and general Badassery! And your daily dose of Fucks.

EllieKMAS posted 7/17/2020 13:28 PM

(((Gmc)))
I just pray that you can find some peace. You've fucking earned it at this point. I'm so sorry you're stuck in the suck right now. Just keep your chin up and remember that this too shall pass.

OOL, I am glad for you that your soul is finding some comfort at home with your family. And beyond happy for you that those rosy glasses are coming off. It hurts a bit but imho that's when your healing really starts. So proud of you girl!

gmc94 posted 7/17/2020 14:16 PM

HHADL - glad to hear from you (been thinking of you and jobs & Covid)

I've had a couple family members fly in the last month. Sounds like you already got it all covered!

I think the big thing is to spray/wipe all surfaces, esp headrest. Don't use any of the front pockets (apparently they are rife with germs and shouldn't be used even w/o covid).

I'm with you on the rubbing alcohol in spray bottle for surfaces & clothing - doesn't leave the sticky residue - and I have used it on clothing, so far w/o any issues. Don't forget the shoes.

I've read that air travel is back down again, so hopefully your flight won't be too crowded.

And wherever you are going, I hope you have a wonderful time and the germs stay the fuck away.


PS: thanks for all the pics. I love 'em.

gmc94 posted 7/17/2020 14:32 PM

And an update on my sad day.....

This morning, I'm wondering if it's getting a little chilly in hell! During a phone call with WH yesterday, he started talking about two colleagues who came to him with questions that they apparently couldn't figure out on their own. One is a young newbie, who did say she'd tried to find the answer but came up short. The other is a professional equal. His griping included a dose or two of intellectual superiority and judgment/condescension (tho I must admit, somewhat justified as to the professional equal).

Well, last night at dinner my WH, on his own volition, brought it up. Apologized for the griping. Acknowledged the superiority thing. WTH? I THINK I managed to keep a calm demeanor despite about falling out of my chair.

Now, the convo did then turn - on my volition - into boundaries and KISA, etc. Started when he voiced some self blame for not spending enough time training the newbie. And I can understand that aspect, as she did say that she'd tried. So, I can see that part, tho still think the KISA aspect was worth exploring. And as to the "equal", WTF with that? Why were you doing her work for her? What do you get out of that? Can you see how it's hustling for your worth. I got the sense he was hearing me (another surprise!) and felt it went pretty well.

Of course, at this point, I (stupidly) decided to open a 2nd bottle of wine (hadn't had any red for a looonngg time, and the 1st one was really delish, from a very small central coast CA winery that we became members of during a trip more than a decade ago.... but I digress). Anyhow, the extra alcohol was not a good idea, and things did ultimately go downhill. That was really my fault - I get my teeth into something and I just can't let go. So... learning opportunity I guess.

Anyhow, wondering if the folks in hell were wearing sweaters last night, cuz it really was a surprise, on a day that I needed to get out of some stinkin thinkin. Just a single moment of awareness from him helps me lessen the banging my head against the wall. Doesn't make it stop, but instead of 20x/day, today maybe only 10?

TX1995 posted 7/17/2020 15:08 PM

((gmc)) I do like the weather update on hell yesterday. Any moments of humanity in douchewaffle-land are a positive for you being able to live in the situation (and good for your poor head)! I hope you have a peaceful weekend ahead. I hate that COVID has put your plans on hold but I'm going to put faith in the idea that there is a reason that this storm has come at this time - and that there is a silver lining in it for you.

chaos - your upcoming beach trip sounds awesome. we've done the lake once already and are about to head to a different lake next week. Nothing like being in the middle of nature to give our battered souls, hearts and bodies a little pick me up.

hedwig - yes, I don't actually have anyone in mind, but like you said, the idea of "fresh" definitely sounds like heaven.

tallgirl - I think your stories just killed any idea that new romance could be good. I think the idea is nice, but after hearing some of WH's confessions about our friends and their habits and things they've done (the bro-code is dead now and I hear it all...), it makes me think there really is no man left out there who doesn't objectify women and have his penis make most of his decisions. I'm sorry your WH keeps poking around. I hope during his yard work that he runs over an ant bed or two or maybe a hornets nest.

OOL2020 - Family is the best (if you like them that is!) for healing. Nothing beats a hug from mom when you are feeling like shit.

Chili - nice to see you!

I'm tossing around ideas of alone-ness, resilience, connections and posses, finding companionship and needs outside of a "relationship", bitch boots and independent boots both, aging, framing your future and some other shit. If I ever get it unmuddied and it's somewhat useful, I'll let y'all know.

Please do! I've waffled back and forth between thinking and being a zombie during COVID. It's a blessing and a curse to have this weird abnormal time, isn't it?

Ellie - I love you AND the starfish visual. YES! and this...

I do not wish to adult any further for the week. If you need me, I shall be located in my blanket fort with a box of wine.

This is quite likely the best thing I've heard in ages. I love it. I wonder if everyone in my house would leave me alone if I made a fort and hung a sign on the outside that read "Keep out" Wish I lived closer to you. Maybe the WOMENZ should make a tiny house commune somewhere beautiful and go when we want to escape from real life (which at this point in my life would be about 90% of the time!)

HHADL - HI! Glad there is work happening again for you! I have a friend who works for American and she says those planes are cleaner than they've ever been. So hopefully the mandatory mask wearing by others and your precautions will keep you safe and sound!

Plans for the weekend here include kayaking tonight with WH, a close friend and her family over for dinner/pool time tomorrow and some more mask making. I've been leaving the ones I make by the door for delivery people and my stash is running out.

Tallgirl posted 7/17/2020 16:57 PM

HHADL. Great post. Might want to bring a thermometer, just in case.

Gmc. Was that a flash of...Enlightenment? Even if it was momentary. Sorry you are having sad days.

ooL. Glad you can spend some time with your mum. You are doing so well.

Chili. I would love to hear your thoughts and musings. I always learn.

Ellie and chaos. I love your take on the world.

This weekend for me is having my sons friends over. I get to cook and watch them smoke up. And they always bring me the sleepy pot. I am resting this weekend. Will certainly help with my chore monger ex.

Had a lovely afternoon playing with A 5 and 6 year old kids. My kids are so old and smelly now I forgot the joy of innocence. Was amazing.

Hugs to you all. I will toast you with my 4 point vodka raspberry sofa mix tonight. ,!!

As I try to learn to crochet. Lol. That will be bad.

Tallgirl posted 7/17/2020 17:02 PM

I just found a bottle cap in my bra. Ftlog... who does that.

EllieKMAS posted 7/17/2020 17:25 PM

I wonder if everyone in my house would leave me alone if I made a fort and hung a sign on the outside that read "Keep out" Wish I lived closer to you. Maybe the WOMENZ should make a tiny house commune somewhere beautiful and go when we want to escape from real life (which at this point in my life would be about 90% of the time!)
your sign needs to say "Fuck off or you get a SKITD"

Wouldn't a little tiny house commune somewhere in the middle of nowhere be amazing?? No boys, just BASGUs, wine, Mexican food, and hugs. No bras or makeup required, and if you're having a bad day, we'd come in and wrap you in blankies and give you cookies. We could do midnight dances around a campfire and put curses on idiot men... I love this idea!

And I use my bra as storage so I've found random titty stuff all the time

I am spoilin myself... Getting my first pedicure since Feb today ahhhhh. Oh and we would have mani-pedis on demand in Bitch Boot Camp too.

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