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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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Chaos posted 6/24/2020 11:35 AM

GMC - oh honey. Be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry to hear about your DD. I'm not sure what we can do other than listen - so pour it all out here for some Womenz Love. We are good at that. And Womenz Love is some magical shit.

Tallgirl posted 6/24/2020 20:13 PM

((((Gmc))))

If I was there I’d give you a great big hug and hand you a full big glass of wine.

I am very sorry to hear about your DD.

Ellie is right, she is an adult making her own decisions. However bad. Hopefully at some point soon she will start making better ones for herself.

It must be so hard. Big hugs.

LadyG posted 6/24/2020 21:46 PM

Well Womenz,

I am doing it.

A year ago I bought my very first own apartment with much excitement for my future.

I loved the place, but it’s too damn close to exWH and THE GYM he picked up the SLUT.

Happy to announce that I am once again house hunting.

Somewhere further away from the CESSPIT ROID RAGE INFESTED SHITHOLE MY WH CALLS HOME.

My first open house inspection is tonight.

I am looking for a new place where my sons can live with me and feel like a family once again. We need a forever home.

Sunday June 28, 2020
Well the new home hunting ground to a halt very quickly. But I am even more determined to leave this place and the trauma behind. My eldest DS son and I have looked at homes in the countryside with glorious mountain views. I can dream again🙏🏼

[This message edited by LadyG at 12:49 AM, June 28th (Sunday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 6/26/2020 22:10 PM

Sending hugs gmc.

LadyG posted 7/3/2020 07:58 AM

Sometimes I need my decisions reinforced by others.

My DV Counsellor is supporting me but not pushing me to make a decision now.

The Police are also supportive but not pushing me as they all know that I am too fragile.

So STBXWH will be charged with Unlawful Assault on me. I just hope he pleads guilty to avoid a hearing and just accepts whatever punishment the court hands down.

But, the Police are encouraging me to consider more serious charges relating to Rape. Especially those events which occurred after our separation. I have given a statement to Police relating to this but I am still terrified of opening this can of worms which may consume my life for possibly the next few years. I so want Justice. I am just unsure if I can endure a trial.

I don’t know if anyone else here has ever experienced marital rape or any rape by partner or former partner.

I am fully aware that this is a very traumatic topic to discuss. 🙏🏼

Tallgirl posted 7/3/2020 13:02 PM

Lady G,
I am so sorry that you were raped. I can barely type the word.

Go with your gut, what is right? No outcome is better than the other. Do what is right for you?

There is no judgement here. It is about you honey.

All I suggest is to make sure you are safe. I would not spend a moment in the same building with this man again.

Hugs.

20yrsagoBS posted 7/4/2020 23:51 PM

LadyG,


While not the same as marital rape, I was molested by my father from age 5-10.

My mother didn’t believe me, or force him to confess until I was 20. Then, I went to the police to file charges. Statute of Limitations was up. So he didn’t face prison.


Do over? I would have gone straight to the police, pressed for his arrest. Let him go serve time for his crime.

Why? I do love my Father. But he dismisses it so easily now. My mother would have HAD to learn to support the family, instead of relying on him, then playing the Woe is Me card.

I think our whole dynamic would have changed. When people commit wrongdoing to others, they NEED appropriate consequences. No more free rides, wiped slates, second chances. When they don’t experience the full ramifications for what they did, they don’t comprehend the gravity of it.


What your husband did has changed your life.


It’s time for his life to be changed because of it too.


Hugs LadyG. I am sorry you’re going through this

20yrsagoBS posted 7/6/2020 18:50 PM

Hi Women’s!

I wanted to come share some good news with you!

Just before Christmas 2017, I was hospitalized for Altered Mental Status from Septicemia.

He moved my pending paycheck from our joint account to one in solely his name while I was still in the hospital.

Since then, our finances remain separate. Today, after investing in stocks, my brokerage account reached $10,000! I did that all by myself!

He offers to commingle our money from time to time, but I refuse. I have done great on my own.


So something great arose out of that financial infidelity.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/6/2020 20:08 PM

That's amazing 20yrs!!!

Good job, no need to comingle, you seem to be doing just fine on your own!

Hi all.

I'm around, I promise. Have a lot going on so not really responding, but always reading, and always cheering all of you on!

LadyG, I tend to agree with 20yrs, nothing changes without accountability. If I had it to do over again, I would have taken my ex's assaults on me much more seriously.

However I also completely understand the difficulty in actually pursuing this, dealing with a trial etc. Unfortunately with sexual assault and rape, it can be difficult to prove.

I think the idea of speaking my truth via trial was tempting, because I wanted to get the facts out there, but the actual process of a trial isn't necessarily about facts. The defense attorney's job is to get their client off, and they'll do what they need to do to discredit the victim.

It sounds like the police are actually on your side with the rape though. Which could work to your advantage if they were to testify on your behalf.

I know this is a difficult thing to discuss, but would a rape charge/conviction greatly affect his ability to retain employment? And if so, would that affect your own financial stability due to the way income valuations might affect your spousal or child support when negotiating your divorce? I think it might be worth consulting an attorney to see how this might affect you financially. What is the statute of limitations on a rape charge? Could you wait until after your divorce is finalized so that the calculations would be made before a trial?

I'm not a lawyer, these are just things that come to mind when I think of how a trial might affect divorce outcomes. That doesn't have to be the only factor in your decision, but knowledge is power. You can always decide to go ahead with it regardless, the empowerment might be worth more than any settlement ever could be. That's entirely up to you!

Faithhopelove06 posted 7/7/2020 11:41 AM

This is my first post and I am unsure if I am doing this right. I do t understand all of the abbreviations so bear with me.
I have been married for over 14 years and have known him my entire life. 12 years ago he lied to me and told me he was going to a conference. He actually went toVegas and met up with another man that he met online. I found out through digging around on the day he returned. He claimed nothing sexual happened and I didn’t know that he was bisexual. I suspected that he was lying and things started to really suck. A year later we had a physical fight and separated for 3 months and attended counseling. We got back together and things improved. He confirmed my fears just last year about having sexual with this man who he cut all ties to after we separated. We were in the middle of buying a house and I was adamant that we talk about him being faithful and not cheating ever again. He told me that he was on board.
On June 16 I was contacted by a man telling me that my husband was “dating” him for 9 months but broke it off in March because he was afraid I would divorce him and take the kids. I confronted him and after a lot of pushing, he admitted that he did lie to me and did “date” this guy. He claims that they never had anal sex but did have oral. He also tried to have a brief encounter with another man before this around a year ago. I was crushed. He is a fantastic dad and a good provider. I am trying to make this work and he tells me he broke off the relationship with this other man and loves me very much. The problem is that I do not trust him. At all. I am trying to make this work but a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to fall. Thoughts?

[This message edited by Faithhopelove06 at 6:40 AM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 7/7/2020 11:49 AM

Hi there Faith. I am so sorry you had to find SI. Just a small suggestion though - you might consider posting your story in the Just Found Out forum. You will get a lot more and quicker responses on there. The womenz thread kind of ebbs and flows with activity so you might not get a whole lot of response on here right away.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/7/2020 12:08 PM

Hi Faithhopelove!

First off, sorry you had reason to come here, but you will find great support!

You may want to copy and paste the text you just posted, and create a new post in the Just Found Out forum. It's ok that you haven't literally just found out, it's just that this is a protected forum so that WS (wayward spouses) aren't allowed to post there. You'll get a lot of responses from various people there, and you'll even have the option to be sent an email notification when people reply.

If you're willing and feel comfortable getting responses from former waywards, you could post this same post in General instead.

No matter where you post, a lot of people will probably start asking you questions to get a broader picture of what you're dealing with. I'll start you off with a few that maybe you could answer in your initial post over there.

1. How many kids and what ages? Many people will say that this doesn't matter, but I know divorce weighs on those of us with kids heavily, especially when they are younger. Also, do the kids know/suspect anything?

2. Have you consulted a lawyer re: what divorce might look like for you? Consulting a lawyer doesn't mean you have to go through with a divorce, but it will give you a clearer picture on what to expect, what type of support you might get, if it would be feasible to stay in the house, etc. Best to consult several so you can get multiple opinions and points of view, with the bonus that any lawyer you consult with won't be able to take your husband's case due to conflict of interest. Knowledge is power!

3. Other than lip service, what has your husband been doing to prove that he is a safe and trustworthy partner to you? He has proven to be a liar, so it's understandable that you wouldn't trust any words coming out of his mouth right now. Actions over words!

Has he offered up transparency of all communication? This would look like allowing you to see all emails, social media, computer search histories etc. as well as go through his phone to see any and all messages, search histories, app usage etc. If he has deleted anything, there is phone recovery software you can download to try to recover some of it, however I know members here have used it to varying degrees of success, there are no guarantees.

Has he provided you with a timeline of all affairs, all forms of stepping out on your marriage? This should include dates to the best of his ability, which partner, which sex acts (if that is information you want to know, you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube on that one), as well as any types of communication. Were they texting on such and such day? What did they text each other? Did they used secretive apps meant for hiding communications? If so, which ones, and on what days. Many, many cheaters try to minimize and deny, many of them will hit you with TT (trickle truth), so getting them to write down as detailed of a timeline as they can is paramount. The further out you get from the infidelity, the more difficult it might be to remember the details, but it shouldn't matter, they should be doing everything they can to try to piece it together for you!

Has he gotten into IC (individual counseling, otherwise known as therapy) to work out why he chose to do this? Bisexual people are not less capable of commitment, so his attraction to men is simply not a real factor here. There are plenty of bisexual people in loving, committed relationships who do not cheat. It is on him to figure out why he chose cheating over talking to you, or even asking for a divorce.

Has he sent a NC (no contact) letter to any/all of his APs (affair partners)?

Has he offered to take a polygraph test?

4. Have you gotten yourself into IC? I know it's hard during this pandemic, but it would be really helpful for you to have support in processing this trauma. That's what all of this is, Trauma!

Waiting for the other shoe to drop is very common. You likely have symptoms of PTSD (many of us do, it's fairly common among BS (betrayed spouses)). All the more reason to seek professional help so you don't have to attempt to process this alone.

5. This is more advice, less of a question: Do NOT show your husband this site! After a long time of proving himself to you, it may be helpful for him to come here and work his own shit out over on Wayward Side, but we advise all newcomers to keep this as their safe space. Reason being that a WS could potentially read here and find him/herself a "playbook" of all the right things to say to convince you that they are truly remorseful and safe, only to further traumatize you because they have only learned to mimic remorse rather than truly embody it.

If there are helpful posts you would like him to read (many suggest some of the articles from the Healing Library), print them out and make sure to cut off any parts where the website is notated (like at the tops or bottom of pages). You can also copy and paste a post into a word document.

Please take a peek over at the Healing Library (on the left hand side of any page on this site). Helpful hint, if you click the tab at the top that says Abbreviations, you'll get a list of all of the abbreviations we typically use here that might help you decipher a lot. There is also a ton of good information for you as the BS.

I'm sorry if I just threw a lot at you, so process all of that at your own pace. Make sure to take care of yourself, it sounds like you have had numerous DDays, and those take a physical and emotional toll!

Chaos posted 7/7/2020 12:42 PM

Just a quick chime in.

20years - that's awesome.

LadyG - what can we do to support you?

Faith - welcome dear. You've come to the right place. These Womenz have gotten me through some dark times. And given me light and laughs. HHADL has given you some great advice.

Outoflove2020 posted 7/7/2020 17:54 PM

Hi everyone - first time posting on this thread. I just wanted to say how wonderful the support you all provide here is. When people are going through the worst thing ever, the kindness and compassion from strangers here is just so amazing.

I'm having a really rough few days. I haven't left the house in two days, haven't showered and I'm barely sleeping. I just keep obsessively reading on here, reading threads, reading people's stories. I resent people who reconcile but then know that I could never do it. I feel so lonely. I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I've been watching Friends 24/7, it's on the background when I work, it's on now as I write this. I want to get through this, I do. I have bought many books to read on attachment theory, how to recover after break ups, books on abandonment, books on trauma....but each time I pick one up to start, I put it down as I still can't accept that I am in a position where I have to use such books. Reading them is a trigger in itself.

I still fantasize that he will turn up on my doorstep, begging for me to come back to him. I know it's not going to happen. He's angry at me for telling the OBS. And if he were going to do it, I'm sure he would have done it by now. Even during the break up, he told me I was the best thing that happened to me. That I got him out of his "black hole". If that were true, now that he's "better", how can he discard me like I don't matter. For a married AP with whom he had an EA who lives 1000 miles away.

I know it's pale in comparison to what a lot of you have gone through. We weren't married, we don't have kids. But I genuinely don't know how I'm going to survive this.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 5:56 PM, July 7th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 7/7/2020 19:07 PM

Pffft girl don't apologize. Doesn't matter if you don't have kids or aren't married, none of that makes your experience any less valid or any less devastating.

Early on I made a whole bunch of little 'to do' notes. Things like take a bath or Windex the bathroom mirrors or fix a salad. I think I had about 30, just simple little easy-to-do tasks. I threw them into a jar and MADE myself do at least one per day. Some days it was really hard to do, but it helped center me and gave me one little positive thing. Also I highly recommend sleeping meds if you're having trouble and also antidepressants just to help you get through the worst of it. Some days are gonna feel all uphill for awhile, but this too shall pass. Make that your mantra.

I know this feels impossible right now. But I promise, you WILL survive it. You're awesome and your ex ain't shit.

LadyG posted 7/8/2020 05:22 AM

Wow, things are moving rapidly here for Betrayed Womenz,

Hope: others have often asked me if my STBXWH maybe Bi. He shows interest in Ladyboys. His exAP could have passed for one and was also obsessed with Anal Sex and this was something that I would give him. It wasn’t even a consideration as he finds man on man sex repulsive. But I think his protests show him up.

He put me at extreme risk of STI and STD. He And exAP were both tested without my knowledge before Dday, as WH had symptoms. He tried to blame me for this too.

We have no Statute of Limitations on sexual assault. So I can wait until Divorce and financial settlement has been signed, sealed and set in stone.

Financially WH is completely dependent on me. So I know this sounds awful, but I too need to get my ducks in a row, make sure my children will be ok and I will then pursue criminal charges.

WH Will get jail time as he has 2 prior convictions. So he will be on strike 3.

His exAP and CO. Would need to testify as he confessed to her and she guided him most unprofessional as to what to tell me or anyone else what to do or say if the allegations came to light.

My dear son has knowledge of at least one rape and I have messages to WH about the last rape event when we were separated, where he replied apologising for it. He lost control once too often. Followed by, prove it....

NO, MEANS NO!

WH knows Police are pursuing him and is running scared now.

Tallgirl posted 7/8/2020 06:01 AM

Pfff so sorry you are going through so much pain. It does take some time to be able to stand up and face what has happened.

It just hurts. i became obsessive in my thinking pattern. Going over the same things. You do need to stop and try to focus on you In a positive way. When you are on a mental loop, just say stop out load. Then think about what emotion you are feeling. If you are feeling sad, that is ok. Acknowledge it, you are grieving, then decide what you will do. Go for a walk. Clean a mirror.

Try to stop the obsessive thinking patterns, and recognize the emotion below them. Honour the emotion in some way because it is ok. Decide what you will do with the emotion, it is telling you something. If it is anger (been there a lot), ok. You were betrayed. Let the anger out. Do not direct it at yourself. Let yourself be angry at him. Otherwise you will become depressed and anxious.

There is a thread in separation and divorce called staying no contact. People write what they want to say to their cheater there Rather than contacting them. It is helpful.

You are dealing with a profound loss, and it takes time. Please be kind to yourself. You did not cause this. He did. And he is a dick. You will move beyond this, and be better off. Look forward.

Big hugs

Tallgirl posted 7/8/2020 06:11 AM

Faith welcome.

I am sorry you are here. I agree, HHADL gave great advice.

A cheater is a cheater, regardless of preference. Have you been tested for stds?

Our cheating husbands are expert liars. All cheaters are. And I at least wanted to believe him, so I did. Watch his behaviour, not his words.

I thought I had the entire truth, until I found out about the 5 years of happy endings at a massage parlours a year after dday2.

Every situation is different. It is your choice if you want to stay, whatever you chose is ok.

Big hugs.

20yrsagoBS posted 7/8/2020 09:07 AM

Shortly after WH and I married, I asked him to stop bringing porn into our home. Why? He would read/list over those magazines while moving his bowels on the toilet. It was repulsive. Then, horned up, he’d want ME to have sex with him.

Eeww no.


So, about a year later, I found his stash of magazines hidden in our linen closet. His parents were due to visit.


So I waited until his parents arrived to arrange his dirty magazines across the bathroom vanity. His mother remarked that we had “interesting” tastes I toilet reading material. WH was alarmed, ran upstairs, for nd the magazines, threw them away. We were discussing this the other day. He feels it was “low” of me to do that with his magazines.

I don’t feel it was low. I simply behaved like he did, sneaky to get what was important to me.


Thoughts?

No dirty magazines since, but he watched a lot of porn until the last few years.

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 9:01 PM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

Tallgirl posted 7/8/2020 10:35 AM

20,

I love it.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 10:55 AM, July 8th (Wednesday)]

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