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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/26/2020 13:09 PM

Hi fournlau! Welcome!

What does your username mean? I'm always interested in everyone's usernames because mine is so damn literal, I sometimes wish I had gone with something with more mystique.

I'm copying and pasting our Betrayed Womenz dictionary for you here. If you ever need it, check out EllieKMAS profile. It's unofficial, not SI affiliated, but we keep adding to it.

Dictionary to date
BASGU - Bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn - A BW - gorgeous, warrior, goddess, survivor
CSAH - captain save a hoe - A man that feels like he has to "rescue" a homewrecking AP
D2DW - dollars to donut whores - Bet you anything you like
DA - douchebags anonymous - Betrayed Womenz Thread (side note, we need 12 steps for this one)
ESAD - eat shit and die - Nuff said
FMR - Fuckmerunnin - Sarcastic disbelief
FOAD - fuck off and die - also needs no definition, but can be used creatively ie "Hey you! Take a walk on the FOAD road!"
Fuckwart - An unremorseful cheater, so named because of the nastiness in their soul
GFD - great fucking day - depending on context, can be sarcastic or enthusiastic commentary on a given day
KITD - kick in the dick - Can mean physical kick, but also striking at the spiritual or metaphorical dick
RA+ - Rashawnda approved - Badass
S+BB - sparkles & bitch boots - Super spiffy bitch boots
SSCS - Stupid shit cheaters say - cheater's 'script' as it were
WTFF - what-the-fuck face - The face you make when something so stupid is said your brain actually short circuits
WWRD - What would Rashawnda do - She would wave her finger at it and say that it's "not our fault the mens are too dumb to see it"

Pitching a definition for Shamenesia if it so pleases the Womenz:
The "memory loss" a WS experiences around any of their choices/actions that cause them shame. They have crystal clear memories of anything that makes them feel or look good, but any memories that stir up shame seem to fly right out of their brains. A form of gaslighting.

Also, anyone have any suggestions for how to celebrate birthdays during this time? Mine is coming up, but I'm a loner, I'll be happy with a glass of wine watching Netflix. However, my youngest brother's is on the 5th, and my grandma is turning 75 on the 6th. We usually do birthday dinners at my grandma's house every year, but I'm thinking that's not so wise.

At least my youngest bro lives with her, so they will have each other. She is not exactly technologically savvy, but I might be able to get him to help figure out a video chat. She has always been adamantly against gifts, but I'm thinking that this year I want to send her at least a little something, considering we can't all be together. Thoughts?

20yrsagoBS posted 3/26/2020 18:43 PM

HHAL,

Thanks for posting our dictionary!


Speaking of SSCS, have any of you read The Script?


Itís a whole book on the lines cheaters typically use to fuck around.


Itís a read! I wonít say itís good given the topic, but it had me nodding in agreement a lot!


Tallgirl posted 3/26/2020 21:19 PM

Ladies. I have to get this out.

I just read a letter from a woman THANKing her WH for having an affair, so they could have the marriage they have now.

WTF

I am nearly choking on fury. I will never ever thank my WH for breaking me and putting me and the kids through hell.

I get that sometimes the M improves. But to be grateful that your life partner put you through agony. Argggg.

Must be serious drugs.

fournlau posted 3/26/2020 21:29 PM

HHDL

Thank you for the warm welcome and the dictionary! Now some of those posts I read make more sense!

My name isn't anything special, just my last and first name smooshed together. I wish I had used something else though, since if my WH ever gets on here, he will know exactly who I am immediately.

TG, I'm with you, WTF? I will NEVER do that!

Tallgirl posted 3/26/2020 21:54 PM

Glad to hear that fournlau. And welcome to the thread!!!

Maybe we need to don our bitch boots and give KITD!

Did I get that right?

20yrsagoBS posted 3/27/2020 12:34 PM

TG,


That bullshit sets me off too.


Realistically speaking, someone has to be majorly fucked up to risk the welfare of their family by having an affair.

So, when does the fairy godmother come and bless the Cheaters with the emotional maturity to actually participate in healing their families, become great spouses, and peel off the slimy coat of a cheater?


Answer-they donít


I donít believe they do at all

EllieKMAS posted 3/27/2020 15:33 PM

Hallo there my lovelies!

Sorry I have been adjusting to the apocalypse so have kinda been on an SI hiatus.

Def added Shamenesia to the dictionary!

What's up with me? Bad - Long story short but am set to get a refund for a long history of auto payments. But looks like dickhead will get it since it came out of our old joint account. I am just letting it go. That fucker needs it more than I do, and I am NOT breaking NC.

Good news: I am getting my new floors installed tomorrow!!! I have had this gnarly disgusting carpet in my house that I've wanted to replace since 2015. And it is happening TOMORROW! I am beyond excited!!

Hope y'all are weathering the storm ok. And for those of you trapped in IHS with your W doucheholes, know that I am sending all the good juju your way!

Tallgirl posted 3/29/2020 12:52 PM

Hello womenz

How are you all coping with life right now?

What are you doing to stay sane.?

Keeping me sane is long walks, exercise, and laughs with the boys.

I am thinking of pulling out my bread maker.

I am getting tired of endless Facebook posts. But not tired of the beautiful music clips people are posting. They are wonderful.

My kids are keeping sane too. We have a gym downstairs so it helps.

Brene Brown has a new blog and podcast. Very good.

Hugs all.

gmc94 posted 3/29/2020 13:32 PM

I'm no longer sure I'm staying sane. Experiencing random body shakes, but I can't seem to pinpoint what's triggering. Maybe just overall anxiety about everything? I dunno.

So, random email yesterday from DD. Her BF is cheating, and violated the boundaries of their poly relationship. She emailed asking if looking at their texts or whatever else she may have access to is pain shopping or if there is some need to know. I wish I could speak to her vs email - a lot is prolly lost in translation.

Was a bit of a challenge to not engage in relating my personal experiences. Just gave her the basics, some want to know, some don't, you do what's right for you, but be clear about why the need to know any specific piece and ask how it helps you heal. She's an addict and a basket case, so hard to say if that's even a possible ask for her. Wish I could send her to SI, but this is my place.... and I'm glad I didn't allow my CoD tendencies to sacrifice it for her.

Binging on wayyyyyyy too much TV and bullshit. Sewing masks (finally got all the materials, but can't seem to bring myself to do the full on production line). Have overwhelming feelings of distrust towards my WH - another gift that keeps on giving.

I asked myself last week if there is a time when today's problems don't revert back (in my mind anyhow) to the A. We had a communication issue and I found myself damn near shouting about it - something 100% not my fault (but he then goes into victim "I must be hallucinating" mode, so that may have been the trigger). I'm able to find enough clarity in the moment to know I don't want to argue about it,I don't want to engage in an anger thing with him. I guess I realized that those who don't trigger on that stuff probably have WS who are actively working toward better communication, vulnerability, etc. Some days it just feels like everything he does today is still some manifestation of the wayward thinking that he's not tackled - or really addressed in a full on manner.

During IC I realized that it really comes down to ONE thing - that I feel his actions (or lack thereof) show that this is not important to him. It's been like this since day 1. He SAYS he wants to work on it, that it's important, etc. But his actions are the opposite. His CSAT is every other week (and I dunno if they will continue via video during home isolation orders), so that's a lot of time in between, and I don't know if he's got homework or not. Recent issue:
he's missed appts or been bumped bc of availability issues, and they only book 1 appt at a time. So, I suggested he book them a few months in advance so he knows he'll get in (which is what I do with my hard-to-see CSAT, usually 2-3 months out). Then after his next appt I ask if he booked in advance. WH says they only made one appt (which at least he was honest) bc the CSAT only suggested that. Again, my POINT was to be proactive and make it CLEAR that he wants to get his appts done up front. It's majorly frustrating and goes to my point: IF this was IMPORTANT to him, then his actions would be PROACTIVE and not reactive to my suggestions. If this was important to him, he'd be chomping at the bit to try and get in there and get some work done....not passively waiting for direction (from the CSAT or from me).

But the reality is that he can SAY it's important until doomsday.... his actions speak the opposite.
Same with getting the neurpsych eval after the suicide attempt - was supposed to be done last September. I mentioned it back then (we were still S) and he didn't book anything (now, in his defense, it IS hard to find a psychiatrist accepting net patients, and even harder to find one willing to take someone with a serious suicide attempt). Now, he could have asked me to help (he once asked for a list,which I provided... but I didn't make the calls). But I am not going to do it on my own initiative -this is not my responsibility.

Ok. Done venting. I think this is why I'm shaking so much lately.... being home all the time makes this kind of stuff all the more apparent. He needs to find his own emotional sherpa. There are folks in his realm that could help. May not feel comfortable, but there are other folks that could be a touchstone for him. I think one reason he doesn't do it is bc it has the potential to force him to be honest. I still believe there are more As (or more PA activity -and I am convinced that he actually had sex with the other AP he claims they only made out. He's been to her home - alone - a bunch of times since we M, so why wouldn't he have fucked her too? ).

Ok enough venting.

Sounds like the ladiez are hanging in.

TG- WTF with this BS? I can find gratitude for the results of the healing work I've done. I guess I mind trick it to being grateful that I could avail myself of a path from the ashes, but I'd never be grateful for the burning of my heart and soul the way he has.

Ok. Back to sewing.....

Tallgirl posted 3/29/2020 15:28 PM

Ladies, my marriage is over.

I get to go play in the separation forum for real.

Why does it hurt? It has been months of anger, and garbage, and logically I know it is better for me.

I am here sobbing. They are not tears of joy.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:39 PM, March 29th (Sunday)]

northeasternarea posted 3/29/2020 16:29 PM

Tall girl (((Hugs)))

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/30/2020 02:41 AM

(((Tallgirl))) I'm so sorry!

Let it all out! IIRC you're still living apart, which at least gives you the opportunity to cry your eyes out alone. Do you have any IRL support you can lean on? I know you can't go out and meet with many people right now due to corona crap, but maybe a video chat with a friend or close family member who knows the situation?

Come here and vent anytime you need! Is there anything we ladiez can provide for you other than internet hugs?? Let us know!

GMC, sorry to hear about your DD's BF's cheating. Wasn't aware they were poly, is that part of the reason you think there is something untoward about the way the BF treats her? I've known a few girls to get sucked into poly relationships and/or threesomes because they didn't want to disappoint their BFs, or they thought that agreeing to it would keep them from leaving. Coerced polyamory feels icky, kind of like that "pimp" vibe you mentioned before.

It kinda makes sense now why she chose to stay with him instead of you guys... she probably had her suspicions and felt like if she left he would definitely stray, so she wanted to keep tabs on him. She made the mistake of thinking that proximity could prevent infidelity. Unfortunately we've all found out the hard way how untrue that is.

And good for you for not sharing SI with her! If she comes across it on her own, so be it, but this should stay your safe place. I too thought about showing DD20 the site. But TBH, I don't think that *most* people in their early 20s would even benefit from SI. Think about how stubborn and naive we all were when we first got here, many of us thinking that our story was "different" than all the rest, resistant to advice because our cheater isn't like all the other cheaters. Now imagine coming here in your 20s, and how pig-headed you might be when people are telling you to 180, to stop rug sweeping, set boundaries, and not to give in when they inevitably push those boundaries. I know I certainly wouldn't have listened when I was her age (I'm making assumptions on her age here, might be wrong).

Not to say that nobody in that age range can benefit. I just think you have to have a certain level of emotional maturity that many people just don't have at that age. We're still young and figuring our shit out. I've noticed that most new members are at least in their 30s, some late 20s. The few early 20s JFO posts I've seen have disappeared pretty quickly.

I wish I could sew masks! My sewing machine got jammed right before DDay, and I never took the time to take it in for maintenance. I've tried to fix it myself, but am afraid to mess with it too much and cause irreparable harm.

And yes, lack of initiative was a huge thing that used to piss me off. Actions and words not matching up too. I kind of got used to the idea that nothing would ever get done if I didn't at least remind him of it. I wouldn't always go so far as to set the actual appointment, but I might call and remind him to do it himself.

Do you think it's his way of testing you to see if you're still "in"? Like if you keep butting in to talk about recovery, or going to his CSAT, that proves to him that you still care enough?

When XH got his vasectomy reversal, he ended up having a lot of testicular pain. For months he complained about it. I told him to call the doctor, to set up a follow up appointment, or even just to go to the regular doctor to get checked out. I suggested he look up forums where other men may have dealt with similar issues, maybe he could get some insight there. Mostly though, he would complain, and I would say, well then go see a doctor. He never did anything, just said he was fine, until he had some other reason to be annoyed, then he would bring up the pain again.

In the aftermath of DDay I discovered that my refusal to fawn all over him while he was in pain, to make appointments for him etc., was one of the many justifications he used to prove that I just didn't love him, ergo, he needed to find someone who did. Enter OW. Basically, the complaining about the pain was one of his ways of testing me. He wanted to see if I would take the bait.

The shitty part is, with these passive aggressive types that's never the whole story. If I had taken the bait and helped him, called doctors, insisted he made an appointment etc., well then I would be controlling and nagging and "on his case." If I loved him more I would just let him live his life and be supportive. By not taking the bait, I also proved to him that I didn't care enough. They consistently put us in these Catch 22 situations where they have already made up their mind that they're going to be annoyed, or feel unloved, or whatever therefore it literally doesn't matter what you do anymore.

Do you feel like he is testing you in some way? Like, when you specifically suggest to him that he do something one way - like setting several appointments in advance so he doesn't have to wait - and he doesn't end up doing it that way, do you think it's a deliberate choice? Like is he testing to see if you will nag or otherwise react in a negative way? Or is it truly just a lack of prioritization on his part, where he thinks it's not as important as it is?

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/31/2020 02:36 AM

Thought you ladiez could use this:

TX1995 posted 3/31/2020 12:59 PM

Fournlau - Welcome! Sorry you have to join, but this is a great place for support.

HHADL - I'm so sorry about the work. Have you looked at WFH opportunities? I saw that Amazon is hiring at home, as are a bunch of other places. Probably not in your field but might be enough to get by until you can get back to real work. As to birthdays - I've seen some cute ones on Zoom. Dance parties. Costume parties. Have some food delivered and eat a meal together via Zoom. It's rough for sure.

Ellie - Woo hoo on your floors! I never realized how gross carpet is until I moved into a house with almost no carpet and saw what winds up on the floor daily. Will be so nice!!

(((gmc))) You are still going through so much, it is no wonder that you are starting to break. Every day people without PTSD are breaking down now! I'm sorry your daughter is having trouble finding help. On the bright side, she knows she needs it. Good for you for not sharing SI. You need a safe space. I think people who are caregivers are having some of the most difficulty. Feeling so much like we have to take care of everyone else and neglecting themselves. There was a new Helping Couples Heal podcast yesterday specifically about the pandemic. Self care my friend. And if you haven't, check out Glennon Doyle's new book, Untamed. Or listen to her podcast with Brene from last week. Or just watch some of her instagram posts from the last week. Being gentle with ourselves is going to help. We can do hard things! YOU are a fucking SUPERSTAR at dealing with hard things. Sending love.

((TALLgirl)) I am so so sorry. I know this has been coming. You've been teetering. Having him make the final decision is probably a blow to your ego (as it would be to me as well) but if I look back at what you have posted, I would venture a guess that deep down it is what you have known YOU want and truly you DESERVE something better. He already ruined the marriage. You were just too good of a person to snip the end of that thread because letting go of our old lives is scary to do. I am angry for you that it came to this. But I'm also excited for you. When I see the growth that happens in the S/D forum I get a little jealous of those who have the chance at a clean slate. Sending comforting hugs and love. I know you are hurting right now.

As for me, we are surviving. Had a breakdown day (okay 2) the past couple of days. I needed it. It's funny how the body really does keep score. My breakdowns are coinciding with the days he fucked the cOWhore. My 1st DDay is in a couple of days. Yet, I didn't even know what date it was (corona-calendar) until I made it a point to look bc I was mentally breaking down.

I want my WH for comfort and I hate myself for wanting comfort from someone who can do this to me. I'm angry and sad. And on top of that, I feel guilty bc my WH has a ton of stress right now. (Job wise, things are NOT looking good as there are going to be layoffs - thankfully not him right now, but the company as a whole is not in a good position to weather this.) And even though he's got that stress, he's maintaining his patience and remorse with me. He's trying to take things off my plate. He's playing with and encouraging the kids with school and exercise. So I feel bad that he's still trying so hard and I spend our alone time crying and reminding him of what a shitty person he was to me and our family. He takes it like a champ and apologizes and asks what he can do, but ugh. It's just crappy all around. I'm finding myself retreating deeper into unhealthy coping (isolating, numbing, alcohol) and I don't have the energy to stop doing it.

Thinking about y'all. Hope you are staying safe.

BigBlueEyes posted 3/31/2020 14:08 PM

Just stopping by to say HI 👋
& also give virtual Hugs & thoughts to all of you Womenz,

Stay strong & safe ladies
xx

EllieKMAS posted 3/31/2020 14:19 PM

Oh TG - I'm sorry honey. It sucks all around, even if you know deep down it's the right thing. I knew mine ending was right and I still sobbed for days. I think that the fear of what may be and the sorrow over what might have been are just overwhelming at the beginning. You will get through it, and just speakin for me? Once you get over the initial hurdles and the fear assumes normal proportions life gets SOOOOO FUCKING BETTER. Chin up - you got this!

20yrsagoBS posted 3/31/2020 18:34 PM

TallGirl hugs

I want to go back 20 years, kick my Cheater to the curb, and make a new life. One before my health declined.


I would buy a piece of land, build a cabin, and hole up in it for days at a time

TX1995 posted 4/2/2020 15:33 PM

Anniversary #3 of Day #1.

Last year I wrote a whole post about how far we'd come since DDay. I was still sad that he'd betrayed my trust but overall felt really good about my marriage. Little did I know I'd get pummeled with DDay #2 about 6 weeks later.

Stuck inside. It's raining. I've already had a tiff with my teenager about schoolwork. WH did come in first thing with a cup of coffee and an apology but has been on back to back conference calls all day. It's 3:30 and I want to have a cocktail, go to bed and wake up in 2016.

Supposed to have an MC session tomorrow. Not sure it's worth throwing $150/hr at these days.

Hope you ladies are all having a better day.

20yrsagoBS posted 4/3/2020 20:24 PM

TG,


We did the MC bullshit too. WH lies through it to avoid dong the work. Fucktard!

Tallgirl posted 4/3/2020 20:44 PM

It has been a long week. I worked min 12 hour days. Cried at night and repeat. Started to calm down today.


He calls and tells me he was given notice at the rental. Expect he will come home. He has two months then he has to be out.

So Sunday he wants a D and Friday he needs a place. If it werenít for this Covid pandemic. Arg

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