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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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gmc94 posted 3/17/2020 21:30 PM

I assume all the other BWomenz are having a shitty time.

All the anxiety - ugh. After a few days of relative isolation, I'm beginning to think more inward and getting more anxious realizing that this virus thing may mean I'm FUCKED as to getting a job that provides financial independence from my WH. To make matters worse, his office could close, his income could be seriously impacted (it's already down >20% bc of this shitshow - between his post dday trauma and his suicide [aka heart attack to his office]) .

Just a few months ago I felt really on top of things. Job prospects, looked at some small houses, thinking of how important it is to me to have my own life, separate from WH.... and now it's all gone.

To top it off, WH told a fucking lie over the weekend. He gave DD his credit card # and didn't tell me. When I asked about it, he said "I thought I told you". Same shit he said last time I learned he broke NC with AP#2 (ex GF, longtime "friend" [probably EA], he made out with)... the "I thought I told you". Then he goes into this deer headlights dance of "concern" that he's not remembering things correctly. Took a couple of minutes for him to admit he was lying, but even then, his tone/demeanor was such that I honestly can't tell if HE believes he lied, or was just saying that to get me to shut up.

This is followed by the old shame/self victimization bullshit of "I'm really trying, but it's a process and will take time". I'm so fucking sick of his fucking broken self. As this goes on, I realize more & more just how completely fucked up he is in the head. Not only does it go DEEP and LONG, but fucked up in ways that also make it damn near impossible for him to face anything emotional... anything that does not equal "I'm a good person" is just too much for him to handle. Today, it pretty much disgusts me. I guess the good news is that I handled the lying thing pretty well. I was angry, but didn't get all freaked out screaming angry. Didn't end up a ball of tears on the floor. Got calm after about 3 minutes and stayed that way. Of course, the focus then turned to his "fix it" mode. He saw his CSAT today, but I'd be shocked if he brought up this recent episode.

I want a job that pays enough for me to live on. I want to buy my own home so I have options - gimme a shitty 2 bedroom 1 bath and I'm good for life, but right now, there's no way I could afford a $1k/month mortgage (esp when I'll lose my health insurance when my contract is up). Now, my DS basically has no work or income (and I'm super worried about him), my DD's job was just cut today, my WH's income could suck (like maybe we take out a 2nd mortgage to pay our bills suck) and I'm still in my shitty paying job & will lose a few grand bc of work at home - so no travel reimbursement even tho I have to keep paying rent on my out of town apt.

Ok. Poor pitiful me. Guess I just needed to vent this.

I'm grateful that I'm not sick. I'm grateful I have a roof over my head. I'm grateful that I should still have the ability to get a loan if necessary. I'm grateful my parents are OK. I'm grateful I have siblings who love me. I'm grateful that I HAVE a shitty paying job, which is really a heckuva lot better than millions right now. I'm grateful that I'm learning to be calm despite my WH's absolute brokenness. I'm grateful that I have a bottle of wine that I just may go open.....

Tallgirl posted 3/17/2020 22:06 PM

Ahhh ((((gmc))))

I hear you. What is it with the lying and memory loss? Why lie? It already destroyed his family. And to be fluxomed and forget.

I think you are doing great, even if life is not going your way. I have always been so impressed by your intelligence and insightfulness, not to mention strength. Some days I acknowledge the fact that we are still standing is an act of pure personal tenacity and strength.

I admit Life is looking rather like shit all round. It is scary right now.

I relate to your wtf is wrong with him feeling. I told my WH that I would go back to counselling with him a couple of weeks ago. I am afraid if I donít learn to talk to him I will never be able to have a relationship with anyone.

This is big. Important to him... he was supposed to book a session.

He forgot. Forgot it even happened.

I didnít realize he forgot until last night. I thought he may want to come back to stay at the house as the world is crazy these days. This stuff has me thinking. He was shocked that I asked. He was upset because I wonít even go to counselling with him. He fucking forgot. Like he forgot what precipitated his moving out last May. Is his brain shorting out?

He doesnít want to come back unless I state that I want to reconcile. He thinks it is not a good idea. His rental feels like home. He doesnít know. This used to be what he wanted.

So my conclusion.

WHs Are stupid.


Or am I just an old angry scorned wife?

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 10:07 PM, March 17th (Tuesday)]

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/17/2020 22:25 PM

20yrs, I agree, a get together would be awesome! Too bad the whole country is quarantined. It'll have to remain a digital get together for now! Maybe we can all coordinate a time to "hang out" when we'll all be on at the same time? I know with time zones that may prove difficult.

TX, we too have had perpetual rain for the last week. It makes this quarantine business all the more dreary and depressing. I have a ton of things I need to catch up on, but some have been proving difficult because of the rain (cleaning out my car when I have an uncovered parking spot for example).

TG, what is with the amnesia with these cheating Dbags? I could have literally been holding a pair of my mutilated underwear in his face and I swear XH would say he had no fucking clue how they got there. Is this a shame thing? Do some people just block out things they are ashamed of? Shame-nesia? Because I for one am just a normal imperfect human, so of course I've fucked things up in my lifetime, but I do not forget them! I use that shame as a reminder not to do the shameful thing again. Am I wrong in thinking that's how it's supposed to be? I have a really hard time believing that your H just doesn't remember why you asked for the separation. Things that make you go

And yes, just got final word yesterday that the event I was scheduled for is officially cancelled. I filed for unemployment, but due to the way they calculate things with W2s vs independent contractor work (most of my income), I honestly don't even think I'll qualify.

Sooooo, I went around to a few different grocery stores today to stock up on essentials with the last bit of money I have, and now am working on contacting all of my various bill collectors to let them know I'm going to need a little forgiveness this coming month. I had the same issue with pasta TX! That's usually a staple of mine, but it is all fucking gone. Then I thought I would finally break out my pasta maker when my daughter comes over this week, give us something to do, but every single store is out of flour too! I mean, I found gluten-free quinoa flour, but man, I'm not that desperate yet

Looks like I might have to get started on that work-from-home career I've always wanted... no time to actually do it the "right" way right now though, will just have to wing it and see whatever I can do to earn money quickly! It's weird realizing I haven't had to job hunt in 8 years. Jobs just always came our way, so I never had to worry about it.

Looked up my old transcription job, apparently there is some new law in effect in CA so that we can't do it remotely anymore? So that's off the table. Anyone else have any ideas? I have a friend who house/dog sits sometimes who is going to refer me to a few people. I don't know if I feel comfortable doing uber or lyft right now since I would have no clue who is getting into my car and if they are sick.

Otherwise I can chase my dreams of becoming a lady of the night... but besides being completely beneath me, it would also increase my likelihood of running into MethHead McSexAddict, so that's a hard pass

Tallgirl posted 3/18/2020 05:00 AM

Thank you all. It is nice to come here and scream through your fingers.
My dog is going to kill me. So demanding.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:00 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 3/18/2020 23:29 PM

First, EllieK....we need you! It seems to me that shamenesia needs to be added to the Betrayed womenz dictionary!

I am afraid if I donít learn to talk to him I will never be able to have a relationship with anyone.
May sound strange, but I love this. Not bc it is where you are at now... but bc you are OK working with your WH to heal a specific part of YOU! And you put the responsibility on him to follow thru......but damn on the shamenesia part.

HHADL: You may want to check and see if any of the CA laws restricting work from home may be suspended bc of Covid-19. many states do that under a state of emergency.

Hugs to all. and wash your hands (I tell my smart watch to time the 20 seconds.... works like a charm)

Tallgirl posted 3/19/2020 17:59 PM

I had a session with my IC tonight. She helped me realize that I do not allow myself to really be angry at WH. I turn my anger inwards. Then I cry and wash away the anger. I never give it to him. I keep it inside and experience anxiety. Needless to say Iím still in shock. How can you have no Idea about yourself?

She is the first person to actually notice this.

I am hopeful that she will help me find a resolution that is good for me.

Has anyone else had this type of experience or learning with a counsellor?

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:28 PM, March 19th (Thursday)]

Tallgirl posted 3/19/2020 17:59 PM

Happy fucking Friday tomorrow!!!

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:29 PM, March 19th (Thursday)]

CallingSpades posted 3/19/2020 20:46 PM

TG, I love that you've found an IC that's helping you. Mine said I blamed myself for everything. I was like, "Yeah, I know, well not anymore!" Except for every other week when she points out me trying to find a reason I could be the problem in x or y situation. Great IC is worth every penny!!!

Forgot who is the keeper of the dictionary. Please add shamenesia! WH was already NC w AP on DDay, "hadn't so much as sent her a smoke signal since August." Oh oops, except that one time a few weeks before DDay, after you watched me weep and assured me there was no one else, then sent AP a friendly little email that you thought you saw her the other day, and was she there, and how is she? Forgot about that totally innocuous (right) smoke signal. D2DW he didn't forget, it was the shamenesia.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/20/2020 00:50 AM

Tallgirl, and CS, yup, your ICs said the same thing as mine, just in different words... "You have an untold amount of unprocessed anger that you're taking out on yourself through your profound capacity for self blame." That I'm basically giving myself anxiety trying to come up with all of the ways this was my fault, my failure to bend to his needs etc.

I was recounting yet another ridiculous instance of idiocracy on my XH's part, and then immediately went into all the mental gymnastics and how I could see it from his point of view, that maybe he's right, I'm just too rigid and unchanging and I'm not accommodating enough. She yelled "Stop! The entire world is not grey all the time. Sometimes, you are going to be 100% right about things. Full stop. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Certain things are black and white, and you're going to exhaust yourself trying to find the grey where there isn't any. So I'm going to validate you and say, you're right! You're allowed to be right."

My IC is fucking awesome! I just had to quit IC for the foreseeable future though.

Mayor Garcetti just put the city of LA on orders to stay at home until April 19th. All citizens are to remain in their homes except for trips for essentials at grocery stores, pharmacies, pet stores etc. So that means no work for me for the next month. Woohoo!

I stocked up on groceries yesterday, and got to see DD20 today, so I guess I'm set to be on lockdown for a while. Except for that pesky "needing to make money" business

Was going to be applying for jobs at grocery stores and/or other essential areas just because I need the $$, but honestly I'm kind of scared to be out working in the only places where people will be allowed to go all of the time. I don't know how all of the health professionals are doing it!

Maybe I'll finally write that book I've been meaning to, or start that side hustle I've been talking about for years. Hell, who am I kidding, I need the $$, I'm gonna be hustling up a resume and taking the first job that says yes.

Hope you ladies are surviving! Digital drinks tomorrow? 5pm EST? I bought some two buck chuck yesterday, and finally feeling like I can drink without crying, so tomorrow seems as good a time as any to start.

gmc94 posted 3/20/2020 17:32 PM

Well, just got word that a colleague with whom i share office space and sit about 3' away from has tested positive and been hospitalized with pneumonia this week.

So, bring on the self isolation!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/20/2020 18:01 PM

Shit gmc! That's scary!

Btw saw your post about your DD and I don't think it's out of line at all to tell her she has to pick a place and stay there. Especially given your potential exposure.

I get how it might feel like you're trying to control her addiction, because I'm sure the thought of isolation brings to mind ideas like "Amazing! This is the perfect time for her to detox and get her shit together!" But ultimately, if she were to get her addiction under control while she was self-isolating, well that would just be a happy side effect.

You need to do whatever you have to in order to remain healthy. Even if that means letting her go be her "I'm-invincible-everyone-else-is-overreacting" 20s self somewhere else.

I saw DD20 yesterday, and was torn between letting her make her own choice and pulling the Mom card and telling her to get her stuff and come stay at my house. I told her that I would prefer if she stayed with me, but that of course she had the choice. She chose to stay with the idiot boyfriend who I hate. Who is also continuing to work even though his job is non-essential and is potentially exposing her daily. Double She has asthma, I'm concerned. But I cannot make her stay here, even if I wanted to. Her dad is a controlling asshole, and she's in a relationship with a controlling asshole, the last thing I want to do is mimic that.

It's a really fucking tough line to walk though, I get it. I have the urge to grab her by the shoulders and just give her a good shake. But there's nothing like being 20 and in lurrrrve. Much like our waywards and their APs, making dumbass decisions left and right.

Coco, I saw that your H is staying at the office - how are you and the kids doing at home?

How are all the womenz doing today? I am dealing with a pretty gnarly caffeine withdrawal headache, as I decided to do the fiscally responsible thing and NOT stock up on my usual daily energy drinks to conserve what $$ I have. I'm regretting it right about now.

I have Excedrin Migraine, but you're only supposed to take that once a day, so I'm waiting to see if lots of water will help, otherwise I'm going to need the meds so that I can go to sleep. I ate some dark chocolate with raspberry, that seemed to help!

Any other tips for a caffeine detox? Might as well work on my own addiction while I'm isolating

Oh, and to the lurkers, and all those potential newly minted BWz coming our way because of this quarantine/isolation - hi!! Come on in, there aren't really a ton of rules over here (other than the standard SI ones). I know it can be intimidating because it seems like we all know each other, but join in and then we can get to know you too!

20yrsagoBS posted 3/20/2020 20:48 PM


We had more TT last week!

WH took OW out to dinner during their special week together. How romantic <gag>

CallingSpades posted 3/20/2020 22:18 PM

HHADL, the caffeine addiction! How, indeed? I could never go cold turkey. I am doing half an energy drink and putting the other half in the fridge. Tea instead of coffee. Tell us when you defeat it! I will do a celebration dance for you.

Just found out work is going to 75% of our salaries/work from home. Talk about a monkey wrench in my divorce train. And I know I shouldn't complain - so many have it a lot worse.

If you haven't seen, tax payments are now due July 15! You still have to file by April 15 though.

gmc, really hoping you make it through isolation healthy & safe!!! Your and HHADL's DDs too.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 10:24 PM, March 20th, 2020 (Friday)]

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/21/2020 01:27 AM

Damn 20yrs, TT is a bitch isn't it? I'm glad I wasn't around long enough to experience much of that. Most of my truths have been discovered through sleuthing after I left.

Does this TT give you any closure at least? Is this something you suspected, but your H would never confirm? Or is this brand new info? Was it a restaurant you have been to with your H since the A? I can only imagine all of the things you want to smash over the top of his head right now!

CallingSpades, well, I was not successful. I had an absolutely miserable day going cold turkey, kept trying to nap to try and sleep it off. Posted on a few different topics on SI trying to keep my mind off of it.

I took the excedrin and it didn't do it. So I gave in and went to the convenience store down the street and stocked up. I figured better to buy it now then to have to make multiple trips. I made the cashier scan the items without touching them, brought my own bag, and waited until other people were out of line before going up to pay. Social distancing is hard when other people don't give a shit about it! I figured I will ration myself and slowly wean myself off of it.

Meanwhile a few neighbors on nextdoor are shaming people for going out without masks and gloves, and asking why people are even going to wait in line at stores for essentials? I clapped back, hard. I mean, sorry "Karen" that I didn't buy boxes and boxes of masks and gloves a month ago, and now they're completely sold out in stores and online! And sorry I didn't go hoarding toilet paper, and now I'm down to 3 rolls and need to go get some soon!

Oh, and people are now saying that their doctors recommended to shower and wash your clothes every single time you come in from outside. 1 load of laundry in our building costs $4. Soooo, I guess I'm just gonna be a hermit for a while.

This all reminds me of the time my XH came home from a business trip with pink eye. He insisted that wasn't what it was, and I stupidly believed him and had sex with him. Got it in one of my eyes, and it was so bad I even popped a blood vessel in my eye! As soon as I noticed something wrong I became hyper vigilant about hand washing, used Q-tips any time I had an itch anywhere on my face that needed scratching and threw them away immediately, and even kept my pillow in my closet, so that he wouldn't accidentally take it and use it. Only slept on the one side so that I wouldn't get anything on the pillow case. Wiped down all of the communal surfaces multiples times a day - door knobs, counters, fridge etc. Well, XH was a complete moron and kept wiping his eyes and touching everything, ended up spreading it to his other eye too. Meanwhile I managed to not get it in my other eye, AND neither of the girls got it because of all of my cleaning. So I like to think I'm pretty good at preventing stuff like this from spreading. Crossing my fingers that remains true.

I'm concerned for DD18 as well, who still lives with her dad. His motto is "Resist much, obey little," so my gut tells me he won't be taking isolation, social distancing, or any type of cleaning measures seriously. I mean this is the man who cleaned his fish tank with his bare hands, then was shocked when I asked him to wash them before he came and tried to have sex with me. My confidence in his ability to thwart infection is in the negative. Not to mention the mistress lives with them, and she's a few crayons short of a full box too. I reached out to DD and told her I'm here for her if she needs anything, but XH has her so scared, she still won't talk to me. My MIL says she has spoken with her and she's fine. I just hope it stays that way.

How is everyone holding up?? I feel like I've taken over the thread lately haha.

gmc94 posted 3/21/2020 18:52 PM

Well, the DD issue was short lived. This afternoon she decided to return to her BF.

I know it sounds like something right off the "movie of the week" crazy train, but I honestly wonder if he's her pimp or something... like, there is SOMETHING seriously wrong going on.

So, we had to tell her that if she leaves we do not feel it would be safe if she were to decide to return. That was tough. I'm glad WH and I had already decided this yesterday, so we were (for what felt like the 1st time) able to be on the same page. His office is shutting down immediately - so she will not have any hours there either (tho I suspect she could have gone in and done stuff with her dad [who plans to still go in] if she'd stayed home a couple of days.... now, there is no way I'd want him to be around her and then come home).

She says that if it gets bad she'll check herself into the psych ward.... I dunno if psych wards will be in biz much longer, as I'm assuming hospitals will be trying to free up any bed they can. Nothing I can do about it. Had a 1/2 way decent cry and now just numbing with Internet games. It was horrible to have her leave. I'm worried about myself and my WH getting it... worried about her getting it... and yet she'd rather leave a safe home with working fridge (she had to take one of our coolers bc his is out and the landlord won't look at it until Monday- which I'd be shocked if that actually happened), utilities paid, food and meals, and her own room (which we have always respected if she needs her space).

So.... just hoping she comes through this alive.

gmc94 posted 3/24/2020 14:45 PM

As predicted, DD was in mini crisis again yesterday. Told her dad she was thinking of checking into a psych ward. Later in the day, she told him she called and (as predicted) there are no psych beds (at least not in an institution that could provide anything beyond lockdown).

And, as predictable, by last night (and some sleep) she was OK again and said she didn't need it.


How are the ladiez ?

northeasternarea posted 3/24/2020 15:42 PM

I am actually pretty ok. I think having open heart surgery last year and losing my father has mellowed me out. The introvert in me is enjoying this mandatory down time.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/25/2020 18:52 PM

Well, I just made myself a bowl of taco fixings because I'm conserving what's left of my tortillas, soooooo.....

HeHadADoubleLife posted 3/26/2020 03:08 AM

I know it sounds like something right off the "movie of the week" crazy train, but I honestly wonder if he's her pimp or something... like, there is SOMETHING seriously wrong going on.
gmc, I wanted to say that no, you are not crazy for thinking this.

In fact, I just spoke with my xMIL a few days ago, and she brought up similar concerns to me re: DD20. I don't think that's what's going on, but hell, given how mentally messed up this BF is, I wouldn't be all that shocked. The world of sex work has expanded quite a lot in this digital era, it's something I worry about a lot. Especially when she is hard up for money because she's now unemployed due to the lockdown.

I just have to trust that we taught her that she is worth more than that. And hope that she feels comfortable enough that if she really finds herself in dire straits, she knows she can come to me.

My DD's POS is employed, but they live at his mom's house and sleep on an air mattress in the living room, so she's not exactly living the good life. Then add on that he's manipulative and entitled, I really don't understand the appeal.

DD has shown some good starts in terms of standing up to him, at least from what she tells me about their conversations, but I'm really waiting for the day when she realizes that she is so much better than this and finally walks away.

What is the situation with your DD's BF? Unemployed? Criminal record? Or just garden variety douchebag?

How is your daughter doing today? Still not checked into a psych ward I hope! I'm so, so sorry that she won't talk to you right now. It is so damn hard to be stonewalled by your own kid. With DD18 I even know that it's for a good reason (so she doesn't get verbally abused by her dad if he finds out) and I can still get into a deep depression if I let it get to me.

Life is throwing you a lot of lemons, but you've proven you're pretty damn good at making lemonade! You are so strong, remember that!

fournlau posted 3/26/2020 11:53 AM

Hello ladies,

This is the first time I've posted here. I haven't read everything, but I have read a lot. It's nice to see all the support for each other.

I will have to agree that there seems to be so much "forgetting" that happens. WH has a lot of this Anyway, not happy to be part of this club, but happy to have such wonderful company! We all deserved better.

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